Now He Might Put an Ocean Between Us?!

[Lunar Snow]

Hello LFADers,

I haven't been on here in what seems like forever and some of you may not remember me or even know me, but I was hoping for some advice or feedback about my current situation. I'm known for being wordy, so I will really try and cut it down (with more details, if requested).

My boyfriend and I have been in a LDR for over two years now. We met online, though have seen each other on multiple in-person visits. He lives in the USA and I live in Canada.

Other issues aside, here is what is happening:

He feels pressured to go on a serious job search, as he has heard rumours that his job will eventually be written out/ wants a change. He is trying to look for a few jobs closer to me, but he also "threw in a resume for a lark" to the Netherlands, where he has enjoyed visiting and where much of his extended family lives. Now, the company in the Netherlands likes him so much that they are flying him out for an interview (which means he must be top two or three). He leaves tomorrow for the flight and won't return home for a week. I think there is a serious chance of him being offered the job and a serious chance of him taking it. Which means that our post two year goal of moving closer together will be crushed and he will be an entire ocean away. He doesn't really seem to have even thought about how it would make me feel or what would happen to our relationship.

While I am excited and proud of him, I also feel really sad, hurt, confused, etc. He has really left me out of this job hunt process and made me feel like I am not number one to him, but number ten or something. I am getting to the point in my life where I want to put down roots and was kind of waiting around for him/ making compromises, because I had hoped that he would become more serious, not less serious about our relationship (applying for that job was no "lark" and it feels like a big slap in the face when he was making excuses about needing to stay with his family for now when I had asked him last spring about closing the distance).

I really feel like I am headed for heartache any way things work out with his job opportunity. I almost feel like I should end things now and feel miserable, rather than wait for him to nearly blind side me that he is moving to Amsterdam and could not really be too bothered about me. I don't think I could carry on with this perpetual non-commitment, masquerading as commitment, if he is even further away and taking on new obligations and barriers against being together.

I feel terribly sad right now and any sage words, comments, hugs, etc. would be appreciated.

[BabyDimples]

Your plans for closeing the distance, are they for you move to him, or him move to you? If he takes the job and moves to the Netherlands, is it a well paid job? Would he still be able to visit? What would his holiday allowance be like? Could you still talk the same amount? If it is a good and better paid job, then does that mean that he will be able to save up more money for you two? Would you ever consider moving to the Netherlands? ~ Just a few questions that I would probably consider myself.

I can only imagine how bad you are feeling. Try talking to him about it, and tell him how you feel, if you haven't already. Men find it hard to understand our emotions and can't get their head around them more often than not, as I'm sure that you know already! But maybe he see's it as an opportunity to improve your relationship in the long run? I hope that you can talk to him and figure something out. Try not to feel to much as though it is a slap in the face, but look from his point of view. If it's a once in a life opportunity, then he might feel like he has to take it. Maybe talk to him about you moving with him, just to see what he says? I hope that you can figure something out, but remember, he hasn't passed any interviews yet or taken any jobs.

Try not to feel too bad about it. I think that what you really need to do is just have a proper sit down with him and tell him how you feel, but get him to tell you why this job appeals to him so much and how he thinks it would affect your relationship first, so that what you say wouldn't affect what he says in any way (not that he would change anything on purpose, but people do that naturally to flow with what someone said before them). Good luck, and I hope that you manage to talk to him about it and sort something out. Remember that you can always come on here and talk or rant about how it all goes and how you are feeling! I hope that what I said helped in some way

[lyonsgirl]

I don't know your story, apart from what you said here, so I'm going to assume a couple things. I'm assuming you're both in your mid-20's, and I see you've been together just over 2 years. (Correct me if I'm wrong.) What does your SO do? Why does he feel like his job will eventually be written out?

I am not saying this because I think it is wrong that you're upset, but I don't know if you've thought about it from his side. I was lucky and was hired before I graduated. (I actually had a choice between Texas, Georgia, and Florida.) While I was job hunting my SO told me that he would follow me to wherever I got a job, since I was more likely to get an offer first. Now that I've been with this company for nearly a year and he's still out of work (and we're LD again) if he were to get an offer that moved him farther away from me, I would tell him to take it. He wants to find a career, and is clearly unhappy with the thought of you supporting him. For some reason most men (please guys, correct me if I'm wrong) feel the need to support their ladies. Yes, there are the occasional ones who would rather be supported, but they are few.

If he's willing to move to a different country to get a job, then he must be desperate for work. It's a bonus that he has family there, so he won't be completely alone. Sure, be a little sad that he may be putting an ocean between you. But don't think he's doing it because he wants to get away or isn't putting you first. Tbh, I think he is putting you first, which is why he's putting himself out there.

When he gets back from his interview, tell him how proud you are of him. Tell him how you were upset when he first told you about the opportunity, and that in the future you would like to be included more.

Feel free to PM me if you want.

[temporaryuser]

it sounds like he has been making excuses in the past for closing the distance. Could this be his way of ending things easier on him? If like previous poster stated, he just seriously needs a job, then that would be a valid excuse to move. is it a long term or temporary position?
You really need to sit down and discuss this with him. Wait till he gets back from the interview. See how it went. See how he feels about it. Then ask him how he feels about your relationship, if he wants it to continue, if he sees a future with you (not ld). You are going to have to be very open with your feelings, but not in a confrontational way.
And if he takes the job, you need to make the decision if you can handle the extended distance.

[LoveL]

From a guy's perspective, he feels like a big shot for being flown out to the Netherlands, a place you already said he loves, for a job that I can only assume would pay him pretty decent money. On top of that, assuming he cares about you, he feels like he has a woman that loves and supports him. "Why wouldn't she be happy for me?" he reasons. "This is a great opportunity. I'm going to be doing so much for us."

He is excited, his ego is being stroked, and he thinks you're on board with him. He means well and his intentions are good, but he's being a little selfish and isn't sensitive to the way you feel about it and he's not looking at the possible long term effect this move might have on your relationship.

You need to tell him everything you have told us, plus the things you haven't.
One of two things will happen, you will hear the change of tone in his voice when he realizes what this might mean for your relationship and he might put the whole thing on hold, or at least rethink things from the perspective of you both instead of just himself. Or, he'll get defensive and question why you won't support him on something so important to him.

In either situation, you guys are at a crossroads. You can choose to walk down the same path together and stay committed to one another through some more difficult times. Or you can decide that the road is too long and hard and the struggle of the hike is not worth it.

Either way, you have to make this decision together and this can't happen if you aren't completely completely completely honest with how you feel about this and what your concerns are and he has to do with the same. You're either on the same page or you aren't.

The emotions involved can make this all harder.
Good luck.

[sewbama]

It doesn't sound like you have told him about these feelings. He might not be including you in the job hunt, but have you told him how you feel? Talk to him. Communication about these things is hard, but you have to tell him. You said you've made compromises and are waiting around for him. This doesn't sound good. And you making yourself miserable and expecting him to do the same is not a recipe for a happy relationship.

I think you need to have a long good talk with him about what you expect for the future of your relationship. You guys have to get on the same page and soon.

[Tanja]

My SO just moved back home to job hunt after we'd been living together for over a year. I really feel your pain as I too feel like he's put his career before me.

If you really love him you can get through this. We had plans too and now they've all been blown out the window for who knows how many years to come. The only way I can accept his choice is by thinking that he did for US, because he wants to make more money to provide for me and to secure our future together.

If he gets/accepts the job it's really up to you whether or not you can live with it. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you as much or that he doesn't want to spend his life with you. My SO told me that to him this is just something he has to do cause he genuinely belivies it will benefit us in the long run and I have to take his word for it because I don't want to break up over this.

We were in a LDR for 3,5 years before closing the distance and yes, going back to LDR now is devastating and I've never felt so lonely. But I have to believe that our love for each other is strong enough to get through this and we'll finally end up together forever. What we have is too special to be thrown away.

If you feel like this is too much for you to handle then you have the right to tell him that and end things. But you definitely need to have a serious talk with him first to see how he feels about this situation, because to him it probably is like LoveL said: "Why wouldn't she be happy for me?" he reasons. "This is a great opportunity. I'm going to be doing so much for us." and you DEFINITELY need to tell him how you really feel so that he can see your point of view as well. You can't plan the future alone.

[lonelyinlove]

You definitely need to talk to him about how this will effect you guys' future & the opportunity to close the distance. As much as you would like him to do, can't read your mind, so u need to make ur feelings known...

[BlueCat]

One thing that my long distance relationship has taken from me, is many, many job opportunities. For several years now I have refrained from applying for jobs which are like dream jobs to me for the chance to visit and be with my SO. I don't blame my SO for it, but I feel like I have missed out on a lot. Maybe if I had talked to him about it, he would have been ok with me taking one of those jobs for a while. But I always felt obliged to not do anything about them so that we could be together.

Your SO has a great opportunity before him, yes it could set your plans back, but if he's really looking forward to it then not being supportive is only going to make him resent you for his decision. That doesn't mean you can't tell him how you feel, because you should, but it's possible that he might not get that sort of opportunity again and if it only ends up being for a year, it's not such an imppossible set back.

[Softy]

Being in a LDR is harsh
And sometimes making choices about a job or a career is also harsh.
My SO will move to my country, well that's the plan, and he will have to let go of his work.
I know that's a lot to ask of someone to leave work.
And I don't know what I would think or do if our plan to close the distance would be crushed because of some career opportunity.

Like in your case, I guess it's right to be happy for him as a career is important.
But I also think it's right for you to feel sad, worried or upset because it may mean the plans are changing.
I understand both sides of the coin really.

But as other said, talk to him about it.
Who knows, maybe you could move there eventually with him?
Wouldn't that be a possibility?

[Alemap]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if after two years together, and making plans for the future, your partner sought an international job without even consulting you, he's letting you know loud and clear what his priorities are - and you're not one of them, I'm afraid.
This was a deeply cruddy and inconsiderate thing to do; you've been together long enough that the least you deserve is still more than that.

[Lunar Snow]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your comments! I'm sorry I couldn't get back to you until now; we are fostering a rabbit from a local shelter and the critter is living in my room, so I can't charge my laptop in there (and have discovered there are surprisingly few other places to charge it). Anyway, I am going to endeavour to reply to your responses now.

As a follow up, my SO is back to his home now. There were a few nights we didn't talk, but others we did. We used Skype and the internet connection was TERRIBLE! It cut out/ stopped the call about 30 times per conversation and was so frustrating! We ended up just doing a voice call, instead of video too, and even that cut out about 15 times per call. That certainly heightened my upset feelings!

I was really stand-offish, but eventually decided to show some interest and enthusiasm for his travel there. Still, I couldn't bring myself to wish him luck for getting a job that would take him so far away from me. There were several other people there for the interview and my SO's interview(s) totalled 5 hours, which I was sympathetic for. I think he had a good time being somewhere different for awhile, but also expressed that he missed me.

I don't know what has happened with the job, as he said they would contact him within a week from the date (which would be by today, I guess?). We talked the night he came home--he was very tired, so it was only for a little while and mostly about his flight back. The last couple of days, we haven't had an opportunity to talk, so he may have news for me tonight... Either way, I think we are overdue for a frank discussion about the future of our relationship.

[Lunar Snow]

Your plans for closeing the distance, are they for you move to him, or him move to you? If he takes the job and moves to the Netherlands, is it a well paid job? Would he still be able to visit? What would his holiday allowance be like? Could you still talk the same amount? If it is a good and better paid job, then does that mean that he will be able to save up more money for you two? Would you ever consider moving to the Netherlands? ~ Just a few questions that I would probably consider myself.

I can only imagine how bad you are feeling. Try talking to him about it, and tell him how you feel, if you haven't already. Men find it hard to understand our emotions and can't get their head around them more often than not, as I'm sure that you know already! But maybe he see's it as an opportunity to improve your relationship in the long run? I hope that you can talk to him and figure something out. Try not to feel to much as though it is a slap in the face, but look from his point of view. If it's a once in a life opportunity, then he might feel like he has to take it. Maybe talk to him about you moving with him, just to see what he says? I hope that you can figure something out, but remember, he hasn't passed any interviews yet or taken any jobs.

Try not to feel too bad about it. I think that what you really need to do is just have a proper sit down with him and tell him how you feel, but get him to tell you why this job appeals to him so much and how he thinks it would affect your relationship first, so that what you say wouldn't affect what he says in any way (not that he would change anything on purpose, but people do that naturally to flow with what someone said before them). Good luck, and I hope that you manage to talk to him about it and sort something out. Remember that you can always come on here and talk or rant about how it all goes and how you are feeling! I hope that what I said helped in some way

Those are very good questions, some of which I hadn't thought of and will consider. Overall, though, he has not been forthcoming about the details of the job (duration, pay, motivation, etc.), which has also been hurtful when we are also supposed to be very good friends, as well as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Case in point, when we were first discussing it and I finally asked him if he had considered how it would impact our relationship, he seemed not to have thought of that at all. As an afterthought, in the conversation, he thought that maybe I could move there and find some sort of teaching job. ...but that was news to me, as it was the complete opposite of what we had last discussed. A loving and mature way to have dealt with that, would have been to acknowledge that it might impact our relationship and already have looked up some good jobs that I could apply for, too.

Yes, you were helpful. I will see if there is any news tonight and will very likely be coming on here to rant, either way, after we have a more serious discussion.

[Lunar Snow]

I don't know your story, apart from what you said here, so I'm going to assume a couple things. I'm assuming you're both in your mid-20's, and I see you've been together just over 2 years. (Correct me if I'm wrong.) What does your SO do? Why does he feel like his job will eventually be written out?

I am not saying this because I think it is wrong that you're upset, but I don't know if you've thought about it from his side. I was lucky and was hired before I graduated. (I actually had a choice between Texas, Georgia, and Florida.) While I was job hunting my SO told me that he would follow me to wherever I got a job, since I was more likely to get an offer first. Now that I've been with this company for nearly a year and he's still out of work (and we're LD again) if he were to get an offer that moved him farther away from me, I would tell him to take it. He wants to find a career, and is clearly unhappy with the thought of you supporting him. For some reason most men (please guys, correct me if I'm wrong) feel the need to support their ladies. Yes, there are the occasional ones who would rather be supported, but they are few.

If he's willing to move to a different country to get a job, then he must be desperate for work. It's a bonus that he has family there, so he won't be completely alone. Sure, be a little sad that he may be putting an ocean between you. But don't think he's doing it because he wants to get away or isn't putting you first. Tbh, I think he is putting you first, which is why he's putting himself out there.

When he gets back from his interview, tell him how proud you are of him. Tell him how you were upset when he first told you about the opportunity, and that in the future you would like to be included more.

Feel free to PM me if you want.

My SO does computer programming, which I think would be a pretty transferable skill to anywhere in the world, including where I am. He feels that way about his current job, as he was "borrowed" by another research unit in a different state and the boss there really wanted to poach him. That other boss claimed that my SO's regular work place was in trouble and that my SO should come there (sounds fishy). However, my SO talked to his regular boss and his regular boss indicated there may be some cutbacks in the future, but they didn't really have any idea where they would come. Now, my SO feels like the "writing is on the wall," which I think is a bit of a leap, but I do understand that it is better to look for a job while you still have one in hand, if possible. I think a bigger part of it is that he wants a change and that motivation is really all about him...there has been no mention of how this job could help our relationship.

On the other hand, yes, I totally understand the excitement over their expressed interest in him and the once in a life-time possibility. ...but I feel like this job, or another like it, could be a very permanent part of his lifetime, not just an adventure for a year or so. I guess I need to help him discuss things more openly, to find out of the writing is on the wall for our relationship.

I wish it was like you described, though, and it was in consideration of a future together, but I am doubting that. :S

[Lunar Snow]

it sounds like he has been making excuses in the past for closing the distance. Could this be his way of ending things easier on him? If like previous poster stated, he just seriously needs a job, then that would be a valid excuse to move. is it a long term or temporary position?
You really need to sit down and discuss this with him. Wait till he gets back from the interview. See how it went. See how he feels about it. Then ask him how he feels about your relationship, if he wants it to continue, if he sees a future with you (not ld). You are going to have to be very open with your feelings, but not in a confrontational way.
And if he takes the job, you need to make the decision if you can handle the extended distance.

I had thought of that and I hope not. If it was his way of ending things, then I don't really understand why he still wants to talk to me every day. See, he hasn't even told me the duration of the job! I am in the dark!

Yes, a discussion is definitely in order and I am very willing and able to be open about my feelings (although, I struggle sometimes with making that non-confrontational...so it is good I have had some time to cool down). For him, though, he seems to freeze up with any sort of conversation like this and then I have to lead him through it with lots of questions (which can come off as confrontational); I would maybe expect that at the beginning, but we have been serious for awhile now and he needs to talk openly about some things. Some facets of his personality are that he can be rather cold and analytical, at times, and can also be very private. However, we have known each other long enough that those are becoming rather weak excuses. So, yes, a conversation we will have! I hope...