I just don't know what to do

[Daisy888]

Hi everyone. I have been lurking for a while, but this is my first post. I have been with my SO for almost 3.5 years, and 3 years of that has been LD as he is at law school. About 2 months ago, we took a break for about 3 weeks because we were fighting constantly. He had this female friend, Sarah, and I thought their friendship was inappropriate. When I visited him in the fall, she said some things to me that made me believe she had feelings for him. I nagged him a lot about her because I didn't feel comfortable. During our break, I worked hard to fix some of our problems, and we both realized how much we loved each other.

During our break, we talked about not hooking up with other people. I just found out that during the break he was with Sarah. 4 days after we broke up they slept together, and they spent that a majority of that weekend on "dates" with her and being with her. It was more than just physically hooking up with this girl. He said that things didn't feel right with her, and this made him realize how much he loves me. He says he was never with her when we were officially together. They stopped being friends as soon as we started getting back together.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like he cheated even though we weren't technically together. His graduation from law school is this weekend, and I'm supposed to go. I have no idea if I can go and face him and her. I love him and I want to be with him, but I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I just keep thinking about their friendship and wonder how long feelings were involved. We were supposed to end the distance at the end of the summer, and I don't know if we will be together to enjoy making it through the distance. Has anyone dealt with infidelity, and how can the trust be rebuilt when being so far away?

[lala]

ok so what happened exactelly between them? was it just "dating" or more like kissing and so on? People could say now that you guys weren't technically together..but as you both say that you don't want to hook up.. and for me I couldn't get together with another guy just after taking a short break with my SO (but that's just my opinion).
and it sounds like he had feelings for this girls and used this break to figure out if she is "better" than you.. Only you can tell how you feel about it and if you can live with it. Fixing trust issues when being LD is really hard. I had the same problem and still there are days when I thik about it, but I am also a person who can not forget.. You will need time to trust him again..and a lot to talk about!

[temporaryuser]

how far apart are you? How long had you been fighting? You both agreed to take a break from each other. Was the discussion of not being with other people before you talked about taking the break?
Communication is going to be big here. Doyou give up on 3 and half years over this? Only you can make that decision. Are you going to miss his graduation because of this? I wouldnt. This is a huge day in his life. if you dont go, it shows little support and compassion for what he has been thru. Cant face the two of them? Why not? are you not the bigger person? You dont have to go and hang all over him in front of her. You dont even have to speak to her. law school isnt easy. Atleast show him that you care about him as a person and attend the graduation. Then you can talk face to face about what happened. Cheating isnt something to be discussed via email or phone if you can help it. You will have a better guage of his reactions in person.

[Dylan313]

I agree with lala, it sounds like he was testing the market a little bit. Which isn't exactly fair to you. In the end it's your decision to make. If you love him and want to be with him and he wants to be with you then there needs to be some serious discussion and understanding on both ends. Goodluck. Hope everything works out the way you want it to.

[Zapookie]

So the reason for the break was that you were fighting constantly. Then you took said break, and both decided that you would not hook up with other people, but he has gone and done just that. Seems like either there's a communication breakdown, due to the fighting and him possibly misunderstanding what you meant by hooking up, or his feelings for you have been up in the air in the lead up to the break.

I don't know.. love doesn't always conquer everything. It takes effort, communication, trust, honesty, respect, and a whole bunch of other things. Trust has gone out of the window. You can't have a long distance relationship without trust. Simple as that.

If you want to start somewhere, you need to talk to him and lay out all of your feelings. You need to let him understand your thoughts and where you're coming from. No, it wasn't OK for him to go and sleep with someone else when you both said you wouldn't, but let him know that you love him and you're willing to look past that if he promises to be 100% honest with you from this point onwards.

I find that if your gut is telling you one thing, and but your heart is yelling out another, go with your gut - it's usually right.

I, personally, would not be able to continue a relationship with my boyfriend if we so happened to take a break and he slept with someone else. It would be too much for me, and I would only continue torture him with my insecurities, constantly thinking his feelings for me weren't true because of one misdemeanor. It's forgivable, but it wouldn't be worth continuing for me.

Best wishes.

[LoveJ]

While my first instinct would be to say to try to let the Sarah thing go, since you both agreed not to hook up with other people during your break, and he went and did it anyway with her (when she was already a 'sensitive subject) that leads me to believe he had planned to, regardless of what you two agreed to, and that's not a very nice thing to have done to you. He may have said that to avoid hurting you as he seems to have needed to explore a little bit to be sure of himself and the two of you. That doesn't justify it, but that may have been his intention.

I can imagine how hard it would be to forgive him for that and let it go, and I can definitely understand why it would feel like he cheated if he promised not to be physical with anyone else but did anyway. Does he seem fully committed to you now, or do you still have doubts? If he's all yours, and you know it in your heart, he may have just needed that little bit of 'exploration' to be sure of it.

[FierceFoxie]

I also agree that it wasn't ok for him to hook up with this girl after you had both clearly laid down some ground rules about not hooking up with anyone. It's possible he had feelings for her for some time before this break and just used this break as an excuse because he was still justifying it in his head that he technically was single at the time and so he didn't really cheat.

I think the fact that he was honest with you about what happened with her is a good indication that there is remorse for doing so and that he wanted to start over with a clean slate with you. He has obviously made the choice that you are the woman he wants to be with and not her. He may have needed to figure that out; which is why he hooked up with her. Just looking on the outside, she meant nothing to him.

She is out of the picture now, so do you think it's possible for you to move past this now and start over?

[alesitag]

I think the fact that he was honest with you about what happened with her is a good indication that there is remorse for doing so and that he wanted to start over with a clean slate with you.

This. Although i do not justify his actions, i do think he got some bonus points here for being honest. Think about it... You could have never known this and you'd be back with him and be happy NOT KNOWING and thinking of him as a saint or whatever, but instead, he chose to be honest and open to you... He chose to show you his flaws and weaknesses.

I'd definitely attend his graduation and have a long conversation about this matter.

Good luck!!

[floridaellen]

I think you should go to the graduation and talk about this issue.

My SO and I broke up and got back together. During that breakup time, I did hookup with someone else. It didn't feel right and it helped me realize that I wanted to be with my SO. But we were completely broken up and had no ground rules. So I guess I'm torn.

[sewbama]

Go to graduation. Whatever else you decide, seeing him face to face will only help confirm it. But be sure to talk to him about everything you feel. Face to face if you can.

[Filly]

Go to graduation. Whatever else you decide, seeing him face to face will only help confirm it. But be sure to talk to him about everything you feel. Face to face if you can.

This. You more than likely feel hurt and disappointed right now but at least you'll know whats up when you see him. And when you calm down you'll probably regret that you didn't go and support him.

[lonelyinlove]

4 days after u guys breakup he sleeps with her?!

Thats just disrespectful in my opinion....

[Daisy888]

Thank you so much everyone. I've decided to go to his graduation. I feel like I need to see him to truly understand how I feel. He says he's completely devoted to me now, and he feels so much remorse about what he's done. I don't know yet if this is something I can get past, but I will regret it if I don't at least try. In a few days, he will only be 3 hours away (as opposed to 13), so we can take things slow and see how we both feel.

[BlueCat]

One of the reasons my SO gave me for forgiving me for cheating on him was the fact that he could see how truly sorry and regretful and ashamed I felt about what I had done. I'm glad you're going to his graduation. I'm not sure if you've just e-mailed or if you have video called and discussed it, but if not, a face to face will definitely help you work out what you want to do. There's no reason the relationship can't work from here. You just have to realise that if you're going to be together that you do need to completely forgive him. Because if you can't and you say you have, then he'll have mis-placed trust in you as well.