Is closing the distance just a pipe dream?

[scasey92]

When I met my SO he was already separated from his wife, who cheated on him a few years ago (had a relationship while he was deployed). Since then almost a year and a half has gone by and he is just now getting the ball rolling on his divorce (due to things like living situations and income that would be affected if he were no longer 'married' while in the army). His being 'married' has put an obviously HUGE strain on the relationship because she has been trying to get him back since the day I met him. I know he loves me and wants to be with me because he is changing his life for me. He did not reenlist so he could be with me and is willing to come to me so we can be together. We are entering the home stretch as he would be out of the army in November. But the strain of long distance plus the divorce has worn us out so much we cant see any hope any more. I guess the reason I'm writing is because I would just like some advice on how to keep things going. Things have gotten so hard that all the plans we made, and living together seems like a fantasy that was just a dream we we're chasing that will never come true. Should we stick it out and find out if things work? We keep breaking up over fights and things that would not be relevant if we were not in an LDR, but the reason we keep coming back is because we feel we haven't had a REAL chance at a relationship. One that didn't involve a crazy wife, the military, and the distance. Because when we see each other the doubts and fights always melt away. The strain of everything has made us do and say things we both regret, and I feel our past will always be creeping up one us, even if we do end up closing the distance.

Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated. Thanks

[Zapookie]

Welcome to LFAD

You mentioned that you keep breaking up due to fights which are caused by things that would not be relevant if you were close-distance. So I think the main thing you two need to work on is your communication. What are the reasons for fighting? Are they things that continuously get brought back up? If they are petty issues, I would really take a step back and ask yourself if it's worth fighting over. Learn to pick your battles. Also think before you say things out of anger. Words do hurt, even if its said in the heat of the moment.

Also, just because you're long distance, doesn't mean it isn't a "real relationship". It's still a relationship, the dynamic is just different. What form of communication do you use to talk to your SO? Phone calls and video chats are the best options in my opinion. You can hear the tone in the other persons voice, so words may not be as easily misunderstood and taken the wrong way.

EDIT: And no, I don't think closing the distance is a pipe-dream. It's about learning to communicate, being honest, respectful and being 100% committed to making it work. Once you have all of these down-pat, it makes the journey and the waiting a lot easier on the both of you. Many people on this website have closed the distance after putting in a lot of time and effort. It is possible.

[efish1042]

Welcome to LFAD

You mentioned that you keep breaking up due to fights which are caused by things that would not be relevant if you were close-distance. So I think the main thing you two need to work on is your communication. What are the reasons for fighting? Are they things that continuously get brought back up? If they are petty issues, I would really take a step back and ask yourself if it's worth fighting over. Learn to pick your battles. Also think before you say things out of anger. Words do hurt, even if its said in the heat of the moment.

Also, just because you're long distance, doesn't mean it isn't a "real relationship". It's still a relationship, the dynamic is just different. What form of communication do you use to talk to your SO? Phone calls and video chats are the best options in my opinion. You can hear the tone in the other persons voice, so words may not be as easily misunderstood and taken the wrong way.

EDIT: And no, I don't think closing the distance is a pipe-dream. It's about learning to communicate, being honest, respectful and being 100% committed to making it work. Once you have all of these down-pat, it makes the journey and the waiting a lot easier on the both of you. Many people on this website have closed the distance after putting in a lot of time and effort. It is possible.

This. Pretty much everything she said, I second. And there is a whole forum here dedicated to LDR Alumni! I plan to close the distance after 3 1/2 years of LDR this August. It isn't a pipe dream... You sound like you have other problems than waiting it out. You have to be more stubborn and determined than your obstacles. In the end, they can bring you closer together

[LoveJ]

Considering how long you've been doing this dance for, I can completely understand why you're starting to feel hopeless. An existing marriage that isn't over yet can feel like the biggest brick wall in the world, with a giant steel plate on the other side of it. That coupled with the distance and the military restrictions make it very easy to understand why you feel what you do. But keep in mind that November isn't that far away.

When you break up, is it really just LDR issues, or are they bigger than that? Are they because of his marriage and you feel that he isn't trying to end it? Is it because you feel like he's letting his estranged wife control him still? Or that you get so bothered by the fact that she keeps trying to get him back, and the fact that he's still married to her makes you worry that she'll succeed?

If he's committed to you, don't let the marriage stuff bug you. Believe me when I say I know how that feels (I've been there), but you just need to trust that he'll take care of things on that front. Divorces almost always take longer than you think they will or want them to; now is when you really need to work hard at letting go of that as best you can and not letting it be a big factor in your relationship. If you don't let the fact that he's still married become something that makes it feel like the two of you will never really happen, that hopelessness will start to fade.

It's hard, and it takes time, but a lot of keeping things going over the next little while will be you forcing yourself mentally to put things like the marriage and him still being in the army on the back burner for awhile (since there really isn't anything you can do about either right no) and just focus on you and him: your time together, how much you love each other, and what it is that made you fall for him in the first place. I'm one to talk, but worrying about things you can't change really makes things a lot harder than they need to be, and the best thing to do in that case is do your best to not let that be such a big focus in your mind.