Feeling Underappreciated :(

[littleblue]

Hi guys, i could really do with some other opinions on my current situation, I can't separate myself enough to look at it reasonably, and I don't know if i'm just being stupid and need to get over it?

My SO is working overseas at the moment. It was initially meant to be 3 months, and he would have been back ages ago, but it keeps getting longer and longer. He was supposed to be back (after 6 months) at the end of this month, but he's staying longer now, until the end of July, making it 9 months altogether.

I'm not happy about this and I've told him how I feel, but I also understand that he needs the money. I love him and want to be with him, so I am prepared to wait a bit longer, because I want to make us work.

He was supposed to be taking 2 weeks off to come to see me, but he's just told me that he's coming 5 days later now because flights are cheaper, which means he'll be here for just over a week. I'm not completely unreasonable and I would be understanding if they were hundreds of pounds, but they aren't. It bothers me because he was happy to spend £200 last week on getting tattooed. The flights are half this price, and I know it feels dumb, but it makes me feel like I'm really low-priority when he would rather spend money on that than seeing me for a few extra days.

Since I found out he's staying out there for another couple of months, i'm obviously quite down, and I just don't feel like he's doing much to make me feel better about it. He forgot I had a job interview yesterday, so didnt wish me luck or ask me how it went. It was a big deal for me. What made it worse is that i tried to talk to him about it the night before, and he seemed uninterested, and changed the subject to moan about how much he hates being overseas.

I've never felt undervalued in our relationship before, and I don't know if i'm just overreacting about something stupid, but I've tried talking to him about it but he just gets defensive????

Sorry its so long-winded, i could just really do with another opinion on how to handle this??

[BabyDimples]

I don't think that you are overreacting at all. All I can advise, is talk to him. It sounds like he's being a bit selfish and insensitive. Talk to him and try to work out how much of a priority your relationship is to him.

[Jazi]

I don't think that you are overreacting at all. All I can advise, is talk to him. It sounds like he's being a bit selfish and insensitive. Talk to him and try to work out how much of a priority your relationship is to him.

you really do need to talk to him.

There is no magical fix to this situation, it sucks, and its going to suck for a while longer probably.. so thats just a part you're going to have to deal with.. but he's definitely not making it easy on you. Although you do have to have some understanding that he is an individual and yes, he may be making some silly decisions on where/how he is spending his money.. you can't mother him, you don't want him to end up resenting you for controlling him or being mad at him for every decision he makes.

talk to him about how your feeling, keep your cool though when you do and come from a neutral place and don't accuse him of anything, some good strong communication is needed I think.

[kteire]

Yeah, I'd be really upset about that all. I can understand how it's beneficial to stay where he is now, and it sounds like you're being perfectly reasonable about that.

I don't have a lot to suggest, except that he needs to hear all of this. I find that if I need to talk to my SO about something that's difficult, I like to write my thoughts down before hand so that I make sure I'm clear about everything. And when you're talking to him, if he interrupts or starts trying to defend his actions, ask him to hear you out before he responds. While he might not see anything wrong with his actions, and feels the need to defend them, what's important is that his actions are hurting you. It might clear things up if he can explain it, but otherwise, he has to accept that you've got every right to be upset, you can't control that!!

[redapple]

Maybe being on his own has turned him a bit self-absorbed? To put it nicely if my SO halved his time with me after not having seen me for 6+ months for the sake of a couple of hours wage then I too would be pissed! Also forgetting the little stuff happens in both CD and LDR but forgetting important things like interviews ect. Not cool...! In the words of a northern girl (I'm from the uk too) have a word! Hopefully he'll snap out of it an pull his weight xx

[littleblue]

Thanks for your advice

I tried to talk about it but he got defensive and hung up and now wont answer my calls I don't really know what to do

[LoveJ]

It sounds like he's playing "Mr. Independent" and doesn't feel like he wants to explain himself or justify his actions. Maybe he's got a new friend who's covered head to toe in tattoos who convinced him they're the coolest things since sliced bread, so now he goes and blows his trip money on tattoos. He sounds like he's being a bit selfish right now in living his life separately from you and not feeling like he should ever explain himself or what's going, and just feels he should be free to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.

We're all individuals, but if you make a commitment to be with someone, that's also a commitment to share your life with them, not expect them to wait on you while you do your own thing all the time. If he's avoiding your calls, screw it. Find some things to do that make you happy and put him on the backburner for a little while. You shouldn't be expected to wait around for him and invest everything into the relationship if he isn't doing the same. Go get yourself a big bucket of ice cream, slap on The Holiday, and forget he exists for a little while. Sadly, with situations like this, time will tell how they're going to turn out, and my advice right now would be to just do your own thing for a little while until he reaches out. You can only do so much, you know?

[Zapookie]

Thanks for your advice

I tried to talk about it but he got defensive and hung up and now wont answer my calls I don't really know what to do

When you try to talk to him about it again, don't pin it all on him and making it sound like you're accusing him, because most people in that situation would get defensive. Explain to him how you've been feeling and how all of this is affecting you. Hopefully you'll get a better response if you change up the wording.

[Carenza LaRue]

I can imagine vividly you are upset about all this... to me it does sound like he is not putting you first at this moment.

maybe a note, in which you explain how his conduct makes you feel, should do the trick?