The "C" word...and a LDR

[nurseliberty]

So...I need to post this somewhere. Somewhere where people understand LDR's and the issues they bring.

My BF and I have been dating for over 2.5 years. Met through a common interest. We were discussing marriage when I found out my cancer is back (I had been in remission for some time when we started dating). Needless to say, I am devastated. So is he. He says he is not leaving, even though I gave him the option to. Says he doesn't care if I'm bald, if I'm sick, or whatever. The news got worse. The last time I was in the hospital with a very bad reaction to chemo, I was given a 12-18 month prognosis.

My problem is that I have been a mess since this happened. I am a single mom, and even though I've done this cancer thing before, being told I am basically going to die in 18 months (short of some miracle) just shakes me to the core. I don't know how to explain it. I've been an RN for a long time, I have cared for many cancer patients, and I know what is coming. I've been such a mess lately that I have been pushing everyone away. I don't know why, I just am.

It is so hard to talk about anything else, like we used to. He is trying to get time off work (not easy working for the federal gov, where no one is allowed leave right now). He even put in paperwork to retire. He says he's putting his dream of moving to the state we both want to move to on hold, and that he wants to move up here and take care of me and the kids. Says he still wants to marry me. He said the last time we talked, when I was especially emotionally distraught after a rough chemo session, that he doesn't care if he only has 5 minutes with me. That having that 5 minutes, or however long he has, is better than nothing.

Except it seems the more he pushes and says things like that, the more I pull away. I know this is probably way beyond what most here have experienced, and I am talking with professionals about this, but none of those people understand LDR's. And how hard it is in a normal LDR to miss your BF, to want him with you, etc. Add cancer to that mix, add the fear of an uncertain future, and those feelings have become much, MUCH worse for me.

I feel so bad every time he starts crying on the phone. It makes me feel horrible for telling him how I feel. I have a hard enough time explaining the things I go through. It's hard that when I'm down, he's down just as much, if not more. I know he feels incredibly helpless. He is a macho, man's man. A firefighter who doesn't show weakness. And here he is sobbing on the phone, and it makes me so sad.

I don't even know what I am looking for by posting this here. The few people I have told about what's happening to me, have basically told me to just dump my BF, because an LDR isn't "real" anyway, and that he'll dump me if he comes up here and sees me bald, sick, and miserable. Gee, thanks for that! Why do people think that just because your relationship is long-distance that it's not "real"? That we don't feel everything a "normal" couple feels? It is so aggravating. Of course I worry that he'll see me sick, frail, and bald and want to bolt. I also worry about what will happen to my kids if/when I do die. Yes, I have a will. He even told me the other day he wants to adopt my kids so that they have some stability in their life if I do die. He is holding out hope that I'll beat this again. The kids do have a biological father, but he is not a stable or reliable fixture in their lives.

I am just an emotional wreck. I go up and down and back again over and over again every day. We were making plans to close the distance when I got the news. Now I don't know what to do. I am having a LOT of difficulty with the fact that I can't work now and I will have to rely on someone to help me out. After being in an abusive marriage years and years ago, I swore up and down I'd never be in that kind of position again. It drives my BF nuts when I fight him on things like that, even though he knows why I do it. Of course, it doesn't help that his family hates me (even though they've never met me), and have told him repeatedly I'm just a gold-digger looking for a daddy for my kids.

Wow, this has become like a journal entry. I'm sorry for that. I guess I am just looking for anyone who has possibly gone through something like this? I know it hurts him when I pull away, but for some reason I keep doing it. He is an amazing man, and I would love to marry him. The fact that he's willing to put his dreams of early retirement and moving to his house in the mountains to come up here and take care of a very sick girlfriend just makes me cry. I've never known a man to even offer anything like that. My marriage was hell and my BF is the exact opposite of everything I've ever known. In a good way. We have so much in common and we truly enjoy each other's company. I am so angry that I had to get sick again, when my life was becoming so good. Things were coming together so great, and now it seems like they are falling apart at breakneck speed.

I'll stop rambling now. I'm sorry for going on and on. I don't have anyone in my life to talk to about this who thinks my relationship stands a chance in hell. Which makes me angry because I don't understand how people can be so dang cruel. My love for my BF is no less real than anyone else's love for their BF. In their analogy, anyone who has a husband/wife overseas fighting in the war can't have a "real" relationship, because of the distance. How stupid. Love knows no boundaries or distance. I wish I had an easier time talking to my BF and just accepting his help. Though it hurts to not know when he'll be able to come up to be with me. I want nothing else than to have him here next to me at night. Life is so short.

If anyone read this, thanks. I'd love to read your responses if you feel like responding. Thanks again for anyone who read this. So sorry about the length and all-over ramblings.

[lyonsgirl]

I just wanted to let you know that I read through your post. I haven't ever been in a situation like yours, but I can tell you that I have heard that LDR's aren't "real". They are. If you want to make it work, you will. You obviously love each other-and based on what you have said I doubt your man would leave you because you're sick.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

[dglynn77]

Read your post also and wanted to add my prayers both for you and your situation to lyonsgirl's.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I am so sorry that you're going through such a difficult time. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. I'm not going to pretend to understand exactly what's going on for you, but I did have some thoughts on your post. Feel free to completely ignore anything I'm saying, because your situation may be more complex than I'm anticipating, or I might be out of line, or something. I'm just going to give my opinion, and hope that it helps you, in any way at all.

Ok, the first thing I want to mention is that you said you're a single parent. Right up until you said that, I was 100% gunning to tell you to let your SO care for you, and let him want to be with you as soon as possible. The only problem I see here is that, as morbid and difficult as this is to say to you, if your SO moves to you, to take care of you and the kids (and I've had cancer deaths in my family, and you've taken care of cancer patients, you know that you WILL need someone to help you), if the worst happens (and I'm praying that it doesn't), what will happen to your kids? Do they have another family member that can take care of them? Because muddling in your SO at this point... your kids are going to be adjusting to you being ill, and then a live-in boyfriend on top of that... and then if something bad happens, are they going to be your SO's responsibility after that?
I don't mean to worry you or panic you, but I think before you work out the logistics of your SO moving to you, (which I actually think you might benefit from, in terms of someone to be there to help care for you as well as emotional support) you should be clear on what you're expecting if worst comes to worst, and have things as clearly in order as you can.
I have to say, your SO is making it pretty clear that he is 100% dedicated to you - he's even putting in papers for retirement so he can come and be with you, and he's prepared to put his dreams on hold because he wants to marry you. I don't think you should underestimate him.

Anyway, like I said, I might be out of line, or have said something stupid, so feel free to completely ignore this post.

BUT, I want to re-iterate what has been said: LDRs are REAL relationships. Love is not dictated by geography.

[efish1042]

I sent you a PM / essay. Unfortunately, this sounds like my mother's situation 10 years ago made over. I just told you what happened with her and feel free to ignore my suggestions. I can't know your situation exactly and I'm not a mother. But know that you have all my sympathy and message me anytime.

[Moon]

Sweetheart, I am so sorry. You're right in that a lot of people don't understand LDR's, but what they don't realize is that an LDR boyfriend is no more likely to leave you than a CDR boyfriend in a time of crisis. A relationship is a relationship, regardless of whatever it's individual challenges are, and if you're with someone who is willing to stay with you through it, how you met or where you live doesn't really matter much. Don't let those people sway you, they can't help that they don't get it.

I think it's normal to pull away from people in these situations, it's a sort of subconscious way of protecting them from the hurt probably. You need to find a way to let him in and let him 'protect' you in the ways he can, it will be good for you both. don't be afraid to reach out for help, even if it's not something you'd normally do; this isn't a normal circumstance. I almost never say this, as I'm not a big believer in it, but you have a unique situation; I think you and he should consider some therapy just so you can get a fresh, unbiased perspective, and to help with difficult communication during such a difficult time. Your kids should probably have some too, just in case they need the help in dealing with things if the result isn't good.

My cousin is an 8 time cancer survivor, and sadly, it's back again and she's about to undergo her 9th round of chemo. She's had multiple cancers over the last 20 years, but was told this is likely it for her. She has three boys, two of which are quite young, and she has them in therapy to better cope if the time comes.

It's a horrible, unfair, shit situation but at least you have a man who wants to help you through, so do what you can to let him. If the doctor's are right, and you have my best wishes that they aren't, don't let that fucking bitch cancer claim the bit of happiness you can still grab, don't let it make you a mental victim too, if at all possible. Best of luck to you, and please stick around. LFAD helps enormously and the people here are very supportive.

[dukes2011]

Sometimes hard times make you pull away. I sort of understand what you mean about pulling away, but I will not pretend like I completely understand it because I don't. Last summer, I found a lump on my neck that turned out to be a benign lipoma but I was extremely hesitant to tell my boyfriend. I knew he would worry a lot and when I eventually told him, I was annoyed that he kept calling and asking how I was holding up. I just didn't want to be reminded while I was waiting for the blood work and CT scans.

Like Moon said, please stick around because this is such a supportive community. You and your family and your boyfriend are in my thoughts and prayers. My mother had cancer from ages 18-20 and her prognosis was not good either (Stage IV B Hodgkin's Lymphoma), but the day I graduated college she celebrated 30 years in remission. She never dreamed she would have two kids and see both of them graduate college. I'm hoping that her story gives you a little bit of hope.

Lastly, I'm really glad you have such a supportive SO. I'm sure you've seen it happen where the whole relationship changes based on a diagnosis and I'm really grateful your SO has your back. Don't think about what his family or anyone else has to say about your relationship not being real- you and him are the only opinions that matter.

[notyourexgirlfriend]

I read through your post and the posts of others and it really cements within me how much this community supports one another. I haven't been here long. I'm not sure of the whys and wherefores yet but I see all of this support and it really does amaze me.

I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. It's gotta be so tough, especially with young children. Reading that your LDR SO wants to basically drop everything and be with you in your time of need is so very selfless. I can understand that you're keeping him at arms length. These things scare the crap out of the best of us. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

[katylynnlee]

I really hope you can come back to the site and read what everyone is writing you, and that it will really help you in some way.

Now, I have never had cancer or known anyone that has had cancer. However, from what I know about any kind of sickness, is you can't give up. I realize this must be devastating news to you, your SO and your entire family, but there will come a time where you might have to stand stronger than you've ever stood before. I'm not trying to lessen the severity or how upsetting this must be to you, but you can't live like you're already gone. You're still living and you might just be that miracle! Don't let something like this ruin what was going good in your life. This is one part! Just one. If you both still want to get married, do it. Because you shouldn't have regrets, you should do what you really want to do, no matter what anyone else thinks or says about how silly it is.

Your SO sounds like he really loves you. It's understandable to push people away when in this kind of situation, because you don't want to hurt those people you care about the most in the long run (e.i, if the worst happens, you think your SO would be better off if you two weren't as close). This is a big change in your life, but it shouldn't stop you from being with the people you want to be with. As for his parents, who cares. Prove them wrong. There will always be someone against you, but you can't let them control your life. You should give your SO, your children and most of all, yourself the life you've always wanted. That's even if the worst happens (which you can't just assume it will, things change). Do you really want to spend the rest of your life worrying about what's going to happen and putting everything you love on hold?

I hope I don't sound mean, I'm trying to be helpful. I just think that you should still be able to do what you want to do. Make a plan if worse comes to worse, and then forget about it. Just do what you need to do to be happy and discover the things in your life that make you happiest. So, if something really does happen, you're happy. You're not stressed, or distant or worrying. You're happy.

"live well, love much, laugh often" - because that's what going to help you get better, feel better. Not worrying. I wish you the best of luck though and I really, REALLY hope you get better and things turn out great for you. <3

[Lilly9886]

I read your post and it makes me really sad to know how unfair life can be! I lost an aunt and a good family friend, they both had cancer... So I know how it feels a bit, to be on the family side... but I cannot even imagine how you feel about everything..

I like katylynnlee's advice to just make a plan for the worst, and after that, do what you want, as long as you can. Get married to your bf, live with him, travel wherever you want to, spend a lot of time with your kids.... whatever you want! try to make yourself happy (if that's possible in a way).

I wish this wouldn't happen to you, but maybe you are a miracle! Just don't stop fighting!!

[BabyDimples]

I don't have any experience with cancer, but all I would say, is spend time with your kids and your boyfriend. You also mentioned that he would want to adopt them. That shows real comimitment to you, and I don't think that seeing you sick or bald will make a difference to him at all. He loves you for you, just like he would love your kids. Be happy, and spend your time with them! My thoughts are with you

[TwoThree]

Don't have much to add to what others phrased better than me except that I hope you keep on fighting. Good luck.