Am I too controlling? I might end up destroying my relationship =(

[ItWon'tBeLong]

I'm afraid he's gonna end up getting tired of me. Yes this is a long post but I need advice and you guys need details lol Please read...We always argue pretty much about the same issues I don't necessarily think its all because of me, also him, but if I was more patient maybe things would be easier? The thing is he goes out drinking with his friends every weekend (fri, sat nights) which I consider too much, I dislike it and get a little upset over it. We have argued about it and he calls me "controlling."

1)I suppose I judge his drinking habits. I don't like it that he gets drunk often. The last time we were together his friends told me how bad it is when he is wasted, basically how he gets when he drinks too much. I totally dislike it, like really? Must you get so wasted and fall and trip and..I don't like the sound of him that way and me not being there to care for him. Its also sad because I think he drinks mainly out of loneliness because he misses me.

2)He has economic difficulties yet he has money for bars. I don't like seeing him without money :/ it worries me. He always has bills or tickets or rent, he desperately need a new car...which is okay that's life but don't run out to bars as soon as there's money in your hands. (This is the man who thinks he's ready to get married) I feel like I try so much and save up almost every penny so I can afford to visit him in CA. He is supposed to come next, in June. It makes me sad and I feel I care so much and save all I got but feel that he doesn't try as hard. Does he not wanna see me as bad? Sometimes I don't even wanna try and wanna go shopping which I'd love, but hey, he comes first..I prefer to see him with that money.

3) It hurts me to think that he is embarrassed of texting me with his friends around. I hate that every weekend I have to miss him because he can't spare a few txts here and there while he is out. Is it really that hard?? Even when I'm out with friends I text him here and there. Why can't he do the same? We're long distance, all I can do is imagine how his day went..what he saw..how the night is going with his friends, what place is it, is it kool? Who's there? Come on, I wanna picture you dude! Our relationship is based on talking, we don't see each other already! Maybe I'm too attached to him. Gosh maybe I'm just crazy and he is right about me being controlling =( if I ask those sort of questions he starts to think I'm asking too many.

I totally trust him however, I have no doubts that he is faithful...So its not that I'm paranoid ..I'm certain that if we weren't long distance I wouldn't mind all of these things or at least not as much. I just think I care..I wanna care for him, be there, look after him. And I obviously can't, why does my "care" seem so "controlling?" What should I do? How do I make him see it?????

[Romeo s Juliet]

Hi first of all i want to tell you i m so sorry that you are feeling this way. and i see that you are doing everything from your end to make the relationship work, and his behaviour pattern clearly makes you upset. i read the entire post, and i think as his partner you have every right to know what is going on in his life, specially because when you are long distance getting to know the little details are crucial.

1)his drinking habits seem really bad :/ one thing i see is even though you are his better half, he is an individual of his own. all you can do is tell him what you think is best for him, and tell him that his behaviour pattern is difficult for you to cope with. But sadly you cant make him do things the way you would want him to do them. You can tell him without being judgemental that you would like if he do things the way you would like to. Sometimes when you bring this up he may get defensive because he want to prove how right he is, and it could piss you off immediately, but listen to him thoroughly, before you tell him what you think is right, listening till he completely tell his reasons to prove his point, will calm you down and that would prevent you from saying something that would be extremely hurtful towards him. it would help to reduce the arguments. and you get to tell him your side of the story after listening to him thoroughly you will be more calmed down, and it would help you to express your side of the story without being selfish or intrusive.

2) secondly his spending habits, when you are saving up all your money to go meet him, and when you do not see him making any effort to do the same, i can understand how confused you must be feeling talking him out of something like that could create more arguments, cause after all once you start a family, that kind of spending habits may become one of the biggest problems you will have to face, therefore you need to decide if he is in a state to understand saving up is something that is going to benefit you and him in the future. if you think nothing is going to really change his mind on his saving habits, you need to really sit down and think, if you saving up every cent to go meet him, sacrificing your own needs and wants to shop etc is worth it, or if he is really worth it to start a family with.

3)keeping in touch during the day, this is something that depends from LDR to LDR, and honestly, i would get very pissed if my so do not want to let me in in his daily life, because thats the only way to feel at least a bit closer when there is hundreds and thousands of miles between us 2. so clearly him not wanting to let u in and letting u know what his daily life on his side of the world is like, that is hard and you would completely feel like am i really in a relationship with this guy?

As i think you are not being controlling, i see that he is behaving a bit selfish and not behaving like he is a responsible guy. You need to talk to him when he is in a more serious mode maybe, and definitely when you are not feeling sad/angry/upset. you wanting him to drink less, spend more resposibily, and contact you more is not being contrlling, he seems to want more freedom and sometimes just forget that you have needs too. once again, you cant make him do things, you can tell him, but its his choice to change for the worst or the best. Just tell him this is my concern, and i wish you would do this/that in a calm and supportive way. if he dont listen, you need to decide if giving 100% to him os worth it or not

[ChibiFelicia]

To me it doesnt sound like you're being controlling. May be its the way you go about it that makes him think you are overbearing.
Firstly, i think the drinking can cause a problem. Even when you are CD thats going to come up as a problem. Your dislike of his drinking for the whole weekend isnt magically going to go away when you go CD. I think you need to discuss that with him. Not tell him he cant go. Just limit it. I mean you say he's having financial problems but you cant stop doing everything you like. He just needs to limit it. Maybe once a week? Try to talk to him about it in a calm collected way. Dont accuse or anything, just ask him why he wants to go both days...i mean a hang over for the whole weekend isnt exactly that fun is it?
Secondly, from your post it really doesnt sound like he is putting much effort into saving money to see you. I really dont know how you can convince him to save up money. To prioritize his spending. Have you discussed these worries with him?
For your thrid point, i think we all understand communication is the key to any relationship. However texting when my guys out just doesnt happen. I wouldnt either when i was out. Even though communicating is very very important, you still need time away from each other, that sjust my view anyway.

[Softy]

You are not controlling, you are worried.

Why is he drinking so much?
How old is he?
Is it to overcome some issues he has? Or only to party?

Also, talk to him.
Tell him that: 'I'm sorry if it seems 'controlling, but thing is I love you, I care about you. Your drinking habits worries me. I'm worried that if you feel bad or get hurt I am not there next to you'.
Explain him how you feel and why it worries you.

But you are his gf and not his mother yes....
Sadly, not much else you can do, you cannot have him stop to drink or spend money.
He will have to realize himself he has issues with those.

[LoveL]

You aren't being controlling. He's just immature.
When he says that you are being controlling and you are trying to keep him from doing what he wants ("Hey, I'm just having fun. Don't you want me to have fun?") it's just his push-back to not dealing with the reason why he is doing what he is doing. He's blaming you and making you feel bad because deep down, he must know that he's just being a child and isn't ready to grow up.

You're in a tough spot. You can either accept his life-style and love him as he is or he can start to accept and respect that you have concerns about him and at least tone it down, if for nothing else, he should do it because it's important to you. (If even his friends mention that his drunkenness gets to the point of stupid ridiculousness, then he needs to take a step back and look at himself.) You don't really have many options here. If he doesn't want to change of his own accord, no amount of "nagging" him is going to change that. (I say "nag" because that's the way he is going to view it.) And, honestly, if he is not ready, what are you holding on to?

[Jazi]

But you are his gf and not his mother yes....
Sadly, not much else you can do, you cannot have him stop to drink or spend money.
He will have to realize himself he has issues with those.

This ^ you are coming across as controlling because you are trying to "change" an immature man who values his drinking and money-spending ways, the choice to change these things need to come within himself, not to please you.

If he doesn't want to change of his own accord, no amount of "nagging" him is going to change that. (I say "nag" because that's the way he is going to view it.) And, honestly, if he is not ready, what are you holding on to?

exactly, what are you gaining from being with a man like this? it sounds like you two are at very different stages of life, he wants to be young and immature, blowing his money away on drinking.. you want to build a stronger commitment and have priorities change.. I really think when you enter a relationship you HAVE to realise that you can't expect them to change for you, you have to love/accept them the way they are.. You want him to change for the sake of your relationship and your concerns for him, to him that is controlling and he clearly isn't ready to give it up.. So the choice/compromise needs to come from you - are you happy for him to continue this? will you wait until he (maybe) mellows and changes his priorities? .. or is he not the man for you at this stage in your life?

bottom line is - you can't expect him to change for you, it almost always causes resentment in a relationship when someone changes for the other person.

[Sierra]

You know, when I was in college, I dated a guy just who acting like this. His drinking really bothered me. Now I drink, and I've been wasted, but every weekend night is too much for me, it's something I can't help it. I don't like taking care of drunk people, I don't like the way they act, it's irresponsible and immature. To him, yes, you are being controlling and I can see why he'd think this, but at the end of the day, you're not being controlling your concerned.

The reason I wanted to respond to this is to say it's ok to be not ok with drinking in excess. It's also hard to know how much someone drinks when you're in a LDR. I learned from my last relationship that getting drunk on a regular basis is a total deal breaker for me.

I guess, I was in college once, been there, done that. It's ok if it's a phase or a party, but there is such thing as too much, and how much this is exactly is defined by the individuals. Your limit on how much someone should drink may be much lower than his but that's your prerogative.

[Katelyn313]

I can't help but agree with the other posters. They're right. You seem like you're in a different stage in your life. You seem mature in your thoughts and ideas and it sounds like he still wants to have fun without responsibilities. There are ways to have fun without going broke or getting yourself in trouble. Like everyone else said, moderation.

I can speak from experience here. My ex-husband was extremely immature with his money and while he didn't drink, he had other reckless behavior that was destructive. I ended up 'mothering' him for almost 7 years (dating and then marriage). I was so TIRED! All of the time! Now that I am away from that relationship, I feel much more calm, free, and relaxed! It's so taxing, mentally and physically, to worry about someone constantly.

Also, like the other posters said, what are you gaining by being with him? This sounds like he's causing you a lot of grief, but he doesn't seem to notice or care. I know you love him. I loved my ex. But I had to make sure I was taking care of myself as well. I worry about how all of this stress is affecting you. I'm not telling you to break up, but certainly, please make sure you are taking care of yourself and that if this is too much grief and stress, maybe you need to look at the big picture.

I wish you the best of luck, truly. And please, if you want/need, PM me, I'd be happy to chat.

Hope that helps, good luck

[sewbama]

Those things you mentioned are not you controlling him. It's concern over him and your relationship. Those are not necessarily healthy, but probably better than controlling.

I was in a LDR with a controlling and physically and verbally abusive man about six years ago. Beyond the abuse, the control was overwhelming. I was no where near him and yet he still decided everything he did. I wasn't allowed to go out after dark. I had to text him EVERY time I left somewhere and got somewhere. He had to know my exact schedule, and I had to check in with him every time I did something. I wasn't allowed to have friends because they would distract me from our relationship. That was control.

I'd definitely have a real conversation with him about it. It may be that he just isn't mature enough to recognize the consequences of his actions, or he may just not care. Either way communication is important. When you do talk to him, don't tell him what he can and cannot do. Tell him what you are concerned about. Get him to set boundaries for himself. Get him to set goals for himself. If he wants to change and improve his life, he will. Otherwise, you just have to live with his issues or leave. You can't MAKE him into the person you want him to be.

You aren't controlling, but you could be when you confront him on this. Just be careful and you probably won't.

Good luck!

[ItWon'tBeLong]

Thanks a lot everyone, you guys are all really helpful. (sorry I took forever..been busy with work)..

I also agree with all of you, I guess I am really concerned and it shouldn't be classified as "controlling" although he might see it like that. I should watch how I say things to him so I don't sound this way to him. I I should definitely speak with him when we're both calm. I have talked about these issues with him. Not about his money spending issues really, because I don't feel okay telling him how to spend his money. I'm not his wife, and I wanna give him time to mature on his own without me having to nag him I suppose.
Actually the "we're both in different places in life" theory could be true. I thought about it the other day. He is 23 and I'm 24. I think he drinks because he feels alone most of the time and because he misses me =( He has 2 jobs from 7am to 8:30pm..lives with roommates..never has a home cooked meal..and he doesn't have much of a relationship with his siblings (younger) or parents.He sleeps early and is always exhausted. He is very mature in many other aspects of life though, I'm almost certain that I am more immature than he is. He's always helping people, he is very kind and respectful..he's a great man. I do love him and I'm wiling to wait for him time for him to realize things on his own because I don't wanna be "controlling" as he would say. (I do have to talk to him about the drinking however.)

Again, thanks a lot. You guys have made me feel a lot better and most importantly of all, helped me see I'm not turning into a "control freak" lol I feel like you guys get me.

[Zapookie]

I can relate to the working all day every day, and wanting to just break loose on the weekend. At the time though, my SO and I weren't together and I used to party hard every saturday. Now that I'm in a relationship, I don't want to do that. I just want to skype with my SO all night long and see his face - and if I do go out on the rare occasion, I end up missing him so bad. I've even cried in front of my friends (embarrassing to say the least, but they were very understanding).

For me, it was just a phase. You have to figure out whether its a phase for him too, or if it's leading into a more substance filled lifestyle, then you need to decide whether you want to deal with this in the long term. I also want to say, he might be doing it for other reasons. He could be depressed. I know I was, and I tried to wrestle my demons with alcohol but it just didn't work. He might need professional help if that's the case... but talk to him about it first