5.5yr relationship with 4yr LDR, about to end when I get there.

[1024]

Greetings all,

I am stuck in a tough spot, and I could use some positive wisdom.

My girlfriend and I got together over 5 years ago, and since I had to leave and come home, we have been LDR for over 4 years. Things were great, and it kept strong. But in January she called it quits. I was going to surprise her with a visit anyways so I went, and after a month of spending time together things got back to where we were. I told her I was coming over in June, and left. Since that day we talked at least twice a day, FaceTime as much as possible, and she saw the improvements in my situation and the fact that what I told her in January were true; that I was so close to being done here.

In March she found a week long vacation in May, so I adjusted and planned my visit at the end of the month.

May 4th, she said that she couldn't do it anymore and called it quits. She listed the distance as the main reason, and that she wasn't happy. She loved what she saw happening, but she couldn't do it any more. It was too late. We've had 4 Dear John talks since, but they all end with a not so absolute conclusion. She still remains as an official girlfriend, but she says that it's been too long, she can't do the distance, and that she doesn't have the same feelings anymore, as in "I don't think I love you the way I did" kind of way. Albeit said as reasons in January.

I have a few plans to get back together physically, but I didn't even have a chance to tell her all of it.

She agreed to pick me up, but for now I am not staying. She cancelled our vacation trip, and is making plans during her vacation without me.

She still texts me and calls me almost everyday, but it seems only on her terms.


Here's my mental crisis:
1) Can a person who claims to have fallen out of love be brought back?
2) If you were ending a relationship, would it become an argument/debate and a "to be continued..."? Would you not completely sever ties, especially because we're so far apart? Would you not publicly kick me to the curb?
3) How have people successfully fixed up relationships with a similar situation?

My mind is blank. I have 7 days until I see her.

I would appreciate any positive suggestions.

[lala]

First of all I'm sorry go hear that you are in such a situation..

but can I ask you why she broke up with you first and then get back together? Are you sure it is just because of the distance? You know after 5 years most of the time being LD feelings can go away,.. I mean feelings can always go away. But maybe she is just not satisfied with your situation..have you ever had plans for closing the distance? I don't know how far apart you guys are or how often you see eachother..or your actualy situation..age and so on. But if my SO and me would be over 5 years LD without having a plan on closing the distance or marriage, I could't do it as well.. my feeling would also probably go away.. but like I said I don't know your situation.

to come to your questions:

1) Can a person who claims to have fallen out of love be brought back?
I think yes but it depends on the person and the reason of the breake up. I think that there are always some feelings left but it depends on how strong they are and if the person want give it a shot.

2) If you were ending a relationship, would it become an argument/debate and a "to be continued..."? Would you not completely sever ties, especially because we're so far apart? Would you not publicly kick me to the curb?
It depends again on the reason why this relationship enden. i would probably stop the contact for a while.. and to protect myself and my heart I would try to forget him. I'm a person that when she brakes up it's was always..and never would get back with an ex (but that's just me)

3) How have people successfully fixed up relationships with a similar situation?
can't tell you about this.. but I think talking open and honestly with eachother would help. For example let her know about your plans..

good luck

[ChibiFelicia]

I really dont know what to say, i just really feel for you.

To answer your questions.
1, From my experience, i was like you're GF and when i told my (then) bf i didnt love him anymore, the love never came back. Then again, he was emotionally abusive and he was A Grade asshole.
2, for me if i were to end a relationship i'd totally cut contact. All forms of contact. But i know some people want to keep the friendship going so they wont.
3, i've never been in your situation.

Thing is, and i think we all fear it, sometimes being long distance just doesnt work out. Do you have solid plans on when you can close the distance? Four years in an LDR with no end in sight can take it's toll. From your post regarding the way she's been acting it sounds to me she still cares for you. Have you spoken about closing the distance? Or is it just this might/could happen? You cant push it if the other person just cant take the distance anymore. But maybe if there was an end date..that might help

[kteire]

I really don't want to sound negative, because I feel for you, and hope everything turns out the way you want... But I'm a bit sceptical. It sounds very similar to my sister's LDR to be honest. She and her SO were LD for over 4 years, and about 3 years in he wanted to break up because of the distance, and because he thought his feelings had changed. They worked it out, but he never really fell back in love... and so he pretended he did to spare her feelings. Needless to say, she was pretty crushed when it ended. So I'm slightly biased.

But yeah, people can fall out of love unfortunately easily, and there's absolutely no guarantee that those feelings can be redeveloped. If she's not thinking that she still feels the same way, it's probably not a good idea to keep going and hoping that she will love you the way she used to. It's not healthy for either of you, because you'll always be wondering if it's ok, and she'll be anxious about how she feels. Seeing each other at the end of the month will be an opportunity for the two of you to talk it out in person, and for her to figure out how she really feels, if she's up for that. I think that whatever decision you guys make, you absolutely need to stick to it. If she still doubts her feelings, cut off contact, because you'll never be able to figure things out if you're being strung along and hoping for a change. And that means she HAS to stop texting you and contacting you too. It honestly does sound like she's trying to move on by planning things without you, but is having a hard time doing it.

[Softy]

Sorry to hear things aren't goin very well, I really hope for you that everything will get fixed.

As for your questions:
1) Can a person who claims to have fallen out of love be brought back?
I think it's possible but it's not something that happens often. Also it depends of the 'whys' it person has fallen out of love.

2) If you were ending a relationship, would it become an argument/debate and a "to be continued..."? Would you not completely sever ties, especially because we're so far apart? Would you not publicly kick me to the curb?
If I end a relationship, i cut all ties. Why? By respect for myself and also for the other person. So both can heal and move on.

3) How have people successfully fixed up relationships with a similar situation?
I did it once, I was with some guy and things didn't go very well and I wasn't too sure if he was the one i needed anymore. So i left and we both dated somewhere else. 3 years later we saw each other on the street totally out of the blue and we decided to have a talk. We both were single again and we thought we would try again. I lasted 2 years and it was a really bad thing to do, he left me for a girl he met in a party.

BUT~! I've heard stories of ppl who got back together and it worked.

The thing is, you must talk and find out why she wants out.
Is it really only because of the distance? Or is there something more to it?

LDR is hard, very hard.
Personally now it's been 5 months i didn't see my SO and it's really difficult.
Some days i wake up crying and i think 'can we do this?'.
But I love him so much that I am willing to wait a bit more.

You said 4 years appart?
I'm not even sure I can last a full year.
So you guys went through a lot already!
Try to talk things out, if you both came this far, least you could do is try yes?
I hope you will be able to close the distance and feelings you had will still be there.

I really hope it works for you, truly : )

[Jazi]

everyone else has pretty much addressed your questions.. but I just wanted to say that sometimes you just gain too much history, and baggage, with a person - especially if there have been issues in the relationship or distance for so long.. the relationship becomes too hard and drags you down instead of makes you happy. Once you get to that point you can't just reverse it.. and the love fades/you can fall out of love.

It sounds to me like she has/had gotten to this stage.. In some ways I think it'd be healthier for you both to move onto something fresh and new, like I said.. sometimes the baggage is just too much and can never be undone. At least for your sake I think you need to call it what it is - you are holding onto the "hope" of a relationship now, there doesn't seem to be a healthy relationship left though. You can't force her to love you, and it sounds a little like you're trying to convince both of you that there is still hope.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, it's horrible to have someone fall out of love, just like that, and sometimes for no reason. I hope whichever way things go that it turns out well in the end

[Moon]

From my own experience, I'm sorry to say that once I lose my feelings for someone, they're gone for good. Twice I've tried really hard for it not to be that way, but sadly, that was it, there was nothing I could do.

I think you're going about this the wrong way though, she's using you a a sort of security blanket and toying with your emotions. She knows she doesn't want you back, yet she can still use you for comfort, support and combating boredom. You asked if she should kick you to the curb, but I say no, you should be kicking her to the curb, to be blunt. I realize you aren't at that stage yet though, and you and she will probably go a few more rounds until you've had enough it seems, but until you cut those ties, its a vicious circle that's very hard to break. These may not be the "positive" suggestions you asked for, and I'm sorry about that, but if you'll step back and consider what you'd tell a friend in the same situation, they are the right ones. Good luck.