My boyfriend found out for sure in January that he is deploying to Afghanistan in July. He's been divorced for over a year (the reason he's divorced is his ex-wife is also in the military and when she went away to boot camp she cheated on him) and in the last year we met, fell in love and thought we would start our life together. When he got the news of this deployment I think it hit him pretty hard. He has not deployed anywhere since joining the military 18 years ago. This would be his first deployment while in a relationship. I think bring his first deployment in a relationship, along with his fears of being cheated on again, coupled with the fact he is going to a war torn country weighed on his mind. In February, he decided to end the relationship. He told me he loves me and we would still be together if he wasn't deploying but that he can't go away with all the uncertainties he has. He has come back to see me twice since February. When we've gotten together, it's like old times. I can see how much he still loves and cares about me in the way he looks at me and touches me. He says he should go but he can't bring himself to leave. he retreats into his shell and ingnores everyone's attempt to contact him. I can't even begin to imagine what he is going through, not being in the military myself. I love him and wish his love was strong enough to hold on during his deployment. I feel like he ended it not because he wanted to but because he feels its the right thing to do. Any thoughts?
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My man was in the military for 6 years and had 2 years in Iraq (2 tours), i didnt know him then but i've asked him about his time during the military. He told me that for his first tour he had a gf but they grew apart (he wasnt sure whether she cheated but he never asked, he jsut accepted that it didnt work out). The second tour he did have a gf but he broke up with her. I asked him why, and he said he didnt feel it was fair to ask her to wait for a whole year, not knowing whether he'd come back.
I cant begin to imagine what it is like to be in that situation and i asked him wouldnt it have been better to know someone was waiting for him. He replied that in his battalion there was so much cheating going on, those in the military and those who were left behind that its hard to deal with when you're out there. For him even though he liked the girl alot, he didnt want to put her in that situation. Alot can happen in a year, he was uncertain whether she'd be ok. in my opinion he basically made the decision for her. I had a slight disagreement with him about it because i dont think it's fair that someone would do that. But i also understand why (well as much as i can, again im not in the military i wouldnt know)
Reading your post i have to agree, it sounds liek hes doing it because its the "right thing to do". All i can say is talk to him about it (which im sure you have).
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Thank you so much for your insight. I can certainly see relevance in much of what you say. I do think he worries about keeping me hanging on out of fear that his feelings might change while he is there. He said he worried not knowing how his deployment might affect him along with I guess the distance perhaps making us grow apart. I do believe he does care about me and is trying to spare my feelings. I've told him I'm not like his ex-wife and would never cheat on him, but he works in human resources and so he sees how many men go away and come back to divorces, or cheating wives and girlfriends and how distraught the men are, and I think that weighs on his mind. He's never had to deploy since he got out of full time military work (he's in the reserve), he was in a relationship for 7 years and was never away from his wife. This announcement of the deployment and being in a relationship with me threw him for a loop. He doesn't know what to expect gong away for a year and being apart from me. It's so frustrating because I feel like when you find the special kind of love like we had, you don't just give up on it because it doesn't come along every day. I did say to him at one point, wouldn't you rather have me at home loving you from afar versus not at all and he said yes, but I'm not sure now that he really meant it. I just don't want to give up n him and I believe in my heart he doesn't want me to either, but I think he's trying to be strong and put up a good front, pushing me away to make it easier for him to go away. He's to set to deploy at the beginning of July, so I'm hoping to see him before he goes. Any thoughts about trying to talk to him about this or do you think it might make things worse?Comment
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As i said i havent been in your situation, i really wouldnt know. My guy and i do talk these kinda things through and i said if he had met me would he have done the same? and he said he would. I know if i were in your shoes i would try and talk to him but if all else fails. I'd let him know that i will be waiting regardless. Well thats what i said to him and he said, the 2 other girls had never said that to him but hes never been with someone like me. Or has ever loved someone as much as he loves me. I'm not sure whether you can convince him but yeah..this is kinda why im glad he left the military. GL!
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Thanks, I was hoping he would leave the military. After this deployment, hopefully he'll come to his senses. But I also know the dedication and devotion it takes and to break that chain is gonna be tough. I hope he realizes what he gave up and I hope I have the chance to convince him. I appreciate your insight. It helps to get feedback from those with military experience because I think the stress and what they have t deal with is so different from the average person. I'm gld out are happy and have someone that appreciates you!Comment
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