I Feel A Break-up Coming

[FierceFoxie]

I have been putting alot of effort into reaching out to my SO lately. I have been calling him, texting him and complimenting him and although he responds to messages and calls me back, I still do everything first.

I told him I have noticed a change in the relationship. He said he has noticed it too.

He told me he is just tired of the distance. He was in a LDR for 2 years before me with another woman that lived in the same city as me.

I called him tonight to talk about the issues going on and basically his family arrived home just then so he couldn't talk in privacy anymore. He wants to talk face-to-face for when I arrive this weekend to visit him. This cannot be good. It's got to be the end.

[kirbycat]

I'm sorry to hear this. From what I've read of your posts recently, it sounds like you've been really trying hard to work things out. Whatever happens, I hope it's all for the best and that you both have peace with it.

[Jolien]

Stay positive. It might not even be what you think is gonna happen. Ofcourse he wants to talk in private before seeing you The moment you hear otherwise then feel sad. Thoughts are only thoughts.. They aren't reality. Only thinking too much about it will make it come real cause you're so focussing on it. Therefor you will start living like it and may attract stuff you dont want to happen. It also works with positive thinking.. Good stuff will happen cause you're focussing on it.(aka ignoring the bad things therefor you allready feel better) This is how I stay sane lately... Thinking positive is really allready halve the efford. Sorry for my english .

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

You've clearly put a lot of effort into making things work, so if worst comes to worst (and I'm crossing my fingers for you that it's something completely different), you know that you've tried your best.

If I were you, I'd try not to worry too much about what he may or may not want to talk about, and try to relax as much as possible. It hasn't happened yet, and giving yourself a week's worth of more stress isn't going to make things any easier or more pleasant for you.

We're all here to support you. I hope whatever happens, it's all for the best. *hugs*

[notyourexgirlfriend]

Stay positive. It might not even be what you think is gonna happen. Ofcourse he wants to talk in private before seeing you The moment you hear otherwise then feel sad. Thoughts are only thoughts.. They aren't reality. Only thinking too much about it will make it come real cause you're so focussing on it. Therefor you will start living like it and may attract stuff you dont want to happen. It also works with positive thinking.. Good stuff will happen cause you're focussing on it.(aka ignoring the bad things therefor you allready feel better) This is how I stay sane lately... Thinking positive is really allready halve the efford. Sorry for my english .

I see a lot of sense in this thought process. Wait and see what happens.

[FierceFoxie]

Stay positive. It might not even be what you think is gonna happen. Ofcourse he wants to talk in private before seeing you The moment you hear otherwise then feel sad. Thoughts are only thoughts.. They aren't reality. Only thinking too much about it will make it come real cause you're so focussing on it. Therefor you will start living like it and may attract stuff you dont want to happen. It also works with positive thinking.. Good stuff will happen cause you're focussing on it.(aka ignoring the bad things therefor you allready feel better) This is how I stay sane lately... Thinking positive is really allready halve the efford. Sorry for my english .

You are right Jolien! I know if I come off all mopy and depressed, he will feed off that energy and distance himself further or decide for sure he doesn't want to be with me.

You've clearly put a lot of effort into making things work, so if worst comes to worst (and I'm crossing my fingers for you that it's something completely different), you know that you've tried your best.

If I were you, I'd try not to worry too much about what he may or may not want to talk about, and try to relax as much as possible. It hasn't happened yet, and giving yourself a week's worth of more stress isn't going to make things any easier or more pleasant for you.

We're all here to support you. I hope whatever happens, it's all for the best. *hugs*

Yea, a week worth of stress won't be good at all for me. I over-think all the time too!

I just don't know if I want to see him face-to-face, even if I feel I might be owed that. I am not 100% convinced he wants to end the relationship but he's either on the fence about it or is just looking for me to do it so he's not the bad guy.

He is also the type to try and sweep things under the rug. he may not even bring it up when I first arrive but obviously I will be anticipating it all week.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Yea, a week worth of stress won't be good at all for me. I over-think all the time too!

I just don't know if I want to see him face-to-face, even if I feel I might be owed that. I am not 100% convinced he wants to end the relationship but he's either on the fence about it or is just looking for me to do it so he's not the bad guy.

He is also the type to try and sweep things under the rug. he may not even bring it up when I first arrive but obviously I will be anticipating it all week.

Not meaning to push your anxiety on this one, but actually, if he's going to make the effort to do it all face-to-face, it shows he respects you and thinks you deserve a full explanation. It's hardly like he can say "Ok, we're done", and NOT talk to you about it if you're there. It gives you guys an opportunity to talk through your issues properly. I don't know about everyone else, but I find that emails and phone calls and texting rarely solve problems properly, and talking them through in person is much more productive and difinitive. Think about the amount of people here who have broken up via some form of communication, and are still keen to go and see their (ex) SO to talk things through. If his plan IS to break up with you (and I'm not 100% convinced it is), he's manning up about it.

[FierceFoxie]

Not meaning to push your anxiety on this one, but actually, if he's going to make the effort to do it all face-to-face, it shows he respects you and thinks you deserve a full explanation. It's hardly like he can say "Ok, we're done", and NOT talk to you about it if you're there. It gives you guys an opportunity to talk through your issues properly. I don't know about everyone else, but I find that emails and phone calls and texting rarely solve problems properly, and talking them through in person is much more productive and difinitive. Think about the amount of people here who have broken up via some form of communication, and are still keen to go and see their (ex) SO to talk things through. If his plan IS to break up with you (and I'm not 100% convinced it is), he's manning up about it.

Very good points. You make me feel a little better.

I called my mom crying and she said "maybe he really just wants to talk it out". He isn't really good at expressing himself or telling me when there is some sort of issue until I ask him about it. So maybe he just needs some time to think about what he wants to do. To continue knowing the path is not straight or to end it.

[marbear31]

Yeah, it definitely sounds to me like he wants to talk things out. I haven't seen many of your recent posts about relationship stuff (finals will do that to you! :P), but I think this could go either way. My SO began distancing himself gradually the weeks before I was supposed to leave Ireland to go back to America after studying abroad (didn't know if he could do an LDR), but he told me after that he was just contemplating how best to express himself. Although he wanted to break up with me initially, once we talked things out (okay, it was more of a me holding everything in till the last moment and then crying and then him realizing he couldn't live without me moment :P), it was easier to handle.

I know EXACTLY what you're going through (it's like a suspended reality, yes?), and my best advice is to simply be. Take this time to explore your own heart, and what you really want. I think every relationship can benefit from reorientation, so just relax, like the other posters have said, and take this time to be you. I learned a lot about myself in those few days, and even though I felt like I was constantly on edge, and wouldn't go through it again (by choice), make the most of your opportunity.

Also, Pat Benatar is fantastic during times like these. Invincible, Le Bel Age, All Fired Up--those were my anthems!

I'm here if you need to chat, so feel free to PM me. Much love to you, sweetheart, and you will get through this. Just concentrate on being the girl he fell in love with, and don't worry (as much as it's possible :P). You can do it.

[lonelyinlove]

It looks like you guys need to start considering the idea of closing the distance. But a time/date on when this madness will end has always helped us when things get rough...

Other than that, you can't make someone stay that doesn't want to or isn't trying.....

[FierceFoxie]

Yeah, it definitely sounds to me like he wants to talk things out. I haven't seen many of your recent posts about relationship stuff (finals will do that to you! :P), but I think this could go either way. My SO began distancing himself gradually the weeks before I was supposed to leave Ireland to go back to America after studying abroad (didn't know if he could do an LDR), but he told me after that he was just contemplating how best to express himself. Although he wanted to break up with me initially, once we talked things out (okay, it was more of a me holding everything in till the last moment and then crying and then him realizing he couldn't live without me moment :P), it was easier to handle.

I know EXACTLY what you're going through (it's like a suspended reality, yes?), and my best advice is to simply be. Take this time to explore your own heart, and what you really want. I think every relationship can benefit from reorientation, so just relax, like the other posters have said, and take this time to be you. I learned a lot about myself in those few days, and even though I felt like I was constantly on edge, and wouldn't go through it again (by choice), make the most of your opportunity.

Also, Pat Benatar is fantastic during times like these. Invincible, Le Bel Age, All Fired Up--those were my anthems!

I'm here if you need to chat, so feel free to PM me. Much love to you, sweetheart, and you will get through this. Just concentrate on being the girl he fell in love with, and don't worry (as much as it's possible :P). You can do it.

I sent you a PM.

[Darth_Taco]

You know, this reminds me of a recent episode of Mad Men when Peggy thought her boyfriend was gonna dump her and went to Joan for advice. Joan said that if a guy is really interested in breaking-up, he's not gonna waste any time in doing it. She has a point, and it can be translated in this situation. If he's really going to end the relationship, why during a visit? Can you imagine how awkward it would be for you to be there post break-up? If he's gonna end it, he's likely to do it in a way where no one ends up with a shitty vacation afterwards XP.

The second thing Joan said was that if a guy's gonna go through so much effort to talk, it's likely good news. In that case, she said that Peggy's boyfriend Abraham was likely proposing :P. I don't care if I'm ruining shit for people who haven't seen the show, just go watch the damn show! D:< Ok, back to the point. Now, I'm not saying that's the exact case for you, it's not the 60's anymore XP. What I am saying is that you shouldn't count this relationship out yet. No one goes through so much effort for a break-up. Plenty definitely go through this much to deal with problems in it though. By the way, Abraham didn't propose. He asked her to move in together and then Roger got a blowjob from Don's mother-in-law :P. It was a good episode.

[FierceFoxie]

You know, this reminds me of a recent episode of Mad Men when Peggy thought her boyfriend was gonna dump her and went to Joan for advice. Joan said that if a guy is really interested in breaking-up, he's not gonna waste any time in doing it. She has a point, and it can be translated in this situation. If he's really going to end the relationship, why during a visit? Can you imagine how awkward it would be for you to be there post break-up? If he's gonna end it, he's likely to do it in a way where no one ends up with a shitty vacation afterwards XP.

The second thing Joan said was that if a guy's gonna go through so much effort to talk, it's likely good news. In that case, she said that Peggy's boyfriend Abraham was likely proposing :P. I don't care if I'm ruining shit for people who haven't seen the show, just go watch the damn show! D:< Ok, back to the point. Now, I'm not saying that's the exact case for you, it's not the 60's anymore XP. What I am saying is that you shouldn't count this relationship out yet. No one goes through so much effort for a break-up. Plenty definitely go through this much to deal with problems in it though. By the way, Abraham didn't propose. He asked her to move in together and then Roger got a blowjob from Don's mother-in-law :P. It was a good episode.

hahaha! Yea, thanks for that analogy. Today I haven't really felt like it's over and I don't think he would bother having me still come to his parents place (mind you) to dump me. I think he probably would have just done so over the phone last night. He could have just took the 10 minutes to step outside and say he's not in love with me anymore...blah blah blah!

[TwoThree]

You know, this reminds me of a recent episode of Mad Men when Peggy thought her boyfriend was gonna dump her and went to Joan for advice. Joan said that if a guy is really interested in breaking-up, he's not gonna waste any time in doing it. She has a point, and it can be translated in this situation. If he's really going to end the relationship, why during a visit? Can you imagine how awkward it would be for you to be there post break-up? If he's gonna end it, he's likely to do it in a way where no one ends up with a shitty vacation afterwards XP.

The second thing Joan said was that if a guy's gonna go through so much effort to talk, it's likely good news. In that case, she said that Peggy's boyfriend Abraham was likely proposing :P. I don't care if I'm ruining shit for people who haven't seen the show, just go watch the damn show! D:< Ok, back to the point. Now, I'm not saying that's the exact case for you, it's not the 60's anymore XP. What I am saying is that you shouldn't count this relationship out yet. No one goes through so much effort for a break-up. Plenty definitely go through this much to deal with problems in it though. By the way, Abraham didn't propose. He asked her to move in together and then Roger got a blowjob from Don's mother-in-law :P. It was a good episode.

Bloody brilliant episode, yeah.

---------- Post added at 11:32 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:29 AM ----------

FierceFoxie, you are seeing him in a week's time, right?

Speaking strictly for myself, I'm not one who can endure waiting like that, especially since I tend to be pessimistic and always imagine the worse. So while I commend you for wanting to stay positive, and while I agree that it's likely that he just want to talk things out... why not just ask him "are you thinking of breaking up?". It's what I would do anyway. At least if he says no, you'd know not to worry about that too much.

Just my two cents.

[FierceFoxie]

Bloody brilliant episode, yeah.

---------- Post added at 11:32 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:29 AM ----------

FierceFoxie, you are seeing him in a week's time, right?

Speaking strictly for myself, I'm not one who can endure waiting like that, especially since I tend to be pessimistic and always imagine the worse. So while I commend you for wanting to stay positive, and while I agree that it's likely that he just want to talk things out... why not just ask him "are you thinking of breaking up?". It's what I would do anyway. At least if he says no, you'd know not to worry about that too much.

Just my two cents.

Trust me, I am wanting so badly to have get a straight answer from him.

Yesterday's communication was nearly non-existant. I said Good morning and he responded with a good morning "How'd you sleep?" and that was it all day!!! I am flipping out on the inside but trying to back off and give him space.