I need to get all of this off my chest. Anger / Family.

[CandiCandi]

Okay, so I don't know why but ever since I got with my fiancé, my family with the exception of one person has been extremely supportive. Normally, they do not trust my dating choices, this is different. All that being said, my fiancé's side is an extremely different story. Now, here's where it starts to really bother me: The way his brother and his brother girlfriend treat him, in general, here lately.

He moved in with them about June of last year. He was slowly transitioning out of his life with the mother of his children and needed to get on his feet. His brother offered him a place. Good enough. It went well for a few months. But here lately, this is where it's been just at a crossfire, I feel like.

I don't know if they're being rough around the edges so that it will make him want to move out faster (which we're already ahead of schedule on getting a place, it will probably be in the next few weeks) or they are just, in general, this rude. He's told me it's the second.

Now, here's where my problem is and this is just TODAY...my fiancé made this post on Facebook yesterday that was basically talking about the month of May and all he did, like trying to quit smoking, loving me, spending quality time with his brother, missing his boys, and eating a lot (because you know when you try to quit smoking, your appetite goes up).

He's extremely self-conscious about his weight and we talk about it a lot. He thinks he's too skinny. I personally do not. He's not a bodybuilder, by any means, but I don't like bodybuilder types, anyway. I have seen pictures of people way thinner than he is. I have also felt my fiancé's embrace which is pretty strong. All that being said, his brother's comment on this post was "Eat, you're skin and bones." which kind of angered me. Especially, when I know my fiancé's self esteem about it is insanely low. You never know how much a comment like that can affect someone's life. He had also said something in front of my fiancé's son during the holidays like "Who do you think is stronger? Your dad or me?" and my fiancé admitted that it was bothering him. What's funny is I have been around his brother and he's about the same weight as my fiancé.

It just sucks that someone I really care about constantly talks about how much he loves his brother and his brother treats him like the dirt under his feet. I just made this long post about all the things that have been said and done since, but decided to erase that part. This is what's angering me -just today-. There's so much more that's been said. I wanted to comment and say something. So fucking bad.

I don't even get to talk to my brother, I have a stepsister that's dead that I never got to meet, two sisters that I also don't speak to, one that is in California constantly in trouble (and I mean big trouble, this isn't bad grades here and there. Like I'm afraid she's gonna die trouble), and two that live in Mexico so I can't see them either. This kid doesn't get how lucky he is that he has a brother that has his back, that cleans up house even when it's not his mess, that offers to help do house projects when it isn't his house nor is he wanted there, that constantly talks about how he is the one that "gets him". That's the funny thing though. His brother doesn't get it. If he did, that comment wouldn't have been made today...

When I move, we've all agreed to give each other a second chance, because his brother and brother's girlfriend aren't very fond of me right now, for very irrational reasons (even my fiancé called them irrational) such as "she looks young and acts young." Keep in mind, his brother got pulled away from a table at dinner by his girlfriend because he was being rude to the waitress. This is what children do. I refuse to apologize for genetics, though. Thank you for the compliment. His brother admitted once my fiancé got defensive of me that he hadn't given me enough time to make a judgment. That's about the only thing I can think of that made up for it.

But this. Right here. Today. I know my fiancé well enough to know that's hitting him below the belt. I know it would be nice and mean a lot to him if his brother would just say "I enjoy the quality time I spent with you too, bro." Just a few days ago, my fiancé told me he had this strong gut feeling he was gonna die so he made a note of it to tell his brother he loved him. Just in case. Of course, he didn't die, but you know what I mean. He cared enough to tell his brother "I love you" if he did. His brother just constantly makes remarks about our relationship, his money situation (they have more money than us and are realllly cocky about it), his weight. Basically, everything that hits my fiancé below the belt. I just wish his brother was appreciative of him as he is of his brother. I do not HATE his brother. Let's make that clear. I just wish he'd treat my fiancé better.

I've told my grandma about this and my fiancé has basically repeated her. His brother and his brother's girlfriend are naive in life. They think they aren't, but they are. My fiancé had children, it made him have to grow up fast. I had to raise myself and have been through quite a bit life wise, so I also had to grow up fast. This is stuff they haven't had to go through so they can't learn yet. Also, unfortunately, we can't give them those life experiences.

Anyway, I guess I am not really asking for advice, but need to get this off my chest. I hate how people don't get how their remarks affect people and I'm just getting defensive of my fiancé when I know that's gonna make him feel like shit when he gets home and sees that on his post. His Aunt was giving him tips on how to quit smoking though, so there is that...

[ChibiFelicia]

i dont know the full story but really if my brother and or sister said those things to me i wouldnt bat an eyelid. Ive always been worried about my weight (im more the im too fat end of the spectrum). Is his brother older? Honestly it's kind of normal to be getting crap from your siblings but if it's really bothering him that much can he not talk to his brother? If his brother has always been like that to him and your fiance has never said anything about it, im guessing the brother assumes thats how their relationship is. My brother used to be a total jackass to me, he just kept knocking me down everytime and yeah it got to me. In the end i jsut told him hes making me feel like crap and i stood up for myself. Afterwhile it changed. Btw i wouldnt recommend you say anything because some battles he needs to fight for himself. Since it's between him and his brother you really shouldnt come between that.

Well im sure you're holding back on the situation so from your post thats my feelings.

[CandiCandi]

My fiancé agrees that he is rude and he feels insulted. He feels like he can't stand up for himself, because although we are moving together soon, they are his temporary shelter until I am up there. He doesn't want to live on the streets, so he stifles himself. His only other option is his ex-girlfriend/mother of his kids which he does not want (nor do I, it will be the end of us the day this happens). She basically wants a babysitter, because all the gross things kids do she can't handle on her own. She wants a babysitter so she can go out and get drunk. They fight, he's called the cops on this woman before and hey, guess what? His brother wants him to live with her, too! I would never suggest my brother live with someone who made him that miserable. NEVER. This is a woman who called their five year old an "asshole" repeatedly, apparently a few weeks ago and yet, his brother still feels like she's a more reasonable option. He has told him, "You're never gonna make it on your own, Candi getting a job here is unrealistic, so you might as well go live with her." He doesn't get that his ex-girlfriend will make him quit the job he has, too or that if he goes to live with her, in five minutes, it's gonna be a call back to his brother's or to one of his friends or to the Salvation Army because they fight so much. He's not gonna have a future if someone is telling him you can't have a job. He's told me she's already made him quit two or three jobs in the past.

However, here lately, he actually has gotten more defensive of himself. For example, them talking about me didn't go over well for them. They also told him not to buy groceries, which is ridiculous, considering he has two kids that come over. They were acting like -eating- was an expense that he was throwing money away on. Yet, at the same time, his brother just told him he isn't eating enough. Anyway, when they told him not to buy groceries, he got defensive as well. He said, "You don't expect me to survive on the three meals a week you cook, right?" (yet his brother's comment about his weight was made). Again, also, the kids...

I told him I hope they know once he moves out, he is no longer under their control (I don't think they do). You see, for a brief period of time, he moved out with his friend too and they weren't even happy that he did that, and asked him to come back. Guess why? So, as a couple, that they'd fight less. That didn't happen. His brother's girlfriend slams things, throws things, and will constantly find an excuse to be unhappy. Because my fiancé is there, he gets caught in the middle and gets the blame. When he moves out, I feel like they're going to learn - hardcore - that he was never the problem in their relationship. Keep in mind, they fought even when he was living with his friend.

They are a mess and he admits that they are. When his brother was fed up with his girlfriend, he asked if he could come live with us. I said yes, I'm not accustomed to leaving family out and my SO told him that he could come live with us and he got snotty and basically said that even if we signed a lease, it would be more like we're living with him (because he's just soooo much richer than we are, right? I want to say "Please show me your mansion you live in" sometimes, but I don't. I keep my mouth shut because I don't want my fiancé on the streets). Even so, I am still not going to leave his brother out in the cold when I feel the way I do personally about family, but we have long since agreed that if he starts getting snotty like that if he decides to leave his girlfriend and live with us, we're going to have problems. He agreed. He's also gotten a job, which they asked of him, they told him if he got one they'd give him rides, and then turned around and said that was basically over with. He has been walking to work every day. Then, they told him that he needs to get two jobs instead of just the one. See, his brother's girlfriend looks down on ANYONE who doesn't work two jobs, including guess who? Her own boyfriend/his brother. But my fiancé laid down the law on it.

He told him, I am walking to and from work every day for an hour because it's not on the bus route. I would have to work the second jobs hours around this one's and they are already very complicated hours. His brother basically told him there were ways around that. Then my SO brought up how this ONE job is already interfering with him being able to see his kids. He hasn't seem them in two weeks because of the job as it is! His brother finally let go of the situation once the kids were brought up.

I am absolutely not saying anything. I want to, but I am not getting involved. However, I did make this huge post on my own wall explaining how lucky some people are (it was indirect) that they have their siblings in their life and then deleted it. It was long and there's no way his brother would have known it was directed at him. It was just meant to make him and other people think. I basically am taking the 'kill 'em with kindness' route on this one. I don't think his brother understands a lot of things and that's frustrating. His brother is the same age as me and yet, he seems like he's still about sixteen years of age. He has basically admitted he feels insulted and hurt by the way they have treated him and things they have said, but he doesn't love his brother any less.

Like I said, I just wish they would treat him better. He deserves to NOT be treated like the dirt under their feet and neither do I. I am more defensive than he is typically. The thing is, when I move up there, I am willing to do the second chance thing and I told him I want to get along with his brother, because I know what his brother means to him, but on the other hand, that we all need to be on the same page. Anyway, this is not a "just a way they communicate" thing. This is straight up talking down to him. This is stuff that is actually hurting him and I don't like that :\ I just hope they know once we get a place, like I said, he is no longer under their "control".

[ChibiFelicia]

: ( ok hmm he sounds like a douche but anyway. Kinda gathered there was more to the story. I had to skim it im pushed for time so apologies there.
I can see why you eneded to vent hehe. but yeah your fiance deserves better. Im sure that when his brother matures a bit they'll get along but right now it's a good thing he'll be moving out soon. as you said he wont be under their control anymore. I commend you for not getting into the middle of it. Just support him as much as you can and i agree giving them a chance is probably the best way to go. Family will always be family no matter how douchey they get...i have some reservations there some lines should not be crossed.

[CandiCandi]

: ( ok hmm he sounds like a douche but anyway. Kinda gathered there was more to the story. I had to skim it im pushed for time so apologies there.
I can see why you eneded to vent hehe. but yeah your fiance deserves better. Im sure that when his brother matures a bit they'll get along but right now it's a good thing he'll be moving out soon. as you said he wont be under their control anymore. I commend you for not getting into the middle of it. Just support him as much as you can and i agree giving them a chance is probably the best way to go. Family will always be family no matter how douchey they get...i have some reservations there some lines should not be crossed.

That's okay and I agree. I think second chances are important. It's the one redeeming thing his brother did after my fiancé stood up for me. His brother was talking about how he didn't really like me from the one dinner we had together and my fiancé said, "I'd rather have her over any woman in the world. She doesn't slam things. She doesn't get angry and then not tell me what it is that is upsetting her and when something does upset her, it usually isn't something small." and then he basically said that my fiancé was right, that he didn't really have enough time to judge me.

I agree with you. That's what my grandma and even my fiancé and I keep saying. His brother and his brother's girlfriend are going to need a big event or more life experience in general to get them to appreciate things in their life. They lack it right now because they haven't had the life experience both of us have. I also agree that family is always going to be family. Like I said, I'm even still willing to give this kid a place to stay even though I think he's being rude, if he wants to leave his girlfriend, because I just can't. My morals wont allow me to leave a family member out in the cold like that. Even though, he's not my brother. I still believe in being kind. I think their relationship MIGHT change when we get our place. My only reservation is that they don't start this, "We're fighting, we fought less when he was here, he needs to come back" bullshit (it's not true, they fight the same amount both ways - if you need a third party to make your relationship seem stable, you need to reevaluate your relationship), because it ain't happenin' this time!

Especially, since they've made it quite apparent they do not want him to live there, it would not make sense for that shit to start. Then again, it didn't make sense last time and THEY don't make sense.


ETA: When my trip to Wisconsin was booked, his brother also made a snide comment, "She's not staying here." and my fiancé was actually surprised he had said it. He was like, "What are you talking about? We have a hotel booked for a week." It's like, really? Are you serious? You think I'd want to stay with someone with their attitude? No, thank you!

[ChibiFelicia]

ETA: When my trip to Wisconsin was booked, his brother also made a snide comment, "She's not staying here." and my fiancé was actually surprised he had said it. He was like, "What are you talking about? We have a hotel booked for a week." It's like, really? Are you serious? You think I'd want to stay with someone with their attitude? No, thank you!

i lol'd. I'd have said the rest of that sentance to him hehe.