Convincing Boyfriend To Quit Smoking?

[Secrecy]

So, here comes a rather touchy subject, to all those who smoke out there and don't... I know this isn't exactly long-distance related, but I figure I'm here, so why not?

Any who have been following me know I just recently got back from my first meeting with my boyfriend, and it went extremely well. I couldn't have been happier while I was there, but I did come to a conclusion of something - possibly the one thing - I would like him to change and work on, before if, and when, we get situated together... And that is his smoking habits. I know, it's his body and his decision, but when it affects my health, I feel that I should eventually have some say too.

A little back story here: Back around when I was seventeen, I was diagnosed with a lung condition known as pulmonary fibrosis, which is essentially honeycombing of the lungs. The porous tissue eventually closes and scars over, making transfer of oxygen into the bloodstream a bit more difficult. While I am no longer suffering actively from PF, it has affected how well I tolerate such irritants like smoke and cleansers, etc etc. It tends to trigger my asthma and at worst, make me go into a full-blown asthma attack, or at best, make me wheezy and uncomfortable. Because of this, my boyfriend (or anyone for that matter) absolutely cannot smoke around me, and what's worse is even when he's being super kind and considerate in smoking outside... The moment he comes back into the room, the third-hand smoke on his clothes and the like is still enough to make me react. I remember when he would come in from having a cigarette, and I would cuddle up to him, smelling the smoke and instantly I would begin to get a bit wheezy. It's not enough to set of any sort of attack, or anything serious, but still... It's enough to be uncomfortable.

He knows of this, and he's not denying that it's not good. That being said though, because we are not together, I have not really brought up, or pushed the subject of him quitting smoking. It's not that I love him any less for it, and if I could tolerate it better, I probably wouldn't be so concerned over the issue... But I'm just not sure how I should go about trying to convince my boyfriend, gently, to quit smoking? I wish I could ignore it, but for both of our health's sakes, I just can't. If we plan to have a life together, I don't know how long I could handle being consistently wheezy, and having to take an inhaler or medicine or something just because he's sitting next to me and his clothes smell like smoke.

I would really love advice about this; especially from people who smoke themselves! How would you want to be approached about this subject, especially if the other person had a condition like mine?

[sewbama]

I don't smoke. In fact, I'm a lot more like you. I have a couple medical issues that make being around smoke uncomfortable to impossible. Because of that, I don't date people that smoke. So I've never gotten to this point with anyone. Also, it is absolutely your place to bring this up. If you guys are serious, it is your business. Especially considering the lingering effects of your medical issues.

But I would tell you to tell him all this. Tell him how hard it is for you to want to be close to him, but when he's smoked, it is painful. You just have to tell him. And if he already knows, and still smokes, tell him firmly... Tell him you'll support him in his effort to quit. But this is one issue where the compromise is all him. That sucks, but it's how it is. It's also important for his health and finances.

[notyourexgirlfriend]

You can make suggestions and encourage him but the person who needs to ultimately make the decision to quit is him. From my experience (ex smoker - I gave up almost 5 1/2 years ago) I had to be determined enough to do it. Ultimatums from other people just made me resentful. It took me a few goes but ultimately I had to be steadfast in my ability to quit. Try and be as loving and supportive as possible. An honest discussion with him about it wouldn't go astray though I'm pretty sure you've raised the reasoning with him already. Best of luck.

[Soyokaze]

Unfortunately it's super hard to quit smoking if you're doing it for someone else and much easier when you are doing it because you truly want to quit yourself. I'm saying this as an ex-smoker myself who is living in a house full of people who smoke. Regardless, I think it's always best to just be honest with him about it. If it's hurting you that might be enough to push him on to quit. I know that when my SO asked me to quit and encouraged me along the way it was really helpful. He was super blunt about it.

Edit for clarification: It wasn't an order or an ultimatum, never ever give those. It never goes well.

[sewbama]

I just want to add ultimatums are a bad idea. If I'm ever given one, I just go the opposite way. That is the absolute worst way to get me to do something. So try to avoid that. But do tell(remind) him about your problems with being around smoke and that smoking outside, while sweet, didn't really help much.

[Darth_Taco]

I'm no smoker, but I'm a recovering drug addict :'D. Enrique basically told me that he wasn't going to stick around and watch me get high and kill myself. My situation is very different from yours though, your boyfriend's never gonna have to resort to sucking dick for a cigarette :P. I'm not saying I did that, by the way >.>...<.<...>.>...

Anyway, I think the best way to approach this is by being blunt. Remind him of what happened everytime he came back in from a smoke and remind him of your condition. Tell him it's easier for him to quit smoking now rather than later with the deadline of you two being together looming. Don't forget that there's nothing wrong or selfish about making certain demands of a partner when it comes to your health. If he refuses, that's a pretty big red flag @_@.

[Sora1101]

Tell your SO that while it usually wouldn't be an issue that he smokes but when you are around him it seriously makes it hard for you to be comfortable even though he isn't smoking directly in front of you, after awhile smokers tend to forget how strong the smell is to others because they're so used to it, he's probably not aware that third hand smoke is enough to bother you. And depending on how much your SO smokes he could smoke while you guys are long distance and slowly start weaning himself off so that by the time that you meet again it will be reduced to almost if not nothing, if he is unwilling or unable to quit for whatever reasons and you decide that it's not a total dealbreaker have him change clothes after smoking and use a washcloth to wipe his face/neck/hands down.

[ChibiFelicia]

I'd agree not giving an ultimatium it could go the opposite way. Remind him of your problems with it and i'd agree if he doesnt make compromises thats a red flag. If he chooses to quit himself then lots of support, and if he relapses dont let him get down about it. I've been trying to quit...for a while now and i keep screwing up here and there - prob isnt best idea that my friends are smokers.

[Off2Spain]

I myself am very anti smoking (I guess its from studying medicine) and I know many facts. I personally would not date a smoker, living with a smoker reduces your own life by aproximately 5 years. Seeing that you are not officially together it is hard to demand somebody to stop smoking. However I see it as a obligation to stop smoking. I would never ever want to be responsible for anybodys healthproblems let alone reduced life years.
Just talk to him about it, explain your condition and put all the facts out there. If he loves you and wants to be with you he would stop, because he wouldnt want to risk your health. However it is an addiction, and it isn't to be taken lightly, so It might take him lots of time to quit smoking.
Good luck girl!

[Romeo s Juliet]

hmm a bit of a tough thing, cause i believe in not changing anything about my partner, cause i think its gonna create resentment later. but in your case i think you can let him know clearly that you dont want to stop or put rules on him to make him stop smoking, and you can tell him openly about how you dislike him smoking when he is near you. let him know you dnt want to change his habit but that it is creating alot of discomfort to you.

[Michia]

Many smokers feel like they are being personally attacked when you bring up their bad habit. My family members, co-workers, friends all told me to quit smoking - that it would kill me one day. I knew both of my grandparents died from lung cancer. I even had a friend send me a picture of her dying aunt, bald with lung cancer on her death bed, ask me if it was worth it. Nothing clicked with me, I didn't "want" to quit. Then, TJ and I met in person for the first time, and I saw how he reacted to seeing me smoke. I hated him disliking anything about me! Eventually, once we became more serious about our relationship, he asked me to quit. He didn't give me an ultimatum, or make me feel guilty for sucking carcinogens into my lungs, he simply asked, "Would you consider quitting smoking?"

Anyone who says they can't quit for someone, isn't trying hard enough. I smoked for twelve years and was able to put them down. Of course I quit for all the other reasons as well, including my health...but ultimately I quit because he asked me to. I tried a few different methods over the past year, and I was finally able to quit in January by switching to an electronic cigarette.

Like all the others here have stated, just talk to him. Explain your medical situation, and ask him to quit.

**Just a side-note, for anyone interested**
I quit smoking last summer for four months by wearing nicotine patches. Yes, I did the step-down method, and I still picked them back up. I tried the disposable e-cigs from the gas stations, they were horrible. I just threw them away and bought more packs of cigarettes. Finally, I had a friend at work show me the e-cigarette she bought online. It was a more expensive brand, with rechargeable batteries, and flavored cartridges. Even though I couldn't afford the starter kit, I bought it anyway....hoping it would work. I was pretty desperate to quit at this point. As soon as it came in the mail, and tried it, I knew it would work. I haven't smoked a real cigarette since January, and I have NO desire for one. Yes, I'm still addicted to nicotine, but screw it...I'm addicted to caffeine too.

[Caitlin2009]

I have asthma as well so when Denise goes for a smoke, she wont do it next to me she'll do it on the other side of the room because she knows she doesnt want me to get a coughing fit, but when she comes back over to me she actually does not smell like smoke which is interesting. for major health reasons you need to tell him to quit or you just cant be with him, normally that wouldnt matter to me but your situation is different then mine and you have worse asthma then i do so unforchuntly its either him quitting fully or not being with him at all

[lucybelle]

My SO quit smoking for me. I never had to tell him to, he just did on his own. Smoking cigarettes is a deal breaker for me, and he knew that. I don't want him dying at 55 because of heart failure!

I wouldn't give him an ultimatum, but just say it forwardly: "I'd really like you to stop smoking not only for my health, but for yours" Support him and do research so you both know what he might go through. Find different methods for quitting, see if there are support groups in his area. Help him quit. It really is for the best.

[Secrecy]

Thank you all so much for all the kind words. <3 It's a touchy thing, I know, but it's something that eventually needs to be done. Like I said, I know, considering his current moment in life, that he's taking me into consideration by smoking outside, and even smoking far away from any entrance on the off chance that I might take a step outside for some reason. And I would never ever give an ultimatum to him; I don't believe in the whole 'it's this or else' treatment, especially when I can tell he is being considerate of me. I probably should have brought it up when I was with him, but seeing as it was our first time together in person, I didn't really want to put a damper on the time I was there by essentially saying: "Hey, you stink and it's making me feel uncomfortable. Cut it out!" (Just in nicer words obviously, hah hah. It's just how it feels like I must sound. xD)

Like I said, he knows that I'd like him to quit smoking, but I just haven't really pushed the subject yet. I'm giving us a bit more time together, and a bit more 'learning' with one another before I do. I even told him I'd be gentle with him up front, but I'd have to eventually get kind of tough on him. I wouldn't ever leave him for trying and failing though; we're all human, and we all need a little support. So long as I see he's putting in the effort, it's good enough for me.

[Kerry]

before I met my SO in person last year I had known that he was a smoker. he also knew how I felt about smoking. we both knew that we wanted to be together and get married so he quit smoking. at the time he told me that it wasn't that big of a deal for him since he'd do anything to be with me and that he was planning on quitting anyways. luckily he wasn't a heavy smoker.

stick to your guns. smokers can't be around you so demand that your bf join that club. on the plus side he'll live longer.