Relationship Question!

[katylynnlee]

Thanks, Eclaire! You're always so logical too.

I agree completely. I guess I am in a position where I believe I can change and improve myself while in a relationship. Sadly, a few of my friends are in relationships that are great for them, but they are too depressed or self-conscious that it's destroying their relationship. You can't really tell them otherwise though, until they decide to make changes for themselves. That's kind of what happened to me. I realize that most of the flaws in my relationship were due to my lack of self esteem, and that I really can't blame every argument I get in on my SO. I'm just really glad I identified that my self esteem does effect my relationship if I don't start working towards fixing it.

I'm also a firm believer that you should want to change for yourself, not other people. I think that being more confident in myself will make my relationship stronger. When I first started dating my SO, you go through a sort of "wooing" phase where you want to look like the BEST person possible to them, and eventually you start getting lazy and you rip a fart here or say something ridiculous there. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but I also want to be able to embrace that I am that really awesome person in the beginning too and that my SO loves me for a reason. I want to know those reasons for myself, I guess and believe them.

[BlueCat]

The way I see it, no matter who you are, you are going to be questioning some part of your life. In my opinion, there will never be a point when you will be perfectly happy with every aspect of your own life. The thing of it is, for many people, a lot of those doubts of normal and not major. I think if you have significant self-esteem problems that yes it could certainly negatively impact a relationship. But self doubts are natural, as long as they're not overwhelming you. Your significant other is not there for the purpose of making you feel better about yourself, but they should still make you feel better, if they didn't, there almost wouldn't be a point. But you shouldn't be constantly seeking praise from your SO.

[Jazi]

I like this quote: "By loving me, you are teaching me how to love myself." I find this relevant in my own relationship. From the small things like the fact that I've never been too fond of my nose (nothing particularly wrong with it, just never thought of it as one of my best features) but my SO apparently adores it so... I'm learning to look at things in a different light He is the eternal optimist and I am a realist... a.k.a pessimist :P So he's teaching me how to look on the bright side of life as well just by being his natural sunny self.
I think in any good relationship you learn things from one another and those may very well be things that help to build up one's self esteem etc. People like to call their spouses their "better half", right? So to me that implies a sense of completion attained by being with that person. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic but I think we're all human and as the imperfect beings we are we can never be fully at peace with every single piece of our identities or lives or whatever. If we wait for that epiphany to occur before entering a relationship then some people might never get to experience the joys of being loved by someone and loving them in return...

The way I see it, no matter who you are, you are going to be questioning some part of your life. In my opinion, there will never be a point when you will be perfectly happy with every aspect of your own life. The thing of it is, for many people, a lot of those doubts of normal and not major. I think if you have significant self-esteem problems that yes it could certainly negatively impact a relationship. But self doubts are natural, as long as they're not overwhelming you. Your significant other is not there for the purpose of making you feel better about yourself, but they should still make you feel better, if they didn't, there almost wouldn't be a point. But you shouldn't be constantly seeking praise from your SO.

I totally agree with both of these posts.

It'd be like chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow to be COMPLETELY confident and have 'found yourself' before being in a relationship. Some days I am rocking it with my confidence, other days definitely not.. kind of like the quote-'happiness is a state of mind, not a destination'. I think you should have some kind of stability in your mental state though, going into a relationship whilst suffering depression wouldn't be advised.

I feel like too many people in the world want to have life all figured out before it is lived, all we really need to do is take life moment by moment and enjoy it for what it is, you'll never be able to figure out all the answers.

[Filly]

I feel like too many people in the world want to have life all figured out before it is lived, all we really need to do is take life moment by moment and enjoy it for what it is, you'll never be able to figure out all the answers.

I totally agree with this.

Before my SO and I got together I had my life all planned out. I had one of those short-term, mid-term and long-term plan and it was hung on the wall in my bed room. When he told me of his interest in me and his love for me I got super upset (weird, I know) because I had planned my life a certain way and here he came now trying to convince me to change it. Gladly, I am changing some of my outlook and my plans have more fluidity and I can look beyond my plans and see that he really loves me and that I can make any adjustments to these plans that I want to.

[carolynred]

Does anyone believe that everyone should love themselves and not have self esteem issues before entering a serious relationship?

In my opinion, absolutely not. As human beings, we are always constantly changing, not just when we're single. Self esteem issues can come into play at any time in a person's life, including during a relationship. To me, I have a difficult time understanding why someone would leave their SO who makes them happy and content when they're going through a tough spell (unless if the relationship is the source of the tough spell of course). We're naturally social creatures, so to remove one's self from a relationship would seem more counterproductive. Sometimes we need someone to take us by the hand and show us what we cannot see.

I personally can relate to your question. When my SO and I began dating, I was very happy with myself and our relationship. However, when I went to college this past year, I began to have cases of social and conflict anxiety. My self-esteem was non-existent. I was always blaming myself for when people didn't like me and I would panic often. My SO was the main reason why now my anxiety is pretty much gone at this point. He was always there to remind me that I can't control peoples' thoughts, so why should I worry? I can't imagine how I would have handled it without him.

So in the long run, I don't see anything wrong with going into the relationship when you're trying to sort yourself out. You never know if a relationship will provide a guidance that you might need. Can't let self-esteem get in the way of living life right?