emotional turmoils! aargh :( some advice please

[Raina]

Hi everyone

I read the forum always, but never posted anything. today i thought i will pour out my heart.

I am in a relationship with my one and only true love, he is undoubtedly the best boyfriend ever I have never been in love before. he is my best friend of 2 years. and bf of one year. we have met several times and this is the back ground story to my problem

- i used to live in the same country as my boyfriend. but moved to Australia land with my parents to continue my studies. when i moved here he was my best friend. i started in university here with an accounting degree. my parents forced me on what major to choose, and so i had to listen to them :/ and chose accounting as my Commerce major. i hated what i studied. i really did. i skipped lectures, Tutes and i dunno how but i passed the exam well. luck i suppose. the second semester came. i had to do statistics as a subject. i have a huge huge fear for maths. it is a fear i developed when i was young. i had a maths tutor who deliberately found mistakes in all the sums i did. he would make a issue out of nothing. gosh if i didnt put the equal signs in order in a sum he would scold me. (how the heck can you always put the equal signs = so perfectly when you are making sums? isn't the right answer is what matters? ) so now i am scared of maths. i always think i make a mistake and i am scared. it made me develop huge huge self esteem issues. :/ due to this fear i dropped the statistics course. it was kind of hard for me with my fear.
i dropped out of uni, not being able to study something that is not my passion. its been 2 years since then i live at home. doing nothing.

- there is also another reason for dropping out of uni. my parents. My mom has always been, hmm how can i explain it, I always feel she doesn't love me. please don't think i m making up this whole theory about her not loving me. she really doesn't. she favors my younger siblings. and she has physically abused me when i was younger. hitting, thrashing, scolding etc. i cannot let go of that horrified past. still she does not care for me or love me. my dad and mom have always fought, i never was in a happy family. no emotional support of any kind. i don't know what it is to be loved by parents. from little age i was told to grow up, take responsibility, suck it up. my dad is very controlling. i am sick of being with them. specially when i dont know what it is like to be loved by a mother.

- its been 2 years since i dropped out of university. through all this my bf was very supportive to me emotionally and after taking everything into consideration, i realized i want to move back to my own country, where my i am originally from, also the country where my bf lives. I am hoping to move back by August this year.

now comes the real problem
1) where i live at present, Australia, i do not have the residence yet. i will get it in july hopefully and after that i will go to my own country in august. but i have to return back here after 3 years, to live another two years here to get my citizenship.

2) for now i have 3 years where i can go to my country and live in peace. but what am i going to study when i go there? I am sure i wont study accounting, my real passion is to study Psychology, but i have already looked in to it and it does involve alot of statistics i couldnt handle a simple statistics course in accounting! i have this fear of math. how can i handle psychology with statistics?

3) Me and my bf s plan is to come here to Australia after 3 years of spending time in our own country, and I want to study something that would help me to get a job easily in here. studying psychology will fuck both of us up because once i come here i want to study at least another year here to increase my chances at job hunting. and getting into a uni here as a psychology major once i come back is gonna be hard as hell. near impossible. and job opportunities are rare too for psychology. hense i d need to study till masters to earn good money.

4) i know psychology is a near impossible game, with my fear of math and with the length of the course but i cannot let go of the passion i have for it.

5) i decided to study commerce managemnet when i go back to my country, so when i come here i can easily find a job. its good money, safe job field, but i never want to work in the commece industry

i am so so torn apart. on one hand i have these emotional issues, family issues. low self esteem and crying on the other hand i want to study what i love but i fear it. i do not know what i should do
i have thought about talking to a psychologist. i have gone before. but none of them understand me perfectly. and for one session they charge 120$ it is pathetic. i do not know what i should do.

sorry this post was so long please give me your honest opinions
thanks guys

[Lilly9886]

I'm really sorry to read what you've been through in your past with your family.. it really sounds like you could use a "break" of them (no intention of being mean).

What's your country of origin? (just out of curiosity ^^)
How are the universities there? How can you apply and how would you pay for everything?

I also think, that nearly every study has some maths or statistics at one point in the career.. - especially in commerce management I would say you need math..

The only thing I can tell you is, that I always hated maths and I was never any good... but when I was at university I had statistics and I understood and loved it!

I wish I could help you or give you any advice... but what I'd say, go to your country, live on your own and try to figure out what you really want to do!

[Zephii]

First up, I think you need to talk to someone. Yeah, that shit's going to expensive, but well, you can't take your money with you when you die so you may as well use it on living a better life. And that's the thing - your young, I'm guessing around my age, you have your whole life ahead of you and the shit in your past is going to stop you having that life if you don't man up, face it and nip it in the bud.

I've been in and out of the shrinks office myself You can find cheaper shrinks too. I'm not sure what part of oz you're in, but you can shop around. The only time I paid that much for one of my psycologists is if she made a house call - if I went to her it was like $90 (But medicare covers that. So, when you get your residency, get on medicare!)
You could also get a regular councilor, many are free. Try lifeline, or kid's helpline, or Reach Out or Headspace. We have so many resources here!
No one person, no matter how well trained, or how in love with you, is ever going to understand you completely. I'm pretty sure most of us don't even understand ourselves completely, so it's too much to ask that of someone else, however you can talk to them, and get to the root of your fears. You can learn the skills to overcome your fears and your past. If you can't let go of what your parents have done to you it will twist who you are and every relationship you have for the rest of your life. I've seen this first hand, and it's ugly. You don't want this for yourself.

About your mum... well that's heartbreaking... it reminds me of how my older sister was treated, and what I went through. I assure you, they can beat you and still love you. Hell, sometimes they beat you BECAUSE they love you, as fucked up as that is. I'm not saying that she does or doesn't. If you say she doesn't I'll take your word on it coz you know her better than I do. I'm just saying that these people who are messed up enough to do these things to their kids generally aren't doing it because they want to be bad people, they are doing what they believe is right usually because they care.... they are a bit messed up, that's all.

Math is going to be everywhere. I think most courses have a statistics component of some kind, because most things rely on research to progress and statistics is the only way to make sense of all that research. But the great thing is, you already know why you're afraid of math - and knowing why is half the battle. You're not going to see this tutor again. And although you'll get countless sums wrong, you're an adult and you can choose not to let people belittle you. That's the great thing about not being a kid anymore. You don't have to take anyone's shit! There are recourses to take if you feel harrased or belittled.

The other thing is, you don't have to study right away. There's time. You can always go back and study later in life when you're more established. Or you can study while working at a little job. You don't even have to go through uni, you could study through TAFE or OTEN (OTEN is great if you're working because they are distance courses/ flexible). Unskilled labour jobs don't have the best rate of pay, granted, but they aren't terrible either. I work at a supermarket, and I know if I went full time, I could support myself comfortably if I was careful with what I made.

There are so many options, so make sure you look into all the resources available to you.