fighting over nothing

[Kiyama]

I'm visiting my SO and I feel like I shouldn't be here posting. yet I am. We've had a great time so far but... we've had quite a few silly arguments over nothing. Me hugging a cat and he no wanting me to touch him after that because of his allergies so I got sulky. Him snapping at me for no reason when I'm being playful and he completely misunderstands it. Both of us getting in a mood because he hates when a room is brightly illuminated and feels like I'm picking on him on purpose when I switch the main lights on at night.

So first I want to say I don't want to fight over little things. It's stupid and I know it'll affect our relationship negatively in the future. But it's tough. We both seem oversensitive about whatever the other person does. I do see my own doing here and I know I can do better but I can't see he does.
He apologised when he snapped at me for nothing but he still doesn't seem to see what he might be doing to pick a fight himself. He tries to blame it all on me. He admits it's a two way thing but when I ask he can't tell me anything he could work on.

At the same time he gives me the impression that these little things are a deal breaker for him. He basically told me he wouldn't wanna live that way and it shocked me to the core that he sees arguing over little things as a major threat for us. I feel like as if I got an ultimatum. Either we stop doing that or he doesn't want to be with me any longer. I don't understand. I don't want to do this. I want to work on this but the fact that this is so big for him ( I quote, he's not comfortable at all with having such arguments and won't accept it in his life) and he questions our whole relationship isn't easy to swallow.

What do I make of this? I'm hurt and scared. I'm scared he will break up with me. I feel like having this dooming sword hanging over me that might come down but I don't know when. If we don't work things out. How can I feel save in this relationship again? Am I overreacting? Where is the bigger picture of us being great and solid?

[LeilaniJoi]

Relax.. and really consider whether these things are worth arguing over. The cat issue I can kind of see, while I'm not allergic myself I've had friends that were highly allergic and even being in the room with someone that had handled a cat affected them. The other stuff is just small things. Is this your first visit?

Any relationship with someone is a give and take thing... my guy loves the lights on full in the room and I don't, especially if we are watching tv. It bothered me at first but honestly, it's not worth arguing over. I simply turn them off sometimes and leave them on sometimes, we've reached a compromise. The bigger picture is that you love each other and it's going to take some bending on both your parts to make it work. I can also understand not wanting to argue over every little thing, had that for years and it gets old - fast.

I think communication here and facing the fact that you both seem over sensitive about little things may help. Ultimately it comes down to how committed are you BOTH to this endeavor and can you work out these little things. I feel for you as I've been dealing with over sensitivity myself on a variety of little things. You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells around someone but you should be able to be yourself first and foremost. Until you get this sorted out in your mind, try to relax and not worry and talk with him in depth about this kind of stuff. Good luck and Hugs to you.. I know it's not an easy situation.

[Irina_Linn]

i think you are overreacting.all people are different.for someone putting socks on the chair is same as death and some people do not care even about the possibility of living on the street.try understand him a bit,think like him,try understand WHY it is important for him.my mom used to joke with me about spiders and i shouted at her.she really got pissed till i explained i am arachnophobic.see,same here,i freaked out for no reason (from her point of view) yet i had my reasons to be angry.i think you should not portrait nice picture in your head and then feel sad it didnt come true.instead just talk and ask why he is acting in this way,and well try to adjust in some situations maybe.i also had a picture in my head sometimes back,about how i want things to be and that my BF should never be sad,cry and he has to be Superman and Captain America altogether.And then he asked me "Aint i human too?" Just try to think from his point of view.Good luck!

[LeilaniJoi]

i think you are overreacting.all people are different.for someone putting socks on the chair is same as death and some people do not care even about the possibility of living on the street.try understand him a bit,think like him,try understand WHY it is important for him.my mom used to joke with me about spiders and i shouted at her.she really got pissed till i explained i am arachnophobic.see,same here,i freaked out for no reason (from her point of view) yet i had my reasons to be angry.i think you should not portrait nice picture in your head and then feel sad it didnt come true.instead just talk and ask why he is acting in this way,and well try to adjust in some situations maybe.i also had a picture in my head sometimes back,about how i want things to be and that my BF should never be sad,cry and he has to be Superman and Captain America altogether.And then he asked me "Aint i human too?" Just try to think from his point of view.Good luck!

very true words and the mistake a lot of people (myself included) have made and do make on a daily basis. Remember this is a partnership, not just about what you want and need from him. I don't mean to sound harsh... but it's a common mistake.

[DemonxOisin]

I really have nothing to add that other people have not already said, but I want you to know that I know that feel D: Miguel wont kiss me after I have "kissed" one of my cats Not even because heīs allergic or anything, he just thinks itīs gross.

Honestly I donīt generally stereotype, but he comes from a bit of an upper class, classy conservative family, where as mine is a bunch of free for all crazy blue collared liberals LOL. So a bunch of things that I wouldnīt think twice about kind of freaks him out. Basically, we try to understand the others perspective, but itīs a thing you have to work on together. One person can NOT always make the effort to understand the other side, you both need to do it equally.

[lucybelle]

How has your relationship been up until this point? It seems like he's starting all these arguments over silly things and it may be because he's trying to distance himself from you and prepare for a break up. Or maybe he's just really sensitive and is over reacting to silly things. Just say "okay, sorry I didn't know" and move on.

[Kiyama]

Is this your first visit?

Any relationship with someone is a give and take thing... my guy loves the lights on full in the room and I don't, especially if we are watching tv. It bothered me at first but honestly, it's not worth arguing over. I simply turn them off sometimes and leave them on sometimes, we've reached a compromise.

No it isn't my first visit. We've been going back and forth for a few months now and I lived with him for almost 3 months at the beginning. We didn't have these issues at the beginning.
Compromise is important. I know that. His compromise in this case is, however, if I want the lights full on, he will leave the room. I don't need the lights on full time. Maybe if I want to read but even then he wouldn't compromise.

He tells me I should accept his little quirks, which I do but the fact that he's snapped at me for no reason twice recently has made me sensitive too over things I would normally overlook. Now I worry about that it's always have to be me making the compromise. I guess more communication is needed here.

i think you should not portrait nice picture in your head and then feel sad it didnt come true.instead just talk and ask why he is acting in this way,and well try to adjust in some situations maybe.i also had a picture in my head sometimes back,about how i want things to be and that my BF should never be sad,cry and he has to be Superman and Captain America altogether.And then he asked me "Aint i human too?" Just try to think from his point of view.Good luck!

Good point. I try to put myself in his position but you see I want him to do the same for me and at least last night when we talked, he didn't. He repeated saying he knew it was a two way street but when I asked him about what he could improve he couldn't answer. Where is his self reflection here? I don't want to be the only one compromising all the time.

So a bunch of things that I wouldnīt think twice about kind of freaks him out. Basically, we try to understand the others perspective, but itīs a thing you have to work on together. One person can NOT always make the effort to understand the other side, you both need to do it equally.

it made me laugh we kind of share a similar problem
I will definitely try and be more understanding if he is willing to do the same.

How has your relationship been up until this point? It seems like he's starting all these arguments over silly things and it may be because he's trying to distance himself from you and prepare for a break up. Or maybe he's just really sensitive and is over reacting to silly things. Just say "okay, sorry I didn't know" and move on.

I don't know if you read my other thread about the whole marriage issue. He denied having commitment issues, stating he has always been ready to get married to me. Well, now he doesn't want to any more because of this fighting. At least not now. This means either he has to move back to my country eventually or extending the distance. Honestly at this point I wouldn't want to any more either and it is liberating in some way and takes away pressure from me. I felt like it was the most important thing in the world to make sure we could have a close distance relationship when I finished my teaching training next year at the latest. But then again getting married right now ,especially knowing his thoughts, doesn't feel right at all anymore and I don't have to worry about to leave my family and friends and be dependent on him. I like the thought about being able to manage my life when I finish and be independent.
I told him I was worried he wanted to prepare the grounds for a break up with all this but he denies it. He says he loves me and wants to work it out. The problem is that I am a person who wants to feel secure. And now this has been taken away from me. There is an uncertain future ahead. Can I really trust him and will he come back for me or do I give everything now and at the end he will break my heart? So yes, it is my main worry. Maybe he really is just oversensitive ( I haven't experienced this with a guy but I guess it can be it) but what if he isn't and trying to push me away because I won't be able to do anything right?
I know I have to trust him here but from what I have experienced with him and what I know from his past, it isn't the easiest thing and my worries aren't without cause.

[lucybelle]

He tells me I should accept his little quirks, which I do but the fact that he's snapped at me for no reason twice recently has made me sensitive too over things I would normally overlook. Now I worry about that it's always have to be me making the compromise. I guess more communication is needed here.

Exactly. There's no reason for him to "snap" when you're just getting to know his quirks. I have lots of funny things that need to be done a certain way. I've lived with my SO for over a year and he still sometimes forgets. Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I get mad and have to take a few breaths before confronting him, but there's no reason for me to yell over something so little. He needs to take it easy. Maybe he's wound up over the pressure of getting married or something.

[Honeypie]

It's all about love & trust ..... if you don't trust him you're going to end up hurt .... and you might just be doing it to yourself.

[Kiyama]

Yes I see we both have to work on things... I hope he will be willing to do the same.

And yes I know I need to trust him. I usually do but I can get insecure at times.

Well thanks to everybody for your comments. You've been really helpful, as always