2+ years and counting...

Me and my SO have been together for 2 years and 9 months and we have yet to met in person. We see each other every night on Skype or Oovoo. But the distance and the fact we really have no end in sight to when we will have a visit is driving me crazy. I pick fights all the time now over completely random things and that are totally unnecessary and I really don't know why. I feel horrible when we are fighting. It makes no sense. Plus the kids cant wait for a visit and always having to tell them I don't know when that will happen kinda sucks and to see the looks on their faces kills me. I'm just wondering if anyone else out there has been in a similar situation where its been years and yet to met. If so any tips on how to deal with it? Any advise would be appreciated. Thanks for listening.

[squeeker]

Aw it didn't take that long for my SO and I to meet (it took us about a year and 1 month from the day we met online to meeting face to face) but I can see how additional challenges would make it take longer. I'm guessing the kids make it more challenging, as traveling with kids probably would be more expensive and more challenging if they're in school or other programs.. and then he has work or whatever he does and finances might be tight.. I'm sure you've talked about meeting? Are you guys saving up or have a rough idea when you can start saving up, or do you have the money and not the time? I don't know the situation and why you haven't been able to meet yet. But I can see that that would be very frustrating and especially with kids asking you. So I just wanted to offer this post up to let you know that you can do this, and 2 years is a long time and if you've made it this far, I'm sure you can make it as far as needed, because it seems you've found a good man and I really hope and pray you get to meet soon, at least having a date set helps a lot! Take care

[Zephii]

Four years here *raises hand*

The thing I learnt, and I wish someone had told me earlier, is a visit wont just happen. Generally, most things in life don't just happen. You have to get in there and make them happen. And the best coping skill to me seems to be putting a plan into action, because even if it's slow you can see the steps you are taking and you know that he's there at the end of this road.

So, start with your budget, and work out how long it should take you to save the money to go visit. Then add an extra month to that. Then book time off with your work. Get a calendar so you can show the kids your progress, this is also a great time to reinforce whatever you've already taught them about saving money. Mark on the calendar each time you save, and how long it is to go. Then do it.

I know a lot of people like to take the seemingly easier route of waiting til their SOs come to them, but I know in my situation that I just may have waited forever (well, no, he swears he'd have come for my graduation, so it would have only been another year but still!) It's better to be proactive, there's just no worse feeling than waiting!

Other than that, just not thinking about it seems to be the way to go Focus on what you do have rather than what you don't. Keep what you do have as fun.
Carrots xx

[monkeynbunny]

OK so heres a little back story. When we met online I was married. I've hated my ex-husband for a years well to be honest the entire time we were married. We have 3 kids together and there are issues to say the least with his family and him I never thought it would be safe for my kids if we would get a divorce. And I never had the strength to try and fight for what I think is right. I just thought I would "stick it out" until they all are 18 but it started to get really bad. He was never physically abusive but he was very verbally. Fast forward to when I met my SO we instantly hit it off. We became really close I was able to tell him things I wouldn't tell anyone else and visa versa. He was like my best friend and we both developed feelings beyond friendship but we both tried to ignore them. ( since I was married with have 3 kids and we also have a large age gap) And then one day he asked what I would do if he asked me to marry him. I knew at that point there was no ignoring anything and I was going to do what I needed to so we could be together. I never believed in true love or thought I deserved it if it was out there. Then I met him and that all changed. I took steps to making leaving my ex-husband possible and I did. It took a year but I did it. We are still technically married but mainly because of money and other issues but hopefully that all be soon taken care of. Anyways there isn't a lot of people that know about us, mainly his parents and most of my family. And the people that do know we didn't get any support from. My kids know and they love him and couldn't be happier. He wants to have certain things done before he tells them and its just taking more time then we thought it was going to take. We did have the money to met but something came up with my mom and I had to use the money I had saved. So I will have to wait til my next tax return to have the money again. Saving really isnt an option. I'm a single mom and my ex pays no child support so every penny I make goes to paying rent, bills, and taking care of the kids. I would like to have a date set but we did have one twice and it just didn't workout the way we wanted so I dont know that I can go though that disappointment again. I know that everything that needs to be taken care of is very important before we can met and be together but it really doesn't make it any easier, if that makes sense. Thanks for the reply and listening. Sorry this was so long.

[monkeynbunny]

Four years here *raises hand*

WOW! You give me hope lol. I know I can wait as long as I need to but it does get frustrating and lonely sometimes. I really liked your ideas especially the calendar. I have a son with Aspergers Autism and time frames are a big deal to him and he likes to see and know when things are going to happen I think that will really help him. But we wont be able to do that until we have a forsure date set. He's not good when things are changed or out of his routine. And for the most part I try not to focus on what I don't have. Sometimes its just hardder than others. Like I told one of my friends that tried saying we dont have a "real" relationship, Im willing to bet we have more of a "real" relationship than most couples in CDR. We became best friends before anything and we still are. I would wait til the end of time if I had to. (lol but i hope i dont have too) I love him more than i thought possible. I don't know what I would do without him. Your ideas were really good to help me and the kids focus on something to look forward to and help plan.Thanks for your help.

[Zephii]

It helps knowing more about your situation.
Don't listen to the shit people come out with, people still occasionally tell me that my SO and I can't do it, and we're CD, married and expecting a baby. The moral of this is people are douche canoes a great deal of the time.
It's real. You're both real people, with real contact and real feelings. There is someone on the other end of that phone/side of the computer screen, but many people can't grasp that. My sister, for example, still tells me my internet friends are not real friends (I guess that makes them imaginary friends?) despite having met many of them in person later.
You can't let people get to you.

Anywho... hmm.. are there things in his area that are different to yours? Land marks? Or city vs. town? Or something (I know very little about America)? You could get free travel brochers (sp) and cut out pictures to make a collage with the kidlets? Give them something positive and educational to focus on, as well as a reminder for yourself?

[LilyChiba]

I don't have kids, but it took me 2.2 years for me to see my SO the first time. Distracting myself to stop thinking about that time was really all I could do to not think on it too much. Gaming and Rping for me. It's different for everyone. Talking to him about it also helps.

I also totally agree with you Zephii. I am so tired of people saying that online friends aren't friends. More often than not, they are there for us better than the people we know locally, which is sad.

[monkeynbunny]

Thanks Zephii you have some really good ideas to do with the kids! oh and I'm stealing douche canoes that is the best lol. And I've come to the conclusion that people are just ignorant when it comes to what's "real" and what's not. Just because you've never sharred physical space with someone doesn't mean you don't have a "real" relationship. Even if its just a friendship. Its about a connection between two people not if you can sit in the same room. Hell the people I can sit in the same room with id rather not lol being able to sit in the same room doesn't make a good friend or an SO. What surprises me is all the negitive things people have to say without even caring how its going to make you feel. And they are supposed to be your "real" friends or family. I've had some pretty hurtful things said to me as I'm sure you all have. And its horrible these people are supossed to be your friends and love you but can't see how happy and loved you are. People see what they want to and most people are closedminded. Well I've rambled enough I got to get back to work. Lol. Thanks for being there and listening.