How to deal with worries

[mofet]

I am a newbie, and I've joined this site because I would really appreciate some advice from other people going through similar situations.
My SO and I met in college. He's a lot older than me because he came back to school late, but he is also one year below me. So, I've just graduated and he has one year to go. That means... I've moved back to NY and he's in MA.
Since we started going out, I've been pretty clear that our relationship would not go past graduation. I've done distance before and all previous such relationships failed for one reason or another. Not that I don't believe they can work, just that I recognize it would be really difficult.
The weeks leading up to graduation my SO started getting more and more worried, and since we were really happy and were practically living together, he convinced me to at least give things a try.

However, I still had reservations and I clearly warned him there were several warnings as to why we could not be together.
Every single time I went home for a break or a weekend, he'd go INSANE with insecurity. He'd tell me he's really frustrated and worried if I go out with my friends, and he'd call and text incessantly. I understand why he's afraid, I'm a lot younger than him and he's projecting his past experiences on me. But I've tried to be reasonable and not only console him, but limit the number of drinks I have while I'm out. He says he's not insecure and that he trusts me, but he doesn't trust my environment.
But even when I went out in April with my BROTHER and COUSINS to a neighborhood dive, he still called and texted throughout the night. I told him I'd text him when I got home around 4 am but I went to a diner with my brother and he called me at 5 am to find out where I was. When I told him what I was doing and who I was with, he didn't believe me (initially), and I got pissed off.

Things are getting really difficult. I'm still looking for work, and I want to get settled down before I start visiting him. But he's misses me a lot and he even came down once (at a REALLY BAD TIME) and keeps wondering when I'll come up. Although he's trying not to pressure me, he says stuff like "I miss you and you're not making plans to come up so, I'm worried you don't miss me." However, it's really difficult for me to visit for the following reasons
1) I went abroad and have some savings, but overall am financially dependent right now. I graduated really well, so I'm hoping to be employed soon, but until then the $50+ roundtrip is a lot, considering my parents won't help pay for it. I can do it once, but probably not twice for a while so I'm trying to put it off until I'm more financially secure.
2) I am living with my parents who are old fashioned and strict. Not only do they not like him because they've been shocked by his insecure behavior, but they've met him and think that I can do better. More or less, because they do not know him. I'm not letting my parents dictate who I can see, but I've always had a great relationship with them and I don't want to ruin that. Moreover, they don't care too much if I continue seeing him, but they believe that he should make the trip, so they're putting a lot of stress on me not to go.

There are some days that are good, but then the weekends HAVE BEEN HORRIBLE. Since I "choose" to leave the house to hang out with friends or go to a bar, instead of seeing him, he FREAKS out. My first weekend back I went out twice and only had two drinks each time and he threw a fit and broke things off. My second night, mind you I was out with childhood friends and again, my brother.

He apologized and then started demanding I see him the following weekend. And I told him he needed to stop pressuring me and that I had only just left and needed time to transition.
I am mentally making plans to see him next weekend. I'm interviewing at 3 firms during the week, so I'll have time to go on saturday. But this past weekend he threw another fit and now I don't know if I want to continue this at all.

On Friday night I went to a friends place. I didn't drink and it was just me and two girl friends. We hung out for 2 hours and then I went home. During this time my phone crashed and I didn't receive his text messages until I was home and in bed. I did call and text him myself, so it wasn't too bad, and he understood that I didn't answer his texts because of my phone. But then when I told him I may go out to a club yesterday he BLEW UP on me, telling me that he was dissatisfied with my ability to receive his calls and answer his texts on time, claiming that he has to wait an hour until he gets a reply (my phone crashing incident excluded), and that even a 10 minute delay was too much. I don't always notice my phone, but the past 3 times I went out I only had 2-5 minute delays, so I knew he was crying bullshit. Then he started saying again how afraid he is that I'll go out and talk with other guys, and he tells me he trusts me and that he's only afraid because these things happen. But I've been SO good at controlling my drinks and playing wingwoman for my single girlfriends I'm just annoyed that he thinks that I'll put myself in that situation regardless. It's so stupid because I am a very monogamous person. I made a half-mistake my freshman year of college (wasn't really cheating, but still) and felt so awful that I know I would never do anything like that to hurt him. We argued again for a couple hours, my parents got angry at me for talking to him, and I ended up staying in. He tells me he loves me, and I do care for him, I just don't want things to be like this. He says all I need to do is reassure him, but I've been DOING that and it feels like nothing is enough.
My resolve is fading, and I know that.
Is there any way to stop him from freaking out?
Or should I just end things next weekend and move on...

[floridaellen]

There are some days that are good, but then the weekends HAVE BEEN HORRIBLE. Since I "choose" to leave the house to hang out with friends or go to a bar, instead of seeing him, he FREAKS out. My first weekend back I went out twice and only had two drinks each time and he threw a fit and broke things off.

He apologized and then started demanding I see him the following weekend.

But then when I told him I may go out to a club yesterday he BLEW UP on me, telling me that he was dissatisfied with my ability to receive his calls and answer his texts on time, claiming that he has to wait an hour until he gets a reply (my phone crashing incident excluded), and that even a 10 minute delay was too much. I don't always notice my phone, but the past 3 times I went out I only had 2-5 minute delays, so I knew he was crying bullshit.

Reread these quotes. Your SO seems to be controlling you. I understand that he may not like the club environment but you should still be allowed to go out and have fun if you want to. It seems like he doesn't trust you, especially with the "10 minutes is too long for a text" business.

I don't think there is anything you could do to stop him from freaking out other than not go out anymore. But would you want to/be able to give that up? I don't think it's fair that he's making you choose.

[mofet]

Thanks for your reply.
One of the issues that I have been dealing with is the fact that he calls/texts/gets annoyed with me for going out and yet maintains that he is neither insecure nor does he want to keep me from doing the things I love.
It's begun to confuse me.
He says he just needs to be reassured, but if he needs to be reassured all the time, it's still stemming from something.
I'm just getting lost with all of this.

[lyonsgirl]

I understand his concerns, but if you are unhappy, it's not worth it. Based on what you said, you seem to be more unhappy than happy. He shouldn't be mad/annoyed at you for going out with your friends. If you were CD, I'm guessing you would go out with friends. He cannot keep you from friends. I hate to say it, but if he's trying to, you might want to have a serious talk with him about what's going on. Do you know what all of his insecurities are stemming from? Can you do anything-besides not going out with friends/family to help alleviate his concerns? (And tbh, I think it's kind of... over-bearing that he gets mad when you don't respond to a text within 10 minutes.)

[mofet]

I think his insecurities stem from our age difference. He is a lot older than me, and he cheated a lot when he was my age.
He also thinks I'm incredibly beautiful and that no man on earth wouldn't want to try and hit on me.
But I've also assured him that I am perfectly capable of rejecting men.
I've been hit on, and either introduced them to a friend or said something like "well, it's nice meeting you, I'm going to go call my boyfriend" to let them know I'm not interested.
I also think the worst of it is that all this drama is the only thing that my parents and my closest friends see. They're not around for the good moments, so they hate that I'm still with him.
I think that after all of this non-stop drama, I may just have to buy a return bus ticket to say goodbye properly.
I'm losing hope that this is something we can work through.
And as for alleviating his concerns, he tells me that when he calls, he just wants me to say something like "I know it's hard for you to deal with me going out, but I love you and things will be okay."
But I've done that in the past and he still ends up freaking out

[Zapookie]

Have you had a chat to him about his insecurities yet? I think you need to have a real heart to heart about all of this and about where your relationship will be going if he continues this behaviour. It's not OK that he freaks out whenever you leave your house. And he can't say that he trusts you but doesn't trust your environment, that's utter bullshit - if he trusted you there wouldn't be this issue in the first place. He's being controlling, and the longer you let it go on, the worse it will get.

[LeilaniJoi]

Agree. A serious talk may be the best way to open his eyes to just how badly it's affecting you. I know in my own situation I deal with a lot of insecurites, one of which is a rather large age gap and all the worries that come with it. Regardless of what other people told me, it took my SO finally saying "you need to stop doing this and just trust me" to wake me up. The idea that I might lose him over a hell I am creating for myself gave me the strength and resolution to make changes in my own thinking that improved things greatly.