Don't know about the relationship anymore...

[MissVampyxo]

Trying to make it simple and quick- I'm going to be visiting him for the first time on the 20th and I've been an emotional wreck because of it and it has caused doubts with me and our relationship. I've never done anything by myself and this will be me- alone on a plane for the first time going to a new place with new people (other than him we've met 2 times before). I'm so nervous and scared and it's just really dragging me down with our relationship. Today it's been a year and 8 months, I love him and he's the best thing that's ever happened. But I think the 'honeymoon' phase for me is over.. I'm starting to realize his downfalls and stubbornness and how he's lazy like some guys are, and it's starting to get to me. I've been getting random feelings of jsut wanting to break up but with no real reason. I mostly think it's because of my nerves with everything but it's getting to the point that I think even if i do visit... I might end up breaking up with him.

I don't know if I can handle a LDR anymore.. I can't look 'forward' to anything in my future because I always have to put into consideration, this relationship. I don't know about college, or getting a job because I have to wait and see how this visit goes.. and if I'll move there or how long it will take if he moves here. It's just really getting to me, and I feel bad because these doubts go on and off. I almost feel bipolar about this relationship. Honestly I could cancel the ticket right now because I'm so nervous and confused about everything, but I know it's not fair unless I give it a shot. I have told him about my doubts and the way I'm feeling, and he obviously just doesn't know what to do or say and it of course upsets him. I do love him, there's no doubt about it but I feel like I really have lost the honey moon phase and I'm starting to question if I can keep on with this and if I even want to for the years to come.. The pain, the missing your other half, and not being able to start my own life because of this.

It makes it harder because he's not an independent person. He is 21, still lives with his parents has no car, no job, but is currently in college. I just WISH he had his own place, own car, and job so everything could be easier.. but he doesn't. I just graduated high school and have a car and can't even look for a job or go into college because of this visit.
(I bought a one way ticket there because I think it will be easier to just buy a ticket when I'm ready to come back home. So I don't know how long exactly my visit will be.)

I just... could someone offer so heart felt advice? I mean a few people have just said it's probably my nerves getting the best of me and I also feel that maybe once I get there with him, and see what it's like to be with him again that I'll calm down and finally see that I was overreacting. Should I just end it before I go? I honestly don't want to, I want this relationship but the other half of me is still questioning it.

[Sora1101]

I know what you mean about being nervous about flying alone, in about a month I'll be flying by myself for the first time to visit my SO and every time I think about it I panic.

Anyway I think you should definitely at least give this visit a chance, even if you don't want to stay with him anymore learning how to do things independently will definitely bring you confidence later in life, and what I can say is this. There were times in my relationship I felt like giving up but as soon as I saw my SO again those thoughts flew straight out the window, sure our future together is totally uncertain and probably will be for a long time I know waiting for him is worth it.

So I guess my advice is this, take the trip, see if what you're feeling is just a case of the LDR blues, if it's not then end it, you're young and you have your whole life ahead of you, if it is just LDR blues then the visit will make everything better, at least it will give you the strength to fight for your relationship, probably just long enough for the next visit to roll around. That's the price we pay in a LDR and it doesn't make you a bad person or weak if you just aren't willing to pay that price anymore.

[Zephii]

I hear you on the flying alone. The first time I met Obi was the first time I got on a plane. But like Sora said, it'll give you added confidence in yourself if nothing else, so give it a go.

Your concerns over being with someone who's lazy are genuine, and maybe while you're there you can bring it up with him. One day, you're going to share a home, a future and a lifestyle. Are your lifestyles going to be compatible? Is he going to work just as hard as you? If he going to be willing to do things together or is he going to want to stay home and watch tv? etc.

I had similar worries about Obi and his independence (or lack thereof). He lived with his parents until I moved to Canada and he moved out with me - at the ripe age of 23. I hacked on him a lot for that, still do. But realistically, it benefited him (and me by proxy)a great deal because while his parents supported him, he was able to work and have quite a bit of savings and he was able to afford post-secondary education without incurring massive student debt. (He had some, but not enough that I needed to be concerned about combining finances with him).
While visiting I realised that his parents were quite a bit like flatmates and weren't running his life for him either, and that helped. He wasn't financially independent, but he was in every other way. So maybe having a look at his dynamic with his parents while you're there will help you decide if this is what you want for your future.

And talk. Find out how serious he is about this relationship, and if he's willing to help you in your future - so you have something to look forward to, so you know when you'll start studying again, or if you're going to take a few years just to work and earn money or whatever. The 20th isn't far away now, and then hopefully things will be much clearer.

[mofet]

Flying is fun. You'll be fine once you're on the plane and you'll breathe easier.
This is all just nerves, and it's easy to think about the bad stuff and want to run away when something is hard.
I'm going through similar feelings.
But one thing first.
Never give up on your future for someone else.
That is not to say that you can't have a future with someone else, but you also have to make big decisions based on things you want for yourself, and their job is just to be supportive.
Don't rush your life.
If you want to move on, then make that decision.
But don't postpone college just because you're worried about him.
I'm sure that he wouldn't be so selfish as to demand you choose based on his location, and if he's right for you, then he'll support whatever choice you make.

[Katelyn313]

Flying is fun. You'll be fine once you're on the plane and you'll breathe easier.
This is all just nerves, and it's easy to think about the bad stuff and want to run away when something is hard.
I'm going through similar feelings.
But one thing first.
Never give up on your future for someone else.
That is not to say that you can't have a future with someone else, but you also have to make big decisions based on things you want for yourself, and their job is just to be supportive.
Don't rush your life.
If you want to move on, then make that decision.
But don't postpone college just because you're worried about him.
I'm sure that he wouldn't be so selfish as to demand you choose based on his location, and if he's right for you, then he'll support whatever choice you make.

This, exactly. No one will think about or take care of you, but you. You need to be prepared for life ahead and you definitely need to make sure you're doing everything possible for your life to be what you want. Not to say leave him out of all consideration, but like Mofet said, if he's right, he'll support whatever choice you make.

Also, in my past serious relationship, I overlooked things I thought were just a touch annoying and things I didn't exactly like but thought would change once we moved in or got more serious. In my case, they didn't. I actually stayed too long and they ended up getting worse, but I think that's because my ex SO had a personality disorder.

That said, I think while you're on the visit, take in everything. See how things are for real and be honest with yourself about whether you could live like that, like Zephii said. Doubts aren't necessarily things to ignore or things that aren't important. They are most likely legitimate. So try to stay in tune with yourself and how you're feeling and keep your eyes open.

Hope I wasn't too depressing...sheesh...

Have a great trip and report back And yes, travelling alone is slightly scary, but you can do it!

[kteire]

But don't postpone college just because you're worried about him.
I'm sure that he wouldn't be so selfish as to demand you choose based on his location, and if he's right for you, then he'll support whatever choice you make.

This! Don't put your future on hold for someone else before figuring out what you actually want. If you want to find a job or go to college, apply. You can quit jobs, transfer between schools, nothing is set in stone!

Other than that, it sounds like a lot of your concerns about the relationship aren't just the sort of nerves you get before meeting a person. The fact that he's not very independent can be a bad thing, unless it's a situation like what Zephii's described. I have some male friends who've never lived out of home, and some you wouldn't know it, and others I swear have never learned so much as to boil pasta. As others have said, give the visit a shot, and if those feelings and concerns are still lingering when you're there, I think you should talk to your SO about how you're feeling. I always find there are some things I build up in my mind as issues when I'm away from my SO that are completely untrue when I see him, and some things we've had to work on in person.