I'm super co-dependent on my SO...How do I get over this?

[HeartInTexas]

Hello, my name is Julia. =) I'm 21 years old and new to this site. So, I apologize if I do something wrong.

I guess I'll start with some back story?

I'm in Colorado, halfway through obtaining my vet tech degree. If I go full time, I'll finish in a year. It's a degree for a CVT license, so if I ever plan to move to Texas, I'd have to take another test to get a RVT license.
My SO is 22 and lives in Texas where he works 50hr weeks (some times longer since he is a manager). Plus, he takes martial arts classes and will be starting college next semester. He's also very popular and hangs out with his friends frequently.
We were friends for 4 yrs, then developed this sort of "flirtationship" I guess you could call it for about 5 months. We started dating mere days ago when I returned from visiting him.

I recently met him face to face when I went to visit Texas. I was there from May 31st-June 9th. It was my very first time on a plane and my very first out of state trip. I had the most amazing time with him and never wanted our fun to end. Sadly, I had to go back home since we both have other commitments to take care of first.

Onto my "issue"...

Ever since I got back from my trip 3 days ago, I have been very stressed, trying to fight back tears, and feeling extremely anxious when he is not speaking to me. Before I met him face to face, I was able to keep myself calm and collected when he was too busy to chat. Now that I have had such a great time in Texas with him, I am having trouble appreciating my life in Colorado.

I know I am being very dependent on him to keep me happy. I don't know how to stop though. I don't want to feel miserable just because I didn't get a text from him the second I wake up in the morning. I mean it when I say "miserable"! It's not just disappointment, it's an awful ache in my chest that just makes me want to cry. I have been skipping a lot of meals and sleeping only a few hours a night.

I understand it is fine to be sad and cry some times because you are so far apart, but I feel like I should not feel this awful. Most advice I receive is "calm down" and "give it some time." Well, I really am trying. Three days really isn't that long, but with the way he is handling things on his end, I feel silly being so freaked out over things. I keep wondering if something is wrong with me and have been debating seeing a counselor if my mood continues to worsen, since my school gives us 2 free visits to see her. My friends tell me I am perfectly fine, I am just too dependent. Isn't being this dependent considered a bad thing though? What if I'm bi-polar or something?

I am trying to pal around with friends when he is busy, but I don't have many. Plus, they have lives and can't tend to me 24/7. I can't drive, although I am in the middle of studying for a license. I want to pick up a hobby like dancing or martial arts, but I don't want to do it alone and don't have anyone to join me. I'm not as interested in video games as I used to be, so they don't distract me for long. I have been trying to drown myself in good conversation with online folk too. Everything I do just seems like a temporary fix for my mood. I don't know how to permanently get over it. I just want to be able to handle myself as well as I did before I met him in person.

TL;DR: I want to find a way to get over how dependent I am on my boyfriend. Any ideas or suggestions would be lovely!

[corrda00]

I found that keeping busy is important like you said. Try to find a productive hobby. Something like music, painting or working out, just anything to take your mind off of him all the time.

[sewbama]

Well, first you don't want to permanently get over missing him. You want a relationship, right? Missing him is ok. And these days are hard. I think your reaction is normal. Seeing a counselor is always a good idea. Just talking about it can make it better. I don't know if you're necessarily depending on him to keep you happy either. Are you getting mad at him for not texting, or just feeling sad? Just remember he isn't doing anything wrong and don't take your sadness out on him. But you do want to talk to him about how you're feeling. Make sure he understands you're having a hard time with it.

The best way to get better is to get busy. Find something to occupy your time. Do you have hobbies? Like to read? Exercise? Do something. It'll really help you get past this hardest part. Being busy really makes the time go faster. If you don't have a hobby, develop one. I love to sew, and it really holds my attention. That's how I pass the time when I miss him. Try crafts, or sewing, or volunteer at an animal shelter. Reading can be a great escape, but I find that if I'm missing my SO and I read romance, it tends to make it worse. So I'd go for a different genre.

And being sad doesn't mean you are bipolar. You might be depressed, but you probably are just grieving. It's perfectly normal and healthy. But having someone to talk to could help you through it.

Best of Luck!

[Honeypie]

Talking to a counselor never hurts, sometimes just saying things to someone that will not judge takes alot of stress away & you are able to come up with your own solution to many of your problems.

Missing him is normal, if you didn't miss them then there would be a problem. However if you are angrey with him then that is a nother issue, he isn't doing anything wrong. Talk to him about how you're feeling.

You need to keep busy, get a hobby beacuse sitting around doing nothing but thinking about him & how much you miss him is not going to help you at all.

[ioanna]

first off, welcome to LFAD

i'm really sorry you're going through such a hard time. from what you're describing, the first thing that came to my mind is the post visit blues. don't panic, its normal. everyone has it in some form or another, and everyone deals with the first few days of separation differently...

as the lovely people before me have said, keeping yourself busy is a good thing, it distracts you, gives you pleasure in accomplishing something and actually makes you happy. during one of the hardest periods i was facing i leaned how to make origami and started making Brazilian friendship bracelets for everyone i know doing crafts at home might be a solution, or reading a good book. they don't cost much, are perfect for isolation and sitting away from your means of contact. try not to keep your phone with you, checking every instant to see if there's a new message instead put it in another room with the ringer on hi so you do hear it when something comes but it's not constantly tempting you...

Like i said earlier, everyone handles this period differently so don't worry if your SO doesn't react the way you do, it doesn't mean he isn't sad that you're no longer physically together. please remember that although this is painful, it will only be this painful for a small amount of time and you'll be able to both adjust to you new situation.
Hang in there!

[kteire]

I think you're being too hard on yourself! It's been 3 days, so of course it's going to be harder than usual still! When my SO and I would see each other for a couple weeks and then have to separate for a few months, I was a complete mess for about a week after leaving him. I didn't feel up to do anything, would be incredibly upset if he wasn't able to text or be online when I wanted him to, and the only thing that made it better was time. It'll get easier after a bit of time, but this time will most likely take you the longest to get back to your regular routine. (It did for me the first time anyway!) Don't read too much into how you're feeling, I'm sure you don't have bi-polar disorder based on this! Unless you're still like this a few weeks down the road, I wouldn't worry much, or bother getting a counselor.

You'll get through it, and then the best way to deal with missing him is to stay busy when you can't talk. If you can't find someone to do a class with you, force yourself to do it anyway. Maybe you'll meet new people and make new friends, and love it enough to have it act as a good distraction. And unless you and your SO think that you're being too dependent on him, don't keep telling yourself that you are. Your friends don't know enough about your relationship to say that honestly. Sometimes it's just hard!

[notyourexgirlfriend]

What you're going through is perfectly normal. It usually takes me a good week or two to get back to some semblance of normalcy after visits with my SO (either him to me or me to him). I would hardly consider you Bipolar. That term gets brandished around too flippantly for my liking and I guess I'm particularly sensitive to it because I actually have Bipolar Disorder. It's OK to be sad but you can't let this sadness consume you. Keep yourself busy. Spend time with friends. I agree with a lot of the other respondents to your OP that unless your SO thinks you're being overly dependent on him leave the negative thoughts alone. It's so easy to get caught up in a cycle of ever spiraling thought processes. Hang in there. It will get better. It really does take time.

[HeartInTexas]

Thank you all very much! I didn't I was going to get so much advice and support. Your replies really help to calm me down. You're all fabulous people, I appreciate your help!

[Colorado2SouthDakota]

Someone else from Colorado!!! Welcome first off I am also very new to the site and LDR's. I felt the same way after leaving my SO in South Dakota (May 11-May 23). It was our first visit. She is very independent and handles anything that is thrown in front of her amazingly while I am more like you with being dependent. She told me it's not healthy to be like that and that I need to do my best to stay busy and keep my mind off her. I do anything I can to stay busy and not think of her. Although I still do tons and still always have my phone by me ready to hear from her. Just try your best to be productive with what your doing.
Cheers