Compromises, do you/can you make them?

[LadyMarchHare]

My main question is, even though you're apart, do you make compromises for your SO in terms of changing certain things they really don't like?

Let me elaborate with my problem.

So today was the first phone convo I've had with Hattie in forever. He's been so busy that I can't call and he doesn't call me early/late because he hates waking me up. He was on break at work and was taking the time to call me and talk and tell me about a story idea he had for something. In the midst he made the comment, "shit I need a pack, one isn't enough." He had told me months ago he smoked but that I had 'inspired' him to quit, I don't know if it was for why I told him or not. This caught me off guard and the conversation went like this:

Me: I thought you quit?

Him: Well I don't smoke ALL the time. Just a couple here and there, usually on break.

Me: You know you can't smoke when I'm there.

Him: I'll just go outside and do it there, it's OK.

For one, I hate people who smoke, but that's not the issue. The issue is, I'm Asthmatic, meaning even barbecue smoke causes my throat to close and I struggle to breathe. Cigarette smoke, even second hand and even from a distance if it blows in my direction, will cause me to choke. He knows this, I told him when he first brought it up that it would, literally, kill me. I don't like that he took it up again without telling me (I guess he forgot I told him, it was a while ago and it doesn't really ever come up) and I want to ask him to quit for my sake, but I'm not really sure I'm justified because, well, I'm not there and I don't know when I WILL be there.

So again, have you made a compromise for them? Have they, for you? Can you really ask them to do these things, even such a hard thing as quitting smoking, when you aren't there and not feel like you're a jerk for it?

[5000miles]

I'm asthmatic as well but not quite that bad. Smoke does bother me, but I can deal with it. But I'm very much anti-smoking when it comes to the person I'm with for several reasons. 1.) Most of my family smokes. I've been around it all my life so I've seen the consequences. It's unattractive. It makes you look older, makes you smell like cigarettes (no matter if you've showered and applied copious amounts of perfume/colonge), it makes EVERYTHING you own smell like cigarettes, it stains your teeth, and lots of other unattractive things including a hacking cough that never goes away. 2.) (And this one is really more important to me) Smoking shortens your life span. It's unhealthy and it will cause a premature death. I want to spend as much time as I can in this life time with my SO.

My SO used to smoke when he was a teenager. He quit several years ago. I made him promise me that he wouldn't pick it back up ever again.

If I was you, I wouldn't compromise on this point. But that's only because I'm so terribly adamant about it. It's really up to you to decide how important it is to you. In your case, his smoking would hurt you severely physically. And even though you're not there now, if you guys are planning to be together at anytime in the future, he should be preparing for that. I know that quitting smoking isn't easy, he won't be able to do it overnight. So he should be trying to quit now.

*shrugs* I don't know if this is at all helpful to you. I wish you luck.

[So_Far_Away]

We compromise on quite a few bits. He hates talking when angry, so if we get in a fight on the phone will hang up without saying goodbye, wait five minutes and then carry on by text. I can't sleep without sorting things and hate it when he hangs up. So we've promised that we will try (that's all you can promise imo) to get better at that. He wont hang up without telling me he's going to hang up and then carry on in five minutes, and I wont get upset by him not wanting to solve things imeadiately.

On smoking though, I would never compromise. I'm not asthmatic at all, but my godmother is very much so, and I have a friend who died from an attack a few years ago. My grandad died from lung cancer because he smoked too much when he was younger (he quit as soon as the doctors told him), my dad smokes and I hate it - he's quit several times but always ends up back there. I refuse to date anyone who smokes. Just my opinion on that bit

[agentholli]

I really don't have anything that I have compromised on yet. Nothing has really come up, so I have no idea what to tell you. I always will never date anyone who smokes. I hate every aspect of smoking. I couldn't kiss someone who smoked..it would disguse me to gagging. I really think he should quite, since you talked about it at the very beginning and he did tell you he was giong to stop.

[lunamea]

That's a touchy subject, whether you're LD or not. A former classmate of mine is engaged to a smoker and she hates it but he won't quit for her. I have issues with my husband because of looks (he shaves his head - I don't like bald men, he shaves his chest/tummy - I think it looks stupid etc.) We've had quite the arguments about such topics and it comes down to where personal choices begin and couple choices end. I leave my hair long because I know my hb likes it that way (and I think I look better with longer hair, too) and I wouldn't want my hb to get a tattoo/piercing without discussing it with me. Then again, that seems kinda controlling to me (or at least that's what my hb tells me...) - I don't know. Truth is, I wouldn't give up a lot of things for my husband and I don't think you should give up things that you enjoy for your partner/family member. There's a time for compromising but there's also a time for sticking to your own opinion.
I've also had this discussion with my mom a lot, because she's diabetic and shouldn't eat a lot of stuff, but she's not sticking to doctor's orders and sometimes eats like a normal, healthy person. I'm really worried about her but then, it is her life and her choice. If she told me she doesn't want me to eat chocolate ever again or take a cab at night when I can ride the bus for much cheaper, I wouldn't do it, because it's my decision. As we've had so many fights about this, my husband is big on making his own decisions without me forcing him into whatever I like better. He does have a point, I guess. Have you ever seen the movie "Leaving Las Vegas"? If you haven't, that won't make any sense, but anyway, the point is, no matter how much you love someone, you can't change that person into someone else or prevent them from harming themselves. Along the same lines, I think you can love someone very much and still refuse to go along with their wishes. One time, my husband asked me if I would dye my hair blonde and I was like "no way!" - I wouldn't do that in a hundred years, not even if he begged. My hb works as a roofer and I'm really worried about him getting hurt/killed on the job, but then I think of all the SOs of police officers or soldiers and I feel really selfish in asking him to change a job he likes because I'd rather have him do something safer.

Of course, your situation is a little different as he is harming you, too. I think it really depends on how that person was when you met them, though. Like my hb had short and then longer hair when I met him and only decided a year ago to shave it off and no asking or begging on my part will change his mind. I have told him that I'm not sure we would be together if he had been bald when I met him (not necessarily because he doesn't look good still - he does look much better with hair, though - but rather because he looks like a thug or nazi and I'm not sure I would've been attracted to him in the same way.) Now, if your bf smoked when you met him, you accepted that part of him and I don't think you have the right to ask him to quit (no matter whether you're there or not, because even if you live with him, I guess he could smoke outdoors). If he wants to quit himself, he will, but I don't think you should ask him to.

Now, the case is different if your SO suddenly develops a habit you can't live with. Like, when we were LD (I'm back home since Saturday), my hb started clubbing every weekend and he knows that if he keeps that up, I'll be gone sooner or later. I think it's oftentimes also about finding the right balance... like, your bf wouldn't have to quit completely, but toning it down would work, too, perhaps. My aunt used to smoke a lot but now she's down to like 4 cigarettes a day.

You might not think so from what I just said, but I'm generally against smoking as well, for reasons stated in the other posts. Moreover, it is a real financial burden - my husband's brother-in-law is a chain smoker and he spends like 250-300 bucks a month on cigarettes!
When I was a kid, my parents both smoked (they both quit when I was a teenager) and so did my uncle (chain-smoker) and aunt. I never even started and neither did my husband (he's the only one of his siblings who doesn't, though!). I'm not against having one or a few cigarettes when going out once in a while, but I hate smoke in our apartment (my hb's brother-in-law and his best friend both smoke in our apartment and I think it's so rude) and also in clubs when going out. Like, I have very long hair and I swear the stench doesn't wash out for a few days! *eww* A lot of my friends smoke, too, and even though it's their decision and I don't mind being around them too much when we meet up, I definitely wouldn't want to live with a smoker.

These are all considerations that come in when you live together more than when you're LD, but what it all boils down to is probably whether you can accept the person you love the way they are.

[hepkitten]

In my situation, I was the smoker. My SO and I had been dating for 2 months ( we began having an LDR after the first month) and during a conversation, he asked me to please quit and gave me his reasons for it, which all made perfect sense and showed how much he cared for my well being. I quit with no problem soon after and I've never looked back. So maybe if you explain to him why and let him know its not just for you, but also because you care about him, then maybe he might come around. My SO and I have been together for almost 2 years now and I haven't smoked a cig since he asked me stop .

[LadyMarchHare]

@5000miles: Unfortunately I've always been this bad. When I was younger I'd be in the ER several nights a week from attacks. When I spent the night at my best friend's (whose parents smoke) I had to bring my inhaler because just being in the house even if they smoked outside caused me to be short of breath. And your reasons are also mine, because I have relatives who've smoked for years and they look, smell, and sound terrible. Mind, most are in their 80s and are chain-smokers, but they look ready to drop dead. I don't want that for him.

My only thought for why he picked it back up is the stress his current job is putting on him. I know people will smoke for the 'comfort', which is I guess all he has after I made him promise not to drink when he's upset since I'd rather not be dating an alcoholic or have his liver flatline one day. Honestly I want to nip this in the bud ASAP but I feel like I'd be making an ass out of myself if I do. I don't want to be the 'controlling psycho girlfriend'.

@So_Far_Away: He's like that too. When he's mad or very upset he won't talk at all and it bothers me because I'm the type that wants to help as much as she can and cheer others up. But I know why he does it so I don't bash, I just wait until he's calm or makes himself available again to address it and do what I can. And yeah, I don't want to date a smoker. I don't think anyone really does, though I'm not sure if a smoker would care if they dated one. I'd rather not die from hugging him all the time, y'know?

@agentholli: Eugh, like licking an ashtray, I've been told. He told me he had, least that's what I remember of the conversation. I'll have to pull it out of my IM Archives. I love AIM for that feature because not only can I read past conversations when I miss him, but it lets me remember things since I have a horrid memory like a goldfish.

@lunamea: I agree, changing yourself completely or drastically with something like clothes, hobbies, or any of that shouldn't be changed. I've known girls who love collecting dolls but their SOs make them sell them before they can move in/get married and that makes me sad because it's a harmless hobby. Now if they have a true phobia then it's understandable. Otherwise it's like me telling him to get rid of his ugly couch when I don't really HAVE to look at it when we're webcamming. It's dumb.

Like I told agentholli I'd look it up and I did, we had the discussion back in early April (we began dating near the end of February) and that was the first time I ever heard of his being a smoker. Not to get into details but he made a joke that I had inspired him to both quit and re-start smoking. I told him he couldn't because I'd die and he said no, he quit for a reason. Which leads me to believe he DID at one point quit for me, I just don't know when it started up again. But like I said I think it's because he's been so stressed and it's his only physical comfort so all the same I'd feel bad about asking him to quit again.

Unfortunately I have a low tolerance for many things, smoking being one, but I wouldn't leave him if he chose to continue. If it's what he honestly wants, I can't stop him, but I would at least ask him to cut back or do it far from me. Ideally I'd like him to stop completely for both of us, but I know it can't always be the case and I can't hate him for wanting to smoke or drink or do anything else I might not really agree with.

@hepkitten: I'm glad you were willing and still willing to not smoke for the both of you. I certainly wouldn't flat out say, "quit right now because I say so!" I'd be out of a boyfriend! Well no, he'd just be mad. He has a day off tomorrow and we're gonna spend it talking, so I'm hoping maybe I can bring up the subject while it's still in immediate memory. This certainly isn't all about me since a relationship means a lot of "me"s become "we"s.

[JoMarie]

I think everyone has to make compromises LD or not, but just keep in mind, quitting a habit isn't easy for everyone. Maybe talk to him again and see what comes up.

[maja]

i quit smoking cigs and weed for him. He absolutely hates it because of his dad and brother (long long story) and so i quit. And in the end its better and healthier for me this way. Its not much of a compromise, i think, and actually to me its neither a sacrifice. Its more of a favour i do him, which isnt at all bad for me. I save money and stay healthier.

[LadyMarchHare]

Well I had a talk with him today about it since the opportunity arose. I didn't ever get to know WHY he started back up, but his excuse was "it's the only way to get a 15 minute break around here", which seems pretty weak to me. I told him essentially I could not stop him, but I reminded him of his saying "I quit for a reason" and reminded him as well that the habit was not only risking his health, but mine quite severely. He wasn't happy but he told me he didn't want to put my life at risk and that he'd quit again. I offered to be his support for it and thanked him but I'm not sure how this'll pan out in the end. Felt I could've dealt with it better, though. I feel bad since it just about turned into an argument but it got said nonetheless and all I ask is that he try for the both of us.

[lunamea]

Well I had a talk with him today about it since the opportunity arose. I didn't ever get to know WHY he started back up, but his excuse was "it's the only way to get a 15 minute break around here", which seems pretty weak to me. I told him essentially I could not stop him, but I reminded him of his saying "I quit for a reason" and reminded him as well that the habit was not only risking his health, but mine quite severely. He wasn't happy but he told me he didn't want to put my life at risk and that he'd quit again. I offered to be his support for it and thanked him but I'm not sure how this'll pan out in the end. Felt I could've dealt with it better, though. I feel bad since it just about turned into an argument but it got said nonetheless and all I ask is that he try for the both of us.

Yeah, I feared that would happen, because that's what happens every single time I only mention not liking something my hb does (that he didn't do when we met.) I also was not aware that you only found out he was a smoker until some time into the relationship or that your asthma is so severe. I'd try to forget about the issue for the time being, though. You've made your point to him and you discussed it, there's nothing more you can do at the moment. I know it's hard because it will still always be on your mind, but bringing it up again will definitely not go over well. Especially if it's not a deal-breaker for you, it'd be best to cross that bridge when you come to it.

[LadyMarchHare]

No, I'm not going to bring it up again unless he does. It still upset me the way he acted, because honestly it's the first thing I've ever asked of him. He took it like I was asking him not to do something petty instead of health-risking.

And yeah, my asthma's very severe. It always has been, I spent most of my childhood in the ER for it, and this was without any outside provocation. I felt like I was playing a dirty hand bringing that up, but it's the main reason, if not one of them since I'd rather he not drop dead from it or end up with cancer or a hole in his throat. I love him to death, but I won't fly out to meet a man whose very presence is going to land me in the hospital. My only hope at this point was he isn't angry with me for that conversation because he tends to avoid the person he's unhappy with for days and I'm already grasping at straws for even a 3 minute text convo every few days what with his work.

[Zephii]

Oh gods yes, we make them all the time - From little stupid things like making sure the water is boiling before the pasta goes in to bigger things like what birth control to use and what country we will be in for what period of time.
When it comes to smoking Obi is very clear - if I were to pick up smoking (or if I even thought of touching recreational drugs) he'd be gone. Lucky I'm fine with that. There are a few professions and religions that are the same for me - If he wanted to join them, I'm gone.
Physically? Looking after yourself in my opinion is just a sign of respect for the other person, and with big things like getting tattoos or piercings we would talk it over with the other person first before doing it. We try and look good for each other as well as ourselves. You can't make everyone happy, but making two people happy isn't so difficult.

I think it's ok to have hard limits and expect some sacrifices and compromises within a relationship. I can't see how any relationship could work without some flexibility

[lunamea]

He took it like I was asking him not to do something petty instead of health-risking.

Is it just me or does this feel a little like a gender issue to you, too? Like, my husband is soo big on doing things his way (supported by his idiot friend who thinks he's hen-pecked) and gets so "macho" about things it's not funny anymore. My mom also says guys have a hard time doing what their gf/wife wants (them) to do. I even read something about that in one of those "men are from Mars, women from Venus" books and the advice they gave there was either to let him have his way or manipulate him into thinking it was actually his idea. It's funny, because I think without even noticing, my hb wants me to do things his way. Just little things like where to feed the cat (he insists on the bathroom, I feed her in the kitchen - the poor thing must be totally confused by now!) or which dentist to go to and I guess I have a hard time doing things his way in general. That is easily explained if you know that for the first years of our relationship, my hb didn't speak the language of the country we live in and had no job and I was literally in total control and made all the decisions. He's getting back at me for that now, though, and reasserting his manhood/decisions every chance he gets, so I think it's good to be more lenient from the start. Even if you don't like it, you don't want him to think you don't respect his decisions in life/hurt his male ego. *sigh* So, kudos to you for not bringing it up again. Personally, I dwell too much and that is really unhealthy for the relationship.

[LadyMarchHare]

@Zephii: I'm not all that assertive most of the time and being so makes me feel like a jerk but you're right, we need to have some things where it's "x happens/you do x and you can expect me to be gone" sort of things because like in my case it could be deadly or the subject could be going against your beliefs so heavily that it would cause more damage were you to stay. It's one of the few things I'm adamant about (beside drugs and heavy drinking) so I won't be budging on the issue. Tough love.

@luneamea: The only experience I have with that is my dad and he was a very controlling, manipulative, and obsessively paranoid person. So basically this is easier on me because I at least feel I get a say even if he's going to pout and be a bit of a baby about it. And that's awful advice to give me, I always want the last word and I don't let up. XD Usually we're good about working things out. I let him handle major issues on his own terms unless I'm involved (then it's pretty much a "get out my way I've got butt to kick!" situation) and I've usually had to bonk him on the head, figuratively, to accept the compromises I make for him. I've never asked much before so I can't say there's a pattern of that with him but I suppose we'll see. I feel so backward with all this, I've never had a relationship so I'm never sure what to do. XD