LDR causing me to act strange...

[hope92]

This is partially me venting, but I would also love to hear your thoughts. I'm new here, and I don't really have anyone to tell this stuff to.

My boyfriend and I are LD for the summer (we are in college & live 3.5 hours away from one another). He came to visit me last weekend, and it was literally perfect. I was actually quite worried about our reunion, I felt that things had changed between us. But when we were finally together again, we were essentially more comfortable than ever being around, and with each other. I did not want to experience any sort of "post-reunion depression", so I haphazardly made non-stop plans beginning the very moment he left. And it worked, temporarily. I was very content with life and how things were going, and we even held off on extensive conversation until Wednesday (we usually Skype/talk on the phone every other day). When we finally did talk, we discussed and planned his next visit, and I was still in a great mood. But then the next day happened (yesterday), and this has really been one of my lowest points yet. It's like I had a "post-reunion high" rather than a depression, and now it has completely fizzled out leaving me feeling hopeless.

I feel sad for many different reasons. For one, I feel closest to him than I do to anyone else. But for some reason, I have trouble telling him how I really feel over Skype, or the phone. I did not express my feelings toward our LDR situation during his visit, because, for one, I was too happy, and two, I didn't want to ruin our weekend by telling him how much I really was/am struggling with this. And he gets upset with me when I refuse to tell him my feelings, which is what I did last night on Skype. But I have read so many LDR tips that say to keep a positive attitude, and that bringing up something that your partner cannot change will only worsen the situation (ie. the distance between us). I'm also afraid to bring up these feelings because I'm sure that I'll cry. We have actually cried together before, but I know that if I cry over Skype, it will make him sad, and I don't want that.

For two, we shared an extremely intimate weekend together. We went farther (sexually) than we ever have before. It was a very intense weekend. Whenever we are apart, sometimes he only feels like a friend. We'll say "I love you" once a day, rather than constantly throughout the day. And to me, that makes it seem like a routine or habit, rather than a feeling. We never, ever discuss sex, kissing, or even flirt when we're not together. We are both innocent and slightly reserved people...but our passion is so nonexistent over Skype, phone, text. He still compliments me, and he's completely sweet, but I miss our passion.

And finally, I don't know if this is normal, but it's almost as if I try and enhance my unhappiness due to our separation. He is a lot busier than I am as he has a 7 to 5 job. I have no job, but I do have several different groups of friends. Unfortunately, I usually have nothing to do while he is at work, and my friends and I always have plans at night. I find myself texting him while I'm with my friends, cutting my time short with friends to go home and Skype. And sometimes I'll even leave out altogether that I was hanging with friends. And then we'll Skype, I'll act like I am always bored and never have anything to do. I don't know if I do it for attention or what!

I feel like it's time for me to not be so dependent upon him. If I'm hanging with friends, maybe I should just wait to text him until I'm home. And postpone Skype dates if I have to. I have read so many LDR tips about having your own life, and it's lame but...I am very much struggling with that aspect. I make a lot of plans, but I never feel truly happy. And I am evidently a terrible actress...it's to the point where I can no longer fake it anymore.

Any advice, or thoughts, or anything?

[Sharon Q]

LDR's can be stressful when they first start. I really think you should talk to him about how you feel Yes it may make him sad but it will only get worse. If you don't discuss matters nothing will get fixed.

As far as leaving your friends to skype/talk to him I think its safe to say we've all done that sometime or another. However doing that constantly can become unhealthy. You are supposed to have friends and time with them and time to yourself.

If you don't feel busy enough maybe finding a job to help peroccupy your time would help. It would also help you earn money for future visits so that when he comes to see you the two of you can go to movies and things of that nature.

I had a job when My SO and I started off long distance. It helped a lot. I had also earned money to see him for winter break.

I get the feeling of distance, we all do. It's different when that person isnt there anymore. But browse this site for ideas tips, games, we have all kinds of things here that will help you with reconnecting.

I hope some of this helped PM me if you would ever like to talk.

[sewbama]

Yea, telling him how you feel will make him sad. But talking about it can make you feel better, and I'm sure he'll happily bear the sadness so you can get to happy. More than anything, it's important to communicate with each other. So stop thinking about all the little things that you read, and just be you. If you want to tell him how you feel, do it!

Also, for reserved people, it's easy to feel disconnected sexually when you can't physically express that. But you don't have to change who you are. If you want to bring some passion, do it. Flirt a little. Tell him you miss having him close. Or you could just tell him you miss the passion you have when you are together, and want to try to bring a bit back in.

I think it's really important to have your own life, and I think acting like you were bored all night when you were actually with your friends is not healthy. Maybe not every night, but once a week just tell him you're out and give yourself permission to relax. Definitely don't fake it. If you aren't enjoying going out with friends, don't. If you feel sad, be sad. And share it with him. That's what love and intimacy are about -- being able to be exactly you and completely vulnerable without fear.

Developing a hobby is a good way to keep yourself busy during the day. Usually better than going out with friends because you can truly express yourself and be exactly what you want. If you don't feel like doing it, you don't have to. Teach yourself something new, read a book, exercise, volunteer somewhere. There are tons of things you can do. Just do what you are interested in.

[hope92]

Thanks for your reply.

I really would like to get a job to fill my time, but very few (if any) places around here are willing to hire just for the summer. And if I were to get a job, with my luck, I would get scheduled to work on the weekend he plans to visit, or on his birthday weekend when I plan to visit him.

I guess I am avoiding this discussion with him because he isn't really doing anything wrong. I feel like my sadness is really just coming out of my insecurities. We have texted a lot less than normal (just a few very short texts each day) since our last Skype talk in which I wasn't very open with how I was feeling. We also haven't said "I love you" since then either. I shouldn't be worried, I'm probably just overthinking things...

And then there's his social life on the weekends. He's been going to a lot of parties lately, where there are both girls and guys. I really do trust him, but that doesn't mean I'm not jealous. During his visit, he told me he had not yet stayed up past midnight or so since summer began because of his hectic work schedule. He was tired during his visit, so we went to sleep before then. But last night, I can almost guarantee that he has stayed out later than that, and he will tonight as well. I'm glad that he's having fun, but...does this mean he's having more fun with them than he did with me? Why couldn't he have just stayed up late with me?

I don't know why I'm acting this way. I have never felt this insecure before, and I don't like feeling high-maintenance...