(*posted as a blog entry, also) Hello everyone,
Things were wrapping up with work for the year and I have had this hideous, 3 and a half week flu thing. I really want to respond to all the advice and posts (there were some really useful ones I didn't yet reply to) in the previous thread I had about my boyfriend moving to Amsterdam (i.e., increasing the distance on a possibly permanent basis) and maybe sometime soon I will (I went into a denial mode for awhile that seemed to help me get on with my life).
I am here to write an update about the situation, though, and maybe this will suffice as a response. Yes, he is still moving to Amsterdam at the end of July. Things are starting to seem very real now, as he has just sold his car and is having goodbye parties at work and such. Yes, I was in denial and didn't want to deal with the idea for awhile. I still don't, but it seems I will be forced to. I absent-mindedly wished him a happy last day of work (at his old job) tomorrow and his voice positively glowed. I guess that is a good thing and I should want to make him feel happy, but really he has everyone and everything else stroking his ego right now...so why does he seem to yearn for me to tell him it's the right decision? Maybe it's the right decision for his career right now, but I will never say it is the right decision for our relationship. I just can't do that, when I know it's not. Sometimes I feel like he expects everything from me emotionally and doesn't want to give back in the same way. I have no idea what is really going to happen when he moves to Amsterdam. Yes, we have said we will stay together and continue with long-distance with the hope of continuing to visit each other (I have never been to Europe, so that, in itself, would be very exciting). For the short term, that sounds okay. In the long term, though, I don't want to wake up in a few years' time, at 30, still planning far between visits with a guy that will never fully commit. I want to stay with him for now, but, by keeping things going, am I selling myself short?
In the more immediate sense, I could use some advice. He is coming to visit me on Wednesday for a little over a week. He has basically planned and paid for the whole vacation and there look to be some really cool things to do together. I am excited in the sense that I desperately need a change and a vacation, as well as some time away from living with my family and the stresses of work, plus I will be with someone of my own age! I'm sad to say, though, that as the date draws closer...I'm less and less excited to see him. I have this protective wall up that says, "what's the point?" or family that says (and I can't help but agree) that I "deserve better" and that he is wanting to have his fun with me as a last send off to his ride into the sunset.
How should I behave on this visit? It has been since last August since we have seen each other in-person; a struggle with weight gain from being unwell and stressed is one of my worries, but seems it seems minor when I worry that I might lapse into some deep depression after he goes on his merry way. We can't just go back to how we were. However, I don't want to just act as friends or spend the whole time feeling awkward and angry. All these big fights we had were on the phone, so I haven't actually seen him tell me that he is leaving (it may sound silly, but that feels really important to me). Do we talk about the future of our relationship and how we hope to make things work from further away? Or, do we resolve just to have fun and deal with it later? Either way, it could lead to a blow out and hard feelings (it seems there isn't much of a middle ground between tackling things head-on, while we can, or bottling everything up and not discussing where we go from here). How do we interact physically? I have actually made a vow to myself that I will take it slowly on the physical side of things and maybe not sleep with him. He was my first and there is a big tangle of emotions around that, also. I don't want to put myself in a position to feel more vulnerable and sad. Yet, I also know how important physicality is (I do think that part of our relationship difficulties lately have been that we haven't been around each other, even to hold hands, in nearly a year).
Thoughts, anyone? I know this is a little time sensitive now, since I will be seeing him well...tomorrow, now, I guess (1:40am Tuesday).
Things were wrapping up with work for the year and I have had this hideous, 3 and a half week flu thing. I really want to respond to all the advice and posts (there were some really useful ones I didn't yet reply to) in the previous thread I had about my boyfriend moving to Amsterdam (i.e., increasing the distance on a possibly permanent basis) and maybe sometime soon I will (I went into a denial mode for awhile that seemed to help me get on with my life).
I am here to write an update about the situation, though, and maybe this will suffice as a response. Yes, he is still moving to Amsterdam at the end of July. Things are starting to seem very real now, as he has just sold his car and is having goodbye parties at work and such. Yes, I was in denial and didn't want to deal with the idea for awhile. I still don't, but it seems I will be forced to. I absent-mindedly wished him a happy last day of work (at his old job) tomorrow and his voice positively glowed. I guess that is a good thing and I should want to make him feel happy, but really he has everyone and everything else stroking his ego right now...so why does he seem to yearn for me to tell him it's the right decision? Maybe it's the right decision for his career right now, but I will never say it is the right decision for our relationship. I just can't do that, when I know it's not. Sometimes I feel like he expects everything from me emotionally and doesn't want to give back in the same way. I have no idea what is really going to happen when he moves to Amsterdam. Yes, we have said we will stay together and continue with long-distance with the hope of continuing to visit each other (I have never been to Europe, so that, in itself, would be very exciting). For the short term, that sounds okay. In the long term, though, I don't want to wake up in a few years' time, at 30, still planning far between visits with a guy that will never fully commit. I want to stay with him for now, but, by keeping things going, am I selling myself short?
In the more immediate sense, I could use some advice. He is coming to visit me on Wednesday for a little over a week. He has basically planned and paid for the whole vacation and there look to be some really cool things to do together. I am excited in the sense that I desperately need a change and a vacation, as well as some time away from living with my family and the stresses of work, plus I will be with someone of my own age! I'm sad to say, though, that as the date draws closer...I'm less and less excited to see him. I have this protective wall up that says, "what's the point?" or family that says (and I can't help but agree) that I "deserve better" and that he is wanting to have his fun with me as a last send off to his ride into the sunset.
How should I behave on this visit? It has been since last August since we have seen each other in-person; a struggle with weight gain from being unwell and stressed is one of my worries, but seems it seems minor when I worry that I might lapse into some deep depression after he goes on his merry way. We can't just go back to how we were. However, I don't want to just act as friends or spend the whole time feeling awkward and angry. All these big fights we had were on the phone, so I haven't actually seen him tell me that he is leaving (it may sound silly, but that feels really important to me). Do we talk about the future of our relationship and how we hope to make things work from further away? Or, do we resolve just to have fun and deal with it later? Either way, it could lead to a blow out and hard feelings (it seems there isn't much of a middle ground between tackling things head-on, while we can, or bottling everything up and not discussing where we go from here). How do we interact physically? I have actually made a vow to myself that I will take it slowly on the physical side of things and maybe not sleep with him. He was my first and there is a big tangle of emotions around that, also. I don't want to put myself in a position to feel more vulnerable and sad. Yet, I also know how important physicality is (I do think that part of our relationship difficulties lately have been that we haven't been around each other, even to hold hands, in nearly a year).
Thoughts, anyone? I know this is a little time sensitive now, since I will be seeing him well...tomorrow, now, I guess (1:40am Tuesday).
Well, I have to say Holland has never been on my radar as a top destination, but I am sure it has many charms. I think the top of my list would be a tie between England and Italy. I do have some awesome university friends scattered around Europe, so it would be very nice to see them. Yet, that reminds me that now my SO has announced he will be moving there on Facebook, he seems to have these gorgeous, tall-looking, Amsterdam girls popping out of the woodwork and already arranging to hang out with him. That makes me feel jealous and insecure! I guess I would just like him to say that they are his friends from an exchange there he went on and nothing more...but he seems not to say anything about these sudden friends I never knew he had. :S Should I ask him?
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