Never been so mad in my life.
He told me yesterday that he cheated on me. He cheated on me. He fucking cheating on me!! He met this girl a little over a month ago, someone he had this "instant bond" with like he had with me when we first met. He kept hanging out with her 'cause she was friends with people in his group (that's how they met, was through them). Before he knew it, he had feelings for her. Now it's all making sense. Him making us take a break so he can "figure himself out" and "figure out what he wants." He put me through that agony so he could figure out if he truly liked this girl?? And he found out he did!! If he thought he might be developing feelings for this girl, he should've cut off contact with her 'cause that meant she was a threat to our relationship!!
After EVERYTHING I've done for him, all the money my family & I spent to come see him, the past year (longer actually) that I've spent with him, all the work and effort I put into this relationship, dealing with him pushing me away and growing distant from me, putting up with feeling like he didn't love me as much as before, and dealing with that fucking break...ALL OF THAT, I did for HIM. And this is how he fucking repays me??!! All the CRAP he gave me about going out with my male friends (only friends I have are guys, I don't like hanging out with girls for personal reasons), practically accusing me of cheating on him with them (he'd been cheated on twice before me), and he was out doing that very thing!! I cut out my social life for him, meaning I didn't see my guy friends anymore for him 'cause it made him uncomfortable, yet he was out pursuing feelings for someone else!! God I've never wanted to slap someone so much in my life. I just don't even know what to think right now. I'm still in shock. Outraged. Confused. Hurt. Angry. Sad. Depressed. Did I mention ANGRY.
The weird thing is, I had a feeling I knew what he was about to tell me...I had my suspicions for a couple weeks, but I didn't let myself believe it. Part of the reason why I didn't walk away and dump him right then was 'cause since I had a feeling for a couple weeks that he was cheating on me, I prepared myself for it. I was too scared to say anything about it, especially when I didn't have any proof and he's so defensive that it doesn't take a whole lot for us to have an argument. But I had a feeling...and what do you know, I was right. But I had prepared myself.
I didn't know how to react...out of the 2 of us, he was the one crying. I've cried since, but not much. I'm just too angry right now. I didn't know what to do or how to handle this situation, but I've made my decision (which may or may not change in the future, but it's my decision for now): I'm not gonna leave him. I have my reasons, but a break-up just didn't feel like the right thing to do, to me personally. It may be how most people would react, but not me. I feel like a break-up would just hurt us both even more than we already are. That's just me. Y'all may think I'm crazy and stupid for staying with someone who's hurt me this bad, but I'm doing what I think I should do. If staying with him ends up being a mistake, I'll find out for myself. But for right now, I'm doing what I think is best...and that's not walking away because one of us made a mistake...no matter how big that mistake was. Now if he does it again, then yes I'm gone. And I made sure he knows it. He's cutting of contact with her, spending more time with me, and he took her off Facebook. 'Til I say otherwise, she's not in his life.
I could tell by looking in his eyes that he did not mean to hurt me...that he's truly sorry...but I can't trust him right now. I can't even say I fully trust that he'll stay away from her, but I'm giving him ONE more chance. One. He blows it, I'm gone. Simply put.
I've also been trying to look at the most positive aspect of things lately, to help my depression. And one thing did help me feel a little better, and also helped me stay: it never got physical (as far as I know). It was an emotional affair. It's still an affair nonetheless, I know; but I am glad it didn't go beyond that. That would've made it hurt a lot more.
After EVERYTHING I've done for him, all the money my family & I spent to come see him, the past year (longer actually) that I've spent with him, all the work and effort I put into this relationship, dealing with him pushing me away and growing distant from me, putting up with feeling like he didn't love me as much as before, and dealing with that fucking break...ALL OF THAT, I did for HIM. And this is how he fucking repays me??!! All the CRAP he gave me about going out with my male friends (only friends I have are guys, I don't like hanging out with girls for personal reasons), practically accusing me of cheating on him with them (he'd been cheated on twice before me), and he was out doing that very thing!! I cut out my social life for him, meaning I didn't see my guy friends anymore for him 'cause it made him uncomfortable, yet he was out pursuing feelings for someone else!! God I've never wanted to slap someone so much in my life. I just don't even know what to think right now. I'm still in shock. Outraged. Confused. Hurt. Angry. Sad. Depressed. Did I mention ANGRY.
The weird thing is, I had a feeling I knew what he was about to tell me...I had my suspicions for a couple weeks, but I didn't let myself believe it. Part of the reason why I didn't walk away and dump him right then was 'cause since I had a feeling for a couple weeks that he was cheating on me, I prepared myself for it. I was too scared to say anything about it, especially when I didn't have any proof and he's so defensive that it doesn't take a whole lot for us to have an argument. But I had a feeling...and what do you know, I was right. But I had prepared myself.
I didn't know how to react...out of the 2 of us, he was the one crying. I've cried since, but not much. I'm just too angry right now. I didn't know what to do or how to handle this situation, but I've made my decision (which may or may not change in the future, but it's my decision for now): I'm not gonna leave him. I have my reasons, but a break-up just didn't feel like the right thing to do, to me personally. It may be how most people would react, but not me. I feel like a break-up would just hurt us both even more than we already are. That's just me. Y'all may think I'm crazy and stupid for staying with someone who's hurt me this bad, but I'm doing what I think I should do. If staying with him ends up being a mistake, I'll find out for myself. But for right now, I'm doing what I think is best...and that's not walking away because one of us made a mistake...no matter how big that mistake was. Now if he does it again, then yes I'm gone. And I made sure he knows it. He's cutting of contact with her, spending more time with me, and he took her off Facebook. 'Til I say otherwise, she's not in his life.
I could tell by looking in his eyes that he did not mean to hurt me...that he's truly sorry...but I can't trust him right now. I can't even say I fully trust that he'll stay away from her, but I'm giving him ONE more chance. One. He blows it, I'm gone. Simply put.
I've also been trying to look at the most positive aspect of things lately, to help my depression. And one thing did help me feel a little better, and also helped me stay: it never got physical (as far as I know). It was an emotional affair. It's still an affair nonetheless, I know; but I am glad it didn't go beyond that. That would've made it hurt a lot more.
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