SO's female 'friend' - PLEASE HELP!!!

[littleblue]

Haven't posted on here for a while, but I really would love some advice from you guys!

Ok, so this is the situation. (sorry if its really long!)

I've been with my BF for coming up to two years, he moved back home to work for 3 months in December, which then became 4 months, then 6, then 8 and now 9....

Thing is, for the whole of our relationship together, there has been a number of issues with one of his best female friends (who is from back home, where he is now). She started completely ignoring him soon after we got together, and when he moved back, she was telling everyone that she no longer wants anything to do with him etc etc...

This was around February time, and since then, I hadn't heard anything about her, until last week, when my boyfriend text me when he was out, saying her new boyfriend confronted him and told him to stay away from her and never speak to her again... because it upset her.

My boyfriend then went on to say that he thought they had sorted things out. First I'd heard anything about them sorting anything out...

And THEN I had a brainwave: She's acting like a jealous ex, and so I asked him if they had ever dated, and he said yes, for a couple of months, but didn't think it was important to mention. turns out this ended a month or so before we got together.

There are a few things that bother me here:

Also, he doesn't have a problem with mentioning other relationships, such as this little gem which he mentioned yesterday: "My new boss started work today, I went out with his daughter for a week 12 years ago". ....Because its REAAALLY important I know that????

And the thing that bothers me the most: We have talked through her issues with him countless times, for hours. He allowed me to pass judgement and comment on the situation. I said months ago that it sounded like she had feelings for him, and he mentioned nothing.

Please, I would really really appreciate any advice, because I don't know if I'm just overreacting and being ridiculously jealous, or if this is all actually a little bit strange??

[digitalfever]

I don’t have much advice but my gut is telling me he probably dumped her in a less than favorable way and it hurt her. Is that important? To her and her ex boyfriend it probably is. But unless your boyfriend is mack daddying it up I would just leave it all where it is. In the past!

[nicole]

My SO once had one certain girl "friend" from back in his home down, there was drama over her jealousy, and when I told him I felt so guilty because they weren't friends anymore, he finally told me they'd dated for a couple of years in High school. I was pretty livid as you might imagine. I just felt so lied too, and upset he'd deliberately kept something from me. It took a lot for me to let it go and accept he wasn't keeping anything else from me. If it is bothering you, and think it will continue to bother you, maybe you should just ask him to lay all of his cards relating to her on the table. Don't get mad or confrontational, just ask what is going on.

I personally believe I don't need to know all the details of my partner's dating history, but if it is effecting your relationship in the present, then you need to know, or it will blow up eventually, especially when she seems to be very confrontational towards your boyfriend.

[pretty ll vacant]

Part of me thinks maybe he didn't mention it because he knew it would upset you and didn't want to do that? Or didn't exactly know how to tell you without you getting upset? Safe guarding the ones you love type deal, you know. I totally agree with digitalfever though, leave it in the past where it belongs because it happened[emphasis on the past tense there.], and there isn't anything anybody can do about it except keep moving forward. If not, this could end up being the start to other trust related issues. She should get over it and stop being so booty hurt because obviously she has her own man now. Look at it in a positive way, they definitely won't be in contact now.

[littleblue]

Thanks for the advice guys,

i talked to him about it and found there's a lot more to it than there seemed. they broke it off on less than amicable terms, and she clearly harbours alot of anger towards him from that.

I'm not one to get hung up on the past, and it actually doesn't bother me that they were seeing each other before we got together. The thing i'm struggling with is his dishonesty: He knew the reasons she was angry with him, but didn't tell me, and instead chose to talk to me about it for HOURS without disclosing this information. I wish he's been honest with me over this - i really would have been ok with it that way.

He said he knows he's in the wrong so I guess I'll try and move on from that and make sure he grovels a hell of a lot first!!

[nicole]

Glad it's all been aired out Now hopefully you guys can just put it all behind you and move on. I hope she can too!

[digitalfever]

That's really great! Glad to hear you guys talked about it

[USCtrojangirl]

I was in a very similar situation with my BF when we started dating, and eventually it snowballed from a few small questions like you're having to a fairly divisive issue we fought about for over a year.

A quick recap of my situation is that my BF had an ex who he referred to as his best friend (we'll call her G)... they had secretly dated for about 4 months before she broke up with him and then he began dating me a few months later. Additionally, he had cheated on his previous girlfriend of 5 years (let's call her A) with G for about 2 of the 5 years they were together... didn't know that either. The first few months my BF and I were dating, this "best friend" G was always overtly hostile to me in a way none of his other friends were. When she would come over to his apartment to hang out with their group of friends, he would explicitly ask me not to come over. At a certain point I started feeling paranoid and jealous, although I wasn't sure exactly why... until one day about 6 months into our relationship, he left his laptop open and went to the bathroom and a Facebook chat popped up... with a LOOOONG string of flirtatious (and some sexually explicit) messages from her. He hadn't responded to them... but still, pretty shady right? He later admitted that she had offered to... get with him, let's say, and said that he didn't even need to break up with me, I didn't have to know... I trust that he never did, and he explained that he had tried to hide that aspect of their relationship to keep from hurting me or making me unnecessarily jealous, because the mistakes he had made with A were not ones that he intended to repeat with me, yadda yadda... ANYWAY... back to the part that's actually relevant to your situation

Let's just skip over the ensuing drama in my story and say that the end of the story was, he never cheated, but hiding that aspect of their relationship from me was NOT okay. Eventually the only solution to the problem was that I asked him to choose-his friendship with her, or his relationship with me. The distrust caused such a rift that we couldn't proceed otherwise. I had even spoken to this girl privately several times and asked her to stop encroaching on my relationship and being disrespectful to me, but she couldn't separate her friendship from her romantic past with him. Now that she is no longer a part of his/our lives, I have been able to build back my trust in him.

I don't think you are overreacting or being ridiculously jealous (or maybe I was too and I just sympathize). I would suggest you have a VERY clear and firm conversation with your boy and say that secrets and lies (even ones of omission) have no place in a healthy relationship... Frankly, long distance relationships are hard enough. You miss so much when you live in separate places, so he can't deliberately NOT tell you important stuff like this. I think you have a right to know.

I really hope you two can work it out! Message me if you'd like to discuss it more in depth