Not sure if he's being lazy, or just doesn't care...

[laura95]

Me & my boyfriend are both due to go to university next year (september 2013) so we've already started looking at places & courses, ready to apply in the autumn. Obviously it's still a year away, but a lot of forward planning is involved so we can't just sit back & forget about it for a while. It's something we need to think about a lot right now.

Now I completely understand that I can't totally base my university choice on him. It's not a decision I can take lightly, my degree needs to be a high priority. But my boyfriend still needs to be taken into consideration (or so I think anyway). We're in a serious relationship - 3 and a half years already so I'm fully expecting to still be with him by the time university comes around in a year. I'm fully prepared to be at a different university to him, (we're not looking at any of the same ones anyway). However, I'd still like to settle on a uni in a city that's no further away than the distance between us now, & with good rail links to travel to visit both him & home. With this in mind, I've found the perfect university. Cheap rail links to both home & the region he's considering staying in, & a great course at a highly regarded university in a great city. There'd be no sacrifices to my degree, with the added bonus that it's both cheap & convenient to travel to see him. When I found this out, I thought great! So when I was last on the phone with him, I thought I'd let him know. Big mistake...

Whenever I talk about university to him in terms of being in a convenient place to visit him, he gets really mad at me. He doesn't seem to want me to take him into consideration. He thinks I'm clever so should forget about wherever he is completely & just think about my degree. The thing is, I don't know whether he's really that concerned about my education, or he just doesn't care about seeing me anymore. He's never once talked to me about taking me into consideration with his uni choice in any way shape or form. It's as if he thinks everything's just going to fall into place & in his words "don't worry we'll be fine" but it won't be unless we put the effort in & make it work! It's going to be for 3 years for goodness sake! I want to take everything into consideration when I go to university. My degree is equally as important as seeing him & my family - I won't be happy if I can't. If I'm not happy, I won't do well in my degree. Simple.

I'm not a stupid person, I'm trying to find the right balance between everything. Yet he doesn't seem to care about whether it's easy to see each other or not. It's getting me really down now cause I can't help but think whether he just isn't bothered about seeing me. And if not, what hope does our relationship have. I feel like I'm the only one forward planning, yet he thinks it's just all going to fall into place & it won't! I'll talk to him properly about this when I next see him in a few weeks time, but I just wanted everyone elses opinion on the matter. I don't think I'm wrong taking him into consideration, I mean he's my boyfriend of 3 & a half years! But maybe I'm wrong. What do you all think?

[Zephii]

I think he's just scared.

From what I hear the transition from school to uni is a big one. And there's moving out of home too, which is stressful for a lot of people.

The idea of not only taking those big steps but planning them with the needs and feelings of another in mind shows a lot of maturity. And it smells a lot like responsibility and commitment. That's terrifying for some people. It's possible right now he feels bad because he either wants to be selfish and not think of how it'll effect his family and you (and thus thinks you should do the same) or he simply can't wrap his head around how to plan something like that, feels threatened or not good enough, and then gets angry.

All you can do is tell him how you feel - without any fluff. Break it down into one sentence that starts with "I feel.." (Rather than "you...") and let him absorb it.

[Sora1101]

I'm starting college in August so I know how stressful all of it is, it's a big deal and a ton of responsibility which maybe you're ready for but your SO might just want to forget about it for awhile longer, it is a whole year away after all you can both afford a few more months of ignorant bliss. That said, and I hate to say this but I've known a lot of people who this has happened to recently, your SO might be thinking of ending the relationship once college rolls around, you've already been together for three years and that's wonderful, but a lot of things change when high school is over. You're finally away from home, you get to make your own choices and you're surrounded with tons of new people. And your SO might want to experience some of that not tied down, it would explain why he doesn't like to talk about it with you, and why he's pushing you to only think about good colleges for your major, he doesn't want to feel guilty if you choose a school just to be closer to him. I know it's a horrible thought but like I've said I've known a lot of couples who have broken up recently because their SO's want to experience college life on their own.

You should ask him about it, tell him you'd understand if he is feeling that way, after all people always say high school relationships don't last, but you don't want to be shut out because of it, ask him to talk about what he's worried about and help him understand that you'll be there for him if he chooses to take a break for awhile to get the whole "college experience" out of his system. Hopefully I'm dead wrong but I thought I should at least bring up the possibility so you aren't blindsided.