Hello LFADers,
Well, my whirlwind vacation with my SO (before he leaves for his new job in Amsterdam) ended on Wednesday. My emotions are all over the place. Other than a few hiccups on the vacation (I was really made that my shoe broke and he made me walk really fast, anyway, so that we would make the play we were attending and then he drove me really far out of our way to visit a friend of mine who is ill and she couldn't see me even for a minute for a hug and to take my flowers), the vacation was very fun. We packed it full of great things to do and stuff I don't often get to do because I can't afford it. We took lots of pictures, were able to have that physical intimacy of even just holding hands (that was so sorely lacking for a long time), and my weight insecurities mostly vanished (they were still there, but it didn't seem like he was less attracted to me or anything--I wish I had let him come and visit sooner...maybe things would have turned out differently).
I tried to keep things light for both of us, so we could have some really positive memories. That worked out well, in some ways. On the last night I couldn't help crying and then the day he was saying goodbye to me, I was also crying. When I cried during the night-time occasion, he didn't seem to know what to say to me. He just wanted to hold me and also squeaked out something like "please don't do this right now." Which rather infuriated me. He should be able to witness, first hand, that I am not happy about his move and I don't have to be. The next day, we did some activities...but were both blue (and grumpy from lack of sleep) and when it came time to say goodbye, he had to drop me off at my Oma's house...so he was in rather a hurry to get the car back and get to the airport. We hugged and kissed and he did offer the words, several times; "we can make it work" and "I love you." I could barely look him in the eye, though. I didn't wanted to part on good terms and I want to make things work too. Yet, when he added "This was such a fun adventure. On our next vacation/ adventure, let's stay put in one place and maybe go to Hawaii or something." Of course, I agreed that that sounds nice, but I also said "...but I don't always want vacations, visits, and adventures...I want something where we are together more....permanently." To which he didn't make a response, other than a later "I love you."
After that, he had to fly to Chicago to do his immigration papers at the Dutch consulate and then back home for a going away party (yesterday). He did phone me in Chicago and I felt gloomy (not just about him, but there are some big battles going on in our family right now over inheritance that are really destructive and I, unfortunately, stepped right into them at my Oma's house). He did say he missed me and he felt lonely looking around in Chicago without me. After that, I got some texts...but I heard nothing from him when he had his party. Okay, I wasn't expecting a phone call, but he said nothing to me all day. That was hard to go from being around each other 24/7 and, without warning, not to hear from him at all. I thought he would have texted something like "having nice time at party, wish you were here"...or something. I think it is much hard to be the one left behind, if it can be put like that.
Where do we go from here? I have no idea! You see, by keeping things light and happy together...we barely talked about him leaving or even acknowledged it. I only know that he leaves around July 25 or 26th, because my parents asked him questions! When he first arrived, he gave me some presents: a collectable spoon with little Dutch shoes on the end, tea from a place in Amsterdam, and a framed, antique map of Amsterdam. Well, all very nice gifts, but 1) I had this sneaking feeling like they were meant for his mom (who is from there and I have some vague memory of him mentioning the picture and the tea before) and were re-gifted to me, and 2) No, he didn't have to give me any gifts...but I thought that they would be more about us and not all about Amsterdam. I knew the picture was a...well, picture and I thought it might have been of us together. The gifts he gave should have been sent in a care package later, to get me interested in going there...but, right now, it should be about he and I. I was gracious about the gifts, but not overly excited. So, gifts aside, I really feel like I don't know much about this whole thing...I don't know where he is living, how we will contact each other, how often we will be able to talk, if his increase in a relocation allowance can actually even be used for us to visit each other, how long he has signed on there for....nothing. I guess there are a few he is unsure of himself, but he could give me a general idea. I feel like I am in the dark again and that was one of the things that was so hurtful when he told me about this job/ move, in the first place.
Every day, I have been crying a little...but I am trying to keep as up as I can, otherwise I won't be able to function. Surely, though, he can't expect that we go on "visiting" forever. On the first night I was crying, I went and got a tissue and then I heard him rummage around in his suitcase. When I returned, he was holding me in bed and it seemed like he was fiddling with something in his fingers. I thought it was an engagement ring for a a brief moment! D: I feel so silly...
One somewhat minor, but immediate thing is the collection of photos from this trip. I usually take some concentrated time to go through and edit and post them and do it gladly, but this time I think it might make me feel really sad. I don't want to drag it on and feel sad looking through them for longer, if I wait. Yet, I want the photos to be a reminder of good times and "us" for him...when should I work on them and post them? I feel like they will be lost in the fray if I post them right when he gets to Amsterdam, but if I do it before then...they won't quite serve as the reminder I want them to.
Anyway, I would love to have your thoughts, suggestions, etc.
Well, my whirlwind vacation with my SO (before he leaves for his new job in Amsterdam) ended on Wednesday. My emotions are all over the place. Other than a few hiccups on the vacation (I was really made that my shoe broke and he made me walk really fast, anyway, so that we would make the play we were attending and then he drove me really far out of our way to visit a friend of mine who is ill and she couldn't see me even for a minute for a hug and to take my flowers), the vacation was very fun. We packed it full of great things to do and stuff I don't often get to do because I can't afford it. We took lots of pictures, were able to have that physical intimacy of even just holding hands (that was so sorely lacking for a long time), and my weight insecurities mostly vanished (they were still there, but it didn't seem like he was less attracted to me or anything--I wish I had let him come and visit sooner...maybe things would have turned out differently).
I tried to keep things light for both of us, so we could have some really positive memories. That worked out well, in some ways. On the last night I couldn't help crying and then the day he was saying goodbye to me, I was also crying. When I cried during the night-time occasion, he didn't seem to know what to say to me. He just wanted to hold me and also squeaked out something like "please don't do this right now." Which rather infuriated me. He should be able to witness, first hand, that I am not happy about his move and I don't have to be. The next day, we did some activities...but were both blue (and grumpy from lack of sleep) and when it came time to say goodbye, he had to drop me off at my Oma's house...so he was in rather a hurry to get the car back and get to the airport. We hugged and kissed and he did offer the words, several times; "we can make it work" and "I love you." I could barely look him in the eye, though. I didn't wanted to part on good terms and I want to make things work too. Yet, when he added "This was such a fun adventure. On our next vacation/ adventure, let's stay put in one place and maybe go to Hawaii or something." Of course, I agreed that that sounds nice, but I also said "...but I don't always want vacations, visits, and adventures...I want something where we are together more....permanently." To which he didn't make a response, other than a later "I love you."
After that, he had to fly to Chicago to do his immigration papers at the Dutch consulate and then back home for a going away party (yesterday). He did phone me in Chicago and I felt gloomy (not just about him, but there are some big battles going on in our family right now over inheritance that are really destructive and I, unfortunately, stepped right into them at my Oma's house). He did say he missed me and he felt lonely looking around in Chicago without me. After that, I got some texts...but I heard nothing from him when he had his party. Okay, I wasn't expecting a phone call, but he said nothing to me all day. That was hard to go from being around each other 24/7 and, without warning, not to hear from him at all. I thought he would have texted something like "having nice time at party, wish you were here"...or something. I think it is much hard to be the one left behind, if it can be put like that.
Where do we go from here? I have no idea! You see, by keeping things light and happy together...we barely talked about him leaving or even acknowledged it. I only know that he leaves around July 25 or 26th, because my parents asked him questions! When he first arrived, he gave me some presents: a collectable spoon with little Dutch shoes on the end, tea from a place in Amsterdam, and a framed, antique map of Amsterdam. Well, all very nice gifts, but 1) I had this sneaking feeling like they were meant for his mom (who is from there and I have some vague memory of him mentioning the picture and the tea before) and were re-gifted to me, and 2) No, he didn't have to give me any gifts...but I thought that they would be more about us and not all about Amsterdam. I knew the picture was a...well, picture and I thought it might have been of us together. The gifts he gave should have been sent in a care package later, to get me interested in going there...but, right now, it should be about he and I. I was gracious about the gifts, but not overly excited. So, gifts aside, I really feel like I don't know much about this whole thing...I don't know where he is living, how we will contact each other, how often we will be able to talk, if his increase in a relocation allowance can actually even be used for us to visit each other, how long he has signed on there for....nothing. I guess there are a few he is unsure of himself, but he could give me a general idea. I feel like I am in the dark again and that was one of the things that was so hurtful when he told me about this job/ move, in the first place.
Every day, I have been crying a little...but I am trying to keep as up as I can, otherwise I won't be able to function. Surely, though, he can't expect that we go on "visiting" forever. On the first night I was crying, I went and got a tissue and then I heard him rummage around in his suitcase. When I returned, he was holding me in bed and it seemed like he was fiddling with something in his fingers. I thought it was an engagement ring for a a brief moment! D: I feel so silly...
One somewhat minor, but immediate thing is the collection of photos from this trip. I usually take some concentrated time to go through and edit and post them and do it gladly, but this time I think it might make me feel really sad. I don't want to drag it on and feel sad looking through them for longer, if I wait. Yet, I want the photos to be a reminder of good times and "us" for him...when should I work on them and post them? I feel like they will be lost in the fray if I post them right when he gets to Amsterdam, but if I do it before then...they won't quite serve as the reminder I want them to.
Anyway, I would love to have your thoughts, suggestions, etc.