Girlfriend has doubts it will work but want it too...

[KyleRivera]

Ok so here's the thing. My girlfriend recently told me she has developed insecurities on if the LDR will work or if can do it for much longer. I used to be the one with the insecurities but mine have faded while reading forums and success stories and the fact that it has been 7 months. She says she likes what we have and really wants it to work just as much as i do and has shown a lot of effort. I really care for her and love her deeply. She told me she feels guilty sometimes because she knows i am completely in love with her but she just loves me. That is a good thing (i would think). I just want to know what I can do to get rid of her insecurities and have 100% faith and have no doubts anymore? Is this something I can fix or is something she will have to decide on herself? How can I get her to where she is completely in love with me like I am with her? Do I just have to give it time? I know LDR's progress slowly in some situations, but I would love to have her feel the same as I do...What should I do?

[rixue]

Unfortunately this sounds like something she is going to have to get over on her own. You cannot make her "love you like you love her", she has to develop those feelings for you. Love is not just an instant occurrence, it takes time. Love is like a flower; from seed, to sapling, then into a beautiful flourishing flower! You need to nurture it and let it grow at its own pace. It will not just go from seed to flower no matter how much water you put on it :P Are there any other insecurities she has about the relationship besides that? All you can do is reassure her you are into making your relationship work and that you are there for her. Also, have you both met in person yet or have plans to in the future?

[KyleRivera]

Yea, you are very right. I cannot rush things and now that I think of it (from past relationships) it wouldn't be as fun, so to speak, because it wouldn't be a challenge. Yes we have met in person though. We see each other AT LEAST once a month. I make sure of that The flower of our relationship, I feel, will be going into full blossom sometime soon. She is well worth the wait, in my mind.

[Captivated]

I felt the same as your gf early on in my relationship with my fiance. He won me over simply by being understanding, patient (very patient), reassuring, very persistent and compassionate. The fact that you get to see each other in person often is a good thing. We had to wait every 5 months.

Good luck!

[KyleRivera]

Alright, I understand that completely. Are there any certain actions/words/etc. I can do or not do in order to show my patience and reassurance? I already am understanding of her situations and am very compassionate with her. Thanks!

[lademoiselle]

Your girlfriend's sentiments sound very much like mine when I first got together with my SO. I'd say it took a good year for my feelings to deepen to the same intensity as his; I cared about him very much and loved him dearly, but at the beginning the distance left me with a fair number of doubts. I woke up to the realisation that yes, I was indeed in love with my SO after a particular visit - and now I'd like nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with the guy

Anyway, regarding your second post, I would say continue to be there for her; be willing to listen to and discuss any concerns she may have. Of course I'm not saying you don't do that already, but it's so important to feel that your partner is truly receptive to your worries, even if they seem trivial to him/her! Also, try not to go overboard when it comes to expressing your feelings; I say this because I remember how guilty I used to feel when my SO would be telling me how in love with me he was, and I wasn't ready to respond in kind. I needed to make sense of my own emotions and my SO showering me with words of love all the time - wonderful as it was to hear them - was sometimes more of a hindrance than a help. Again, perhaps you don't do this, but I thought I'd mention it just in case.

My great grandmother (well, sort of!) used to say "if there are flowers they will bloom" and I think there's a lot of truth in that. Different people take different lengths of time to end up in the same place, and I believe that can be applied when it comes to love too. I'm so glad I stuck with my SO through the first few months despite all my confusion, I can't imagine not being where we are now. I wouldn't say there's anything you can do to show patience apart from... well, being patient! If your girlfriend seems to be making an effort to make your couple work in other ways, it may well be just a matter of time before she can let go of those doubts too. Good luck to you both

[KyleRivera]

Oh my god. That makes so much sense! Recently though, as far as me going overboard when it comes to my feelings, I have toned it down a lot because I have come to realize although she may like to hear this, it can become a lot to deal with and put stress on her and our relationship, especially if she isn't ready to say she feels the same. After a while, I realized me going overboard or telling her as much as I used to, could eventually push her away or just make her feel uncomfortable even though that was not my intention. The past week or so, after we have had a couple of serious talks, I have been noticing that it seems as if she is putting in more effort, such as; telling me she misses me more, telling me she can't wait to see me again, and even telling me how bad she wants me sexually. With all this effort I am seeing, I feel as if her doubts may be slowly going away. I feel like she may have just been stressed out with her situations at home and me going overboard with my feelings was making her frustrated.

[Maximilia]

That's just something she will have to resolve on her own, unfortunately.

Fortunately, you can help! I get really frazzled in my LDR, really frazzled (which if you've read any of my posts, you'll see how upset and anxious I am about not having a closing date, long story), but my SO is a rock. When I get frazzled, I have doubts. I sometimes voice them, I sometimes don't, but it stems from anxiety and fear. And not just the fear of 'Oh, he's cheating!' but fear of losing him, fear of never closing the distance, fear of something happening to him, fear of missing out on something here while I wait, etc etc etc. What helps to soothe that fear is my SO's rock solid faith in us, what we have, and reminders that yes, he loves me. Ask her if there is anything you can do for her, even if it's backing off and giving her space, giving her compliments, more spontaneity, whatever. Communication is key.

Again, in the end, it will be her decision, but showing you are there for her, no matter what, goes a great deal to soothing anxiety and doubt.