Saying goodbye after the first meeting...

[Jayburr]

Hello everyone,

I am a new member here and so glad I found this site. I just got back from a week-long trip to meet the love of my life, and am finding it incredibly difficult to deal with the separation now. This is the main concern I have with a LDR...fighting through the pain of knowing you're thousands of miles apart, and not knowing when you'll see each other again and be able to re-live the memories you shared together. How can I cope with the separation and keep from being depressed?

Those are just a couple of my main questions...I figured I would post those first before continuing on with some details of our relationship and first meeting, which will be below, if anyone is interested in reading...

I met this girl in October of last year in an online game. Some other online friends and myself all started playing this game and were invited to a guild that she was also a part of. Over the course of the first couple of months, she was always helpful to me in the game, helping me get the hang of things, and complete quests, level up, etc... This basically lead to us just having a lot of general chit-chat back and forth about our day and various other real life topics, as talking about the game while playing it can only remain interesting for so long hehe. Eventually, she nudged me to come on Ventrilo (voice chat program commonly used by gamers to communicate) and join our guild's channel so we can talk and not have to type. It was late at night when I first joined her there, so it was just the two of us talking for some time until she had to log for the night. That was the first time I heard her voice.

Over the course of the next few months, private messages in-game lead to connecting on Facebook, Facebook lead to texting, and texting lead to phone calls... We started out slow and gradually worked our way into what became something more than just a regular connection. Neither of us had intended for our relationship to progress this way, but upon realizing that it had, I casually suggested on the phone one day that it would be really awesome if we met.

That day would finally come a few months later. I flew to her, 1800 miles away, we met, and everything was perfect beyond belief. I stayed with her for almost a week...and when it came time to leave, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I held so much emotion in at the airport when saying goodbye, because I didn't want us both to be in tears, but as soon as I left her and passed through security, I truly broke down inside. I didn't want to leave. I absolutely did not want to return home. I needed her with me and I've never felt that way about anyone before. I've always been the type that believes no one NEEDS to be in a relationship, but they we WANT to be... I've always told myself I don't NEED a relationship, and that I am fine on my own...but now I believe that my reason for that belief was because I'd simply never met someone like her before. I've been in love before, but not like this... This is a girl I feel I NEED in my life, and that I can't live without her...

My belief now is that all along I've had a piece of me that's been missing, and I've simply not been aware of it, and not met the right girl that fills in that missing piece. I've been through a couple of serious relationships where I've invested a ton of effort and emotion, but in the end, still felt like I didn't NEED to be in love with them. This is a girl that has changed that belief for me entirely... She's made me realize that the reason I've been unaware of this missing piece, is because I hadn't yet been with someone who could fill that void and make me aware of what I've been missing this whole time.

This girl filled the void for me - in fact, she over-filled it, and, in saying goodbye to her, I was left feeling empty. I could feel the emptiness inside me...the hole, the void, the missing piece that I'd never been aware of before...I could now feel it when saying goodbye to her, and I've been feeling it every day since...

We had 7 amazing days together, and they passed by so quickly that it seems like it was just a dream. The flight back and arrival back at home was torture... Waiting to load onto my plane at the terminal, waiting to take off, waiting to land, waiting to get home, laying in bed, alone...waking up, alone... I hurt, and miss her so badly...I feel so empty now...and the worst part is that neither of us know when we will see each other again. It could be a few months or it could be a year from now, we truly have no realistic idea yet... We are both mid-20s and still developing our careers, so there is a lot of uncertainty when it comes to where we may live and where our jobs will take us.

As soon as I got home though, I was ready to turn my life upside down and move to her. I started researching potential jobs and everything...am I getting ahead of myself? It's entirely possible that she could move and work here, or vice-versa... There are so many unknowns, and I am unsure of what I should preparing for, or, if I should even be preparing for anything... Maybe I should just wait things out..? I miss her so much... The distance is killing me.

I'd love to hear some stories that others here have, and specifically, how you've all coped with that first goodbye... Thanks!

[Moon]

Well, you've found the right place, we've ALL been where you are, and to say it sucks is an understatement. I could tell you the usual things we say to everybody who posts a post like you did "Keep busy", "get a hobby", "write it out", "talk about it", "Focus on your career", and they all help a little, but I feel like the first visit feels the most vulnerable afterward. You don't have a system or rhythm going yet, and it feels sad, lonely and a little insecure, you don't know when or how you'll see each other next. To be honest, all you can do is push through it using whatever distraction works for you, and while the pain doesn't really get less as time goes on, you do get used to it, it just takes time and a few more visits.

If she is truly the right girl for you, you'll manage. You may not be together physically, but you've still got each other and that's the most important thing, the rest will sort itself out, just try to be patient, that's important

After my first visit, my head was a mess, I had no idea how we'd work everything out and how visits would happen often enough. We're international, and limited to our vacation time, but it's been three years and just gets better and better relationship-wise. I just got back from spending almost a month with him (we work at the same company, and the first two weeks was me going to Helsinki for work), and this time leaving was very hard on us both, more so than usual, but we are in a rhythm enough to have an idea how long it'll be til next time, which helps enormously.

I'm sorry you feel so bad, I hope it'll get easier for you in the coming weeks (it usually does). This is a great forum for this, so please use and abuse it It'll make you feel better.

[Jayburr]

Thank you for the advice Moon.

I think the hardest part for me right now is feeling so lonely, and the fact that the separation is proving to be much more difficult for me than it SEEMS to be for her. Lately she has been the one trying to keep my mind focused on the positive. It helps a little bit, but I still ache to be near her. I stayed with her for 7 days and it seems like it was only 2. It went by so fast that it seemed like a dream... I got off the plane, met her, and then in what seemed like no time at all, she was driving me back to the airport. It just felt so disappointing...that I HAD to return home. I woke up early on the morning of our last day together, my arms wrapped around her as she slept and couldn't help but hold back tears thinking about how I'd be leaving her soon, and we wouldn't be able to share a moment like this together again for an unknown amount of time. Every single thing I do now makes me wish she were with me, and that constant reminder is painful torture...

[Katrina]

Hello Jaybur. You sound very like my SO felt the first time we parted after two weeks together. We were both upset but he was almost (I don't know is mournful a weird word here?) For a while he would want to talk constantly and sleep on skype and I would come home to emails with links about how much cheaper the cost of living was in his city or what people in my field earned over there. We both always have a hard time parting but that first time he really really struggled.
As with most things in life time passing helped it ease a bit. When you settle back into a routine and topics other than the time together start creeping into the conversation things will start to settle. For me what helps most is when I have some sort of idea when the next time will be and we can start planning towards it even if it looks like far away.
I feel for you just now because as Moon rightly says there is not much you can do but let it pass.
I will tell you that when I'm feeling insecure, and "proving" to myself in my head that my handsome American man actually does love me, how he was after that first visit is one of the first things on my list.
I hope it eases soon.

[notyourexgirlfriend]

Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things you have to do with at LDR. The first time I said goodbye to my SO at the airport (I went to visit him) I was absolutely shattered. The grief seemed insurmountable. I felt like my heart was breaking. I called him when I had time inbetween flights home and called him as soon as I got home. The next two weeks after that were so hard. Knowing that I'd finally met him, was able to spend that time with him and now it had all gone and we didn't know when we'd see each other again. Thankfully I saw him again in April (he came to me) and he will be visiting me again in September/October. I don't think it ever gets easier but knowing that he's still there, we're still together and we're fighting for us regardless of the distance makes it all worthwhile.

[Jayburr]

I will tell you that when I'm feeling insecure, and "proving" to myself in my head that my handsome American man actually does love me, how he was after that first visit is one of the first things on my list.

She has told me this, hehe. I told her recently that I hoped I wasn't being too emotional or anything, and she mentioned the same thing you just did...that my lingering sadness and emotion from leaving her is reassurance to her that I truly care about her, love her, etc...

Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things you have to do with at LDR. The first time I said goodbye to my SO at the airport (I went to visit him) I was absolutely shattered. The grief seemed insurmountable. I felt like my heart was breaking. I called him when I had time inbetween flights home and called him as soon as I got home. The next two weeks after that were so hard. Knowing that I'd finally met him, was able to spend that time with him and now it had all gone and we didn't know when we'd see each other again. Thankfully I saw him again in April (he came to me) and he will be visiting me again in September/October. I don't think it ever gets easier but knowing that he's still there, we're still together and we're fighting for us regardless of the distance makes it all worthwhile.

It was definitely the hardest thing for me... What makes it so strange is that I'm the one that seems to be having a harder time dealing with the separation. I'm generalizing, I know, but, I'm the guy! ...aren't I suppose to always keep a level head and be calm? Shouldn't my girl be running to ME for a shoulder to cry on and not me running to HER? :P lol

[CrazyChris576]

Making my first post in the forum here, because this is what sticks with me. It's been two months since I said goodbye to my love in the airport in Houston. The overwhelming sadness I felt is still with me, albeit at a shadow of its former level. Even though at the time we didn't actually say goodbye (instead resorting to the classic "It's not goodbye, it's see you soon" method), it still had the pain to match. I want to be at the point where I never have to say goodbye again. I'm sure that's where we all want to be.....

[tanaquil]

I'm really sorry you're going through so much. But at least you're with people who understand what you're going through.

My boyfriend had to leave for graduate school -- going back to Houston -- and when he drove me back to my dorm and kissed me goodbye, it was all a bit of a flurry. It wasn't until I turned away and started walking back that I burst into tears. So I know how you feel: the moment you turn away is the most painful.

I didn't cope with it very well, I'm sad to say. The first night and the next involved lots of crying and calling him. But, soon enough, it gets better by itself. The age-old "keep yourself busy" mantra actually works! Go out with friends and spend time with them! Have them talk to you about their own problems and you'll be absorbed in other issues. (: Friends are the real key.

Good luck! >< hope it gets better.

[inez]

Oh, that first goodbye. I remember lying across from my SO for 2 hours, staring into his eyes, both of us crying. Saying goodbye doesn't get easier, especially when you've visited enough that you can really get a feel for how you could fit into that person's life. My suggestion to you is to use that pain as a motivator to get where you want to be. Set long-term goals, where do your want to be in the next few years? How can you accomplish this so that you are near her? Talk about it with her. Do you want to close the distance all at once and move in together, or would you prefer to live in your own place first? Is there a way you could visit for longer than a week before that time as a sort of trial period? This will be a lot to discuss, and maybe you shouldn't bring it all up at once. It's easy to get excited, these are decisions that need a lot of thought.

Once that's established, set your short term goals, because believe me, if all you can think about is the end point you will go insane. It will seem like an eternity. Start searching your calendars for when the next available visit might be, even if all you can manage is a long weekend- at least that's something! What do you need to do to get a job near her or vice versa? All the little things that get you where you want to be.

Then start looking forward. Every day is another day closer to seeing her again.

Sometimes there are little things you can do to distract from the distance. Go through the list of things to do in an LDR and start doing the ones you're interested in. Here are some things that I've done personally that make the goodbye a little easier:

1. If she is visiting you, hide something in her luggage. If you are visiting her, hide something in her room. If she has her own place, you can even make a scavenger hunt out of it- I haven't done that per se, but I did rearrange a bunch of little things in his room and laugh on the phone while he bugged out asking for help. It's just like leaving a little bit of yourself there.
2. Alternatively take something from her that she won't miss too much... Lol. You could wind up getting into a little trouble this way, but it is the same concept as the first idea.
3. Dedicate some of your visit to observing her for thoughtful gift ideas. It could be home-made or mostly cheap things. Be as creative as you need. When you get back, start making a "care package" of sorts for her. Maybe she likes a certain type of food, make it and mail it to her. Maybe she collects something, go out and find something that could contribute to the collection. Spread out the gifting over many different days if you like.
4. Do something wild just before you leave. My boyfriend didn't like that I looked so sad walking through airport security, so he stood on a chair in the airport and sang that terrible "I'm Glad You Came" song they play so much on the radio. It was totally out of character for him. I was so shocked that it distracted me from the initial pain of leaving, and gave me something to laugh about on the way back. I know this isn't exactly out there or helpful for long-term pain, but maybe do something spontaneous that neither of you would normally do so that you can think of your good-bye as a crazy memory rather than a painful moment.

I thought I had more things when I started this list, but hopefully there's enough for you to find something you can do. Or maybe it will inspire an idea for you. I know it's a little late to do any of those things exactly, but I'm sure you'll find something

[Jayburr]

My suggestion to you is to use that pain as a motivator to get where you want to be. Set long-term goals, where do your want to be in the next few years? How can you accomplish this so that you are near her? Talk about it with her.

Thank you for all the suggestions inez. Currently, I'm feeling a double whammy of hurt, and here's why...

#1 - The obvious...Loneliness, depression, etc... I love her, always want to be by her side, and everything I do throughout my day now reminds me of her. I can't even walk down a street any more without wishing she were next to me, her hand in mine... Those constant reminders are hard to ignore.

#2 - This involves your suggestion about using the pain as a motivator to set goals that will get me where I want to be... When I got home, I immediately started researching things I wanted to do, such as go back to school, new jobs, etc... Why is it part of my 'double whammy of hurt?' Because the goals I need to reach are many, and difficult. I feel overwhelmed by how much I need to accomplish to be with her... Currently, I am pretty set in my career...so, leaving that and moving to her is not ideal for me. I'd probably have to find new work and start at the bottom again, OR, go back to school for 2 years (or more) to MAYBE start somewhere moderately higher. I know the economy sucks mostly everywhere, but I live in California and the tuition costs have skyrocketed over the years since I graduated. I'm seriously regretting not continuing college 3 years ago when it was cheaper, and this in itself is another source of depression for me. I would have been done with my degree if I'd continued...but then again, I might never have met her either...

This brings me to the 'sub-whammy' within this whammy (lol), #2a: Money, and her parents.

Her parents are pretty well off, and they basically expect that whoever their daughter chooses as a boyfriend or husband will be well off too. Now, she doesn't have the same viewpoint as her parents, and she is also not very close with them and could care less about what their opinions are of anything in her life...but nevertheless, while she doesn't directly admit it, she will want to impress them (and of course, so will I!). My fear here, is that when the day comes that I meet them, their primary concern (and first words to me) will not involve learning anything about my personality, what I'm like, if I'm a good guy, etc...it's going to be, "How much money do you make? Are you a doctor, or a lawyer?" Literally, that's how I see it playing out, lol. It will go like this "Heeeey nice to meet you! So! What do you do for a living?" right as I'm walking in the door. No one in my family is a doctor or lawyer, and I won't be the one to start that trend. I grew up poor. I watched my mom and my grandparents bankrupt themselves multiple times and vowed never to be bad with money, and I haven't. I've done quite well for myself but I am not a doctor or lawyer and never will be, lol. So, this fear of likely never being able to impress her parents is one that hinders my motivations and goal-setting...

I suppose my current goal right now is to wait a few months and see what happens. She's currently doing an internship which, when done, will finish her Masters, and that should be within a few months. She may decide to get a job here and move, which will take the load off my back (a little) in terms of having to start my career over. In the mean time though, I have begun applying for jobs at bigger businesses to try and move higher than I am so that, hopefully, even if I do have to move one day, I will have these businesses and experience on my resume and not have to worry as much about having to go back to school. And if I don't have to move, I'll be bettering myself by working there anyway.

[notyourexgirlfriend]

It was definitely the hardest thing for me... What makes it so strange is that I'm the one that seems to be having a harder time dealing with the separation. I'm generalizing, I know, but, I'm the guy! ...aren't I suppose to always keep a level head and be calm? Shouldn't my girl be running to ME for a shoulder to cry on and not me running to HER? :P lol

My SO loses it every time we separate. It hits him hard too. I think probably just as hard as it hits me so it's not just a girl thing.

[mcnab]

Definitely not just a girl thing. It's hit me really hard this time and its scary how hard it hit me. I consider myself emotionally strong and didnt think k would feel like this. It's borderline depression. My sleeping and eating patterns are out of sync, I can't concentrate on things. But I know its not long until I see her again and I just have to keep marking off the days