The FEAR of saying "I love you..."

[Jayburr]

It's been about a week and a half since I first met with my SO, and since I've been back home, I've had a lot of time to think to myself about everything - my life, my career, where I want to be in the future, where I want to be WITH her, etc... Leaving her at the airport was hard enough, and I haven't been dealing with the separation very well, but suddenly, there is a lot on my plate that I feel I need to accomplish, and it's difficult to take it all in when I'm unsure of how she feels about me exactly.

About mid-way through my week-long stay with her, we were just laying together, and I told her I loved her. She smiled, and seemed pleased, but, I didn't get the response I wanted...she didn't say "I love you too." Instead, she told me "You don't know that..." I told her that 'I've known it for a long time now.' I did say a little bit more after that but I can't remember it... Either way, I could tell that I wasn't going to get an "I love you" back from her, so I didn't linger on it and I just smoothly transitioned away from that topic.

Now, in my past relationships, I've never been the first to say "I love you," the girlfriends have always said it to me first. That's not to say that I wasn't THINKING the words long before they were ever said, because I most likely already felt that I was in love, but I just waited for them to say it first. In doing this, I was prepared to give them the answer they hoped to receive, and we would both be happy. In my current situation, I said the words first and didn't get the desired answer. I wasn't completely disappointed though, because with how we talk, and some of the things she says to me, it's obvious that she does LOVE me, she just doesn't say it directly. To me, it seems like it's almost as if she feels that saying those words will put her passed a point of no return, where our relationship becomes all or nothing and she must be 100% committed...which, I don't think she is opposed to that, but it might be a little scary for her.

In dealing with everything that comes with a LDR lately, I've been starting to feel that I need reassurance from her of her feelings for me (i.e. in the form of an "I love you) but I don't want to push her into something she may not be comfortable with yet. So, yesterday, she tells me "I <3 you," which is her way of skirting around the actual "love" word. She's said this in the past, and I know what she means by it, but this time, I decided to ask her about it. I said, 'When you say 'heart,' what do you mean?' She simply said, 'heart <3 .' I said "I know, lol, but what does it mean, when you say it..." "Ruv " she said...obviously avoiding the actual "love" word again by using a playful Scooby-Doo/puppy version, "Ruv," lol. I sort of called her on it, saying "Lol, avoiding the actual word hmm? hehe" trying to be as casual about it as possible, not trying to push anything... She didn't respond. 12 minutes passed and I started to think that maybe she's nervous of what my response might be, though she shouldn't be...I've already told her I love her... I sent her another message, reminding her that "You already know how I feel about you baby..." She responded right away with "I know...it's time..." "Time?" I said. 25 minutes later she responds with "Lol well yeah...there are proper times to say it." At this point, I figured it was time to drop the discussion. I could have gone on to ask her about what she considers to be a proper time, and that with me, if I feel something, I tell her, etc etc but I didn't want to push it. I just replied with "I see " and let her know that she can tell me anything at all that she's feeling or thinking and not have to worry about what my response might be. She seemed happy to know that, and then we moved on.

So, the opportunity was there to push for more info if I wanted, but I didn't want to force her or anything so, I didn't really get any answers. I just wish she could tell me how she really feels, and that if she loves me, she could just tell me. She knows I love her...so I don't see any reason to be scared of my response if she were to tell me...she should feel confident that I'd tell her I love her too. I'm just not sure what she is waiting for...

I'd really appreciate some feedback on this situation and the whole exchange of "I love you" in general. Are there any other ways for me to probe for information on how she feels about me? Should I just wait and let her come to me on her own?

If anyone read this whole thing, thank you... My posts tend to be long but, I like to provide as much detail up front as I can so that anyone reading can have a good understanding of my specific situation :P thanks all, hehe

[Anna N' Luc]

I would actually be glad that she didn't just say it. Yeah it's a bit uncomfortable to say "I love you" and not get the same in return but at least this way you know that when she does say it, she really means it and is not just telling you what you want to hear. I also would definitely 100% stop pushing the topic. I've been in her situation before and it's not fun, she will say it when she is ready and I don't mean to sound mean or anything but it really isn't fair of you to 1- assume you know how she feels and 2- push a topic you know she is uncomfortable with. She is right, there are appropriate times to say those words and each individual person needs to decide what time is right for them. Ideally it would be at the same time but it wasn't and that is fine, it doesn't mean that your relationship is less significant or that she is any less into you than you are with her, it just means that she isn't ready to go there yet and you asking her what she means by "I <3 you" isn't going to get her there any faster. Stop with the "she SHOULD feel this way" or "she SHOULD be comfortable to say this" it's not going to get you anywhere, nobody can tell another person how they should feel. As for other ways to probe for information... don't. When she is ready, she will tell you.

[princessmeg1328]

I completely agree with Anna N' Luc. You may think you know how she feels, but there's no way to know for sure. I would just drop the topic altogether. When she's ready, she'll tell you. Until then, stop pressuring her to say it.

[ushiwakafox]

I agree with what the others are saying to an extent. It says on your profile that your relationship (with her I'm assuming) began this past October. That's almost a year ago and she is still uncomfortable about saying "I love you". I'm NOT saying you need to push it on her and she should be able to say it by now. What I am saying is that a year is a long time to get to know someone, and I feel is ample time to figure out if you love this person or not. It is perfectly ok for two people to not love each other in a relationship, that's natural when dating people and "playing the field". But it seems to me that you are more interested in a long term commitment.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is maybe there is an underlying problem or issue that she hasn't expressed yet. Maybe she has emotional issues from past relationships and is afraid of the words or afraid of getting too close for fear that she'll get hurt. I would definitely ask her about it, because it's not just her in the relationship, you need to remind yourself that you are a functioning member of the relationship too, and you also have wants and needs. And when it all boils down to it, if you feel that you deserve to be loved back by her by now, you really don't have an obligation to stick around much longer. I know that seems harsh, and it is. Time is very precious, and if you are with someone who doesn't feel the same way, wasting time waiting around for that person may cause you to regret it later on.

I'm not saying you should leave her, just things to think about. If this relationship was only a few weeks or even a few months old, it would be different. I think you do really need to set aside your worries about not pushing her to hard and get to the bottom of how exactly she feels in the relationship.

I hope this helps a little. Good luck

[Anna N' Luc]

I agree with what the others are saying to an extent. It says on your profile that your relationship (with her I'm assuming) began this past October. That's almost a year ago and she is still uncomfortable about saying "I love you". I'm NOT saying you need to push it on her and she should be able to say it by now. What I am saying is that a year is a long time to get to know someone, and I feel is ample time to figure out if you love this person or not. It is perfectly ok for two people to not love each other in a relationship, that's natural when dating people and "playing the field". But it seems to me that you are more interested in a long term commitment.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is maybe there is an underlying problem or issue that she hasn't expressed yet. Maybe she has emotional issues from past relationships and is afraid of the words or afraid of getting too close for fear that she'll get hurt. I would definitely ask her about it, because it's not just her in the relationship, you need to remind yourself that you are a functioning member of the relationship too, and you also have wants and needs. And when it all boils down to it, if you feel that you deserve to be loved back by her by now, you really don't have an obligation to stick around much longer. I know that seems harsh, and it is. Time is very precious, and if you are with someone who doesn't feel the same way, wasting time waiting around for that person may cause you to regret it later on.

I'm not saying you should leave her, just things to think about. If this relationship was only a few weeks or even a few months old, it would be different. I think you do really need to set aside your worries about not pushing her to hard and get to the bottom of how exactly she feels in the relationship.

I hope this helps a little. Good luck

Even if she does have some issues from past relationships, she is under no obligation to tell him on his schedule. Sometimes it takes people a long time to trust and once again, it can't be on a timeline. If any of my previous boyfriends said to me "if you haven't told me you love me by 1 year, I'm out" that would be an automatic deal breaker for me. Also, nobody can say "I DESERVE to be loved back" I'm sure you treat her great and are a great boyfriend but deserve is the wrong word, you can't force someone to say they love you, no matter if you've been dating for 3 months or 3 years, if they're not ready, they're not ready and like ushiwakafox said, it's your decision as to whether or not you stick around. Another thing, how would you feel if you did push her into saying it, probed and brought it up over and over until she finally said it? Would you believe she was saying it because she wanted to? Would you trust that she loves you truly? There's no time limit on deciding how you feel about someone, yes you are in the relationship too and if her not saying she loves you now is a deal breaker for you then so be it.

[Jayburr]

Yeah it's a bit uncomfortable to say "I love you" and not get the same in return but at least this way you know that when she does say it, she really means it and is not just telling you what you want to hear. I also would definitely 100% stop pushing the topic. I've been in her situation before and it's not fun, she will say it when she is ready and I don't mean to sound mean or anything but it really isn't fair of you to 1- assume you know how she feels and 2- push a topic you know she is uncomfortable with.

Absolutely true, I agree. I'd just like to clarify though, that this isn't a topic I've "pushed," it was casually brought up once, that was it, and even so, I barely pursued an answer. As far as assuming that I know how she feels...it's true, I am assuming, but it's pretty clear to me... When someone tells you "I heart you" and you ask what it means, and they say "Ruv," (i.e. "I ruv you") that's pretty obvious, is it not?

Stop with the "she SHOULD feel this way" or "she SHOULD be comfortable to say this" it's not going to get you anywhere, nobody can tell another person how they should feel.

Just want to make another clarification here... I didn't say to her what you put in quotes above... That was just me putting my thoughts down in my OP, it wasn't part of the conversation I had with her. I, of course, would not try to tell someone how they should be feeling. :P

I agree with what the others are saying to an extent. It says on your profile that your relationship (with her I'm assuming) began this past October. That's almost a year ago and she is still uncomfortable about saying "I love you". I'm NOT saying you need to push it on her and she should be able to say it by now. What I am saying is that a year is a long time to get to know someone, and I feel is ample time to figure out if you love this person or not. It is perfectly ok for two people to not love each other in a relationship, that's natural when dating people and "playing the field". But it seems to me that you are more interested in a long term commitment.

From what she's told me, she says she's never met anyone like me, that no one is as kind, sweet, romantic, etc to her like I have been, that she cares very much about me, that I'm always on her mind, that she misses me intensely, that she feels lucky to have someone like me want to be with her, that she "hearts" me... There are more signs than that which, I feel, all combine into a simple word, but instead of THAT word, she uses a substitute.

I'm honestly fine if she doesn't want to directly tell me that she loves me...I'm fine with waiting until she's ready. It's just right now, for me, in my current state, having just spent an amazing week with her and missing her as much as I do, it would be helpful, and reassuring, to hear something like that from her. It would help me cope with being so far away from her and not knowing when we will see each other again, if she were to tell me how she feels.

[Zapookie]

You know, it could be that she just needs to spend more time with you in person before she says those words. You only had a week together, and for a lot of people, that's not enough time to gauge whether or not they truly love a person.

If she's already told you that she's never met anyone like you, as kind as you etc.. then take those words and treasure them. Take her actions and treasure them. Don't put so much weight on the word "love", especially if there won't be full truth behind it. She doesn't have to say it to simply make you feel better, if she isn't ready.

My first meeting with my SO was 3 months long, and I told him I loved him first, two weeks before he was due to fly home. I could have told him earlier, because I was saying it in my head frequently, but I just wanted to wait until the time was right for both of us.

It's different for everyone. Some people don't even say I love you, but rather show it through their actions. And to be honest, I'd rather someone show me they love me than tell me it with empty words.

[Jgui]

You know, it could be that she just needs to spend more time with you in person before she says those words. You only had a week together, and for a lot of people, that's not enough time to gauge whether or not they truly love a person.

If she's already told you that she's never met anyone like you, as kind as you etc.. then take those words and treasure them. Take her actions and treasure them. Don't put so much weight on the word "love", especially if there won't be full truth behind it. She doesn't have to say it to simply make you feel better, if she isn't ready.

My first meeting with my SO was 3 months long, and I told him I loved him first, two weeks before he was due to fly home. I could have told him earlier, because I was saying it in my head frequently, but I just wanted to wait until the time was right for both of us.

It's different for everyone. Some people don't even say I love you, but rather show it through their actions. And to be honest, I'd rather someone show me they love me than tell me it with empty words.

Zapookie took the words out of my mouth. I completely agree with all her points, every relationship is different, everyone is different, so we can't compare the past with present. Maybe she does need to see you in person more before knowing how she truly feels. Love is not a word that should be taken lightly, it's a commitment behind each letter and if it's just being toss around it will lose it's value and meaning. Some people do fall in love sooner and quicker than others and there is noting wrong with it. I've known my SO for almost 3 months and together for 3 weeks and we've said our "i love you" to each other. We both know we meant it even those we haven't been together for too long.

Enjoy the times you spend with her and cherish everything she tells you. Maybe she has a different way of conveying her love than you do. Maybe she isn't as verbal and shows her love through actions instead. Regardless what it may be, don't press for answer because it could backfire. Let love happen and the day when she tells you those 4 letter word when you least expects it will be an awesome feeling.

[ChibiFelicia]

I have to agree with the others regarding the not probing her for an answer. Some ppl just dont say those 3 words. It took me 6 months to and two 6 week visits to tell my man i loved him. It took him a year and 3 visits (the 3rd visit was 2 months). Even now being together for 3 years and getting married next month (!) we have only said those 3 words to each other a handful of times. Actions speaks way louder than words. And as Zapookie said she may want to spend more time with you in person. A week isnt long enough for most people regardless you've been together nearly a year. We both still keep using the "i <3" or "i heart you" or mostly it's just "i like you". We both know how each other feels because of what we do for one another. There is nothing wrong with using the word love but for us, that word just holds that much more meaning. When i say those words to him, i am close to bursting with emotion for him. I amnot expecting him to say those words back, i never have. And i dont think you should too. And just because she says i love you, it doesnt mean "oh i have to return those words" ...you dont. It holds no meaning if you say i love you too.

[Perplexingana]

This is a difficult one, I always have loved being in love and have enjoyed telling whomever i'm in love with "I love you" if it is how I truly feel. I have run into issues with this too, my last relationship before my current I knew I loved him but out of fear of scaring him away I tried to hide it, not disclose it by being straight out about saying it, I was in fact hoping he would say it first but it turns out he never ended up saying those three words and in fact broke up with me because he knew I loved him but he didn't love me or for him my feelings were too strong too soon along with other reasons. Anyhow, my current boyfriend fell really fast and hard for me. He told me he loved me like only 10 to 12 days after we started dating and honestly it made me nervous at first I was like how can he know so quickly?! I asked him how he knew that in such a short time period he said that there are many guys out there who feel they are in love in short periods of time but won't say it, but he says he likes to be direct and tell how he feels immediately. I said thank you at first but only a short time within a day or so I told him I loved him. I think the rejection is the scariest thing I went through it and it sucks. I lived through the rejection of my love in my last relationship and it scares me to allow myself to get involved in loving so fast because of it. It's good that you told her how you feel though because even if she doesn't immediately say it back at least you aren't just being told to satisfy your need to hear it. When she finally says those words it will be more special than ever because she will mean it. I've realized saying it should be sacred because it's like anything if you say it too much it loses meaning. Don't force her to say it before she's ready, patience is the key here.

[Anna N' Luc]

Absolutely true, I agree. I'd just like to clarify though, that this isn't a topic I've "pushed," it was casually brought up once, that was it, and even so, I barely pursued an answer. As far as assuming that I know how she feels...it's true, I am assuming, but it's pretty clear to me... When someone tells you "I heart you" and you ask what it means, and they say "Ruv," (i.e. "I ruv you") that's pretty obvious, is it not?

I probably should have said, don't push it instead of stop. Her saying I heart you or I ruv you could very well mean that she loves you but asking her what she means and "pushing" for an answer is not going to get her to say those words.

Just want to make another clarification here... I didn't say to her what you put in quotes above... That was just me putting my thoughts down in my OP, it wasn't part of the conversation I had with her. I, of course, would not try to tell someone how they should be feeling. :P

My post on she should love you was more in reply to ushiwakafox's post about if you deserve to have her say she loves you.

From what she's told me, she says she's never met anyone like me, that no one is as kind, sweet, romantic, etc to her like I have been, that she cares very much about me, that I'm always on her mind, that she misses me intensely, that she feels lucky to have someone like me want to be with her, that she "hearts" me... There are more signs than that which, I feel, all combine into a simple word, but instead of THAT word, she uses a substitute.

I'm honestly fine if she doesn't want to directly tell me that she loves me...I'm fine with waiting until she's ready. It's just right now, for me, in my current state, having just spent an amazing week with her and missing her as much as I do, it would be helpful, and reassuring, to hear something like that from her. It would help me cope with being so far away from her and not knowing when we will see each other again, if she were to tell me how she feels.

I agree with Zapookie on this, take what she is saying to you and treasure those words instead of looking for that I love you, many people find that I miss you, I've never met anyone like you, I care so much about you, you're always on my mind etc are more from the heart than a simple I love you which with support, love, kindness and treating her how she needs to be treated will come in time. I think the fact that she is saying these things is a good sign, to me, it seems like she does have very strong feelings for you and is close to being able to express them in the way that you want, just give her time.

I'm sorry if I came off as harsh, it's just that I've been in her situation before. While I had strong feelings for my SO at the time (not my SO now) I wasn't ready to say I love you. He said it first and pressured me for a response, it ruined the relationship for me. Now he was kind of nasty about it, saying things like if I didn't say it now, he would leave and that I should love him for all that he has done etc and I can 100% tell that you are not that kind of person. I can also say that if he had given me the time that I needed to say it, we would have lasted longer than we did.

[redapple]

Some good answers all round really, just to add my two piece and my own experience and thought on those 3 words and why I dont say them;

Its amazing the trouble those three words can cause isnt it!

Are you Happy with her? Are you both on the same page and in a committed relationship working towards the future together? Do you have fun and want to be in each others company? Do you trust that she is happy with you and doesn't want for anybody else? (And vice versa.)

If you've said you love her then i'd presume the answers on your side are yes, but does saying I love you really confirm this?! Also if the above is true does it matter if she's said the words, other than you'd like to hear them.

My point basically is take these two scenarios- one couple say they love each other after 2 weeks of knowing each other and another couple after say it after a year. I personally feel that the emotions behind those words would be totally different. The fact that the words "I love you" have been said is actually totally insignificant. There just words, and the meaning placed behind them is totally subjective. Its how these couples feel about each other that matters and long as they communicate that somehow its not really important if its through "you make me unbelievably happy" or "I love you" or just "i'd like you to know i really like you a lot" they all kind of mean the same thing in my eyes.

Now i'm not meaning to anger people who felt that they fell in love the second they met their significant other, thats fine, but im just saying i think the emotions i would need to say "I love you" are different from those that you felt justified the words.


Just as a bit of justification for my opinions; I've been close distance with my bf for 14months. we've known each other 2 years. We are extremely happy together and its clear to us and to people on the outside that we're very content with each other. I can see me spending the rest of my life with him and I know he feels the same. We have NEVER had a major argument, we have never not spoken to each other and we constantly laugh together. We also spend almost 24hrs a day together because we're happiest together. His opinion matters more to me than anyone elses, as does his welfare and happiness. I imagine this probably sounds like I love him, and if this is the emotions that those words are supposed to hold then yes i do. But to be honest saying "i love you" doesnt seem to be enough for me, Ive never said it to him and neither him to me. I'm sure itll happen one day and im sure i'll be happy when it does (everyone likes reassurance, he makes me happy every time he even says that he's happy with me) but I don't need to say it. It wouldnt add anything to our relationship. So for those that say if you havent said i love you after a year then somethings wrong, i couldn't disagree with you more!!!


This isnt the most well put together post but what im trying to say is, whats the big deal with these three words? Dont ruin your relationship trying to get her to say something totally subjective. She might already feel exactly the same about you as you do about her but for her thats not enough to say the words. Or you might be unlucky and shes like me and thinks its all just semantics!

[Jayburr]

Some good answers all round really, just to add my two piece and my own experience and thought on those 3 words and why I dont say them;

Its amazing the trouble those three words can cause isnt it!

Are you Happy with her? Are you both on the same page and in a committed relationship working towards the future together? Do you have fun and want to be in each others company? Do you trust that she is happy with you and doesn't want for anybody else? (And vice versa.)

If you've said you love her then i'd presume the answers on your side are yes, but does saying I love you really confirm this?! Also if the above is true does it matter if she's said the words, other than you'd like to hear them.

I am happy with her, but to be honest, I am not sure we're on the same page. When we were together, we talked a little bit here and there about the 'when I leave, what happens? what's next?' scenario, and she basically told me that 'we'll keep doing what we've been doing up to this point, calling, texting, etc...' There was no official "okay we're in a LDR now" moment, it was kind of just accepted once we met I guess, but specifics on how to handle it were never discussed...

It's been about 6 days since I left her at the airport, and the #1 thing that's bothering me, is wondering if she really feels as strongly about me as I do about her. The days since leaving her have not been easy for me. She appears to have melded back into her regular routine just fine, which, is great for her, but I'm still transitioning and need a some support and reassurance from her. I feel alone, like she's moved on without me.

Communication is key in a LDR, right? How can I go about bringing up the discussion we didn't have in-person about a LDR? Is it even necessary to?

[redapple]

I am happy with her, but to be honest, I am not sure we're on the same page. When we were together, we talked a little bit here and there about the 'when I leave, what happens? what's next?' scenario, and she basically told me that 'we'll keep doing what we've been doing up to this point, calling, texting, etc...' There was no official "okay we're in a LDR now" moment, it was kind of just accepted once we met I guess, but specifics on how to handle it were never discussed...

It's been about 6 days since I left her at the airport, and the #1 thing that's bothering me, is wondering if she really feels as strongly about me as I do about her. The days since leaving her have not been easy for me. She appears to have melded back into her regular routine just fine, which, is great for her, but I'm still transitioning and need a some support and reassurance from her. I feel alone, like she's moved on without me.

Communication is key in a LDR, right? How can I go about bringing up the discussion we didn't have in-person about a LDR? Is it even necessary to?

I think this ^^ is your problem not that she didn't say "I love you" (though that obviously feeds into your worries that its one sided). Her saying i love you wouldn't solve all these worries you have, it also wouldn't necessarily that she felt as strongly about you as you do her. I'd let that issue go if i was you and just wait for her to say it if she wants.

Tell her that you're finding it difficult long distance and just want a bit of reassurance that she's still happy in the relationship. If she says that she wants to be with you and that she's happy you have to accept that, let it go and work on your insecurities. I don't mean to sound harsh here if i am, this is an issue i actually have myself. But i know that constantly asking for reassurance doesn't help your relationship, if they tell you that they're happy and want to be with you, that's all they can do, you have to then trust them that they are being honest.

You mention that specifics werent mentioned, are you wanting a routine of talking together? Or an idea or how many visits you can do? Its said over and over on these forums but talk to her! You can ask for reassurance but if she gives it take it, move on and focus on building a strong relationship based on fun and the reasons why you are together. (Too many serious talks can bring anyone down!)

[Jayburr]

I think this ^^ is your problem not that she didn't say "I love you" (though that obviously feeds into your worries that its one sided). Her saying i love you wouldn't solve all these worries you have, it also wouldn't necessarily that she felt as strongly about you as you do her. I'd let that issue go if i was you and just wait for her to say it if she wants.

Tell her that you're finding it difficult long distance and just want a bit of reassurance that she's still happy in the relationship. If she says that she wants to be with you and that she's happy you have to accept that, let it go and work on your insecurities. I don't mean to sound harsh here if i am, this is an issue i actually have myself. But i know that constantly asking for reassurance doesn't help your relationship, if they tell you that they're happy and want to be with you, that's all they can do, you have to then trust them that they are being honest.

You're right. I just have to trust her is all. Thank you redapple. I do realize that this is all just a big wave of emotion in the wake of an amazing week with her and having to say goodbye, and it will pass. I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm probably over-thinking things and trust that we're both in this together.

You mention that specifics werent mentioned, are you wanting a routine of talking together? Or an idea or how many visits you can do? Its said over and over on these forums but talk to her! You can ask for reassurance but if she gives it take it, move on and focus on building a strong relationship based on fun and the reasons why you are together. (Too many serious talks can bring anyone down!)

I don't need a routine of talking necessarily, I just want to know that I'm not forgotten about. The past couple of nights have involved long delays in text replies or phone calls from her (which is not normal, unless she's playing a game). That doesn't make me feel very important...if she can go all night playing a game without a thought to contact me until close to midnight (this was a couple nights ago). By the way, she's 2 hours ahead of me, so it was 2am for her when she finally thought to text me... Didn't make me feel good at all. Normally that wouldn't bother me, we both play this game, but with my current mind-set, it hurts a little to feel ignored like that.