Communication Problems?

[LadyMarchHare]

So long story short I have a lot of problems, mostly mental and emotional. My SO's been working for Disney World since late January and since it's the summer months, he's been working dusk til dawn hours 7 days a week with maybe 1 day off every couple of weeks. He works in the park itself so he gets subjected to the heat (it's been way hot here in the south lately, moreso than usual here) dumb coworkers and, of course, the lovely park-goers.

A lot of times when I have really bad episodes/mood swings/whatever they seem to come when he's had a bad day too. And with his hours now our chat time is reduced to every 3 or 4 days if we're lucky. Like earlier was the first time in 2 weeks I got 45 minutes with him. It's crazy. Anyhow, whenever this happens I tend to bite back MY issues and focus on making him feel better or seeing what I can do to help him, leaving my stuff untouched. It's because when he does find out something's wrong, he gets very upset and I feel like an idiot for 'ruining' our time together. It's simply I feel my dumb moments of random sadness pale in comparison to his bad days like, back in March, he was called a racial slur and spat on. They don't seem worth noting or worth him getting worked up over.

My best friend at one point called me a martyr for setting his (and basically everyone else's) issues above mine and "suffering in silence." It's my impression martyrs enjoy that. I don't.

My main question is, would this be considered a 'lack of communication' or just communication problems in general? Am I doing harm by not wanting to put more stress on him? I know it's considered bad when you hide things from your SO, especially some of my current problems, but is sharing really worth knowing you've upset them? Honest, blunt opinions are welcomed.

General discussion questions cuz I don't like making threads all about me, lol:

Have you ever hidden something from your SO? If so, what and/or why?

Would you want your SO hiding something from you, even if you were upset already?

If you have hidden something from your SO/they hid something from you, is it eventually revealed even after the problem's over?

[lunamea]

I guess I'm not as selfless as you are, but I do think you have a right to speak about your problems, too, because talking about it will help you. I know a lot of people (including my hb, as I found out recently... ) don't consider not telling something lying, but I think it's not a 100% okay in a healthy relationship, either. My hb hasn't told me a lot of things because he didn't want to hurt my feelings or get me upset, but eventually, I found out about those white lies and was all the more mad and hurt that he hadn't told me/that he considered me so weak that I wouldn't be able to deal with it. What I'm saying is: if your SO sooner or later finds out that you're not well, he will be hurt/disappointed that you didn't confide in him right away and he might even think you're hiding more. That's happened with my hb, since he didn't tell me that he talked/flirted with women when clubbing not to get me upset and now that I've seen pictures of him talking to other women, I find it hard to believe anything he says.

I know the 100% honesty policy is not always the best one, because there are some things that just belong to yourself. However, I don't think what you are talking about belongs to that category (always considering that it is your SO we're talking about, not some colleague at work or a random stranger you put up an act for.)

Also, I don't think your "random moments of sadness" are any less serious than his awful experiences at work. You're in a relationship and just as you are helping him cope with his stuff, you should let him help you. There has to be a give and take and, even though I admire your selflessness, I think you shouldn't put up an act to spare him. If he loves you, I think he would want to know when you're not feeling well, even if it gets him down, too.

Actually, I've found that while my hb and me were LD, that it did help me forget my own feelings of sadness and homesickness when I saw that he was down, too. Of course, it depressed me more, too, but I also had the feeling that I needed to be strong in order to comfort him. In contrast, when he was pretending he was fine, I was even weaker, because I relied on him to comfort me.

[Zephii]

I believe in a 100% honesty policy. It's not always easy to uphold, especially now that we live together, but I try to stick to it, and I believe Obi still does too. It's rare that we hide things from each other. Sometimes there's a delay in telling each other, we'll take a day or two to figure out how best to say it, because we are both easily hurt by the other (we keep ourselves vulnerable.) but after time it always comes out. We've recently learnt that 100% honesty is fine, but diplomacy is very important - without diplomacy more hurt feelings come to the fore and cause longer lasting problems.

I don't really believe in privacy within a relationship, because often I don't see people (especially married people) as seperate individuals anymore. (Yes, outdated, I know) Now, this doesn't mean I need to know what Obi does every second of the day, I don't need constant updates and there are parts of our burrow and items that are soley his. I can tell the difference between when I'm snooping and when I'm not, but I don't feel there is anything truly off-limits. If that makes sense...

But, I understand you not wanting to spoil the time you have together. So in this case if it doesn't directly affect the relationship, you can probably gloss over it a little. Tell him you've had a bad day or whatever then tell him that you don't want to talk about it, you want to enjoy his company instead because that will cheer you up. Guys seem to be better at cheering people up than hearing problems they can't fix anyway. If it does affect the relationship you do need to tell him though, he has a right to know stuff like that.
And selflessness is a very good thing, if more people could do that without resentment the world would be less messed up. If people realised they don't always need to come first.... anyway.. I wouldn't say that makes you a martyr.. I've always assumed that was a derogitory term. And I'm too lazy to look it up.

Have you ever hidden something from your SO? If so, what and/or why?
Years ago I did, but since I grew up? No. Unless it's like a birthday surprise or something. I let him believe he was paying for me to get an abortion when I borrowed money last year to surprise visit him :P But if I'm sad I don't hide it, he's the first person I turn to.

Would you want your SO hiding something from you, even if you were upset already?
No. My last partner did this to me, and it infuriated me. Granted, I was under a lot of stress already, mum was dying etc etc... but I could tell the relationship wasn't right either and every time I'd try to talk to him about it he'd say nothing was wrong, or that I was imagining it. Later when I broke up with him he used this against me, claiming that it was mum's fault our relationship failed because I was unable to deal with both and I'm like "I tried to talk to you about it!!!" Grr.
Besides, I'm much better at helping others than I am with helping myself, it'd be a welcome distraction.

[NaNi]

Have you ever hidden something from your SO? If so, what and/or why? I might have tried to avoid certain topics, but my SO always knows when something is wrong and keeps asking me about it. I also always want to tell her. Even if it might create some kind of tension between us for a little while. We talk about everything.

Would you want your SO hiding something from you, even if you were upset already? Absolutely not. I want my SO to tell me everything. And she does.

[ErinKristine]

Have you ever hidden something from your SO? If so, what and/or why?
I feel like maybe my situation is a little different because my SO is in the Army, when he's away training and we don't get to talk a lot I won't bring up an issue because he needs to focus on his training and not worry about things at at home. I won't tell him things a few days before his training even because I don't want him worrying when he's in the field. Right before he left for a very important training I had a lot going on and I ended up crying on the phone so he knew something was up, but I assured him that everything was being handled and he didn't need to worry. I know I will not tell him bad things unless they are crucial when he is deployed because he especially needs to keep his head clear there.

Would you want your SO hiding something from you, even if you were upset already?
It's funny because I wouldn't want my SO keeping something from me, but it's mostly because I don't have as much on my plate as he does so my mind is allowed to wander.

If you have hidden something from your SO/they hid something from you, is it eventually revealed even after the problem's over?
Yeah, I've brought up the issue once he has come home from training. He feels bad that I have to keep it from him while he's away, but he's also thankful for allowing him to have a clear head. If I bogged him down with problems right before/ while training or deployed I would be preventing from being the best leader he can be, he needs to focus on the task at hand and he's responsible for the lives of the men and women in his platoon so my problems can wait or be expressed to someone else besides him.

[folclor]

Awww. ; ^ ; *hugs*

Have you ever hidden something from your SO? If so, what and/or why?
I try. I really do try. I don't like being upset or letting him know I'm upset and a couple times I tried extremely hard to not let him know what was up but he can always tell so I...just give up about it. I didn't want him to know I was upset about him spending all the time with his friends and barely any with me one week. ^^;; I didn't want to be clingy... but then he could tell that I was upset and he got it out of me. ^^;;

Would you want your SO hiding something from you, even if you were upset already?
No. Not at all. Once I made him tell me something that made me even more upset and he knew it would, but I made him tell me anyway.

If you have hidden something from your SO/they hid something from you, is it eventually revealed even after the problem's over?
Yeah, pretty much always. I mean...I haven't really kept it in. Well, once I didn't tell him when I was getting jealous of some friends of his but then I knew he wasn't going to do with them what he does with me so I didn't bring it up and lately I told him that I used to be jealous and he was like, "Really? Well, if you'd told me back then I would've done something to change it!" lol

[LadyMarchHare]

@lunamea: I don't do it all the time, mind, but a lot of my frequent problems are things I've dealt with practically all my life because of my conditions. Plus I tend to deal with some issues with humor so they don't seem as bad. So, to me, a lot of my stuff is not a huge deal even if I'm climbing the walls. And lying? Yeah I would say it constitutes, but I can't really see my not indulging that I missed him like sooo bad that I wanted to text him every five seconds or that I kinda slipped in my mood as lying. Now if, say, I hurt myself and said nothing yeah that's lying. The one time I did that I told him and it got worked out. And he does know I hide things, but he told me so long as I answer "how are you?" honestly he's fine because he can generally tell by how I word things if I need to have the info smacked outta me.

And I know what you mean about that, there've been two major incidents with my SO where he lied (he's usually honest since he believes in telling it as it is, even if he has to sugar-coat it) and I'm still hung up about it, but only one's major and that was his not telling me he took up smoking again. The other was just him giving me a false name (ok it was his last middle name and his surname, but still) at first and in April I found out it wasn't his real/whole name. I felt dumb that I'd spent all that time addressing him by a nickname.

This is gonna sound so cliche (then again what doesn't) but just talking to him does help me. It's therapeutic because it reminds me that, even if we aren't addressing my issues, there's someone that does care enough to help. He always says I'm helping just by being there, and it's pretty much the same for me. Had he more time away from work yeah I'd talk more, I did in winter when he was working normal hours, but right now I just shut up even though I feel bad that I'm leaving him out of the bitter rinds of my life when he openly shares his even if he isn't looking for any sort of fix. I guess you could call it some sort of maternal instinct to bite the bullet and help those you love first.

@Zephii: With my insane amount of trust issues I can see where the 100% honesty policy plays in. Really I have no problem sharing, which annoys a lot of people, but I bite my tongue when someone else has a problem. I'm never too sure what marriage changes in relationships beyond joint everything but I can see what you mean about them being one as far as an individual. You're together, you made the choice to be, so it stands to reason you need to know what's important when going about life.

I wouldn't say it affects the relationship. My issue today might have, had it gone the way I thought it would, but luckily it didn't. If it had, I would've called him. Haha, I wish we could do that. We end up wheedling details out anyway since we're both so adamant about cheering the other up or at least making each other feel better. It was my understanding a martyr was someone who willingly sacrificed themselves, usually their lives, for the "greater good". It's mostly a religious term, but I think you get the gist.

[Caitlin2009]

Have you ever hidden something from your SO? If so, what and/or why? no i have no reason to do that, if you do that then the relationship is in trouble

Would you want your SO hiding something from you, even if you were upset already? no. she has told me things that upset me and yes it made me angry but it was good that she told me it made us stronger and love each other more

[Swederica]

Have you ever hidden something from your SO? If so, what and/or why?

No i don't think so.
I've told her everything, even how embarrassing it may be.

Would you want your SO hiding something from you, even if you were upset already?

No. I want her to be honest about anything really.
I rather take all the upsetness at once instead of spread out.