What to do about doubt?

[Jezah]

Hey all, its me again. Its been a bit, because I have been taking it slow with HBB trying to get us back to where we could be together and happy. I have a new therapist and that is good, got some good news medically...and yet through all this good stuff I still feel so much doubt about HBB and his feelings for me. A week ago we nearly split because of a really bad fight over him almost deciding to break his plans to come in the fall, and after what he did this summer I lost it. I really did, I for a full day was sure I no longer loved him. The next day I wasn't so sure as I missed him so terribly, but when we talked it disintegrated into a fight again. This time however, he told ME he needed to "think if he still wanted this relationship". I turned into a huge mess, completely devastated that after all of this, all I forgave he would turn around and reject me...or consider it. After me sobbing for an hour he finally said "I am an idiot, I love you and I always say that is all that matters so its not even a question, I want this relationship". I felt numb for a few days after that, it was just so traumatizing and hard.

So now to today, we had plans for a 'date night' tomorrow, and I guess he randomly forgot and made plans to go help his mom. Another fight, another time when HE screwed up but someone manages to make it about me being unreasonable and asking too much. He never seems remorseful, maybe he says sorry (literally he must say it like 50 times) but his actions are so defensive and angry I don't see it. Then as always the fight never gets finished or resolved really because its 'too late' and he 'needs to go to bed'. This has just all combined into a ball of doubt niggling at my mind, making me think he doesn't love me as much as he says, doesn't want to be together, or maybe just doesn't like talking to me anymore. He denies it, always says he will make it up to me, but never does.

I can't even get mad, I used to scream and yell, now all my anger seems to gather into a big ball in my stomach making me sick. I feel too exhausted to even yell, instead I just cry. How can I put away this doubt and trust him when he says he loves me, and that all these mistakes were just mistakes and not signs?

[tanaquil]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My SO has a habit of being forgetful and would forget skype dates and phone calls, which would make me furious. He has a tendency to push the blame away from himself; that, mixed with my tendency to blame myself, makes a horrible and sickening combination. I felt like I could never get angry at him, too, and I'd have my doubts about him, too.

I don't really have any amazing advice since I'm in too similar of a situation, but I think you should sit down and talk to him calmly. /: Tell him how you feel, how horrible it is. If he cares, he'll at least listen.

[LilyChiba]

After doing this women's course the last few days (and I'd recommend it to anyone who lived near me), I've come to realise that no woman should ever settle for second best. One of the things the lady told us to do was write a list of everything you want in a man, and don't settle for anything less than that. She was also brought up a scenario whereby if you were married/long term relationship and your SO as a guy is asked by his mum to do something when he's already made plans for you, would you accept she needs the help. There was a lot of differing positions on this. If it was something important enough, sure. The lady who was lecturing us said that WE are the number one woman in their life and if they can't get balls enough to stand up to that, then they don't deserve us or what we give to them. So unless he stands up for himself, as I've read other people say in your threads, you will never get the time you need together. And at this point, you are settling for second best. He needs to want to change that for himself though. You can't force him. And if he doesn't change, it might very well be a deal breaker for you. I know for a fact if it was my SO and he was constantly disappearing for his mum when we haven't had much time to spend or had stuff planned, I would be pissed and chewing him out something chronic.

[Dziubka]

Sometimes doubt is there for a reason. If your gut feeling is telling you something very clearly, then maybe it's time to listen to it.

[kteire]

I'm not sure that how he's acting shows that he doesn't love you as much as you thought, but it definitely shows a complete disregard for you, and a lack of respect for your needs. I am so happy to hear that it sounds like, apart from him, things have really turned around for you. That's what makes me think that you need some space from him...

What you need (particularly right now when things are starting to improve) is consistency and reliability in a partner, and he's not providing that. Not by a long shot. And maybe it's just me, but I think those kind of mistakes are signs. Have you thought about seriously considering whether you still want this relationship? You can do better, and believe me, you deserve better. He needs to grow up and it doesn't sound like he's in a hurry to do so.

Sorry this is all sounding a bit scatter-brained, quite tired. But basically, don't write off the doubt. It's there for a reason, and I think you need to consider what your gut feelings are. If he's like this now, there's absolutely no guarantee that he will ever be the person you need him to be later. And while it sucks, it might be loads better for your mental health to not have him as a consistent source of disappointment.

[Jezah]

I know his actions may not seem like a doomsday sign.... but it is all so different from how he used to be and how we used to be. He has been so busy lately, and almost all of that has been because he chose to do this that or something else. Its like he is choosing to be busy and not have time for me. It just hurts.

[Malaga]

The problem is there is no consistency whatsoever in your relationship, you can't rely on anything he says or does as you know he'll backtrack or take it back sooner or later, before he does another U turn. If you're honest with yourself, you have to accept that you can be pretty volatile too. You guys have to tone it down. Perhaps it's too soon to expect to commit to each other and plan the future together when you haven't built the foundations of your friendship yet. Eclaire recently posted a thread with some exercises you could do together, have a look at the forum. Most of all, you both have to understand what the lack of consistency is doing to your relationship, it is bound to drive a wedge between you two as it's happening right now. You need to create a stabile environment in your relationship, which means less temper, less arguments, less expectations, more patience for each other, and a little more independence for both of you. You're not supposed to be on opposite sides, you should have understanding and support for each other, and work on your dialogue.

Trust can't just magically appear, it has to develop, and the only way it can develop is when he shows he's trustworthy and serious. Don't forget to do your part too.

Good luck xx

[Rugger]

Sometimes doubt is there for a reason. If your gut feeling is telling you something very clearly, then maybe it's time to listen to it.

This so hard.

[Jgui]

I agree with the poster who says listen to your gut feeling. Sometimes it's a way of protecting ourselves. Have you guys actually talked about where the relationship is headed and what you both want? A long lasting relationship doesn't just happen overnight. It requires work and dedication from both parties and a strong foundation also.

I hope things will work out for you