Is it impossible to get back together through distance?
Hello all...I did post on a few other forums, but I wanted a good perspective from different experiences and advice if possible. First off I'm really glad I found this website although it was a little late considering I was just broken up by my SO. Although it went down I really would like to work things out and get back together with him. Maybe the old relationship should have been destroyed since it was toxic at times, but to build a new one with him would be something I would like to do...at the same time I would have to have that stubborn guy consider this as well.
I'm sorry this is a long post, but I wanted to get some perspective and so here I am again looking for some sound advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years...most of it Long Distance. He is in the military so there was a few times when he was in deployment so it was mutual that we couldn't be together. But mainly because I'm Japanese and I always was stubborn in stating that I didn't want to feel like I was marrying him for a visa...and now having a visa would solve all this mess in the first place since we would be together by now.
We had a few rough patches with a big blowout off period (2 months) and then back on since then. When we were on which is 90% of the time it was great. We loved each other and visited when we could financially (USA and Asia so its a costly trip). We always talked about being together long term...but I never set a date on when it was ending. I was always there for him through his really tough times and talking him out of those times. He has always been there for me and still considers me his best friend.
We had been texting frequently as of late and things were great. We were discussing when I could see him later this August when things settled down for him with his job working all week long. It was all so well until a few days ago when he just quiet down.
This morning he and I talked...and he told me that we should break up because he can't be in a serious relationship right now. He finally is stable in his job, likes working there, and I always encouraged him to follow his dreams. He also is going back to school (with my advice and prompting) and has a lot going on. So he said that he didn't want to stop the motion and couldn't be with me because he feels that we are going in different directions. He couldn't be in a serious relationship right now because of all this in his life.
I was a little upset and cried a little at first, but after the first 5 minutes I calmed down and was very level headed. I didn't beg or acted insane. I thought things through and appealed to him logically. I told him that I didn't feel like we were going in different directions just took a very long time for us to get in sync and cross paths which we are right now. My mistake is that I have terrible timing and I should have agreed to be with him sooner. I just simply told him well we should put an end to the long distance part of the relationship and do what we always wanted to and be with each other.
He did mention that once he let go of hope of us being together that it was easier in letting go...and that not living to be with me on a daily basis made him feel better. I did tell him he should be living every day for himself and not for someone else. I always complemented him, but that wasn't always the case. We did grow up a little together from early college to almost thirtys. The image he has is a bit of myself when I was in my irrational state post college and I feel we both changed in a good way together and grew up. I did tell him that I wanted to be with him and that everything he wanted (house, kids, dog, etc.) was what I wanted with him and we were not going in separate paths but it was crossing finally.
He kept saying that he didn't want to hurt me and that he still considered me his best friend...but I was calm collected and told him that I much rather be with him than without him. His reasoning was that he had a lot going on and he wanted to keep it going and not stop. He just felt as though we were on different paths. He said that he wanted to be like his co-workers, have a family, a house, and etc...which is what we've talked about but not really discussed. I was calm and he doesn't think I am a total insane girl which I think helps. He and I are on the same page, its just him giving up hope made him drop my out of his life and I know we are meant to be otherwise we wouldn't have lasted this long from post college to almost thirty. He is worried his best years are passing by.
I would like to make things better with him and reconcile...it is hard with distance, but 7 years is not something that I take lightly and with all our ups and downs we've always managed to figure out a way...any help advice would be great. I was considering CD this time when I was visiting him in August but that I am not sure is happening if we aren't together. I was always making up excuses to not CD and I know he got tired of waiting...I just want to get it through his thick head that he doesn't have to wait because I want to do it and be with him...but him telling me he doesn't think he can be in a serious relationship puts a damper on things...ok I'm rambling! Sorry
I'm sorry this is a long post, but I wanted to get some perspective and so here I am again looking for some sound advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years...most of it Long Distance. He is in the military so there was a few times when he was in deployment so it was mutual that we couldn't be together. But mainly because I'm Japanese and I always was stubborn in stating that I didn't want to feel like I was marrying him for a visa...and now having a visa would solve all this mess in the first place since we would be together by now.
We had a few rough patches with a big blowout off period (2 months) and then back on since then. When we were on which is 90% of the time it was great. We loved each other and visited when we could financially (USA and Asia so its a costly trip). We always talked about being together long term...but I never set a date on when it was ending. I was always there for him through his really tough times and talking him out of those times. He has always been there for me and still considers me his best friend.
We had been texting frequently as of late and things were great. We were discussing when I could see him later this August when things settled down for him with his job working all week long. It was all so well until a few days ago when he just quiet down.
This morning he and I talked...and he told me that we should break up because he can't be in a serious relationship right now. He finally is stable in his job, likes working there, and I always encouraged him to follow his dreams. He also is going back to school (with my advice and prompting) and has a lot going on. So he said that he didn't want to stop the motion and couldn't be with me because he feels that we are going in different directions. He couldn't be in a serious relationship right now because of all this in his life.
I was a little upset and cried a little at first, but after the first 5 minutes I calmed down and was very level headed. I didn't beg or acted insane. I thought things through and appealed to him logically. I told him that I didn't feel like we were going in different directions just took a very long time for us to get in sync and cross paths which we are right now. My mistake is that I have terrible timing and I should have agreed to be with him sooner. I just simply told him well we should put an end to the long distance part of the relationship and do what we always wanted to and be with each other.
He did mention that once he let go of hope of us being together that it was easier in letting go...and that not living to be with me on a daily basis made him feel better. I did tell him he should be living every day for himself and not for someone else. I always complemented him, but that wasn't always the case. We did grow up a little together from early college to almost thirtys. The image he has is a bit of myself when I was in my irrational state post college and I feel we both changed in a good way together and grew up. I did tell him that I wanted to be with him and that everything he wanted (house, kids, dog, etc.) was what I wanted with him and we were not going in separate paths but it was crossing finally.
He kept saying that he didn't want to hurt me and that he still considered me his best friend...but I was calm collected and told him that I much rather be with him than without him. His reasoning was that he had a lot going on and he wanted to keep it going and not stop. He just felt as though we were on different paths. He said that he wanted to be like his co-workers, have a family, a house, and etc...which is what we've talked about but not really discussed. I was calm and he doesn't think I am a total insane girl which I think helps. He and I are on the same page, its just him giving up hope made him drop my out of his life and I know we are meant to be otherwise we wouldn't have lasted this long from post college to almost thirty. He is worried his best years are passing by.
I would like to make things better with him and reconcile...it is hard with distance, but 7 years is not something that I take lightly and with all our ups and downs we've always managed to figure out a way...any help advice would be great. I was considering CD this time when I was visiting him in August but that I am not sure is happening if we aren't together. I was always making up excuses to not CD and I know he got tired of waiting...I just want to get it through his thick head that he doesn't have to wait because I want to do it and be with him...but him telling me he doesn't think he can be in a serious relationship puts a damper on things...ok I'm rambling! Sorry
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