The "Other People" in the Relationship

[tanaquil]

Hey everyone! Sorry for this topic, I swear this summer is driving me crazy with all the thinking and mulling over my relationship >>

PROBLEM ONE: L. The best female friend.

My SO and I have always had a bit of a rocky relationship while we were physically together given the fact that I think both of have mild mental health issues and he had academic problems. I stayed in my university for summer courses and so did one of his best female friends (completely platonic, dating one of his best friends). Let's call her L. L and I never got along very well; I always felt she was judging me and my friends.

Since we were both staying on campus and lived a minute away from each other, I figured I'd invite her out to dinner and try to get to know her better. I tried to steer the conversation away from my relationship as often as possible, but soon she started talking about it. She said we were always complaining about each other and we were always blaming each other for things yet were somehow always in love with each other, which she "didn't understand" because we "didn't make each other happy".

We were walking back and she said how my relationship with my SO didn't help with his depression and she's not "blaming anyone". She also mentioned that I was annoying around him.

I feel so guilty and don't have the heart to tell my SO about what she said. I just sent him a text telling him how much I loved him. L and him were at heads once because of our relationship as he caught her complaining and gossiping about our relationship.

That was a few months ago but every once in a while I can't help but sniffle and feel ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE. Please note that my SO and I do butt heads once in a while but we get over things so quickly and are very attached to each other /:

Any advice? Should I bring this up with my SO?

Have any of you felt this way? A rogue mutual friend spilling dirt on your relationship or complicating it??

I realise this kind of demonises me, but I swear my SO and I get along well and we're both rather nice people. Wow, that sounds cocky to say :P but, really, I'm not some whiny, horrible girlfriend.

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PROBLEM TWO: C. The girl that never was.

My SO was once obsessed with a girl, C, who was a year above him and in a relationship with one of his friends. Apparently, he had idealised her to the point where he didn't like her for her. I mentioned it to him and he got rather angry (I did a bad thing and brought someone else in, which was what angered him). He told me I can't compare myself to other people, that she's a good friend. I don't think he understood why I was feeling so awful.

He says he's completely over her and he's with me because he loves me. But, still, I have extremely low self-esteem and she just seems to be a physical representation of someone who is better than me: at an Ivy League, smart, popular .... I don't know. Any advice on what I should do? How to get my mind off things?

Has your SO's past love(s) gotten in the way of how you view yourself/your relationship?

THANKS! <3 sorry for the rant!!

[Dezface]

My SO will have to talk to his ex-wife for the rest of his life due to their son. This has caused me tons of stress. And in reality, it's uncalled for because I know, without a doubt, that he has no feelings left for her and loves only me. But I still get jealous every so often. I think a lot of it is because he was always so subservient to her. I'm always afraid she's going to cause a problem and he'll bend to her will. It hasn't really happened yet, at least in the him and I context, so maybe I'm worried for nothing. In fact, she was pretty good when he told her about me and the fact that he came over to see me for awhile.

I guess all of it is me making a bigger issue of it in my mind than it needs to be. It's probably what you're doing too. Maybe it's just part of being female. Who knows. But whatever it is, try to not make a problem when there isn't one, it will only cause more heartache.

That's all in reference to your second problem. As for your first with the random friend, I'd have been PISSED. I don't tolerate people talking badly about my relationships. I don't even let people say things about my ex-husband and lord knows sometimes I can't think of a nice word to say about him. If someone dared tell me my SO and I don't make each other happy, of have let them have it. A relationship is extremely personal. And unless you're directly asking her for her input, she has no right to be butting in. Especially when she's more his friend than yours. I'd have told him and made it clear that she does not need to be in your business.

[redapple]

I think i'd tell him about the conversation with the friend. If i was him (and you) i'd have been really angry and i also think he should know what his friends say to you, if one of my friends said a similar thing to my SO i'd definitely want to know. It also understandably bothering you and he should know that too.

[Zephii]

I wanted to answer this last night, but there were too many distractions. Let's see if I remember the gist of what I was going to say

One thing we all need to be aware of is how people outside our relationships view the relationship. Some people don't care, others do - but it's good to be aware.
A lot of marital advice for this reason encourages people not to talk to outsiders about their relationship problems, especially if you're not the bragging type and you don't make a big deal out of the things that are great in the relationship. If all anyone ever sees is that you are both fighting and miserable, of course they are going to wonder why you're still persisting with the relationship.

Before either of you open up to your friends when the relationship is having issues, you need to know that person well enough to be confident they are aware that relationships are never all sunshine and rainbows, and that just because there are issues, it doesn't mean you're not deliriously happy. Also, both of you must be aware that if you talk about someone to a person who does not know your partner well (or whoever you're discussing), they are going to gradually form an opinion about that person in their mind. - basically, where I'm going with this is, if your SO has gone to L with his relationship problems before she had a chance to know you, she's going to already have an idea what she thinks about you, and it looks like that's not working in your favour.

At some point, it's good to talk to your SO about who should be confided in. For example, Obi and I have an agreement about who we talk to. He knows I come here, and that there is very little my sister does not know about our relationship (which can include sexual stuff, how his family treat me, what I think of his friends or basically anything other than his deepest innermost secrets.) and in return, I know that his four best mates might very well hear about that great blowjob I gave last night, and that his dad likely knows more about our finances than I'm truly comfortable with We also have the right to ban certain topics with certain people and have done so in the past.

I think it's worth talking to your SO about L, but I personally would wait for a new incident before doing so, because she might have gotten over any jealousy issue she may have been having, or he may have stopped complaining about you to her, or whatever. It was several months ago... so I'd try to just let it go, and make a new attempt at befriending her. The issue may no longer be an issue, if you know what I mean.

Problem 2 -

The only problem here, is a problem you are creating in your own mind.

We all doubt ourselves occasionally. There is always going to be someone who's prettier, or smarter, or better dressed, or funnier than us. Always. Sometimes that's just our perceptions, and sometimes it's a plain fact - but whatever the reason, we can't let ourselves get hung up on it. There's always someone better, and always someone worse, that's just how it is. So, he's right in the "you can't compare yourself to other people" thing. Envy and jealousy don't enrich your life, so don't by into them. Stop giving these "better" people so much thought.

Now, he liked this chick before he got together with you. BEFORE. He's with you now. Most of us at some point in our lives are going to date people who have loved someone before us, or who have had massive embarrassing crushes. That's just how it is. Unless he's hanging out with her alone every other day and he actually gives you a real reason to worry, you need to let him have his own past (because everyone has one, and don't deserve to have it held against them) and make yourself focus on something positive and relevant.

I know it's hard. There was a period of time where my SO didn't want to love me, and we were best friends, telling each other everything. I know who he dated in that period, who he slept with, who he wanted to love more than me, so that he could forget about me... and for a while there, he was still friends with these other people after he and I went official. Yes I felt threatened, and I felt their overtures to him threatened our relationship. It took me a long time to wrap my mind around the fact that he was now mine, and that's were he truly wanted to be. But, only time and good behaviour on your SOs part can give you that security, and you need to not be pushing him away with unnecessary worries that may feel like accusations (to him) in the meantime.

I guess to get your mind of these things I'd suggest using positive affirmations. Pay attention to when the bad thoughts come, and when they do push them away and firmly tell yourself "He loves me, for me. I am perfect in his eyes" or "I am unconcerned how others feel about my relationship, I am happy" or "I will focus on being the best person I can be, knowing that life is not a competition." Keep repeating these things to yourself if need be. And, also, go do something that will keep your mind busy so you don't have so much time to mull over this kind of stuff.

Best wishes!

[tanaquil]

Wow, guys, thanks for the great words of wisdom! I honestly didn't expect to read such great posts. I wish I could make a reply post that's as awesome as the advice you gave me.

@Dezface: Oh, no, that sounds really difficult. /: more complicated than mine, so I guess I shouldn't be complaining. And definitely, I think being female does something when it comes to relationships and tends to exacerbate how bad an issue may seem. But thank you very much! (:

@redapple: Definitely ... I'll think about telling him, if it's worth it. Thanks!

@Zephii: This is a lovely post, thanks! And, yeah, reading your post I definitely started rethinking about telling people about the relationship, or at least making some sort of rule about the people we talk about our relationship with. I'll definitely try rekindling my friendship with L -- she's one of my SO's closest friends so I think it's nice to be at least cordial with her. As for the second problem, yes, I know how it feels to be someone's friend and have that friend have no feelings for you. /: I suppose it's difficult to be this logical when you have so much emotion placed on the issue/person. And it's difficult for me to think someone else actually can love me enough to forget about other people. But thank you so much!!!