Update on my LDR

[SDPersona]

Hi!

I've last written about my anxieties during my vacation with my boyfriend and his family. Now, after my boyfriend left for his hometown four days ago, I want to update all of you on what is going on with me, because I need to get it out of my chest to people who are going/went through something similiar and I need wise words again.

Despite my anxieties and adjusting to being together again, I decided that our vacation was wonderful. Especially when we were at my place. Still, there were some surpises. Like, for instance, after having sex for the first time, he told me he wants to save sex for marriage. That was news to me. I knew he didn't want sex while around family and I knew his mother is especially anxious I not get pregnant. I told him before that I have BC and that he shouldn't worry about it. Also his friends teased him about not getting me pregnant. Oh, and he's Christian. Not hard-core like, but still. Also, he does not want to have sex, because he is afraid of pregnancy. Anyway, him not wanting sex made me feel rejected. A few days later, I got clarification and told him how I felt about it. In the end, we both decided to wait for marriage to have sex to prevent pregnancy. Now, personally I'm not Christian, at least not yet, and that's the first time I'm dealing with something like this. I'm out of my depth here. He is so completely different to the men I'm used to. I'm also sometimes thinking "Does he really want to wait for marriage to have sex or does he just not want to have sex with ME?" "Is he seriously saying he wants to get married to me?" Because I really do not think that saying you want to save sex for marriage is a promis for actual marriage. Anybody knows advice to this situation????

Another thing is, he found out he does not want to move to Austria for several reasons. I accepted that on face value. If he doesn't think he wants to, then there is nothing to do about it. It's now up to me to decide if I want to move to South Africa. I also decided if I should move to SA, I'd want to because I love the country myself and not only because of my SO. He knows that. Problem is, this country is very different to mine and I know if I move there, there is a lot of adjusting to do. The climate, the food, the people, work,... It's very difficult for me to decide now so I said I want to visit it one more time. Besides, I wouldn't be ready to move now. I don't have that financial background to get me through that process. It would be a stupid idea now.
I've also told my mom about what's going on and she feels he's forcing me to move, which I disagreed with. My perspective on things is, that he is leaving up the choice to me and not the other way around. Still, she asked me, if it's fair that I have to give up a lot... I responded to it, that in LDR you can't have it fair sometimes. What do you think?
My boyfriend also said that if I want to make it there I have to be more stable. To get a thicker fur in other words. Right now, I'm too sensitive. I eat like a bird, I get insecure sometimes and I'm meek sometimes (if people don't know me that well). I know I do want a better me, but at the same time I'm feeling like he wants to change me into the woman he wants.

At the moment our relationships stands on shaky feet, but we're not giving up easily. I said I don't want to give up that easily, because we had a year and a half together and I do love him. Very much. It's just ... there's too many doubts at the moment and I don't feel very sure about our relationship.

[temporaryuser]

As for the sex, bc is NOT 100% reliable. i have a son to prove it (and my mom was on bc when i was conceived). Abstinence is really the only sure fire way to prevent pregnancy. it is a scary thing, especially with an LDR, and you two being in 2 different countries.
As for moving, dont rush it. With a move such as this, you better be damn sure you are ready for the changes.

[Snowlilly]

If he is truly religious, then yes he is serious about waiting until marriage with sex. My soon to be ex is very religious and those are his same views. The other things is, if you are not christian/religious you need to think about how you feel about that as this issue will continue to come up once you have children, and even if you don't. Like going to church, what religious views will your children be raised in. How much bible studying you two will do together, etc. My husband underwent a religious rebirth shortly after we were married and it created a tremendous amount of problems for us as I am not religious at all. Religious views of your partner can affect everything from what you listen to in music, what you watch on tv, what you do sex wise, what friends you have, etc. I was married 23 years so trust me, I can write a book about that. You two need to def discuss this issue before you move because if this is an important aspect in his life, it will not go away.

[Zephii]

Snowlilly has great advice, like always.

I personally don't understand the "even though we've already had sex, lets stop doing that until we're married" thing. Your virginity isn't going to grow back or anything But, I think it's a pretty solid decision to not have sex until you're ready to have children. Even though BC pills + condoms is probably just as effective (and if you still got pregnant, I'd be calling it "gods will"!) if you're not ready... really terrified of having kids not ready.. than not having sex is the best option.

There are a lot of different kinds of sex though, so is it just intercourse that's now off the table or the whole shebang? I guess my advice would be to find out where he stands on oral, mutual masturbation, anal, etc.

With the moving thing, I think your mum is right.

I once had a similar conversation with Obi, and whilst at the time I was perfectly willing to move to Canada to be with him, I still recognised that it wasn't fair and I said as much. He was all like "Oh I'm not making you move to Canada" and I was like, "Bullshit. You're giving me the choice of moving to your country, or breaking up with you. There's no third option and no compromising."
So yeah, while he doesn't have a gun to your head or anything, I think it's selfish and manipulative to outright refuse to live in your SOs country unless there's a FAR better reason than "I don't want to". He's not leaving the choice up to you - he's leaving the survival of the relationship up to you, and that's not cool.

These things combined though suggest to me that perhaps he's just scared and having commitment issues here. He suddenly doesn't want to have sex with you, wont move to you, says that you don't have a strong enough character to survive where he is.... Something's got red flags here.

I wish I had some decent advice to give today.

[dglynn77]

So, I'd say definitely look into South Africa to make sure that is somewhere you want to live, or would even feel safe living. I recently made friends with a family that left South Africa in the past few years due to unstable job market and huge safety issues. Yes, there are problems everywhere, but I know many South Africans are looking to move to Canada/Australia right now.

Probably not the advice you are looking for, but as I am just learning all this, I thought I would pass on the caution

[Malaga]

I find it a bit creepy his mother and friends are so involved in your sex life, I don't know his age but if he's around 25 like you, that's just over the top. It's one thing if he doesn't want to have sex because of his religious principles, but if he doesn't want to have sex because he's afraid of getting you pregnant, that sounds just a bit unreasonable, given that you could protect yourself in so many ways. And true, no contraception is 100% effective but you could combine several methods for more security. With all those options not having sex for fear of pregnancy is the equivalence of not going out of the house for the fear of getting hit by a bus.

It's entirely possible that he's just not ready or has an issue with sex, but I think you have to clear it out with him before making plans to close the distance. As well as his mother's influence on your relationship.

Sounds about right what Zephii said, it seems like he's finding excuses to take a step back. Please hold off any plans until you find out the reasons he's doing this.

Good luck *hugs*

[Dziubka]

He told you after you had sex that he wanted to wait for marriage? Had you discussed that before?
I feel like it's too important a topic for it to not come up at some point before. You have to decide whether you're ok with waiting until marriage and with him changing his mind about important issues like that.
Birth control, if used correctly, is pretty safe. The minimal risk is really not a good reason to not have sex imho.

As for him not wanting to move to Austria:
I've argued the point more than once before and I'm going to defend it again. I don't think that it's always fair to say that "if you don't want to live in my country, I don't want to live in yours." Sometimes "I don't want to" is a perfectly valid argument. Moving to a different country isn't the same for everyone. It can be easy and a welcome adventure for some and a nightmare for others.
You met in SA, right? I guess your SO doesn't speak German?
I met my boyfriend in his country as well. When we met he didn't know German safe for a few basics and was still living in the same part of the same city where he was born. I on the other hand had lived in his country for a year before meeting him, than moved halfway through my country and back to his country. I spoke his language, I wasn't too attached to my home or my family. It would have been sooooo much easier for me to move. If he hadn't wanted to ever move to my country, I would have accepted that.
Obviously you have to consider his reasons and how comfortable you are with moving to his country. If it's equally difficult for the both of you to move, you need to find a compromise to make your relationship work.

[SDPersona]

Hi!

Sorry for my absence and thank you for your replies so far - some of those are very helpful!

Recently I took some days off for myself. I was so tired of it, of being off-balance for quite a while/having too much anxieties. I didn't want to think about it anymore. I was losing sleep over it. So I said stop. I took the time to do something else and enjoy time with my friends. I didn't talk to my boyfriend at all. Just some days ago I took some time for me to think it over and reevaluate it. I want to see how my relationship, him and I is and what I feel about it. I also took the time to think about what you all were saying to me, what my gut, my head, my family and my friends all say. It made me decide on some things and some of them I'm going to have to talk to him about it.

Some facts for you: My boyfriend is 23 years old and his whole family is Christian. And he told me before the vacation that he doesn't want to have sex, but I took it to mean that he doesn't want to have sex while his family is around. For me, it wasn't clear that he didn't want sex ever - at least not until after marriage. And I think he definitely should have cleared that up again before we had sex and not go on just to please me. I didn't enjoy it for a number of reasons . He went too fast, I was not prepared and I had problems with my vagina due to Nuvaring. Also I felt it was over the top putting on TWO condoms and my own BC. He even asked me again, if I'm sure I had it. I feel like he didn't trusted me with it, which is an issue all its on. Anyway, we cleared that up with that no-sex-until-marriage decision thing, which for us means we're not going to have intercourse but are still playing around. Masturbation, heavy petting, pleasuring each other with sex toys, oral... that sort of thing. I'm alright with that decision, just not ok with the way how it came about (in the middle of vacation with me having anxieties and just after sex).

The religion thing is definitely on the list of things to talk to him about, snow lilly, so I can find out what he actually wants. I don't want to move and get surprised with things I did not expect. The most important thing should be out of the way before I ever move. Which brings me to the moving topic itself. Now, on the one hand I feel very much like Dziubka that it's ok if he doesn't want to move because it's too different for him and that he much rather wants to stay in SA. But I also have to concur with my mom and Zephii, it's not completely fair. I can say the same thing to him on the topic of me moving to his country. I noticed he said a lot of things where I have to bend a bit. Or at least, if I move, I do and give up a lot for him. Now I wouldn't mind bending a bit, out of love, but where is he going to bend? I've always thought relationships are about compromise. Is it weird to feel that way? Oh, and I talked with my dad recently and he said if he won't do some things for you out of love, then it never was love for him.

One other thing: I found out after some thinking, that I would have prefered it if we had more time for us alone instead of spending it touring with his family, no matter how nice I think they are. I feel like things would be different if we had three weeks for us alone, so that we can spend it talking and getting to know each other more. I feel like he doesn't really know me and the things I like to do. I was mostly quiet while on vacation and I'm different when I'm around my friends. Also, a male friend who I really like because he listens to me and wants to know my opinons on things recently told me that he has feelings for me. I told him I can't give him what he wants because I already love someone other. We're just really good friends that have some common hobbies. Whereas me and my boyfriend are like night and day. I have a very different perspective on my relationship now than a year ago. I'm sure I was very much in love with him then. Now I just love him and I'm wondering if we have a future. Our relationship is not in good health right now. We talk very little and with lots of distance. He may be scared or having problems, he may not. Did any of you ever had difficult times in your relationships and how did you get through?

There are a lot of things that I have to think about, but what helped me most was a post somewhere on this board. I don't know who said it, but he/she said love is also a decision. If you decide to stay together, then you have to work things out. And start working on the relationship instead of just enjoying it. But first I'm going to have to find out if he still wants to continue and fight for it.

[alesitag]

There are lots of things i'd like to say in response to your post, but im on the ipod, so i'll stick to the one which is disturbing me the most...

YOU SHOULD NEVER WEAR TWO CONDOMS!!!

Thats a recipe for disaster as both condoms rub against each other and the friction makes it easier for them to break ending up in the exact same way he's trying to avoid, an unwanted pregnancy.

I'll try to reply later to the rest of the post...

[SDPersona]

YOU SHOULD NEVER WEAR TWO CONDOMS!!!

Thats a recipe for disaster as both condoms rub against each other and the friction makes it easier for them to break ending up in the exact same way he's trying to avoid, an unwanted pregnancy.

I so DID NOT know that!!! Well, guess, I learnt something new again today. And tell the next time I get into a situation like this.

Yesterday I had two bad dreams and it was about us breaking up. The one time it's me who breaks up with him and the other time it's him who breaks up with me... Totally fits my situation, even if I'm not taking dreams serious. I guess it's my mind trying to work through issues that are on my mind. I hate it...

[alesitag]

you can Google a bit about all contraception methods... here's a link I found with some information

https://www.health.arizona.edu/healt...twocondoms.htm

[SDPersona]

Yes, thank you. Googled it after you told me about that little fact. And I thought I knew enough about contraception!