My relationship has no future.

[happyshazam7]

My boyfriend is Muslim, I'm an atheist. He told me today that he had been talking about me to a friend and the friend told him that he won't be able to marry me, because I'm not a Muslim, Christian, or Jew. So my boyfriend told me about this today and said he's been heartbroken for two days, and he didn't want to tell me but he knows now that he can't marry me and he couldn't keep that from me. (Sidenote - I did actually know about this rule, but he hadn't brought it up, so I hadn't. He thinks that there is only one version of Islam, but really he's just been raised in an insular culture with a strong, particular brand of Islam, and I don't always know what his rules will be compared to the Islam I know of from my American muslim friends.) So of course I cried, and my heart hurt, and I wish that he would just break this stupid rule but I know that he won't, because he doesn't take his religion lightly. So we talked about our options - break up now, or stay together and enjoy the time that we have together even though we know it will have to come to an end. And we both definitely decided to enjoy the time that we have, because we're just not ready to say goodbye to each other because we can't get married someday.

There are a few reasons I think I can do this. First of all, I'm crazy about him. I love him. And walking away a second before I have to is unthinkable to me. And also, marriage has never been a priority of mine. I've known for a while that it's not important to me, but if I fell in love with someone to whom marriage was important, I'm not against it. (For my boyfriend, marriage is a priority. It's part of his culture and it's definitely something he feels is required of him.) I feel that everything in life is temporary, and for most people life involves a series of relationships. I was in a serious and wonderful relationship for five years that I would never give up, even though it didn't work out. I'm not saying that I didn't want to spend my whole life with him, because I wish we could. But I guess at the least we can have some wonderful visits together, hopefully spend some summers together, and enjoy this love and this relationship while it's in our lives.

But obviously, this hurts like crazy. I can't even type these words without crying. And in the back of my mind, I think that if the time comes when we would have to break up (he's young, so it will be at least several years before he starts getting any pressure to get married) and we can't bear to do it, the only option left would be for me to convert. And on the one hand, I don't care about that. I'm completely, 100% nonreligious and nonspiritual (it feels like a part of the brain that other people have and I don't). So it wouldn't be sacrilegious for me, it wouldn't mean anything at all. But I would never believe in it. It would be playing pretend. And I don't think that would be good enough for my boyfriend, either.

So I don't know. Here's what I guess I'm saying - I'm deciding to have a relationship that has no future, because I believe what I get out of it in the present is worth it. And I think he feels the same. But if anyone has advice for how to enjoy the here and now and not just feel grief for the future we won't have, I would appreciate it.

[sewbama]

He's an adult right? (or would be when the time came for you to get married, at least?) He can marry whoever he wants. This is obviously not something important to him or his culture. Just something someone told him some people believe. I'm not very religious either, though I tend to identify as Buddhist (very much a do-what-feels-right-to-you kind of religion). So I can't understand someone telling me that they can't marry me because other people don't want them to. If it's his decision, that's fine. But I don't think that's the case if he's choosing to continue the relationship. If it's important to him to have a relationship with a muslim, he should have started the relationship with that in mind.

I don't think you're crazy for continuing to be with him, though. If marriage isn't that important to you and you can consider a happily-ever-after with him and no ring, or without him, then no problem. But I don't think the first time he heard of this "rule" is the time to be making rash decisions. He needs to think about whether or not it is really important to him and his relationship with god. Or if he could be with you long term without marriage. So just hang on. You'll find what is right for your relationship eventually, either way.

Best of luck.

[happyshazam7]

Thanks, Sewbama. The reasons I think it's a serious problem are 1) It is the official rule. Muslims can only marry people of the book - Muslims, Christians, and Jews. I guess he didn't know that before, and I didn't have the heart to bring it up. I think the reason he didn't know that rule is because he grew up only surrounded by other Muslims, so it never even came up. 2) He tends to follow the rules of his religion. He doesn't drink, is waiting until marriage, all that stuff. So while there's a chance that as years go by he'll change, I'm certainly not going to expect that - I think I have to assume that he will stay at least as religious as he is now. Then again, he is willing to have a relationship with me, even though he's not exactly supposed to be doing that, either. Man, religion is complicated. It's way easier to be nonreligious and not have those kind of strictures...

But it felt nice that you have hope for me. Thank you.

[Moon]

Oh boy, this is a tough one, I'm sorry. You're right in that he can't just marry whomever he wants, Islam's rules are quite strict and he lives in a Muslim country, not like here, or the UK, or Canada, etc., where those rules are more easily bent. While I don't think I could continue, knowing that a break up was inevitable (I'm not big on marriage either), you never know what the next few years will bring, I guess. There is always a chance, even if they're slim, like finding work in a non-muslim country. If you're dedicated to the relationship for now, then stay strong and have a little hope, the future is always uncertain anyway.

[TwoThree]

First of all, I'm really sorry you're going through this and I wish things were easier for you.

To put things into perspective (so you wouldn't think I don't know what I'm talking about), I live in a country where Islam is religion of state. I was brought up a muslim and was practicing and pretty devout for most of my life. A few years ago I started having doubts that I could no longer supress, and had to face the realization that I didn't believe in that religion (or any religion for that matter) anymore. I am now an atheist, in a relationship with a fellow atheist (though he has a christian background), but nobody knows that about me in my mostly muslim surrounding.

Please don't take it the wrong way, but I have a hard time believing that your boyfriend being an adult, raised in Egypt, never heard of the rule that a Muslim man cannot marry a woman who is not of his faith, Christian or Jewish (so no atheists, pagans, buddhits, etc, etc.) which, by the way, is a nicer lot than that of Muslim women who can only marry a Muslim man (because hey, who cares about equality) I'm sorry, but that specific verse of the Quran was taught to us in like the third grade in public school, and I don't imagine for a second that Egypt had a more liberal education system than my country does. Most likely he chose denial because he wants to be with you. And now external influence and doubt are surfacing and he decided to come clean to you. Or at least that's what it sounds like to me.

No, what I want to say to you is, if you are willing to continue being in a relationship with him even if you aren't sure of the outcome, you shouldn't lose hope. You are 23, so I'm guessing your SO is around that age. When I was in my early 20's I was pretty hard-core in my beliefs. A few years late I rejected them entirely. People change. I'm no longer the same person I was then, and maybe he will change too. Moon raises a valid point, by saying that if he lived in a "Western" country his vision of Islam might "loosen up" a bit, and that it would be harder if he stayed in Egypt all his life. I am a moderator on an ex-Muslims forum and the majority of its members live in the UK, the US and Canada. However, it's not impossible to change views while still living in a society like Egypt's, and I'm the living proof for it (I had never set foot outside my country before leaving the religion).

I'm not sure you can do anything about it, though, because devout muslims tend to shut down pretty quickly when you start challenging their beliefs, and you wouldn't want to lose him that way. But he seems to care about you deeply, and if you are there for him, maybe that will be enough to disregard that one rule (Many Muslims tend to routinely pick and choose whatever suits them in their religion, hence many of them having pre-marital sex, drinking alcohol and doing drugs. I've seen it with my own eyes.)

However, whatever you do, don't convert for his sake. You said it would be a sham, pretending, dishonest, but that's not even the worse of your problems. A person who converts to Islam cannot openly leave the religion without having a death sentence pending on their head. That is the sad truth. Most people don't act on that rule (thankfully) but it's still there. The punishment for apostasy is death. You really don't want to get involved in that.

Good luck.

[mllebamako]

First of all, I am so sad to read this. I know we had already talked about this rule and you were worried about it coming up someday.

I agree with twothree that it's hard to believe he never knew about this rule. He probably was ignoring it because he loves you and just didn't want to deal with the possibility that you couldn't be together.

You are a really strong person, I don't think I could do what you are doing. But maybe waiting it out will pay off--he could decide that he is so in love that he will break this one rule. I know where I live, Mali, the Islam is very different and much less strict than in Egypt but I also know a lot of very devout Muslims here who pick-and-choose which parts to follow (this goes for other religions too, I know lots of devout Christians, Jews, etc who pick-and-choose as well).

Stay strong!

[happyshazam7]

Thank you guys all for your responses, I really appreciate it. And your sympathy and hope for me help me feel a little better. He is young (five years younger than me, actually), and while I am sure that he will change as he gets older, I don't know how. And I guess every time I've tried to mastermind a relationship it's gone terribly, so the best I can do is just enjoy my relationship day by day. And I do. Talking to him is the highlight of my day and he brings a lot of joy to my life.

And as far as conversion, that's a tiny thought in the back of my mind as the idea of being religious is really unappealing to me. The only reason I even mention it is because I also know that I will change over time, and when it actually comes down to it I may decide that I would at least try, in which case Christianity would suffice, seeing as it's the religion that would require the least amount of research. But you see how flippant I am. I'm a terrible candidate for religion. Also it's 3:30 in the morning so I'm getting weird.

I know that I don't really understand why he can't ignore this one rule. I don't get it. But I'm also not religious and wasn't raised in that culture. I know that he believes his happiness is with me, but many religious people tend to believe that there are more important things than happiness.

Thanks again for your responses.