Update on my LDR break up

[rebelcadet]

I just wanted to say thanks to those who posted comments on my other post (which is also in this section). It's been a week since the break up and although it's still a bit raw in my head I feel a little better knowing that I have a great support system here. I realized that as I wrote it...it became longer, but it is sometimes better to ask the wise men and women of this forum for advice. I really am thankful I found this site because since I joined I have been blessed with kindness and love which makes me hopeful.

A few things to address...yes mine was a 7 year relationship of which he was deployed for 3, and ever time he was down he wanted me to move to him to be his support. Granted yes relationships are a lot of work and more so if its LD it has to be mutual...I had my moments of weakness and when I was down he wasn't there for me, but I was always there for him through texts/phone/skype in any format I could fathom. He and I grew up within the 7 years and we were always there for each other learning from past mistakes.

It was wrong of me to assume that he would always be there for me, but at the same time we never discussed the end game. We always talked about the future getting married, having kids, living together, but at the same time we never had a time line. He only mentioned for me to move in and live with him when he was frustrated or depressed...not married but just move in to be with him. Let the paper work first and we can get the wedding stuff later he once said. At the same time I knew that he wasn't happy with himself and if I was there I could make him happy in the mean time but we would hurt each other later when he calmed down and neither of us had a job/money. I know I am being analytical and logical but that was my thing...he was more the follow your heart type and I now know I should do that a bit more.

He broke up with me and said that he is now destroying what we had. One quote that I really liked from Kent Keit was:

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

I feel that by destroying the relationship we had would enable us to move on to build a new foundation for a relationship in the future. Which is what I would like...I know there's no science or logic but I would like to get back with my boyfriend and finally close the distance.

Yes it hurts...its been only a week and the good I guess is that he hasn't defriended me on Facebook, which he posts massive pictures and updates now on his situation (including his outing with his friends). He would return my text if I texted him and he was available (I have not and we ended at TTYL). I haven't initiated contact for a week...and giving him his space. Reading a lot of self help books and the typical get back together with your ex books it seems they generally suggest a 30 day No Contact period. Right now I am working on myself and trying to change my attitude about making excuses not to do something. I was always making excuses to not move to him, but that was me being afraid...I have to take a leap of faith, I want him to know that I am willing to make changes because I grew up as well.

I would like to go visit him in August but that would mean initiating contact some how to lead to letting him know that I am willing to take risks to be with him...as hollywood cliches go about making one final grand gesture to capture his heart so to say and make solid plans for a future...or just closure to what we had..but without risks nothing gained.

What I would like to know if you have broken up with your SO and gotten back together again some advice, or just general common sense about what I should watch out for/do to make it a reality to be with him. He told me that I was still his best friend...which doesn't help me much and made it really easy for me to leave. I know I am being unreasonable, but at the same time I love him with all my heart and being an eternal optimist and romantic I do believe we have a chance...maybe love doesn't solve everything, but if there is something worth fighting for I think this would be it. I just don't want to be too late that he has moved on completely.

Apologies again for being long (if you are interested in my full story here it's in the same section called Is it impossible to get back together through distance I would link it...but I do not have the minimum posts yet)

[Jayburr]

Rebel,

Very sorry to hear about the break up It's never easy...

Was his main reason for breaking up with you because you didn't want to move to him? If so, I would be careful in your attempt to re-connect with him, especially since you're now saying you would move to him and were fearful of taking the risk before. If that's really his reason, and you want to try to work things out with him again, I would try to make him understand (and, help yourself understand) that, while love some times does require taking risks, you shouldn't take UNNECESSARY risks. Taking a risk, just so that you'll be able to say 'I took the risk by moving to you' isn't a reliable way to make your relationship stronger. Try to remind yourself that real life relationships are not at all comparable to romance in the movies. Flying over oceans and chasing after your SO in the airport to profess your love to them before they leave you forever...is a huge risk that works in the movies every time, but in real life doesn't always work out so well.

My main reason for warning you about risks being unnecessary, is because moving to him might not be the best decision, in terms of how happy you will be long term. Do you know what you'll do for work? Is he planning to support you? Moving to him now sounds great but after a month when you're struggling for money or whatever, that will probably be something you'll both be arguing about, and suddenly things won't be so great, and you'll be stuck, because you moved before you were really prepared to. Has he offered to live with you? Is there a reason why he can't make the move?

It's been exactly 2 weeks since I had to come back home from meeting my SO for the first time, and when I got back, I immediately wanted to move to be with her. My SO helped me realize that, while she would love it if I were closer, it wouldn't be the best idea because I'd have to find new work, probably live in a crappy place, etc... I'm pretty settled in my career, and she is currently in the process of finishing school and developing HER career, so ultimately, it's not ideal for me to move and start my life over. It's simply better for us to wait and make good decisions that will prepare ourselves for a happy future. This way, when we do close the distance, we will have set ourselves up well enough for the long term.

My advice is simply to not jump back into the relationship by offering to move to him when you feel you aren't ready. 7 years is a long time, and I understand you don't want to throw that away, but if you make a risky move like this, you stand to lose a lot more...

[rebelcadet]

Rebel,

Very sorry to hear about the break up It's never easy...

Was his main reason for breaking up with you because you didn't want to move to him? If so, I would be careful in your attempt to re-connect with him, especially since you're now saying you would move to him and were fearful of taking the risk before. If that's really his reason, and you want to try to work things out with him again, I would try to make him understand (and, help yourself understand) that, while love some times does require taking risks, you shouldn't take UNNECESSARY risks. Taking a risk, just so that you'll be able to say 'I took the risk by moving to you' isn't a reliable way to make your relationship stronger. Try to remind yourself that real life relationships are not at all comparable to romance in the movies. Flying over oceans and chasing after your SO in the airport to profess your love to them before they leave you forever...is a huge risk that works in the movies every time, but in real life doesn't always work out so well.

My main reason for warning you about risks being unnecessary, is because moving to him might not be the best decision, in terms of how happy you will be long term. Do you know what you'll do for work? Is he planning to support you? Moving to him now sounds great but after a month when you're struggling for money or whatever, that will probably be something you'll both be arguing about, and suddenly things won't be so great, and you'll be stuck, because you moved before you were really prepared to. Has he offered to live with you? Is there a reason why he can't make the move?

It's been exactly 2 weeks since I had to come back home from meeting my SO for the first time, and when I got back, I immediately wanted to move to be with her. My SO helped me realize that, while she would love it if I were closer, it wouldn't be the best idea because I'd have to find new work, probably live in a crappy place, etc... I'm pretty settled in my career, and she is currently in the process of finishing school and developing HER career, so ultimately, it's not ideal for me to move and start my life over. It's simply better for us to wait and make good decisions that will prepare ourselves for a happy future. This way, when we do close the distance, we will have set ourselves up well enough for the long term.

My advice is simply to not jump back into the relationship by offering to move to him when you feel you aren't ready. 7 years is a long time, and I understand you don't want to throw that away, but if you make a risky move like this, you stand to lose a lot more...

The reason he can't move is due to his military obligation...so it's a lot easier for me to move to him than him to me. He offered to move before but I knew that it was not a good career move for him so I stopped him from moving. The reasons I didn't move in the past was because he always asked me to move when he was in between jobs or was unhappy with his current life, and I had a stable job. This time he is physically fit, loving his job, surrounded by friends and family so in a much better place for himself. I even encouraged him to go back to school and supported him through his depression in the past always caring for him to let him know he was loved and had support in me. He offered to move before, but now he is in a better position than I am considering I am looking for a job and in between jobs. He always offered to support me, but I was always hesitant to move because of the unstable situations. Realistically? The reason I haven't made the move is because I am not American and like I said before it's not just moving I would need to get a sponsorship by a spouse for a Visa or Green Card etc.

His main reasons were that he use live on the hope of us together and wake up to us being together, but he decided to drop the hope and felt better. He loved his job/life/situation and can't be in a serious relationship right now. He wants to be like his co-workers with kids/wife/house/etc and felt that we were going in separate directions...reality was we never really had a thought out plan to make it happen or a time line. We always argued about it because I was always doubting myself and afraid. I don't want to take unnecessary risks I just want him to know I am ready to make it happen because I'm ready to commit to him the way he has for me.

The reason I wanted to go and tell him I was ready was because I am ready to move to him and that we aren't going in separate direction. TO really talk things over with him in making us be together a reality to start taking steps to officially making it a reality instead of just doing a push pull. I am ready to start a life with him in it every day and to build a new relationship on top of the relationship we had which he said he destroyed.

I don't want to jump back into the relationship we had...I don't mind that it was destroyed because maybe it was what was holding him and me back. I want to build a new relationship on top of that with actual future of us together and move forward together. I know this sounds lame, but I want to try. I love him for the boy he was, the man he is now, and the man he wants to be...sounds cliche ish but we grew up our 20's together and I want him to know I grew up too with him.