Tired after work

[Bbth]

My boyfriend has recently got a job to save money so we can meet. He works frpm 8am to 5pm everyday now. We used to be on skype about 7 hours a day together, but currently that was reduced to only 4h.

But the biggest issue is that he arrives very tired from work and doesn't want to do anything :'(
When he gets home he changes into confortable clothes and eats. Then he just wants to lie down for like an hour or so. Sometimes he is so tired that he says no to skype! Well, I usually try to convince him and I end up taking a nap with him cause it helps us to sleep better knowing the other is there.

So, while I am sleeping too he turns off the cam to take a bath. But when he gets back he is still tired and all he wants to do is watch videos online. It would be ok if most videos weren't on russian. Since he knows I can't understand it, there is no point in sharing it, so I basically watch him watch videos in Skype. Which is fine, cause I love looking at him, but I miss old times. We haven't watched a single movie together ever since he started working! And he doesn't want to watch American dad or South Park like we used to. Or play games...He is too tired even for sex!

Look, I don't blame him for being tired and I want to be supportive too. I do recognize it is a wonderful thing he is doing for our relationship. Our only real problem is money and there he is trying to solve it. It is great, but I can't help feeling guilty when I complain or tell him this. Today I asked him what could I do to help him feel better after work. He doesn't know either.Before that I googled some strategies for dealing with this tiredness after work and shared it with him, but it is not working...

It has got to the point that I don't know what to do anymore! I want to help him, but I have no idea of what else I can do. I feel so sad when I read those tips like"give your partner a massage". Damn, I can't do that! I can't even hug him, kiss him or cuddle with him. This is long distance, for God's sake!

Well, I thought that maybe someone here has been through it before and could help us get iver this phase. Please, if anyone has any ideas at all, share with us.

[Sanney4709]

I totally understand what your going through. When me and my boyfriend first started dating we would stay up until 6 in the morning talking on the phone during summer and on weekends. Then about a year after we started dating he got a job. He worked close to 40 hours a week and the time he worked ranged from 8-5 to 12-9. It was tough when he first started working because he didn't ever want to stay up late and talk anymore and he liked to relax when he got home so we would talk for at most an hour a night. It especially sucked when he worked 12-9 because when he got home he was usually to tired to talk at all. It didn't help that he was starting college and I was in my last year of high school. So school work got in the way as well. I hated it at first but I eventually got used to it. It is hard but the is really not much you can do about it. Maybe talk to him about how you feel and ask him if will give you at least an hour of talking each night without doing anything else. Also talk to him about maybe doing a movie night on one of his days off. Movies are relaxing and there should be no reason you can't still watch movies together. It just takes some adjusting. Maybe as he gets used to his work he won't be so tired when he gets home. The biggest thing is communicate. Let him know how you are feeling but be understanding of his situation as well. Good luck! I hope things work out.

[Kiyama]

I usually don't even get an hour a day to talk to my SO during the week Why? Because we both have full time jobs and even though I'd love to spend time with him, we both need time for ourselves. To relax or to go out with friends or to do whatever.
I understand why it bothers you but your situation has changed and the only thing you can do is accept it and work out a new way of connecting with each other. Sanney has already giving you great advice: maybe take only an hour today but this hour belongs to you two alone Or have a "date" on days he isn't at work and tired.
I would talk to him about it and tell him how you feel and then you can both try and find a solution that suits you both. Good luck!

[chef.rae]

I know exactly what you mean, when I was with my SO I was working two jobs and doing an internship for about nine months. I came home and I was absolutly exhausted. He would constantly get upset because all that I wanted to do was lay down and listen to music and eventually fall asleep. We would skype but usually when I get home from job number three I did not want to talk. So what we did when I got half a day or a day off work and could spend a lot of time with him we would arrange dates. I would let him pick what he wanted to do and we spent the day on skype cooking or watching movies or sharing music together. It was very difficult for him, and for me but we made the best of our time when we got a lot of it together.

[Moon]

I think you need to cut him a break a little here, he's working a full time job, he's tired, and he still has things to take care of. I realize it's difficult, but honestly, this is real life and people have to work, he doesn't have unlimited time to spend with you anymore. That's something you're just going to have to get used to, unfortunately. You can't really expect him to jump online as soon as he gets home and spend the rest of the night with you, he does need some down time, and to take care of his own responsibilities. I know it's hard to adapt to change sometimes, but why don't you try cutting that time to 2 or 3 hours at most, this way he can rest, relax, do laundry, have some dinner, watch some TV, etc. and still have plenty of time to spend with you. You've just got to find the right balance that'll work for both of you.

[Jessipoo]

I think you need to cut him a break a little here, he's working a full time job, he's tired, and he still has things to take care of. I realize it's difficult, but honestly, this is real life and people have to work, he doesn't have unlimited time to spend with you anymore. That's something you're just going to have to get used to, unfortunately. You can't really expect him to jump online as soon as he gets home and spend the rest of the night with you, he does need some down time, and to take care of his own responsibilities. I know it's hard to adapt to change sometimes, but why don't you try cutting that time to 2 or 3 hours at most, this way he can rest, relax, do laundry, have some dinner, watch some TV, etc. and still have plenty of time to spend with you. You've just got to find the right balance that'll work for both of you.

I agree. My ex SO and I only Skyped maybe 2-3 times (movie dates then he'd rush off to take care of one of the kazillion things he was doing and would be less responsive to texts to top it off) in the 2.5 months he started his new job all the way to the break up, we barely spoke on the phone (he would often not take my calls, not even for a goodnight cuz he was working 15 hours days plus weekend conferences) and he would respond and write less and less via text (like 2 lines of 2 words a day consisting of meh, and I'm tired). So honestly, enjoy whatever time he gives you. He wants to go online and talk to you and enjoys doing it so be positive and happy and don't take that time for granted if not you may see him drift off and pull back.

Not to get pity or be mean or anything, but many people have it much worse.

[alesitag]

I think we all have gone through a similar situation...

My ex-SO needs lots of sleep, he works full time at the front desk of a hotel and he usually takes the night shift, that means he gets to work from 11 pm to 7 am, 5 days a week. When we were together, he'd get home around 8 am his time (he's one hour ahead, 2 with the daylight saving) get online for 30 mins to an hour so he could talk to me and then he'd have something to eat, take out the dog and off to bed. He'd wake up around 8:30 or 9 pm cook something quickly, grab a bite, get ready for work and talk to me for about 15 minutes before leaving. Then he'd get to work at 11 pm (10 my time) get online around 11:30 pm and we'd chat sometimes until 1am (i'd stay up a bit late so we could have some more time to talk). But sometimes he was just so tired or moody he wasn't very chatty or talkative.

During his days off, which were also mostly on week days instead of weekends, he also had other things to do, like running errands for his mom, going out with friends visiting from other cities, visiting relatives, etc. and though sometimes we had a bit more time to chat or even talk over the phone, there were times we wouldn't speak at all.

I think you should look at it the way it is... at least you get to Skype with him even if it means just watching him sleep or vegetating in front of the computer while he watches videos.

I'm just saying

[EnglishMan]

Yeah this is a part of stuff that im really not looking forward to. I graduated this year and have put off doing a Masters until next year, which means I need to work this year. I've put off even looking for a job so much, because I really dont wanna stop being able to talk to her so much. And with her back at College in 6 weeks, its gunna really cut down the time we can spend together.

I guess the way you have to see it is, if you really wanna be together then money is a part of it, and by working he is actually bringing the opportunity to be with you closer. I dont want to go to work (and I mean im really dreading it), but I want nothing more than a life together with her, and that needs us to have money. So while its gunna suck badly not being able to have so much time with her now, its all working for the future and thats what you've gotta try and remember.

[Bbth]

Thanks, guys. Yeah, it has been hard because we are still adjusting. We talked and he said something similar to English man here.

He seems to get home a little bit less tired now, but he still needs to go to bed very early, of course.

We'll get over this, I am sure of it. With patience and love, everything will be ok.

Thanks for all the support