How can I prove to my ex that things can/will be different this time?

[uk_girl]

Hey guys,

So as some of you may know - me and my SO split up 4 months ago (start of Feb) and since then have been speaking on a fairly regular basis.

We met up last weekend to sort out an argument we had the weekend before, which was regarding the fact I didn't tell him I was off to Dublin for that weekend (he's my ex, I didn't think he needed to know anymore?) When I got back he told me that he was gonna suggest giving it one more shot, but the fact I swanned off to Ireland without telling him, really made him angry and put him off giving me that chance.

So we had a great time last Sunday just chatting, catching up, few drinks, good food etc. Nothing was mentioned about getting back together - we were just being friendly. But as I got back onto the train I sent him a text message saying "Thought you were wanting to give it another shot?" and we exchanged a few texts then; basically with him saying he didn't know what he wanted and he needed time to think. Which was fair enough, I fully understood.

This week we've been chatting as normal, I've mentioned every so often about our 'situation' and asking him if he's any further with his thoughts. He's not decided yet but he keeps getting annoyed that I am nagging him and whatnot, which is fair enough - it's just I do not like being in limbo and knowing where I stand. Understandably, I'd have thought?!

We broke up due to my insecurities and the fact that at times I would be out a lot - which made him insecure and he didn't like me being out all the time.

I've dealt with my insecurity issues with absolutely no worries - 4 months is a lot of time to work on yourself and get yourself to the stage where you feel ready to have another relationship and know that your insecurity issues are at the very back of your mind!

However, he doesn't believe me that I have sorted them out and changed my outlook on life. I keep reassuring him that I have but to no avail. How am I supposed to prove to him that we would be ok, when he will not give me the chance to show him how much I have changed and got to grips with my issues?

I do keep telling him that I would be a much better girlfriend this time round as I've learnt a LOT over the last 4 months...how smothering, insecure and needy I could be towards him. And I've worked towards cutting that side of my personality out as it was driving me mad! Lol.

I just don't get what to do now...we're still talking a lot...I've made it clear I'd like to give things another shot, he's unsure but has had a week to think it over and is still none-the-wiser.

How long do I give him?
What do I say to him?
How do I prove things to him when he's not giving me so much as a week 'trial period' to show it?
Do I just completely give him space right now - not contact him at all etc?

I just really want to show him that we can and will make it work as everything that was bad in our relationship, has now gone. He just doesn't seem to want to let me. And I don't want to push him away

[Tanja]

I don't think you should push him to give you an answer - are you 100% sure he even wants another shot? I mean yeah he did say so but still can't give you an answer nor even a chance to show you've changed, it doesn't sound like he's very determined to make things work between the two of you in my opinion.

If I were you I'd just let him be and if he really wants to try again he'll come to you, if not then you can let him go and move on. I think you'll only make things harder on yourself if you keep texting him and wondering what he's thinking. I know what you went through with him before and I wouldn't want that to happen again so maybe it's for the best if you just give him some space and take things slowly for now until he's ready to make up his mind? Pushing him now when he's not even sure what to do isn't a good idea I'm afraid.

[uk_girl]

Yeah I suppose you're right when you put it like that Tanja.

I think I do need to take a step back and just leave him be. It's just so hard to not get your hopes up!

I've now got a well paid job so could even afford to save up and rent a place near to where he lives, if we were to get back together. Could afford to move there for Xmas if it was the right thing to do. Can't stop thinking about what that would be like/how cool it would be. I think that's why I'm so eager to give it another shot - because I want my vision to come true so much.

So do you reckon I should completely stop talking to him and only talk to him when he messages first?

I do think that meeting up with him last week was possibly the wrong idea. We didn't kiss or hug or do anything like we would have done 6 months ago. And I suppose that's kinda made me want him more. I was fine before I met up with him - content with being friends...but my feelings are back now and I really wish I could bury them

[Tanja]

Do you think a part of you just wants to go back to the way things were, being happy and in a relationship or is it HIM you really miss and want to be with? Quite a lot depends on your answer I think and even though you still have feelings for him it doesn't necessarily mean the right thing to do is get back together...

I guess I'm just worried that you're gonna get emotionally attached to him again after you've just started to get over him with these past 4 months, you're getting your hopes up and letting your old feelings rush back in and he could break your heart by turning you down. You need to be careful and not let yourself get too carried away too easily because he might not share your view of things and you should prepare yourself for it.

Then again if does want to get back together you have nothing to worry about! Just dont' let your hopes get too high too soon until you know for sure what he wants.

I'd say don't contact him until he contacts you - men like to feel like their chasing you and not the other way around lol.

[uk_girl]

Honestly? I think it's a bit of both.

A) I miss the whole *having someone there*, someone that cares, someone that offers security and the comfort of knowing you have someone to share things with.
B) I miss him. His stupid comments, his shit accent, his smile, his piercing blue eyes, the way we used to laugh, chat and just fall asleep in each others arms, the way how in a morning I'd always wake up away from him so then drag his arm around me, and he'd do the cutest smile ever in his sleep

But then again there are things about him/us that would drive me absolutely crazy... And I still don't know if he's only keeping in contact with me because he doesn't want me to be with anyone else - rather than him still being in touch with me because he wants to work things out.

AAAAAAAARGH MEN!!!!!

[lunamea]

I'm in kind of a similar situation with my husband... on coming back home from my year studying abroad, he said his feelings have changed and he still does not know whether he wants to stay together. He asked me to give him time and said that we're trying to get back together and I promised I had changed and am not as controlling as I used to be. However, I'm really impatient, too, mostly because I want to spare myself the heartache of being strung along for weeks/months (and that really annoys him, too, but I guess "our guys" just don't realize how excruciatingly painful it is to be in limbo). I've been back two weeks now (one week ever since he told me how he truly feels) and I still don't know where we stand. In contrast to you, I don't have the necessary distance to look at the situation rationally (we're living together and I don't want to move out - not even temporarily - because I feel 9 months of LD were enough and if I move out, I'll never come back) and I'm basically falling apart.

My point is: I echo what Tanja has said in saying that you should keep the distance you've established over the past months. What your ex-bf said about wanting to get back together but then having second thoughts because you did something wrong (in his opinion) reminds me a lot of the way my hb is arguing: he said when I first got back, he was okay and he thought we could make it work, but because of some of my freak-outs, I've made everything that much harder. This kind of behavior is very cruel, IMO, and I'm not sure if it doesn't serve a purpose. Like, for my hb, I'm pretty sure he said that because he wants me chasing after him and granting him all the freedom in the world and catering to his every need in hope that we'll get better... I'm not sure about your ex... IMO, if you change your opinion on something as potentially heart-breaking as the announcement that you might want to get back together but are not sure, you don't say it. Perhaps I'm projecting, but I feel your ex is punishing you for something that he thinks you did wrong and wants to make you make it up to him, when you shouldn't have to (IMO, there was nothing wrong with not telling him about your trip.) So, I'm actually saying the exact opposite of what Tanja said: I think he wants you to chase after him. Yet, if you do, I don't think that it will necessarily improve things between you. It will just strengthen your insecurities again because you're putting yourself at his beck and call. I'm doing this at the moment (trying to win him back while wondering if what I did was actually so horribly wrong and all the time being given the feeling I'm not doing enough to "make it up to him" and that I don't deserve his love anymore), so trust me when I say that there's nothing worse for your self-esteem. At the moment, I've put myself in the worst possible situation and I'm the weakest I've ever been in my life. I'm so scared of losing him and that fear makes me needy and nagging, the exact opposite of what my hb wants me to be/how I want to be myself. It's funny how much easier it is to give advice than to take it! I wish I'd known what I know now 2 weeks ago and maybe I could have avoided sinking so low. I'd suggest you try to forget about the situation with him for the time being. If he goes for it, set up a time frame within which he should decide. My own situation seems rather open-ended at the moment and that's just unbearable. I don't know your exact story, but it doesn't sound to me like you have a lot of making up to do. Even you having things to work on and wanting to prove to him that you've changed doesn't give him the right to keep you in limbo and toy with your emotions/hopes. I'm sorry if all this sounded a little harsh... I definitely am projecting. I just think it's very unfair and unfeeling to put someone, no matter what they've done, in a situation of constantly hoping and wanting to please the other - I wish "our guys" would decide one way or the other (and fast, too) and only tell us after they made up their minds...

[uk_girl]

Sorry to hear you're going through something similar lunamea. I thought I was going through a bad time but I can't even imagine how you must feel, since yours is a marriage, not just a relationship like mine.

I can empathise and understand a lot of what you are saying about our situation. It's difficult not knowing where we stand and what we can do to help. I'm sure if our guys said to us "Look, I feel like *this* when you do *this*.... I don't really like it when you do this..... Perhaps in future you could try and....." etc then it would be far easier.

It's annoying how we females seem to know what we want, what we don't like etc, and can open up to our guys with relative ease about it - but they cannot do the same back. Things would be so much easier.

I'm with you on the whole turning insecure/needy thing since they said they needed space... Before we met up last weekend I was fine, now it's as if I *need* him and I want him to talk to me all the time, which is not healthy.

Just so difficult for us to know what the next step would be. Do we play it cool, or do we REALLY say how we feel about them and how much we miss/want them? Would that help? Or would that just guilt-trip them into making a decision to appease us, rather than themselves, which in the longterm would cause more upset that we're currently experiencing?!

[Swederica]

I doubt i can give you any information you haven't already gotten, but i'll try.

How long do I give him?
I would say atleast give him a chance to contact you when he's done thinking about it.
It won't go faster if you ask him every day. Reversed that may make him feel he don't want to think about it just because you are asking.

What do I say to him?
For now just normal things.
You seem to have already said what needs to be said.

How do I prove things to him when he's not giving me so much as a week 'trial period' to show it?
I think he's afraid to get hurt again, or well at all.
Personally i'm not sure if i'd dare to give an ex-girlfriend a new chance, but i'm on the other hand very sensitive.
But on one hand, you gotta take risks and chances to get somewhere in life like Napoleon said. If he hadn't taken the decision of joining the army he would never have become emperor and one of the world's greatest leaders of all time.
Not really the same thing, but still

Do I just completely give him space right now - not contact him at all etc?
I think you can talk to him as normal, just not talk about that subject for now.

[lunamea]

Sorry to hear you're going through something similar lunamea. I thought I was going through a bad time but I can't even imagine how you must feel, since yours is a marriage, not just a relationship like mine.

Thanks. As I've said time and again, though, to me, the two are not THAT different (at least in the case of my hb and me as we got married fairly quickly because of visa issues.) What really counts are the emotions you've invested in a person and relationship and it just hurts not to know what they want.

It's annoying how we females seem to know what we want, what we don't like etc, and can open up to our guys with relative ease about it - but they cannot do the same back. Things would be so much easier.

I hadn't seen this as a gender issue yet, but perhaps you're right. Voicing his feelings is not my hb's strong suit, either, and if it is true what he is saying that he's torn and doesn't know exactly how he feels or what he wants, then it is impossible. I've never been in a situation where I felt I've lost my feelings for the other person and didn't know whether I still wanted to be with them, so I can't really empathize with my husband, either.

I'm with you on the whole turning insecure/needy thing since they said they needed space... Before we met up last weekend I was fine, now it's as if I *need* him and I want him to talk to me all the time, which is not healthy.

I found this kinda works both ways, though. Like, everytime I'm angry and I manage to take a step back (by not talking to him etc.), it will be him who comes to me again. When he's had enough of being nice and gets more distant, it is me who then goes running to him and is needy again. What a fun game. It seems like every time, the one who is having the other chase them is in power. I don't like power play and by now, I'm sick of it.

Just so difficult for us to know what the next step would be. Do we play it cool, or do we REALLY say how we feel about them and how much we miss/want them? Would that help? Or would that just guilt-trip them into making a decision to appease us, rather than themselves, which in the longterm would cause more upset that we're currently experiencing?!

I don't think it helps. I've done it (and am partly still doing it), because I thought he should know and because I'm fighting for him, with everything I have. It may seem like a dirty trick and my hb told me that I'm not making it easier for him, but the point is I'm not trying to make it easier for him. I'm trying to show him what he is leaving behind. Also, he's making it very hard for me because he leaves me in limbo, so I don't think it's wrong to make it harder for him, too. I'm just doing what I think is right and if he really wants to leave, so be it. But he has to man up and really tell me to my face that he doesn't want me anymore and not play games and hope that I'll do the hardest part by moving out/filing for a divorce.
So, in your case, I wouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve and tell him how much I want him back. You're not putting yourself or him in a good position - as you said, you're making him feel guilty and even if you get back together, you might later on wonder if he just chose to be with you again because you basically begged and not because he truly wanted it. More importantly, though, you'll probably feel very weak by exposing yourself that much. I think the best course of action would be to silently hope he'll come around by himself. I know I'm not a strong enough person to do it, but I think you are! All the best!