Lighting Changes Everything - For Those In Doubt

[efish1042]

Last night, I was conversing with my SO via Skype. I pointed out that he was looking too skinny and needed to eat. He's been struggling with being underweight his whole life. He moved a bit and he no longer looked skinny, but just lean. He smiled and said, "See? Lighting changes everything."

That really hit home to me, much more than I know he meant it to. Lately, I've been struggling with my own thoughts and where I stand in our relationship. Not because of anything he's done necessarily, but for many reasons. I've been noticing all his 'faults' and little things that bother me. ''Can't I do better than that? Don't I deserve more?'' Now I see, I was wrong. How can I deserve more when I don't value what I have? So I've decided that every time I see or think of some 'fault' of his, I'm going to see it in a new light. There's a silver lining for everything.

Today? It was his lack of jealousy. I posted about it in the "I love him today because.." forum. Throughout our relationship, he has never seriously exhibited jealousy. Not when I would hang out or accidentally flirt with other guys, not when one guy took it too far and kissed me, nothing. He was angry when some idiot proposed to me (and meant it), but not jealous. It made me wonder how much he valued me, how much he cared. Wasn't he afraid to lose me? The answer is no.

He wasn't afraid to lose me. Because he trusts me. He knows I never mean it when I flirt with other guys. He knows I don't think twice about them, even if they're trying their hardest to make me notice them that way. Instead of getting jealous and over-possessive and raining on my parade, he calmly allows me to continue on. Instead of worrying about losing me, he's secretly glowing with pride that other men want what he already has. I gravitate around him when he's there and he's always on my mind when he's not. He's the one I come home to, even if that just means a call while I cuddle up with his shirt. In a way, I'm his trophy. He's proud of me. And he trusts me.

He wants to see me happy. Even if he's not in-your-face possessive, I know he would never let anything happen to me. He would never let anyone take it too far. Even when he isn't there, he has me covered. I didn't know until recently, but when he left, he made sure his friends who were staying would have my back. If I go out, he makes sure I'm with people I can trust to have my back in his absence.

He's not jealous because he's confident in my love for him. And today, I love him for it.

What are some things in your relationship that you see in a new light?

[Jayburr]

Today? It was his lack of jealousy. I posted about it in the "I love him today because.." forum. Throughout our relationship, he has never seriously exhibited jealousy. Not when I would hang out or accidentally flirt with other guys, not when one guy took it too far and kissed me, nothing. He was angry when some idiot proposed to me (and meant it), but not jealous. It made me wonder how much he valued me, how much he cared. Wasn't he afraid to lose me? The answer is no.

He wasn't afraid to lose me. Because he trusts me. He knows I never mean it when I flirt with other guys. He knows I don't think twice about them, even if they're trying their hardest to make me notice them that way. Instead of getting jealous and over-possessive and raining on my parade, he calmly allows me to continue on. Instead of worrying about losing me, he's secretly glowing with pride that other men want what he already has. I gravitate around him when he's there and he's always on my mind when he's not. He's the one I come home to, even if that just means a call while I cuddle up with his shirt. In a way, I'm his trophy. He's proud of me. And he trusts me.

He wants to see me happy. Even if he's not in-your-face possessive

He's not jealous because he's confident in my love for him.

I quoted and bolded parts of your post that I absolutely agree with!

My SO has lots of guy friends, but when she goes out them, I don't get jealous, in fact, I'm glad she goes with them, because even though I haven't met them yet, I just know they will take care of her and keep her safe. Of course I hope she has a good time, but her safety is the most important thing to me. My only slight jealousy from those kinds of situations is simply the fact that they are with her, and I am not. I absolutely don't have any jealousy that comes from a fear of losing her to any of them though... Like your SO, I have complete trust in her.

At the same time though, I do realize that a lack of jealousy can be interpreted the wrong way by our SOs too... It's a double-edged sword really (and there are lots of them in LDRs...). Not showing jealousy can show that we trust them so much that we're not worried about losing them, but it can also show that we may not care if we lose them or not... So, sometimes we have to be careful :P I think a good way to avoid that kind of misunderstanding of one's emotions, is to make up for the lack of jealousy with reassurance of some other kind, like reminding your SO that you miss them, you wish you could be with them, etc... Keeps everything balanced

[efish1042]

Thank you, Jayburr! It's always good to find someone else who is the same way. Too many are jealous to the point of controlling. It's great to find those who respect our freedom, give us their trust, but also make sure we're protected

[dglynn77]

It's great to find those who respect our freedom, give us their trust, but also make sure we're protected

Agreed!

[TerriW312]

I love this concept so much! Honestly that metaphor for lighting and your example really actually hit home with me efish1042! Honestly I'm going to try to apply this to most of my life now. When people say focus on the positives I didn't really understand that because it struck me as just ignoring the negatives, aka the problems which is naive. I love this though Thank you so much!

[Kiyama]

My SO and I went through a little rough patch a few months ago and I got irritated so much by all the little things he did and I didn't like.
I have changed my perspective now and see things in a new light. And it is the little things that tell it the most. He is bossy and condescending? No, he is looking out for me and makes sure that I'm fine. He knows what he wants and takes initiative.
Just one little example but just this morning when I read the thread about a guy constantly making comments about other girls, how hot they are etc and no matter how often I ask my SO, he will only point out that I am the only one for him and that he only has eyes for me. And in that moment it hit me. How awesome he is and how much he respects me and that I love him for that.

[FierceFoxie]

I just wanted to comment on the jealousy thing. I read a book recently that talks about attachment styles of people. There are 3 different attachment styles: anxious, avoidant and secure. He sounds like the secure type based on the pure fact that he didn't get jealous. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or cherish you, it means he is so secure in himself and the relationship and so he doesn't have to worry that he might lose you. Actually the book encourages singles to find the "secure" types because it's the other two attachment styles that cause more drama in a relationship but a secure type is the perfect match for someone that is the anxious or the avoidant because; the secure person is much more grounded and helps meet the needs of the other two styles.

[Jgui]

It's funny how during my recent visit with my SO we sorted of talked about these kinda issues. We were having dinner and i made a comment about how i think Robert Downey Jr. is good looking for his age and that i'd be his mistress. HAHA!! i was -OF COURSE- joking, i mean obviously.. c'mon! but my SO took it to the heart and told me it hurt him to hear me make such a comment.. by no means i think he is the jealous time but i also don't think he is as secure about this relationship as i am.

he then continued on telling me how he doesn't really have a high self-esteem and isnt also confident in his doings. he sometimes questions himself why i choose to be with him and travel alone to a place i'm not familiar with to meet him. honestly, that conversation gave me a new light to this relationship.. as he was telling me all his "faults" about himself and how he feels, i begin to question myself if this is the type of relationship i want to be in. having a SO that is so insecure about hypothetical things.. and then i begin to ask myself if he is going to try and change me to a different person, change me to be someone who HE wants. Of course he asked me in the return how i would feel if he were to make a comment about how hot or sexy he thinks of a celebrity or a random girl he sees walking down the street. my response was,"i'd check her out with you." which is true.. i have no problem having my bf check out other ladies because i know at the end of the day, he is coming home to me. i have a lot of confidence in myself that if my bf were to ever cheat on me that i'd have nothing to lose.

i just hope that my SO will see things in a different light and trust that i choose to be with him, in a LDR, for a good reason and that reason is because it's with him.

[Jayburr]

Just one little example but just this morning when I read the thread about a guy constantly making comments about other girls, how hot they are etc and no matter how often I ask my SO, he will only point out that I am the only one for him and that he only has eyes for me. And in that moment it hit me. How awesome he is and how much he respects me and that I love him for that.

Pretty much my exact words to my SO! She just LOVES to try and find girls that she thinks are better looking than her and get me to admit I'd want to be with them, but the truth (and I've told her this) is that I am with HER, and it doesn't matter how many girls try to come and flirt with me or whatever because I just don't see them, I only see her. She's so worried that when she gets older, she won't look as good anymore and I'll just pick up and leave her for someone younger. I just keep reminding her that 'once you have me, you have me. I don't wander around. I'll always be here, and always be yours.'

[efish1042]

Honestly I'm going to try to apply this to most of my life now. When people say focus on the positives I didn't really understand that because it struck me as just ignoring the negatives, aka the problems which is naive.

I'm glad to know it hit you the way it hit me. I know so many here gets doubt like us and I am also looking to use it in other aspects of life. We take things the wrong way so much simply because we can. Because we're always on the lookout for something to go wrong. I feel so much better now that Im looking for the good in life. It's liberating
And FierceFoxie, I just wanted to say thanks for your comment. I wish I had known that earlier, but validation is almost as good as realization. Thank you

[EnglishMan]

Pretty much my exact words to my SO! She just LOVES to try and find girls that she thinks are better looking than her and get me to admit I'd want to be with them, but the truth (and I've told her this) is that I am with HER, and it doesn't matter how many girls try to come and flirt with me or whatever because I just don't see them, I only see her. She's so worried that when she gets older, she won't look as good anymore and I'll just pick up and leave her for someone younger. I just keep reminding her that 'once you have me, you have me. I don't wander around. I'll always be here, and always be yours.'

We do the EXACT same thing haha. Im perfectly fine with reassuring her; my girl regularly asks me why I love her, whether I will be with her and not leave her for some other girl, and I reply just as you have, she has me and I am not the kinda guy who would ever lay somebody like that. She is completely perfect in my eyes, I honestly feel that we are perfect for each other, and I am not the kinda guy who would ever disrespect her by messing her around like that. I dont want to, I just want her.

Ironically, it's me who gets more tetchy when she mentions other guys flirting lol, whereas if a girl has flirted with me then shes not exactly happy with it but not bothered either. I fully trust her, I just hate other guys being like that with her and deep down I wish I could put her in a bubble where no other guys could even talk or look at her. Ok a bit extreme lol, at the end of the day as long as neither of us flirt back or act on anything then it doesn't really matter.

My girl amazes me daily with how purely amazing she is, but one example ill give you if jealousy-based too. One time I asked her about an ex of her's that I knew about and just how their relationship went. She didn't want to talk about it at all (it wasn't like a bad experience or anything, they had only been together for a couple of weeks and she just realised she didnt like him that way), and that kind of made me wonder 'why not? She still knows this guy, is that why she wont say anything?'. So I kinda pushed the subject a little because I felt that maybe there was more to this, and it was info that may hurt me but she didnt want to say. She wouldn't budge, and made numerous attempts to change the subject before giving up and saying goodnight.

The next day we talked and she told me everything that happened between them. Which was a whole load of nothing. Their relationship had simply been one that went nowhere and they barely talked nowadays (and she wasnt pulling the wool over my eyes or anything, for anyone being skeptical). To her, it didn't matter. We were there together and she wanted to spend that time with me, talking about me and about us. She wanted to talk and experience our love, not be caught up talking about some nothing guy in the past. She didn't want to waste her time on other people, she wanted to be wrapped up in us. I always knew she loved me, but that moment was one of those where you're just like 'this love we have is actually stronger than I ever thought'. It made me realise that actually she is completely in love with me and that nothing else matters, and while we obviously care about family and stuff, that level of closeness has been the same ever since