parents issue

[dorabase93]

I'm having a huge problems with my parents. to be clearer, our relationship is being disapproved by our parents.
first of all, my SO is one year older than me. a year is not a problem for us but I think it is to my parents. my parents are very old-school, and we grown up in an oriental culture. so, according to 'the culture' the man should be older than the woman to be able to take care of the family, to be more mature and some other nonsense s**t. when I let my mom know (and I still regret doing it) she was not very happy about it.
another time, we were applying for a volunteer trip. though I had a lot of work from school, I still blindly go with the trip, almost forgot about the work. and then my mom thought that my SO forced me to go with her and and scolded her. after that I explained that it was my fault but I don't know if it changed her mind. also, my mom always find any faults from her , even when it's not true (with a hope that I will give up maybe?) and it makes me very very frustrated and angry.
one last thing, there was another girl who was my crush earlier (but I got over her), she was also my mom's friend's daughter. And sometimes my mom 'suggests' me to have a relationship with her and stop with my current SO. again I don't like this at all because that is my relationship, that is my feeling, she expects me to change it because she wants to?
I'm not saying I'm hating my mom/parents. but they are really frustrating me, especially my mom. sometimes I'm in such stress and worry about her misunderstandings that I lose control and start having a fight with her. I don't know if I can ever change her mind because in my country, young members don't really have a say in the family and very financially dependant. I'm not quitting my relationship but this is really stressful for everyone involved. I just want my feelings and my words to be more respected.

[Berna]

Ah, parents. They are just being parents. They always think they know better what is good for you

You are still young, but no matter what age you are, while you are living with them under the same roof (and for many people and after that) they will have a strong influence on you. If you know what you want and if you know it's the right thing for you (this relationship and many other things in life), you should stick to it, because you will be living your life, not your parents. You should be happy with your life, not them.

Judging from my parents, they will always find something about me they will be unhappy with

[dorabase93]

thanks, another problem is that, my SO, herself is a person with ego and she seems fed up with being misunderstood like that. even a text she sent to my mom was consider not respectful enough. she said she can't live forever with that and she doesn't believe that I can change my mom's thought. I'm really hurt and I feel like no one seem to trust me any more, or at least, the 2 closest people to me.

[efish1042]

Honey, I dealt with my SOs parents for three years before they approved of me. They were passive aggressive and always trying to hook him up with other people. He did the same with my folks. My dad has a grudge against him for nothing and to this day is out and out rude to him.
If she want willing to ride this out with you, then she's not worth it. I admit, there were many times I almost gave his mom a piece of my mind and several times he chose to leave my house before he lost it with my dad, but we dealt with it. And we did it together. It brought us together and made us stronger as a couple.
Don't fight your parents. It will make things worse and only reinforce whatever bad ideas they have about you two. But don't let them get to you either. This too shall pass and everything will work out for the best in the end.

[Jayburr]

Dorabase93,

Your post echoes so many of my thoughts with my SO and HER parents...

I haven't met her parents yet, but, I have learned a lot about them through her, and I am expecting an enormous hurdle to overcome in getting their approval one day. I think all you need to know about my situation in order to understand, is that my SO is Chinese, and I am Caucasian... Right off the bat, I have a strike against me lol, because her parents of course would prefer that whoever she chooses to be with is at least Asian, preferably Chinese. Also, like your situation, my SO is older than me, by 3 years (probably another strike against me). We also have completely different families... Her dad is a doctor, so they are pretty well off financially...and my SO is finishing her Masters Degree now, going down the same path (a path chosen not by her, but her parents). Myself on the other hand...I grew up poor and lived off of Corn Flakes and Top Ramen for most of my meals. No one in my family is a doctor or ever will be. I saw my parents and grandparents bankrupt themselves multiple times and vowed never to be like that. So, I put myself through college, I have a good job, and I make really good money doing what I'm doing but I'm not a doctor and don't plan to be.

What worries me most is that I will not be able to impress them, because their primary concern is likely going to be in regards to how much money I make. I understand that money is important, and they just want to make sure their daughter will be taken care of, but I literally feel like I have absolutely no chance of being accepted by them, because I chose not to be a health professional, or a lawyer. When I meet them one day, I just know that their first words to me won't be "Hi it's so nice to finally meet you," their first words will be education/career related questions and I'm going to be drilled, and probably feel like a complete worthless loser by the end of the night because I won't come anywhere close to measuring up to their standards.

In the past with ex's, I've never really been scared of meeting parents... I've looked forward to it because I enjoy conversation with people I don't know, learning from them, making them laugh, etc... I have a pretty enjoyable personality I think, and that's been my strong point when bonding with parents. With my SO's parents however, I'm sure it's all business. Regardless of how great a guy I am, if I'm not making at least 150k/year, I won't be good enough.

My best friend's step-dad is like that. He's all business. Growing up, whenever I was at his house, his step-dad was only concerned with my grades in school, and later only concerned with my job. He never cared about anything else in my life. He is successful, but he's an asshole and not personable at all. To put it in perspective, I think he's the only parent I've never been able to make laugh, lol (and I'm sure I'll be adding my SO's parents to that list one day...).

I don't have any advice for you Dorabase because this is something new and unfamiliar to me, and I'm personally not confident in the outcome of my eventual meeting with my SO's parents, but, I definitely understand your situation hehe.

[Jgui]

I'm having a huge problems with my parents. to be clearer, our relationship is being disapproved by our parents.
first of all, my SO is one year older than me. a year is not a problem for us but I think it is to my parents. my parents are very old-school, and we grown up in an oriental culture. so, according to 'the culture' the man should be older than the woman to be able to take care of the family, to be more mature and some other nonsense s**t. when I let my mom know (and I still regret doing it) she was not very happy about it.
another time, we were applying for a volunteer trip. though I had a lot of work from school, I still blindly go with the trip, almost forgot about the work. and then my mom thought that my SO forced me to go with her and and scolded her. after that I explained that it was my fault but I don't know if it changed her mind. also, my mom always find any faults from her , even when it's not true (with a hope that I will give up maybe?) and it makes me very very frustrated and angry.
one last thing, there was another girl who was my crush earlier (but I got over her), she was also my mom's friend's daughter. And sometimes my mom 'suggests' me to have a relationship with her and stop with my current SO. again I don't like this at all because that is my relationship, that is my feeling, she expects me to change it because she wants to?
I'm not saying I'm hating my mom/parents. but they are really frustrating me, especially my mom. sometimes I'm in such stress and worry about her misunderstandings that I lose control and start having a fight with her. I don't know if I can ever change her mind because in my country, young members don't really have a say in the family and very financially dependant. I'm not quitting my relationship but this is really stressful for everyone involved. I just want my feelings and my words to be more respected.

My parents were like that during my younger years. I think a lot of it has to do with age, your parents may feel you're still too young to be in a relationship, a LDR at that. Honestly, there really isn't much you can do to change how your mom is acting. Only time will change things.... When she sees you're older and more mature then she might stop the nagging. But until then just pretend you're listing and let the words roll out the other ear

[Jgui]

Dorabase93,

Your post echoes so many of my thoughts with my SO and HER parents...

I haven't met her parents yet, but, I have learned a lot about them through her, and I am expecting an enormous hurdle to overcome in getting their approval one day. I think all you need to know about my situation in order to understand, is that my SO is Chinese, and I am Caucasian... Right off the bat, I have a strike against me lol, because her parents of course would prefer that whoever she chooses to be with is at least Asian, preferably Chinese. Also, like your situation, my SO is older than me, by 3 years (probably another strike against me). We also have completely different families... Her dad is a doctor, so they are pretty well off financially...and my SO is finishing her Masters Degree now, going down the same path (a path chosen not by her, but her parents). Myself on the other hand...I grew up poor and lived off of Corn Flakes and Top Ramen for most of my meals. No one in my family is a doctor or ever will be. I saw my parents and grandparents bankrupt themselves multiple times and vowed never to be like that. So, I put myself through college, I have a good job, and I make really good money doing what I'm doing but I'm not a doctor and don't plan to be.

What worries me most is that I will not be able to impress them, because their primary concern is likely going to be in regards to how much money I make. I understand that money is important, and they just want to make sure their daughter will be taken care of, but I literally feel like I have absolutely no chance of being accepted by them, because I chose not to be a health professional, or a lawyer. When I meet them one day, I just know that their first words to me won't be "Hi it's so nice to finally meet you," their first words will be education/career related questions and I'm going to be drilled, and probably feel like a complete worthless loser by the end of the night because I won't come anywhere close to measuring up to their standards.

In the past with ex's, I've never really been scared of meeting parents... I've looked forward to it because I enjoy conversation with people I don't know, learning from them, making them laugh, etc... I have a pretty enjoyable personality I think, and that's been my strong point when bonding with parents. With my SO's parents however, I'm sure it's all business. Regardless of how great a guy I am, if I'm not making at least 150k/year, I won't be good enough.

My best friend's step-dad is like that. He's all business. Growing up, whenever I was at his house, his step-dad was only concerned with my grades in school, and later only concerned with my job. He never cared about anything else in my life. He is successful, but he's an asshole and not personable at all. To put it in perspective, I think he's the only parent I've never been able to make laugh, lol (and I'm sure I'll be adding my SO's parents to that list one day...).

I don't have any advice for you Dorabase because this is something new and unfamiliar to me, and I'm personally not confident in the outcome of my eventual meeting with my SO's parents, but, I definitely understand your situation hehe.

I think you should stop worrying so much about where you stand in society compared to her family. You're dating her, not her dad... Everyone lives a different life and has a different story. Just because you weren't born with a silver spoon doesn't mean you won't become succesful. At least you were able to put yourself through school and have a good paying job now. There are plenty of people out there who isn't making months end!! Be glad you aren't one of them.. God bless them.. =/ Stop being so hard on yourself

Chinese parents are traditional, but not always... I'm chinese myself and of course my parents would automatically hope I'll marry someone within the race.. A lot has to do with communication... But eventually they changed.. My mother really liked my ex bf, who is Caucasian and she supported the relationship. My current SO is also Caucasian and my mother hasn't made a single comment about him being a different race..

Give it some time and maybe they'll warm up to you and beside, you haven't even met the family yet don't prejudge the outcome.