He wanted an open relationship...

[TerriW312]

At the end of June my SO and I were talking and I pointed out that if he gets into the school he wants he would have to serve a mandatory 5 years with the Canadian Army and we could potentially end up being long distance for ten years. He hadn't thought of that and seemed concerned. The next morning he brought up the idea of an open relationship for when we were apart (apparently his \DAD had suggested it!).

I freaked out. I was basically hurt and shocked for a few hours and didn't answer his texts until he came to pick me up (we were going to an end of the school year party). On the way over I couldn't talk and he was saying that it was only a suggestion and we didn't have to do it, etc. Eventually at the party we sat down and talked and I told him that there's no possible way I could handle that because I'm extremely insecure (to the point of multiple eating disorders in the past), anxious, and I would feel like he would find someone else or that the girls would be 'more attractive' than me, etc. I told him all of this and he said that it was only a suggestion, we weren't going to do it if I wasn't okay with it, and that type of stuff. Later though I was thinking about it and wondered if he was just saying that to calm me down (I was having a panic attack and crying quite a lot).

When I brought it up again he said that if I said it was okay he would refuse because he'd know I was only doing it for him. (Wow writing that little synopsis made me start crying again...)

Logically I know it's the end of it and he's not going to cheat on me, because that's not the type of person he is. However I can't stop worrying about it and thinking that it must mean he wants other girls. My question is how do I stop thinking like this and finally stop thinking about it (it's been a month and a half!)?

Thanks for your help

[Jgui]

I think it be hard for me to stop thinking about that if my SO brought that up... Just the thought of him even thinking about it and suggest it will upset me. But I think what's important is you trust him and know he won't cheat on you. It could be mainly his dad's idea

but it is tough being with someone in the military and knowing it will be a long period of long distance.... Best of luck wit your SO and hang in there for your relationship

[TerriW312]

I think it was mainly the shock of realizing that we could be long distance for 10 years because apparently he and his dad had talked about this a few weeks before this happened and he decided not to bring it up. Thanks

[Jgui]

I know tht feeling!! Counting into the future always seems soooooo far and lonnggggggg..!! I'm sort of on the same boat as you... My SO is military and will continue after contract is over for few years. I on the other hand is basically doing what your SO is doing. If I get into the school and program I'll have to make a commitment for at least 4-5 years. I'm already LD with my SO now and will be for at least another 2-3 years, on top of my 4-5 years.. I stop counting after 1 year.. LOL! It's too painful to count the days when we can actually stop the distance thing..

[TerriW312]

Mhmm. Because in September I'm going to a five year university program and he's doing his last year of high school. After that he has a four year university program (we graduate at the same time) and then five years of military service. Ten years is such a long time It's easier to just focus on enjoying the moment and if you have to count down, just counting down until you see them again

[lucybelle]

Shoot, there's no way in the world I'd wait 10 years to be with someone. But that's not your question...

Open relationships are more common than you would think. My SO and I were in one for a while and it worked really well for us. Obviously he didn't suggest this to make you mad, the thought it might be a good option for you two. Since it's not, move on

[TerriW312]

Thanks I've been trying to do that and I usually succeed it's just sometimes I worry about it and make it into this big thing :/ I know the obsessing over it is my problem and I'm gonna have to deal with that on my own :P

And actually the ten years isn't all that bad because for five of them we'd be living 5 minutes away from each other for four months of the year (while we're in school) and as for the military thing I wouldn't leave him because he's serving our country But we're also 17 so we may not have the greatest idea on how long ten years would seem. But if we were together for that long I'd think we'd get married while he's in the military (not wait until the end of it) and they'd have to try and station him closer to me. So ten years is just the worst case scenario :P

[Kiyama]

Wow I don't think I could do ten years, despite the four months.
But back to your question. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Ok he suggested it but it doesn't mean he's a bad person or he is going to cheat on you. Open relationships work for some people and for others they don't. I couldn't do it personally but I know a couple who were ld and they had an open relationship. It didn't work out for them because the guy fell for someone else and they've been together for a year now. But the end of the couple's relationship wasn't because of it being open. There was a lot more to that. Although I think there are people who can't seperate sex and emotions.
Ok to cut a long story short: you said no and he respects that and I don't think he had even thought that idea through when he proposed it to you so I don't think you have a reason to worry

[TerriW312]

Thanks for that it's just good to get other people's opinions on this so I know I'm being stupid by worrying about it :P

[Zephii]

I am actually more alarmed that he thought it was ok to text message about this, than thinking it's wrong to suggest it. Like, yeah. There's a time, place and way to speak about stuff like this and texting isn't is lol. But anyway.

Open relationships are not necessarily a terrible idea. You didn't say how long in-between visits you would going, but I think for me personally, if the gaps inbetween visits were likely to exceed six months, I might even suggest to my SO that we go for it.... because it's about saving the relationship. It's not about replacing you.

It helps if you can find a way in your mind to seperate sex and love. They are not the same thing. And yes, like fruit pie and icecream - they are much better together - but you can have one without the other. Sex is just an action. (I'm told) it's not always intimate, it can just be fun without anything else there. So, maybe, to help you get past his one little suggestion, you can take a better look at your views of sex and intimacy?

[Courtney:)]

I know that, personally, I wouldn't like the idea of an open relationship. But again, everyone and every relationship is different. He was just suggesting it, and just wanted to see your view point on it. I always ask my SO about things like this all the time, just for an opinion (I literally JUST asked him about his opinion on open relationships after reading through this thread). 10 years is a long time, but if you think you two can do it, I say go for it

[Caitlin2009]

oh lord 10 years O_o personaly i could never do that, but hey everybody has there own time tables...but unless you both are willing to have an open relationship, its not gonna be a good idea, if you have that everybody has to be on the same page with it and it doesnt seem like you are. although seeing as you have 10 years to go before you close the distance maybe it wouldnt be such a bad idea, its an awfully long time to be away from each other and you both need to have your needs met at some point. think about it you may enjoy the idea later down the line

[TerriW312]

I know that, personally, I wouldn't like the idea of an open relationship. But again, everyone and every relationship is different. He was just suggesting it, and just wanted to see your view point on it. I always ask my SO about things like this all the time, just for an opinion (I literally JUST asked him about his opinion on open relationships after reading through this thread). 10 years is a long time, but if you think you two can do it, I say go for it

Ya I can't deal with an open relationship. Like Zephii said, sex and intimacy are different but personally I can't have sex without trusting someone completely (almost got raped by one of my ex's...) But who knows, maybe someday I'll be emotionally ready for an open relationship and we can re-evaluate it then

And we'll see about the ten years. I still need to sit down with him and have a long discussion about what we want to happen in/our expectations from this relationship.

[Caitlin2009]

Ya I can't deal with an open relationship. Like Zephii said, sex and intimacy are different but personally I can't have sex without trusting someone completely (almost got raped by one of my ex's...) But who knows, maybe someday I'll be emotionally ready for an open relationship and we can re-evaluate it then

And we'll see about the ten years. I still need to sit down with him and have a long discussion about what we want to happen in/our expectations from this relationship.

sounds like a good idea, alot can happen in 10 years and you guys need to have a very long talk

[Rosalynn]

It seems like you have this figured out. I was just going to chime in that I'm in a "monogamish" relationship with my long distance military SO. We sleep with other pre-approved people while we're apart and it REALLY works for us. We love it and we'll probably always be like this. But we're also the kind of couple that thrives off of novelty and can separate sex from love easily. Plus we're not worried about losing the other person.

But open relationship do take a really strong relationship to work, and both people need to be on board. If it isn't for you no worries. Maybe down the road you'll become more secure in yourself/your relationship and can give it a try then. But if you trust him and he really was just suggesting this as an idea, don't worry. You'll forget about it sometime. Time is your friend.

If anyone is like "hmmm I'd like to try an open relationship" give me a shout. I have LOTS of tips to give haha.