Meeting your SO's parents for the first time (and getting their approval)

[Jayburr]

dorabase93 currently has a topic going in regards to parent disapproval of LDRs but, I made a long post there about my own personal situation and then realized later that I might have just unintentionally hijacked his topic lol, so, I'm making a new one for my specific concerns... I'm just going to copy most of what I originally posted in that topic:

So, here's my situation... I haven't met my SO's parents yet, but, I have learned a lot about them through her, and I am expecting an enormous hurdle to overcome in getting their approval one day.

I think all you need to know about my situation in order to understand, is that my SO is Chinese, and I am Caucasian... Right off the bat, I have a strike against me, because her parents of course would prefer that whoever she chooses to be with is at least Asian, preferably Chinese. My SO is also older than me, by 3 years (probably another strike against me). We also have completely different families... Her dad is a doctor, so they are pretty well off financially...and my SO is finishing her Masters Degree now, going down the same path (a path not chosen by her, but by her parents).

Myself on the other hand...I grew up poor and lived off of Corn Flakes and Top Ramen for most of my meals. No one in my family is a doctor or ever will be. I saw my parents and grandparents bankrupt themselves multiple times and vowed never to be like that. So I put myself through college, I have a good job, and I make really good money doing what I'm doing but I'm not a doctor and don't plan to be.

What worries me most is that I will not be able to impress them, because their primary concern is likely going to be in regards to how much money I make. I understand that money is important, and they just want to make sure their daughter will be taken care of, but I literally feel like I have absolutely no chance of being accepted by them, because I chose not to be a health professional, or a lawyer. When I meet them one day, I'm afraid that their first words to me won't be "Hi it's so nice to finally meet you," their first words will be education/career related questions and I'm going to be drilled, and probably feel like a complete worthless loser by the end of the night because I won't come anywhere close to measuring up to their standards.

In the past with ex's, I've never really been scared of meeting parents... I've looked forward to it because I enjoy conversation with people I don't know, learning from them, making them laugh, etc... I have a pretty enjoyable personality I think, and that's been my strong point when bonding with parents. With my SO's parents however, I am scared. I am scared that they will be all business. Regardless of how great a guy I might be, at the end of the day, if I'm not making at least 150k/year, I won't be good enough. I'm afraid that they will tune me out after that point.

I grew up with my best friend, and his step-dad was very much the "all business" type. Whenever I was at his house, his step-dad was only concerned with my grades in school, and later only concerned with my job. He never cared about anything else in my life. He would literally steer conversations AWAY from fun things like paintball, snowboarding, etc, and continue on with school/career related topics. He is successful, but he's an asshole and not personable at all. To put it in perspective, I think he's the only parent I've never been able to make laugh, lol (and I'm sure I'll be adding my SO's parents to that list one day...).

What advice do you guys have for meeting a family that is so different from your own? How can you get the approval of parents that may be very narrow-minded?

[kirbycat]

Are you really sure that her parents will be so critical of you (like, have they expressed disapproval of you to your SO directly, or has she explicitly warned you of this)? Or are you just expecting it based on your interactions with other people from similar backgrounds (like your friend's stepdad)?

If the latter is the case, then here's the thing: in my opinion, to expect strong judgement from someone is in itself a form of judging them, on your part. Does that make sense? Making the assumption that they'll treat you a certain way will cause you to act differently towards them as well (either consciously or subconsciously) - which, especially if they're aware you're treating them differently, won't help you get off on the right foot. Even if you know they're already biased against you, make the effort to treat them with the same respect and generosity you hope to receive.

Apart from that, here are my thoughts on the subject.

1) You can't control what your SO's parents (or anyone) will think about your family, your past, or your life. If they're going to judge, they're going to judge. It sounds like you're living a perfectly good, respectable life, and you should be proud of what you've done for yourself. You don't need to make 150K a year to live well, and you don't need to make apologies for who you are or where you came from.

2) At the end of the day, the most important thing to parents is that you're a responsible, respectful human being who will love and care for their daughter. Even if they do criticize your career choice or family history, seeing that their daughter is happy with you - and that you're doing right by her - ought to make a big difference. If it doesn't - well, you're dating your SO, not her parents. She's the one who's chosen to be with you, and that's what really matters at the end of the day.

3) Do your SO's parents have a very heavy hand in her life? You mentioned she's following a career path of their choosing. Just how controlling are they? Does she live with them? If they seriously disapproved of your relationship, would they actively try to force you apart? That would be a somewhat bigger issue than just what you've asked about here, but it sounds like it might be something to talk to your SO about, so you both know how you'd respond if such a situation arose.

Basic advice for meeting family from a different background: be respectful, of course. Ask your SO if there are any cultural norms or expectations for interaction that you should be aware of. Beyond that, don't sweat it. Just be your normal, kind self, and you'll be fine!

[Jayburr]

Are you really sure that her parents will be so critical of you (like, have they expressed disapproval of you to your SO directly, or has she explicitly warned you of this)? Or are you just expecting it based on your interactions with other people from similar backgrounds (like your friend's stepdad)?

Her parents don't know about me, we haven't quite gotten to that point yet, so no, they have no expressed disapproval. I'm expecting the reactions I mentioned, based on what my SO has told me about her parents, and from what she's told me, there is a lot of importance placed on career choice and income. To them, whether I am a good match for their daughter will depend on my career and how much money I make. Whether I am responsible, reliable and can take care of her, depends on my career and how much money I make, etc... Also, I forgot to mention that her mom is really the one I need to impress, she pretty much wears the pants.

If the latter is the case, then here's the thing: in my opinion, to expect strong judgement from someone is in itself a form of judging them, on your part. Does that make sense? Making the assumption that they'll treat you a certain way will cause you to act differently towards them as well (either consciously or subconsciously) - which, especially if they're aware you're treating them differently, won't help you get off on the right foot. Even if you know they're already biased against you, make the effort to treat them with the same respect and generosity you hope to receive.

This is true... Though, in my expectations, really all I am doing is trying to prepare myself. I'm not judging them just to judge, I'm just trying to get an accurate idea of what to expect. I don't like to do anything without preparing beforehand, and because my SO means a lot to me, and I can see myself with her forever, I feel an enormous pressure to do things right the first time, you know?

2) At the end of the day, the most important thing to parents is that you're a responsible, respectful human being who will love and care for their daughter. Even if they do criticize your career choice or family history, seeing that their daughter is happy with you - and that you're doing right by her - ought to make a big difference. If it doesn't - well, you're dating your SO, not her parents. She's the one who's chosen to be with you, and that's what really matters at the end of the day.

I hope you're right... As I mentioned above, it seems to me like characteristics such being respectful, responsible, etc, are all secondary in importance, compared to how much money I make. Also, I know I'm dating my SO and not her parents, but, I can't help but want to please everyone, and deep down, while she doesn't have the best relationship with her parents, I know she wants to impress them too.

3) Do your SO's parents have a very heavy hand in her life? You mentioned she's following a career path of their choosing. Just how controlling are they? Does she live with them? If they seriously disapproved of your relationship, would they actively try to force you apart? That would be a somewhat bigger issue than just what you've asked about here, but it sounds like it might be something to talk to your SO about, so you both know how you'd respond if such a situation arose.

Yes, her mom has her hands in everything pretty much. She was living on her own while going to school but now that she's done, she's moved back with her parents temporarily while she finishes an internship that is closer to home. I'm not sure if they would try to force us apart, and haven't specifically discussed that with my SO... Honestly though, I don't think i'd be surprised if they tried to do that. Along with me not being their ideal candidate from the very start, being long distance would make it easier for her mom to try and manipulate my SO into thinking our relationship could never work.

Basic advice for meeting family from a different background: be respectful, of course. Ask your SO if there are any cultural norms or expectations for interaction that you should be aware of. Beyond that, don't sweat it. Just be your normal, kind self, and you'll be fine!

When the day comes to finally meet them, I'm definitely going to do that... I just hope it's enough! hehe

[Florann]

I have been a lurker for some time already, but as I can relate to your story, I decide to step out from the shadows for once. Also, my written English skills are not the best, so please try to read through it.

Just like you I am Caucasian and my SO is Cantonese (Hong Kong). The first hurdle to overcome for me was the fact that we met online and that her parents would most likely make a big deal out of it. When my SO told them about me for the first time all their questions were focused on how we met, my background, etc. They were quite neutral and most likely did not treat our relationship serious at all. However, when my SO told them that I was coming to HK; the only thing that they said was: "Don't get your expectations up and just treat him as a friend."

After a few days her parents wanted to meet me. Just like you I had a lot of worries about what could possibly go wrong. However, I was pleasantly surprised as they asked me to come to Macau with them for a day and they even wanted to pay the ticket and such. In the end it went better than I imagined, however be prepared for the "business talk" as they are most likely mostly interested in this aspect. I am lucky though as my SO has an older brother who did not even reach university and thus lowering their expectations. I study International Economics and can speak Japanese (and studying Cantonese in my free time) and luckily they were interested in this a lot. My SO's mom is really keen on Japan, and thus I had made a connection with her. Soon I found out that it wasn't all that bad anymore.

On my second trip they even invited me to their home for dinner and let my SO go to Macau with me for two days. I had to assure her mom that I would not have sex with her though, as it is a big "no-no" until marriage. I have been grown up by the same rule though so it was another big plus. However, I won their trust by being myself, loyal and spoiling her. Because in the end of the day they want you to be husband material. So on the days that I was with her parents, I always paid for her (my SO's advice) and besides that just be myself. Eventually they will overcome the issues that you will have. It took them a little over a year to accept me.

Although I understand that your SO's background is way different and that it will be a difficult situation, try to have a positive mindset. Also, in Asian families the mom is mostly the one that is the most difficult to deal with. (no offense! they just care about their kids, hehe.) My SO's dad did not mind me at all from the very start and even gave me gifts, it is the mom that you will need to convince. So try to find out what she likes, etc, and try to be attentive and respectful.

I am not sure how traditional your SO's parents are, but this is my advice to you:

1. Be respectful and behave to their culture. (for example, never leave any rice in your bowl!)
1a. Be interested in their culture, just ask away.
2. Don't chicken out when her parents would not talk much. They will most likely observe you. (this is really annoying!)
3. Be attentive and bring a gift or whatsoever.
4. Be yourself.

As for the money (job/background) related issue I can sadly not give you any advice, as this was not an issue in my case. However, they will most likely care a lot about it. (considering their background)

It's late here (2AM), so I am sorry if my post does not make sense. I hope that it is of any use to you though.

[Jayburr]

Thank you very much for coming out of the shadows to reply Florann, hehe, your post is helpful and I do appreciate it.

All I can do is be myself. You're right about her mom being the one to convince too... As I mentioned in my OP, she is the one that "wears the pants" in the house hehe. One thing I am not sure about it how she behaves with strangers... From what I know about her through my SO, she seems like the type that might be very passive aggressive, hypocritical, and condescending, but I can't tell for sure. Obviously, if respect is of utmost importance, she shouldn't behave in such a way with a stranger, but since I'm a potential partner for her daughter, she might "drill" me differently than an ordinary stranger lol.

[megfashion]

be yourself.. it doesnt matter if they dont approve first off. it took my mum about a year to actually like my SO, and i think dad is still growing to him (but dad is different as he still sees me as his little girl and doesnt like the fact that i have a boyfriend. nothing against him )

about background... they will be *fine*.
the SO and his parents are extremely close. they are such a close-knit family, hurt one of them and you hurt them all. its quite hard to impress them.
however, im from the opposite, where yes i talk to my mother and father, but have nothing to do with my brother and sister (thats a story in itself that i dont want to go into).

they are quite rich, we have a few loans to pay off (not bankrupt, granted, but still loans)

even though, they would most likely look at you as a person. you didnt choose your family or background, why should it define you?



good luck

[tanaquil]

Being Cantonese myself and having a white boyfriend (though not completely Western, seeing as he's Russian), I think I can give you a little insight on the workings of an Asian family!

Status is pretty important in a Chinese mind , as some tend to see the type of job a person holds as a reflection of what kind of person they are. A doctor means they're studious and trustworthy, obviously (sarcasm!). I wouldn't call it narrow-mindedness, maybe in the defense of my own parents' culture, but I think Chinese people can generally be very stubborn and, when set to a perception about a person, have a more difficult time changing. Fortunately, I'm assuming you haven't done anything bad to them personally, so you should not worry too much :P

Like people said, be yourself and bring a gift -- it's a sign of respect upon an initial visit, especially to elders. Maybe something representing where you're from? Stand whenever they are around and only sit when they sit. Chinese people, thanks to Confucianism, highly value respect for elders and, if you show that, you'll no doubt impress them! Most parents would be worried about how a man, especially one from a different culture, will treat their daughter; this is no different with Chinese parents, who are probably worried that their child will not be able to adjust to a new culture, the language barrier (for them!) and if you'll be able to treat her as they expect.

Sorry if this is a very jumpy reply -- I've been under the weather lately and my mind hasn't been working. But PM me if you need help with anything! I'm from Hong Kong and my parents live in Mainland China for work so I have a good idea of both cultures, as they're both VERY different :P

[Jayburr]

even though, they would most likely look at you as a person. you didnt choose your family or background, why should it define you?

I hope you're right!

Being Cantonese myself and having a white boyfriend (though not completely Western, seeing as he's Russian), I think I can give you a little insight on the workings of an Asian family!

Status is pretty important in a Chinese mind , as some tend to see the type of job a person holds as a reflection of what kind of person they are. A doctor means they're studious and trustworthy, obviously (sarcasm!). I wouldn't call it narrow-mindedness, maybe in the defense of my own parents' culture, but I think Chinese people can generally be very stubborn and, when set to a perception about a person, have a more difficult time changing. Fortunately, I'm assuming you haven't done anything bad to them personally, so you should not worry too much :P

Like people said, be yourself and bring a gift -- it's a sign of respect upon an initial visit, especially to elders. Maybe something representing where you're from? Stand whenever they are around and only sit when they sit. Chinese people, thanks to Confucianism, highly value respect for elders and, if you show that, you'll no doubt impress them! Most parents would be worried about how a man, especially one from a different culture, will treat their daughter; this is no different with Chinese parents, who are probably worried that their child will not be able to adjust to a new culture, the language barrier (for them!) and if you'll be able to treat her as they expect.

Sorry if this is a very jumpy reply -- I've been under the weather lately and my mind hasn't been working. But PM me if you need help with anything! I'm from Hong Kong and my parents live in Mainland China for work so I have a good idea of both cultures, as they're both VERY different :P

This could be an advantage or a disadvantage but, my SO's parents seem to be more of an 'americanized' family. Her dad was born in China but came to the U.S. at an early age, so, he mostly grew up here. I think her mom was born in Taiwan and came to the U.S. in her late teens. So far as I can tell, they are not completely traditional, nor are they 'fresh off the boat' enough to experience or be afraid of any kind of culture shock between my SO and I. It's funny though, whenever I'm on the phone with my SO and her mom walks in, she always speaks Mandarin to my SO, but my SO speaks English back to her (though she does know Mandarin, just doesn't prefer speaking it), and it's the same thing with her dad, who, whenever I hear him talking, is always speaking English (and my SO's younger sister as well...).

In my free time I've been learning as much Mandarin as I can, and I asked my SO a while back if this would be something that would score any points with her mom at all. She told me it would, but that it's more of a just a bonus and not something she'd place a lot of importance on. At the end of the day, everything still depends on how good of a job I have.