Between a Rock and a Hard Place: Please Advise!

[Lunar Snow]

Eeee! This is a follow-up to the post I first made about trying to plan a visit and work for the summer. Tonight, my SO surprised me by saying that, come the end of this week (and provided he is frugal for the next little while), he should have enough for a ticket to fly me to visit him! Exciting, totally!!! He wants me to come mid to late July, which would be lots of fun and hopes that I can stay for a week or more (if it is more, he will be working a bit while I am there...which is okay, because I was going to classes and work, etc. when he came and saw me and it gives some sense of a "normal" dating life).

What's the problem, you say? Well, despite inspirational speeches, I have applied for some jobs, but not very many at all. Rather depressed about the prospects for careers in the field I studied in...but I haven't given up yet...and I need to stop researching and start just plastering resumes out. As for summer jobs, my pride kind of got in the way of looking for regular sorts of jobs (I know I sound like a snot...and it really is kind of dumb, since I have a student debt and want to go see my partner, etc. and some money would be better than no money coming in...especially when it is becoming difficult to afford even the cell phone I have that he calls me on. My family is either not in a position to help me or may not be the most approving of funds going toward a relationship like this. Why no summer job? I had to head home to save money and in a small town, tongues wag--it would be embarassing, after all my training and academic successes, to be cooking fries for the people I went to high school with. All the really cool-sounding summer jobs, which I would score in the past, are limited to students returning to studies in the fall). Anyway, my SO insists that he wants to see me...and the sooner, the better (goodness, I want to see him)...so the flight will likely need to be a very generous gift from him. However, once I am there, I assume that I will need to be able to pay for things like food and dates (and when I limit a $5 movie rental to very rarely...you can sort of see that I am not in a position to sight-see in style right now). To top that off, I've gained about 5 pounds and become untoned from inactivity (which looks like more on a petite person and seems to be distributing in all the wrong places)...HA! I had this goal that this year I would have abs of steel and not fear the bikini--so much for that. I feel like I need pretty summer things and sophisticated outfits. I know I sound ridiculously spoiled right now, but he wants me to meet his family (which induces nervousness enough, let alone he being quite fashionable and one of his siblings even wants to go into fashion) and also his best friends (who I happen to be rather jealous of...well, some anyway, and all happen to be really pretty and have their jobs and nice outfits...I mean, I have nice things, but I wanted something special and new to give me a little boost in the people-pleasing arena...since I am a warm person, but feel very shy and even anxious meeting new people...especially with situations like this).

I guess what I am saying (and I read it and feel so self-centred) is that I am excited, but so nervous because I am concerned about not being able to go out on dates with him once we are finally visiting...or awkward situations that might arise from my lack of funds if we do go on dates...and I want to make a good impression on people in his life and on him (because, these are memories I am building with him in-person, which will tide us over until we next see each other), but feel like I am not able to put my best foot forward right now (in terms of keeping up with the Jones).

I really feel uncomfortable talking to him about some of these concerns (I know...being open, trust...etc. but I don't want to shoot his inspiration and hard work for a visit down with my insecurity bazooka...those lofty things may not make it back up again after that). So, please...advice=awesome.

[folclor]

okay, first off, I understand where you're coming from on not wanting to have one of those fry cook jobs, when I came home from college the LAST thing I wanted to do was get a job where people I knew from high school would be coming in going, "What happened to you?" And, after working at Dairy Queen for 3 weeks, I realized that it was one of the most horrible jobs I could get. ^^; However, not all jobs are bad. If you got a job at a nice shop or an established restaurant that could've been great. However, there are very few who would hire you now if you're just looking for a 'summer' job.

As far as meeting the parents go, I understand that completely. On my trip this summer I met his parents, sister, and cousin as well as his best friends so I was extremely nervous. However, if your SO likes you and he's sure his family will, there's no reason to be so worried about all that stuff. Just dress in something nice. Besides, if you've never met them before how do they know what you have in your arsenal of clothing? It's not like they're going to say, "Oh, she wore that last year, how could she wear it again this summer?" They're probably going to think, "Oh, that's a cute outfit." So stop worrying so much. ^^;; Or, even if they dislike your clothes, they likely won't say anything about it. If they're polite at all they won't mention any 'lack of fashion' they disagree with.

And things don't have to be expensive to be enjoyable. if you're REALLY worried about getting new clothes but you have no budget, go to a second hand clothing shop or a goodwill. Half the time they have at least one or two really awesome pieces for like $5.

Anyway, tell him what you're worried about first, let him talk you through it or give you some encouragement, and it'll be fine. ^^ good luck with it.

[Zephii]

Having always been very poor, I hear you. And, having always been determined never to work just for money, I also hear you. Being at the bottom of the barrel somehow doesn't stop us wanting more.... but at the same time we need to be realistic.

I was lucky, the year I first met Obi I saved so hard that I didn't own a single piece of clothing that didn't have holes in it and my sister refused to let me go overseas looking like a bum, so she donated a bunch of clothes to my cause. But, had she not, I'd have gone anyway... I remember having long talks with Obi about money, being from a much better off family than I his views were quite different and often shallow - I spent a lot of time challenging that. Years later he said something to me along the lines of having learnt a lot because although I'm financially not worth anything I mean the whole world to him. I was like "awww"
And the point of that ramble is - BE who you are and don't give into the petty trappings of our society.

With that said, with effort there's a lot of cheap ways you can give your old clothes new life without spending a bundle - like you can re-dye your jeans to make them look new. You can also dye faded shirts depending on the material (though I wouldnt do it any colour other than black, that seemed to work best for me.) If you clean your shoes and put in fresh laces they will also pass for new - or buy shoe polish.

[Bluestars]

If you have nice clothes, I really do not think you should be worried about buying new ones, although I can understand that urge. I think you should work on improving your self-esteem. I know it is hard--it's ironic that I am even giving advice on this--but I HIGHLY doubt anyone will look down on you based on what you wear. You just have to have confidence in yourself and they will see the person underneath, not a superficial view of you.

As for the money issue....I think you should be trying harder to find a job lol! My SO was sort of in your situation at the end of last year. He applied to a few places, but when he got rejected, it broke his spirit and he sort of gave up. I know it will be hard for you to find a job, but you just have to look! You do not have to flip burgers. You could work at a grocery store, as a host at a restaurant, at a movie theater, or at a drug store. You could also try working in sales. Basically, you just have to apply to as many places as possible.

But back to the money issue with your SO. You should just tell him your concerns. Tell him that you do not have a lot of spending money, and if he wants to do things that are expensive, then he will have to pay for it. That may sound bad, but my SO has a ton more money than me, and if I had to pay for everything, we would just stay at home everyday because I am poor :P However, he wants to go out, so it is not a problem. If you feel bad about it, maybe you could tell him that you will pay for one dinner. I usually try to buy my SO a treat every once in a while to show him that i appreciate him Occasionally, I will pick up the bill at dinner, but I make sure to tell him to eat cheap lol!

There are also tons of things that you can do for dates that are really cheap; you just have to be creative. You could rent movies from redbox for a dollar, have a picnic, go to the park, go to a free festival, or lay in bed all day and cuddle watching TV shows online

[agentholli]

i know how you feel. Being poor my whole life, and being a single mom, who BARELY makes ends meet..well I actually don't make ends meet. I have to juggle my bills ALL the time, I haven't bought new clothes for me for a least 7 years..which totally sucks because these are the same clothes that I had when I was married..blah! Anyway, I also worry that when Mark comes to visit, he will see just how poor I am, and not love me anymore. I have never said anything about this to him...EVER! I try not to wear my "best" clothes right now, to save them from getting stains or holes or something on it, so i can wear them when he is here. I am not at all materialistic..and neither is Mark, but I still worry. I mean my couch has a big hole in the middle..i laugh it off all the time when I talk to him, and I don't have a lot of things. Especially kitchen stuff..but if I don't have it...i don't need it..lol.

He will love you just the way you are. I am sure of it!