Taking a break vs. break up

[Berna]

I need your opinions/experience on this topic. Is taking a break the same as a break up, is it a way to get into the break up easier, or is it a way to sort some things in your head to keep the relationship going or take it to the next level?

Also, while on a break, would you call your SO for his birthday, or not?

[snow_girl]

Everyone has different rules from breaks. A lot of times breaks don't end well or I have known people to use them to ease into a break up, but I think that is the cowardly way to do it. What is your story? If you need time to sort some things out in your head a break is okay but you need rules. If the rules are limited contact then call him on his birthday, if the rules are you can see other people and no contact then it probably isn't a good idea to call on his bday.

[tanaquil]

A break-up is definite, meaning that your SO is sure that they don't want to get back together with you. It's permanent. A break is what it is -- something to allow both to recharge and to think about what's going on in your relationship. People take breaks for a lot of reasons, but it usually means that you'll get back together for at least some time. As for the birthday message, that's more for you to answer. I agree with snow_girl: have you agreed to have a little bit of contact? no contact?

If there's no "rule" about this, then you should call him and that can be sweet (: good luck!!

[dianacakes]

My idea of a break is just giving each other space and time away from one another to sort your feelings/thoughts out on your own. Because you know, sometimes being in a LDR, your thoughts/judgments are clouded and you lose track of your goals. Also I think contact should be of a minimum - so probably just wait for his birthday to call him. (because you don't want him to think you forgot his birthday!) :P And usually, my SO and I end breaks by telling each other when we feel ready to discuss our thoughts together and try and get everything sorted out.

Then again, I know friends who use "Lets take a break" as a jerk way of saying "I want to break up". So like snow_girl said, everyone has different interpretations of "taking breaks", probably best to be upfront and see how he views them so you don't drive yourself insane wondering if he wants to break up with you or not.

[megfashion]

we have taken breaks before... its been quite refreshing and its a time where we know we are at breaking point. we had a break once for about a week, and after plenty of discussion and time to heal we got back together... it takes time, but it can work, sometimes. as people say, breaks are when you dont think you want to break up, but its kind of close to it.

and yes call him for his birthday. you would for a friend, so why not him? :P

[Malaga]

I'm not the one for breaks really. I can understand if one or both sides need some space to think things through. But it's short term period of limited communication after which a decision is made, and while it lasts the couple still act attached - they don't pursue or date other people etc. I don't get indefinite breaks, breaks where people start dating other people, I think that's just easing into a full on breakup. And yes, I would expect someone I still call my SO to wish me a happy birthday, break or no break. If my SO demanded I don't call him for birthday/Christmas, I'd just take it as a break-up.

Having in mind your previous threads, I hate to say I don't see how a break might help your situation :-/ A break is the time to think and reflect, but I don't he feels he has much thinking to do. He made it clear what you can expect of him and the more you talk to him, the more it comes out. I really don't think he's going to wake up one day, call you and say, "I finally made up my mind, I want you to be my girlfriend". I think you're going to be very disappointed if you expect something like that. A break suits him perfectly but not you, he'll get unattached affection when he's in town but with no responsibilities to you when he's gone. Please find the strength to just break up. Unless you're genuinely down with casual sex and entertainment, this is the only right thing you can do for yourself.

Good luck xx

[Berna]

Thank you all for your replies and input!

Well, there was no "no talking rule" since we work together so talking to each other is inevitable. However, we don't say sweet-nothings to each other since we said goodbye at the airport a week and a half ago.

The question he has to think about though is not whether I will be his girlfriend or not, it's whether I will be moving with him or not (that's why he is constantly mentioning that he doesn't see me as his "wife", which means he is not ready for commitment, at least not with me, but on the other hand he has a tough time of letting me go, possibly because he feels guilt in some way, and when I think about our past conversations I clearly see his indecisiveness and why he wants ME to leave HIM and is trying to push me away from him).

He is on vacation now, that's why he told me that he will have some time alone, with no stress about his job and life (which really suck at the moment) to think about us, and what he really wants.

[Kristin91]

Breaks are different for every couple. In my opinion, if you take a break you may as well break up because while on a break you can't work out any of the problems that caused you to take a break in the first place! The only way you can fix any problems at all is to stay in the relationship and communicate!

I say if you feel comfortable calling and wishing your SO a happy birthday then do it, if not then don't.

[Jayburr]

I personally don't agree with breaks and I see them as simply a way to delay an inevitable break-up.

As Kristin said, when you're on a break, you can't work out the problem, in fact, it's being ignored. It's like having an unresolved argument and the way you're choosing to solve it, is by not talking about it for a few days and HOPING that one, or both of you, will simply 'get over it.' Example: A few days later, one of you finally says 'I'm sorry. Can we move on now? Go back to the way we were?' Then you guys might be fine for a short while, but those same problems will keep coming back. In my experience, that's exactly what happens in a break. You separate for a while, then you miss each other, you re-connect again and it's perfect for a few weeks, but then you inevitably end up back where you were.

All relationships are different, all people are different, some times breaks can work, but in my opinion, they are a waste of time. Work the problems out immediately, and if you can't, then, well...you can't.

[Snowlilly]

I personally don't agree with breaks and I see them as simply a way to delay an inevitable break-up.

As Kristin said, when you're on a break, you can't work out the problem, in fact, it's being ignored. It's like having an unresolved argument and the way you're choosing to solve it, is by not talking about it for a few days and HOPING that one, or both of you, will simply 'get over it.' Example: A few days later, one of you finally says 'I'm sorry. Can we move on now? Go back to the way we were?' Then you guys might be fine for a short while, but those same problems will keep coming back. In my experience, that's exactly what happens in a break. You separate for a while, then you miss each other, you re-connect again and it's perfect for a few weeks, but then you inevitably end up back where you were.

All relationships are different, all people are different, some times breaks can work, but in my opinion, they are a waste of time. Work the problems out immediately, and if you can't, then, well...you can't.

I agree with this. I would not be one for a break.....

[Brieasaurus]

In my opinion, taking a break is the equivalent of pausing your relationship until you are both able to come to terms and continue the relationship where breaking up is ending things for good.

I've taken about 2 breaks from my SO. To be completely honest, I think it really depends on the relationship. We used them to just gather our thoughts, get out all the negative feelings and then be able to resume with our happy little relationship. That being said, we also still talked, didn't allow cheating or anything, it was basically like a less intense version of our normal relationship. Usually a break was the result of constant fighting or our inability to just realize that we each needed some "me time" and space. For us, we were then able to really figure out the root of the problem and talk about it/resolve it in a better way.

However, I have seen a bunch of people on here whose SOs have used breaks as a way of breaking up or used them in order to have a "commitment free" relationship. I can't recall any of your previous threads but judging from what Malaga said, if you feel that your SO is doing that to you, please get the strength to leave him. You deserve better. Wish him a happy birthday and a happy rest of your life and find someone who wants to be fully committed to you.

[Sora1101]

I honestly hate breaks, I don't think they really work at all it's just a cowards way out instead of talking about the problem and working together to fix it. I think the only time someone should take a break is when something really bad happens, like being caught cheating and or cheating or an extreme emotional event has taken place. That's when both parties need to sit down and evaluate the relationship and their emotions on their own before they can give it a try and attempt to fix the problem. The way I see it most people who take breaks usually end up breaking up anyway, like I said they don't fix any of the problems so right when you return to the relationship all your crap is right there waiting for you.

[Zephii]

I'm in the boat with Jayburr, I don't do breaks and I don't suggest them to others. I think if you can't stand together during the hardest times of your lives and work together through the hardest times of your relationship then.. well.. what's the point of being together? I think breaks are a way of avoiding the issue at hand and that they don't solve things. I don't understand why people can't take time to think on issues whilst maintaining their relationships.

I've used a break to ease into a break up before (because I didn't want him to beat the shit out of me I can admit I'm a coward!) and really it just makes it more messy. I also think it's a bit wrong to ask for a break. It's like saying "Right now I don't want you, and I don't want to be responsible for upholding my end of this relationship, but don't go finding someone else in case I change my mind." Uh, no thanks.

On the birthday calling front, why not?

[Snowlilly]

I'm in the boat with Jayburr, I don't do breaks and I don't suggest them to others. I think if you can't stand together during the hardest times of your lives and work together through the hardest times of your relationship then.. well.. what's the point of being together? I think breaks are a way of avoiding the issue at hand and that they don't solve things. I don't understand why people can't take time to think on issues whilst maintaining their relationships.

I've used a break to ease into a break up before (because I didn't want him to beat the shit out of me I can admit I'm a coward!) and really it just makes it more messy. I also think it's a bit wrong to ask for a break. It's like saying "Right now I don't want you, and I don't want to be responsible for upholding my end of this relationship, but don't go finding someone else in case I change my mind." Uh, no thanks.

On the birthday calling front, why not?

That's how I look at it too.

[Alemap]

I've used a break to ease into a break up before (because I didn't want him to beat the shit out of me I can admit I'm a coward!) ...

Nothing cowardly about basic self-preservation, Zephii. I am glad you are away from that person, and commend your strength and courage in getting out.
I know how hard it can be.

I agree with the majority, here; break up, or work through your issues together. And if he's not actually your boyfriend, then there's no relationship to take a break from, and you deserve better than to throw your time after someone who doesn't recognise what a good thing they have in you. Go find someone who's just as into the idea of having a relationship with you as you are with them.

P.