Getting the strength to go back home?

[MissVampyxo]

So now I've almost been here two months and things aren't feeling too well for me...
My family of course is constantly telling me and asking when I'm going home and I of course kind of want to go... but I don't want to leave. I've been feeling a little iffy about this relationship (I had the exact same thing for about a month before I visited here.) I just don't know if we can make it.
I'm here, graduated in June and am only 17. I can't declare domicile, can't get a job, can't have a car, etc. He's 21 and has no job, no car, but is currently going to college. It's just so hard here and I'd love it if he had his own place and we had money and a car... I'm kind of getting annoyed at it now and realizing that it's such a big pain.. and strain. I'm thinking I need to go back home, but on the other hand I do like it here and can't even begin to imagine what it would be like when I buy the ticket home.. He had visited me 2 times before this visit and each time was a mess for even 2 weeks before he had to leave. I won't just be sad and crying about me leaving... I'll be crying because I know he'll be broken too since I'll be leaving him this time.
I'm so stuck and I just really wish we both had jobs already and was getting our own place.

Though also in all honesty before I came here and I know if I'd go back- life back home is going to be miserable. My parents are going through a bad time and we're pretty poor now than we were before. I had applied like crazy for jobs a year+ before I had came to visit and had no such luck. I'd really like to do my college here because they have the program I'd like to study in whereas back home they don't.

I just don't know what to do, I hate sitting here everyday doing nothing (though honestly I did the exact same thing back home but at least here I get him to be with me, which makes me happy.)

I have a feeling everyone is going to tell me to go back home, which I sort of know I should try... but I also feel so horrible and wrong about leaving here.

[Kristin91]

I really don't know what to tell you... Stop wishing for things to be different. Either change the way things are (get jobs to get money to get an apartment and a car) or move back home or don't change anything and be upset all the time. It's really up to you to what you want to do. If you want to go home, go home. If you want to study in Florida then study there. You're 17, and while you're still technically a minor you're old enough to make your own decisions.

[tanaquil]

I'm just a little confused right now -- are you here for good or are you visiting? If it's a visit, then perhaps you should stop worrying about long time goals and just enjoy yourself (:

And you're still young! You've JUST graduated high school. Is university an option for you? How about getting a job? And, idk, it's hard to balance a job and being a full-time college student, in defense of your SO.

I hope you figure things out!

[Caitlin2009]

stick it out where you are, it will most likely be a big mistake if you go back to where you once lived, at least wait a year before you make any sort of big decision, if you think your relationship with him is floundering talk to him about it, see if it can be fixed. But dont just up and move back just because your parents want you to or it will be easier on you. life doesnt work that way, you gotta have your own life and you cant just have your family dictate that for you

[Sanney4709]

I understand where you are coming from with the job issues. I have been looking for over a year now with no luck. If I can't get my act together by the end of this next school year I will lose the chance for my SO to move here and finish his school here. Then it would be another 2-3 years of being apart which would really suck. Florida's job opportunities seem to be scarce. Especially for those of us with not much experience. Anyways I say if your happier there apply for school there and don't give up on the job search. Talk to your SO about your relationship if you have doubts. Good luck with everything. I really hope it all works out for you.

[MissVampyxo]

The thing about the job thing here is I can't really get one until I'm a citizen here, which I can't apply to be one until I'm 18! Also when I do get a job... they only have one car so it's going to be incredibly hard for a while since 4 people will be sharing one car. Which is why I don't know what to do!

[pink elephant]

Unfortunately, the clock is ticking, and while you remain there - I don't mean to be rude when I say this, but it feels like you are only prolonging what you want with the happy things and putting off what needs to be done.

As long as you are both willing, patient, and strong, things will work out and you two will have the rest of your lives to spend together. But right now, both of you need to figure out your future. There can't be one if neither one of you is working or on your way toward working, I'm afraid. Plus, if he doesn't have a job, a car, or his own place, and you don't see that changing anytime soon and that that's going to be a problem for you (when you also can't also declare domicile, get a car, or a job) then perhaps going back is your best option right now until you can do something to earn those things.

You mention you want to go to school there. Have you applied for school already?

Personally, I think it would be a good idea for you to go back home. Staying there would, unfortunately, could potentially be financially draining to you both and would hinder you from seeing each other again. (That whole only having one car thing also sounds like it really sucks. And pardon my language.) Going back would give you a chance and more time to plan your next move more carefully, get you (I'm assuming) free housing/food/TV/internet/other amenities with your parents, and provide you more chances in having a job because you would be in your home state.

Even if it would hurt to leave him now, remember that you can always go back again.

Being in an LDR is all about making sacrifices, so don't think a move back as leaving him - see it as finding ways and taking steps toward being closer together.

[Moon]

Sweetheart, go home. You're only 17, you don't have to struggle with this yet. if you were in a situation where you were in a very bad home or something, you could do this at 17, but why go through all of this hardship when there's no good reason for it? You're putting yourself through an awful lot for a relationship you're not even sure about, you know? Go home, let him get through school, do the same yourself, and you can try this again later if you want, when you're better prepared. I think you were brave to try it, but as you've discovered, it's just too hard at 17, you can't legally do anything for yourself yet and you don't have the experience or education for a decent job at the moment anyway. Good luck with whichever you decide.

[Dziubka]

I believe there's a time for closing the distance and that you need to make a plan and be ready for it. It's never as easy as "just moving", even if there are no visas or language barriers invovled. If packing up our things was all it took, then none of us would be long distance anymore. Unfortunately we have to consider things like school, education, jobs, family, etc. Some of us have been ldr for years. It's not that we didn't want to be together, but closing the distance just isn't a (smart) option right now. A lot of us could probably just pack and leave, but all things considered one person giving up their current life seems to be a worse option than staying long distance for a little longer. Yes, long distance sucks, we all know that. But being unhappy and poor in a strange place far away from everything you know sucks too.

What I would do is look into your options realistically and make a plan.
Do you want to stay there?
How could you go on about that?
Do you want to go to college? If yes, for what? Could you get into school there? How would you pay for that? When do you have to apply? When do classes start?

Do you have a car back home? Can you bring it? Sell it and buy a new one? What are the job options for you?

If you go back home, for how much longer would you be long distance? Could he eventually move to your place? (and then the same, what would he do, etc?)

[Romeo s Juliet]

I think u re just expecting alot more than is possible from ur SO. He is 21 ok, and he is still going through collage, u already expect him to own a car/house so he can make ur life better? I think that is asking too much. Houses and cars dnt come easy. U have to work for it. How about u working for it and getting a house and a car without always expecting ur guy to do it?
If you cant work there due to redidency issues, go back home, study, get a job and thn think of moving in. you re not even sure about this relationship, but u expect wayy more than you should. If u want a comfortable life, work for it, stop expecting it from your SO to always make things easy for u

[Tooki]

On the point of being home bored all day, VOLUNTEER. It will get you experience (that is as good as working monetarily), it will occupy your time and it will also give you some networking opportunities.

And as Romeo s Juliet has said, it definitely feels like you expect more from your BF than he can give you. I think that you need to be more proactive and really plan out what you want to do with yourself.

[Zephii]

This is going to come out blunt as because I'm super tired, so please excuse that, but I really think you need to stop using your youth as an excuse. You figure out what you want, and then you do that. It's really as simple and complicated as that.

If you want a job, get one. So what if you can't declare? Get a cash in hand job, volunteer or make something sale-able and sell it on ebay or etsy. If you decide to go back home and you're still not having luck on the job front ask the employer to be honest about why they did not choose you. Find out what you're doing wrong and fix it. Don't make excuses for why you can't get things done, just find ways to get it done.

Lots of people don't have cars. But unless you're in the high-fiddle-dee there will be a way to get around. Yeah, it's going to be less convenient, but you gotta make that shit work. There's almost always some kind of public transport, or you can pick up a second hand bicycle or you can walk. The year and a half I spent in Canada I couldn't drive and there wasn't a bus in the direction I needed to go. So I walked to work, an hour there and an hour back every freaking day sun, rain or snow. Did it suck? Yes. But sometimes a little bit of suck is part of life.

It pisses me off that so many people in my general age group think that they are going to start out their adult lives with the luxuries they see their parents have. It doesn't work like that. The facts are: You have to learn to budget. You'll likely be paid far less than you think you're worth for a job that your hate deepens for every day. You'll live off shit like 2 minute noodles and grilled sandwiches sometimes because you can't afford better. You'll get off your arse and walk when you need to get somewhere. Your clothes will start falling apart - but you'll start learning the difference between needs and wants. You'll learn the value of basically everything - from wasted electricity to difference between home-brand corn and Golden Circle. And you'll appreciate things all the more for that hard work. Your dedication will pay off when your reputation as a hard worker is built up. Your experience opens better doors for you. You become confident in yourself and your ability to manage. You make more money and start achieving things. But it doesn't happen right away. You have to get in there and suck it up no matter how scary, daunting or demeaning you think it is.

What I don't understand is: You will both of you be so crushed when you leave when you're not even sure about this relationship?

Actually.. why aren't you sure about this relationship? Is it a compatibility thing? Is it something he's doing/not doing? Are you unhappy? Or is it more about that this all seems too hard than about the relationship itself? I think where I'm going with this is: Are you iffy about the relationship, or are you iffy about your (and his) ability to be adults and in a relationship?

[temporaryuser]

You cant get a job because you are not a citizen, or not a resident of the state? What about babysitting? or some other type of job that pays under the table? Atleast that would be money in your pocket. Right now you are mooching off his family, who seems to be kind enough to have taken you in.
Apply for FAFSA, look into funding for school. Talk to a community college about options. if that isnt possible in Florida, then go back home. You cant do anything without an education. With the economy in the shape it is, employers arent going to hire someone with a hs diploma over someone with a degree, no matter how little they pay. Atleast knocko ut the basic english math science classes, and then if you are ready to move back down, those credits can transfer to a differnt school.

[SquishyLove]

You cant get a job because you are not a citizen, or not a resident of the state? What about babysitting? or some other type of job that pays under the table? Atleast that would be money in your pocket. Right now you are mooching off his family, who seems to be kind enough to have taken you in.
Apply for FAFSA, look into funding for school. Talk to a community college about options. if that isnt possible in Florida, then go back home. You cant do anything without an education. With the economy in the shape it is, employers arent going to hire someone with a hs diploma over someone with a degree, no matter how little they pay. Atleast knocko ut the basic english math science classes, and then if you are ready to move back down, those credits can transfer to a differnt school.

Technically, what I put in bold is not always correct. Some more "simple jobs" will pass over people with a college degree for being "overqualified." It happens all the time, although not in every case. I think service-oriented jobs might be reluctant to hire people with a higher education because they're afraid that person will be gone as soon as a better job in their field comes along.

For the OP, I'm also curious what makes you unsure of this relationship. Is it the relationship itself, or just the circumstances surrounding it? I agree with what many others have said - YOU have to take control of your life no matter where you choose to live. It's up to no one else but you. Even doing some volunteer work is something you can include in your past job experience when applying for jobs. If your parents make below a certain income, you will qualify for a pell grant for school as well. Look into public transportation options in your area, get a bike, walk, etc. Unless you live out in the boondocks, you can find a way to get around.

I generally tend not to always "approve" of very young people (very early 20's, late teens, etc.) moving super far away to be together before things like school are finished...but what makes me go against my conventional way of thinking is the fact that it seems it's not all that much better back home, at least as far as economic factors are concerned. The thing is, you need to ask yourself if this relationship is one that will last, mostly based on the fact you're living with his family. If this relationship doesn't seem like it will be long-lasting, then of course you can't hedge all your bets on staying in his state, UNLESS you can yourself become completely independent and able to support yourself if need be. And honestly, you need to work towards that whether you stay with him or go back to your parents.

I would ask yourself these questions about the relationship itself:

Do we (you and your SO) get along very well, like REALLY get along well a majority of the time? Can we agree about things or make compromises most of the time? Is the relationship egalitarian, or he someone always making the decisions/calling the shots? Does it feel like a struggle or are things pretty easy-going? Do we actually communicate very well about our needs/wants/desires in our relationship and lives, present and future? Do we have a strategy that we use to resolve conflicts? Do we have an exit strategy that will have us in our own apartment or other domicile independent from his parents in a reasonable amount of time (this time is up to you guys)? Do we see ourselves being lifetime partners for years to come? Are we IN LOVE?

It just sounds like you moved without any real plan other than the fact you would be living with his family. You wanted to be with him, so you moved, but didn't think about how life would be in his state living with his family. Now you're bored and restless at home, wanting to do something with your life but feeling helpless to change. You CAN change what's going on by being proactive, but only you can do it.

Other posters gave great advice as well. Zephii made the point that a lot of late teens/early 20's young adults feel slighted by getting out into the real world and discovering that it's not easy and they aren't immediately "established." I'm 29, and I'm JUST NOW feeling like a "real adult" not struggling to get by. It will take a lot of time to get there.

Word of advice from an old lady who dragged her feet on the college thing: If college IS in your plans, start applying to colleges you want to go to NOW. Find a way to drum up the application fees. Fill out FAFSA stuff NOW. It's much easier to get all this stuff done now while you have some free time. I dragged my feet on this and didn't get to go to my first choice school. I'm also a drop-out, but that's besides the point I'm just trying to point out that if I'd gotten "on it" sooner, I'd have been better off. I'm 29 now, and without a college degree. I can attest that in certain ways, life would've been easier for me with one. I'm in a good place now, and would like to return to school in a year or so to finish what I started, but if I'd just done the college prep thing better, things might have turned out differently.

Sorry to ramble.

Good luck!

[MissVampyxo]

The reason I'm making my age an 'excuse' is because everything I've looked into, requires me to be 18 or have parents present at the time being of whatever I plan on doing. His college requires students to be 18 before even getting into the college. From what I've looked up and read I cannot get a job until I am a Florida resident, and how do I exactly find jobs that pay under the table? I know it seems like I'm asking for a lot and I realize that I am like that sometimes. I DO know that growing up is a gigantic pain in the ass and it's not all handed to me easily. I just am completely lost as to where to even start if what I've looked into says I can't do anything. I do want to stay here, and be with him and start my life here but I don't know where else to look for help.

What I'm scared about in this relationship is if we will always just be here, not having our own place and own lives and always taking things from his parents. It makes me feel bad about it because I hate having them support us. I'm just worried our lives will only be that.