Confused..

[Tawny]

Okay, so first of all this is mostly for myself to vent.. But please feel free to respond to my posts. In fact it is encouraged.

So my boyfriend and I have been fighting quite a bit lately, and yesterday he told me he was smoking again. This is a big issue because I am very against smoking and it took him AGES to quit. He also claims it's the stress at work.. But for some reason I feel as though this is a way of getting him to smoke. I begged him to try his best to get off of it because we are better again, his response was "I'll try." He didn't sound like he was going to attempt to stop..

So, I did something that was probably wrong but I went on my instincts. Literally just a few minutes ago on Skype he told me he had to go clean the basement (his grandmother made that quite clear; I could hear the anger in her voice through Skype) but before he left he said he had to leave someone a message.. The tone he gave off as he said, almost in an awkward way, made me very curious so I decided to check his Facebook (bad I know, but when I'm a concerned GF I had to..) part of me wondered if it was another girl or something. But sure enough I found a Facebook message he sent "3 minutes ago" to a guy that he's hanging out with tomorrow with a bunch of friends saying this:

hey man. so a 750ml bottle of canadian club whiskey and a pack a smokes. if you can cover whatever i didnt give you ill pay you back. i should be in to get my paycheque tonight so if your working ill see you then. peace brother.

Like... he is ACTIVELY getting these cigs when he told me he would try... and it was not even in a stressed environment this is for leisure and I'm so upset at him for this. The thing is I can't even tell him that I read it or he will get really angry at me and break up with me. The only thing I could think of doing is wait for him to say "brb babe I'm gonna get my paycheque at work" and maybe try to get him to admit it or something..? What pisses me off is that he told me last night how he wants me to know that he has been smoking again due to stress yet...
Also what you guys must know is that during our fight (where I stumbled upon him on another situation I'd rather not discuss) his response was "I am not obligated to tell you everything, I'm allowed secrets if I want." And I told him I cannot be in relationship where secrets are kept... I really cannot.
Secrets = Deceit in my eyes and I'm so stressed and confused I just.. I don't know anymore..

Please, somebody guide me.

[Moon]

Listen, you can't force someone to quit smoking, you can ask, but if they don't, and smoking is a deal breaker for you, well...

Smokers who aren't "allowed" to smoke sneak them often, and they won't tell you because they know how you'll react. You have absolutely no idea how hard it is to quit completely, and it usually takes numerous tries before getting it right. You say you're afraid to say anything because he'll break up with you, but if he's smoking and you can't live with that, shouldn't it be the other way around?

Also, it sounds like you're in very different places when it comes to handling the relationship. You want 100% openness, whereas he's happy to keep some things to himself, and neither of those two things are right or wrong, it's just how people are. This is probably more of an issue than smoking, smoking can be changed. Good luck.

[Caitlin2009]

theres a little bit of a double standard here......first off he didnt keep it from you he told you that he was doing that, you went behind his back and read an email that wasent for you there for that in itself is deceitful and you NEED to tell him. secondly as a girlfriend of someone who smokes, yes its annoying but theres not much you can do about it, he will quit when he wants to and you nagging him about it is not gonna help

[Captivated]

I agree with the posts thus far.

My husband used to smoke when we were LDR. He desperately wanted to quit. I supported him but when he fell off the wagon, I made sure not to make him feel bad about it. It was hard...I got irritated many times. But like others have said, HE has got to be the one to want to quit.

[Kanga]

I'll be honest if you knew he was smoking when you started dating and you knew you were not going to be ok with dating a smoker. That's on you, you chose to stay with someone that you didn't agree with their habits. I understand your feelings about you feeling he was being deceitful, so you checked to make sure if he wasn't doing anything behind your back. I'm going to get into the whole you went in his email thing, sometimes if you have instincts you just act on them. Honestly, though if you can't be with someone who's a smoker, then maybe..well it's not the best situation.

If you want to be with him talk to him, about being more open about the situation. See if he wants to quit smoking, if he doesn't, then he doesn't. You don't have to stay.

[ChibiFelicia]

theres a little bit of a double standard here......first off he didnt keep it from you he told you that he was doing that, you went behind his back and read an email that wasent for you there for that in itself is deceitful and you NEED to tell him.

I totally agree with caitlin here. I think you two need a serious conversation regarding level of openness. I had to have this conversation early on with my man. Im totally open and want to be with him, he on the other hand thinks holding back on somethings is ok. Mainly because he doesn't want me to worry over somethings. In the end though he tells me.

Regarding the smoking - both my man and I smoke. I've tried quitting and i've fallen off the wagon so many times! As other posters have said, if he does want to quit you'll have to have a little patience and support him. If he doesnt want to quit and you really dont want to accept that then....well you dont have to stay.

[sewbama]

What bothers me about this (and I HATE smoking -- severe allergies) is that you say you can't have any secrets in the relationship, but you are perfectly ok keeping a secret from him. If going into his messages without his permission would make him break up with you and you did it anyway, you are being deceitful. HE told you he was smoking. He told you he'd try. Either believe him or don't, and if you don't, talk about it. If that doesn't help, deal with it or leave. It's that simple. But the fact that you were so stern with him about secrets, yet you don't mind secrets that protect you is really hypocritical. You have to respect him if you want respect in return.

[Caitlin2009]

What bothers me about this (and I HATE smoking -- severe allergies) is that you say you can't have any secrets in the relationship, but you are perfectly ok keeping a secret from him. If going into his messages without his permission would make him break up with you and you did it anyway, you are being deceitful. HE told you he was smoking. He told you he'd try. Either believe him or don't, and if you don't, talk about it. If that doesn't help, deal with it or leave. It's that simple. But the fact that you were so stern with him about secrets, yet you don't mind secrets that protect you is really hypocritical. You have to respect him if you want respect in return.

[Tawny]

Yeah i know... it's just that he only told me that it was because he was stressing. But now we're are 90% better than before and the person he was talking to about getting him cigs is the person he is going to hang out with at the carnival with his other friends which concerned me that it shows he isn't gonna try to stop... He had such an issue with cigs years ago before we met and he finally stopped for two years then it's happening again. I love him with all my heart and want to help him. And I wasn't nagging him honestly. When eh told me about it I asked him to please try to stop because I worry about his health.. Like I wanna be with this guy forever, I'd rather him not die of lung cancer. He smoked WAY too much back in the day. And thnak you so much for your input

[Tawny]

I agree with the posts thus far.

My husband used to smoke when we were LDR. He desperately wanted to quit. I supported him but when he fell off the wagon, I made sure not to make him feel bad about it. It was hard...I got irritated many times. But like others have said, HE has got to be the one to want to quit.

And I absolutely agree with that, it's he told me he will try but just making other people buy cigs for him just isn't gonna hlep him stop. It seems as though he isn't even going to try. I just feel so bad about this because I even gave him an opportunity a while ago on skype.. I asked him if all he's going to do is drink tomorrow and if there was anything else he can tell me and I'll understand, but his reply was "babe.. oh my god I told you we're only drinking that's it."

[Caitlin2009]

Yeah i know... it's just that he only told me that it was because he was stressing. But now we're are 90% better than before and the person he was talking to about getting him cigs is the person he is going to hang out with at the carnival with his other friends which concerned me that it shows he isn't gonna try to stop... He had such an issue with cigs years ago before we met and he finally stopped for two years then it's happening again. I love him with all my heart and want to help him. And I wasn't nagging him honestly. When eh told me about it I asked him to please try to stop because I worry about his health.. Like I wanna be with this guy forever, I'd rather him not die of lung cancer. He smoked WAY too much back in the day. And thnak you so much for your input

And I absolutely agree with that, it's he told me he will try but just making other people buy cigs for him just isn't gonna hlep him stop. It seems as though he isn't even going to try. I just feel so bad about this because I even gave him an opportunity a while ago on skype.. I asked him if all he's going to do is drink tomorrow and if there was anything else he can tell me and I'll understand, but his reply was "babe.. oh my god I told you we're only drinking that's it."

see all that tells me is that your being a little over bearing and controlling, quit worrying about what he does on his free time, he's a grown adult and if he wants to smoke, drink, do drugs, ect let him!!! you being like this will push him away, i get that your worried about his health but you cant keep a tight leash on him or he'll end up resenting you. and you constantly nagging him will make him smoke more

[Tawny]

I totally agree with caitlin here. I think you two need a serious conversation regarding level of openness. I had to have this conversation early on with my man. Im totally open and want to be with him, he on the other hand thinks holding back on somethings is ok. Mainly because he doesn't want me to worry over somethings. In the end though he tells me.

Regarding the smoking - both my man and I smoke. I've tried quitting and i've fallen off the wagon so many times! As other posters have said, if he does want to quit you'll have to have a little patience and support him. If he doesnt want to quit and you really dont want to accept that then....well you dont have to stay.

I know I don't have to stay it's just too complicated.. I love this guy with all my heart plus more. He used to smoke for a long time before we met and stopped for a good year or so. I'm just worried about his health you know? But thanks for your comment, I'll just wait patiently and hope he tells me something.. And we did have that I spoke to him so many times about being open with each other. Which is why I think I'm going to confess to him that I saw his facebook and the reason why I did it. It's just I've witness him so many times not tell me things and I had to find it out the hard way. That's why this time I could not hold back and look through his facebook. I'm not proud but I'm just a concerned girlfriend. He barely tells me anything anymore so I had no choice but to succumb to facebook..

[Tawny]

see all that tells me is that your being a little over bearing and controlling, quit worrying about what he does on his free time, he's a grown adult and if he wants to smoke, drink, do drugs, ect let him!!! you being like this will push him away, i get that your worried about his health but you cant keep a tight leash on him or he'll end up resenting you. and you constantly nagging him will make him smoke more

You have a point.. I don't intentionally mean to be that way. but I havent even nagged him yet thats the thing. Ive only mentioned this to him twice. Thats why I came to this forum for help before I take a step forward with anything else.

[Caitlin2009]

You have a point.. I don't intentionally mean to be that way. but I havent even nagged him yet thats the thing. Ive only mentioned this to him twice. Thats why I came to this forum for help before I take a step forward with anything else.

well you kinda have, its not direct nagging but if he can read through the lines like i can he knows your kinda doing that, and he knows how you can get with these types of things so im willing to bet you he knows that you kinda are

[Tawny]

well you kinda have, its not direct nagging but if he can read through the lines like i can he knows your kinda doing that, and he knows how you can get with these types of things so im willing to bet you he knows that you kinda are

okay.. thanks for your help. so should I just not mention it him at all then?