Circumstances have changed, now what?

[Kiyama]

Here is our situation: My SO works as a civil servant for the American government. He lived in Germany for 8 years and moved back to the US to the Bay area last September. I'm currently employed as a civil servant in Germany as a student teacher and I have the option of being a teacher in Germany, employed by my state as a civil servant, which means an extremely well paid job with a lot of benefits. A job I love.

So far our plan was that either he moves back to Germany (he doesn't like his current job too much) or I would move to the US for a couple of years but the long term plan was to end up in Germany. For US civil servants abroad there is a rule they cannot stay longer than 7 years at one place but it wasn't really enforced...

... until recently. A lot of people were being sent away. For us this means with him staying with the government jobs (something he wants because of retirenment and all that) he can't live in Germany permanently. If we wanted to stay at one place, it would have to be the US.

This came like a shock to me. For him it's not a big deal. His dad was in the army and they moved around a lot and so has he as an adult.
But I'm not like that. I lived in England for two years and I wouldn't have a problem living in the US for a while but I don't wanna be away from my family and friends in Germany forever. My parents are getting older and I know it would break my dad's heart if I stayed in the US. With his heart attack a few months ago I also feel like I want to be close to them and spend as much time with them as possible, not only twice a year or so. And if we lived in Europe, I don't want to spend my life moving every seven years or so and starting all over all the time. Especially because I was hoping for a career in Germany as a teacher :/

I'm not sure what I'm looking for, if advice is even possible. I just feel down and I know I love my SO with all my heart and I want to be with him but isn't my career also important? I studied for six years for my teaching degree and have been doing the training for 18 months and it'll be all for nothing?

[Honeypie]

Sorry I've got no advice .... you've got a lot of thinking to do ..... {hug}

[Moon]

Well...look at it like this...Don't you think he'll miss his friends and family by moving to Germany permanently? I'm sure his parents aren't getting any younger either, you know? He might be more accustomed to moving, but that doesn't mean he misses his people less. The problem with international LDR's is just this - eventually, somebody's gotta make the move, and leave people they love behind

Your career is very important, as is his, that's the thing. Unless one of you has a dead end job, or no relatives, this is a very tough decision to make, no matter which way it goes. Do you have to make this decision now, or can you re-visit it in a year? A lot can happen in that time, possibly giving you a better perspective into making your choice.

I see people post here all the time about why their partner should be the ones to move, most reasons are exactly the ones you've stated, but this is never as clear-cut as it seems, it can be a heart wrenching choice that you both have to agree on. Good luck.

[Romeo s Juliet]

I think it is a hard choice. It is heart breaking but one or the other person has to make a sacrifice in deciding where to move. it actually cant be called a sacrifice because it should be something you do whole heartedly, not because you are pressured to do so. I think you need to talk with your partner, and decide who is ready to make that sacrifice. I understand that you have family resposibilities etc etc, but they are things no one can stop. or change. they happen. our parents age, and we have to be there for them. But it does not mean we make them our first priority when it comes to taking life long decisions. I dont want to sound selfish, by saying that

for now you both have to have a talk as to what would be done. who knows, rules can change again, what cannot happen in 7 years? alot of hings can happen in 7 years. I suggest you really just think about the present for now, and take it as it comes. why strain about a future yu are not even sure about. so relax. take a deep breath and talk with him as to how yu both end the distance, and who would move back for now. then take it from there
good luck

[Keyk]

This is a big decision for you to make. I know its hard but there will be always someone who has to make sacrifices. I'm not saying that you should give up your career here though. Your career is important like his too. I'm saying that almost everyone has experienced moving. I have experienced it too so many times and I got used to the change. I had to give up my perfect life for my mother but I am happy now, sure I do miss my friends and family but that is why we have facebook and IMs and other online stuff. Sure it will be depressing at first because you don't know anyone if you move but sometimes change can be good too. I'm sure that wherever you and you SO go you will find new people to be friends with. In the end this will be totally up to you. As for your parents, you should talk to them about it first before making a decision. You should to talk to them about both outcomes if you stay or leave. As Moon said maybe you should wait a while before making a decision because circumstances does change. There is also a thing about waiting for the right time. Maybe this isn't the right time for you to move yet? or live together with your SO? Sometimes you will just have to wait and see.

I hope this helped out even just a little bit. I know how hard it is to move away especially in different countries. I had to do the same, but hang in there and good luck! I'm sure that whatever decision you make your SO will respect that. And whatever happens stay positive, change will only work for you if you stay positive about it accepting change will be slow, hard and sometimes painful but have a positive outlook no matter what comes your way.

[EnglishMan]

I guess that's the big disadvantage of a LDR, for it to have the intended happy ending, then one of the couple (or both if you live in a 'neutral' location eventually) has to sacrifice a hell of a lot. It's something that scares me quite a lot; im so in love with my girl and want to have our life together, but leaving a family that im really close to would be so so hard.

The way I see it, is life is all about providing yourself with the situation that makes you happy. Obviously we can't all be happy 100% of the time, but I figure your long term plan for life should be one that's going to make you happy. With your career, I guess it depends how much you value it. For me, work is a necessity (which can be enjoyed, but practically no family can avoid having to work) and isn't something that my pursuit of happiness rests upon. There's obviously careers that I would enjoy and careers that would be downright crappy, but Im not so bothered. Where I want to be in 20 years isn't with some hugely paid executive job that I happen to like (well yeah I would love that actually ); I picture my future with my girl and our lovely children.

I guess it comes down to what you value the most. Of course it would suck having put all of that work into teaching, but it's still a life experience regardless. And it's not like moving would permanently get rid of that path, there's always the possibility of going through the training process in a different country to get the same job there (well I presume so, but I guess one you've gained the clearance to work then there's not much stopping you from doing the teacher training over there?). Of course it would seem like a step back doing the process again, but the difference would be that you're doing that while also sharing your life with your SO.

As Moon says, it's not clear-cut, im sure all of the above seems like me imploring you to move to the US lol, but its not im just throwing things out there. Closing the distance is going to consist of a lot of sacrifices and it's difficult to make them. I really sympathise when you say about your family, as im really really close to mine and moving so far away is a scary thought to say the least. I presume you've talked to your SO about this? I wouldn't much want to have to move country every 7 years either, but as Moon says a year is a long time let alone 7. I think you're just going to have to discuss this with your SO in great detail and find the solution that will both make you happy.

[Caitlin2009]

hmm thats a toughie, well many things can change over the next few months/years. i say just go with the flow and wherever it takes you thats whats meant to happen

[lucybelle]

I see people post here all the time about why their partner should be the ones to move, most reasons are exactly the ones you've stated, but this is never as clear-cut as it seems, it can be a heart wrenching choice that you both have to agree on. Good luck.

Agree with moon. As always, someone will have to move. The person who moves is going to miss their family, their friends, their homeland. But for an LDR to become a CDR, someone's gotta make the sacrifice.

I think you might warm up to the idea of moving away eventually. At first my SO told me he never wanted to live outside his home country again. It made me sad, but I knew being with him was more important than being in my home country. So I moved, with the intention of staying permanently. But now, he's changed his mind. He wants to live in the USA, and I've actually warmed up to the idea of living in Costa Rica! Go figure

I think it's really important that both parties are willing to make those sacrifices for the other. Most of the LDRs that have become CDRs have both partners willing to move.

[Kiyama]

Thank you all for your replies. Lfad never fails to amaze me and to give me a different perspective on things.

Well...look at it like this...Don't you think he'll miss his friends and family by moving to Germany permanently? I'm sure his parents aren't getting any younger either, you know? He might be more accustomed to moving, but that doesn't mean he misses his people less. The problem with international LDR's is just this - eventually, somebody's gotta make the move, and leave people they love behind

That's true. However, he hasn't lived close to his parents for about 15 years now. Even now that he lives in the US, he is still far away. I'm not trying to to say that this gives me the right to say we should live closer to my family. I see what you are trying to tell me and you're also right that a lot can happen in a year or even in seven years or whenever. I think it's part of the German culture that I'd like to plan everything in ahead and know exactly where I'm going. I've discussed this with a friend earlier who also said it's a German thing to do. Life happens and changes plans but sometimes I'm too stuck in the way I grew up to see that. So thank you Moon

I understand that you have family resposibilities etc etc, but they are things no one can stop. or change. they happen. our parents age, and we have to be there for them. But it does not mean we make them our first priority when it comes to taking life long decisions. I dont want to sound selfish, by saying that

I kind of agree. I know I can't live my life the way that is best for my parents or what my parents would like for me. I need to make my own decisions but it's hard for me sometimes. And thanks for your advice to take a deep breath. It's definitely something I needed to hear!

There is also a thing about waiting for the right time. Maybe this isn't the right time for you to move yet? or live together with your SO? Sometimes you will just have to wait and see.

The best time for me to move, if I do so, would be in a year from now. I finish my training in 11 months. If I don't move then and I get employed as a civil servant teacher, I'm bound to the school for three years. So it's difficult for me just to sit around and do nothing. The time for decisions is rather sooner than later.

I guess it comes down to what you value the most. Of course it would suck having put all of that work into teaching, but it's still a life experience regardless. And it's not like moving would permanently get rid of that path, there's always the possibility of going through the training process in a different country to get the same job there (well I presume so, but I guess one you've gained the clearance to work then there's not much stopping you from doing the teacher training over there?). Of course it would seem like a step back doing the process again, but the difference would be that you're doing that while also sharing your life with your SO.

You are right about the teaching and there are private schools, even German schools I could apply to as a teacher in the US. It's just not easy to give up a career plan I've had for the past 8 years or so. I really want to teach but in the US I'd never make the money I would make in Germany. Then of course I'd be with my SO, which is way more important than money. However, I like to be financially independent and if I lived in the US, I know my SO would be the one paying more than me. That's something I'd need to get used to.

I think you might warm up to the idea of moving away eventually. At first my SO told me he never wanted to live outside his home country again. It made me sad, but I knew being with him was more important than being in my home country. So I moved, with the intention of staying permanently. But now, he's changed his mind. He wants to live in the USA, and I've actually warmed up to the idea of living in Costa Rica! Go figure

Lucybelle, that gives me hope Maybe it's the thought now that is so daunting because living in the US forever has never been an option until very recently.
And I agree that both parties should be willing to move. It's important but at then end, yes, someone will have to make a sacrifice.

[Snowlilly]

A friend of mine married a girl from France who was a school teacher. She did give up her life to move to the US. As far as teaching goes, there is a shortage of teachers in most states and you should have no problem getting a job once you transfer your credentials. I know she has had no issues finding jobs as a teacher. She was also very close to her parents but the nice thing about teacher in the US is, they are off 3 months in the summer and she goes and stays with her parents in France every summer for that time. Her mom also comes over and stays for several months as well at times. It is always hard to give up what we know. It is scary to move across the continent. I had to move from Germany when I was 12 with my parents and start school in the US without even speaking English. My dad is American and he lived in Germany until that time with my Mom but wanted to return to the US. So my mother of course moved with him leaving her parents behind. So eventhough you may not see them as often, you can always see them at least once a year and stay the summers there.

My best friend is also german and her parents still live in Germany. They are currently here for the summer. They take turns visiting. Every other year they come and stay for 3 months

So, there are options....

[Rugger]

A friend of mine married a girl from France who was a school teacher. She did give up her life to move to the US. As far as teaching goes, there is a shortage of teachers in most states and you should have no problem getting a job once you transfer your credentials. I know she has had no issues finding jobs as a teacher. She was also very close to her parents but the nice thing about teacher in the US is, they are off 3 months in the summer and she goes and stays with her parents in France every summer for that time. .

I don't know where in the US you are from, but on the east coast, there are NO jobs for teachers. Majority of my friends are teachers, and out of about 20 or so, 2 have been able to find jobs and they've had to move several states inward to find jobs. The US job market is NOT a kind one right now, anywhere.

OP, I'm sorry you've had to go through this. Most of us on this board have or will when we close the distance. My boyfriend and I had this same fight a couple of months ago. We decided that whoever got a "real" job first, the other would move. He got the job first, but decided he didn't want to stay there. I got my real job a month ago and now he's moving to me. We end our distance Sunday.

Keeo your head up and talk to him about it. Keep in mind that both of you are important.

[Jayburr]

I don't know where in the US you are from, but on the east coast, there are NO jobs for teachers. Majority of my friends are teachers, and out of about 20 or so, 2 have been able to find jobs and they've had to move several states inward to find jobs. The US job market is NOT a kind one right now, anywhere.

Ditto to that...west coast isn't any better. It probably doesn't help that California has a sh!t debt-ridden economy at the moment and education has had a lot of funding cut, but the reality is that it will probably be very difficult to get a STABLE teaching job. You might get hired somewhere right away because you're new and they can pay you less than a more experienced teacher, but the odds of keeping you on for very long aren't good. A common trend has been to keep teachers on just long enough before they become tenured and then dump them. Not a very friendly market at all right now.

[Moon]

I don't know where in the US you are from, but on the east coast, there are NO jobs for teachers. Majority of my friends are teachers, and out of about 20 or so, 2 have been able to find jobs and they've had to move several states inward to find jobs. The US job market is NOT a kind one right now, anywhere.

OP, I'm sorry you've had to go through this. Most of us on this board have or will when we close the distance. My boyfriend and I had this same fight a couple of months ago. We decided that whoever got a "real" job first, the other would move. He got the job first, but decided he didn't want to stay there. I got my real job a month ago and now he's moving to me. We end our distance Sunday.

Keeo your head up and talk to him about it. Keep in mind that both of you are important.

Ditto to that...west coast isn't any better. It probably doesn't help that California has a sh!t debt-ridden economy at the moment and education has had a lot of funding cut, but the reality is that it will probably be very difficult to get a STABLE teaching job. You might get hired somewhere right away because you're new and they can pay you less than a more experienced teacher, but the odds of keeping you on for very long aren't good. A common trend has been to keep teachers on just long enough before they become tenured and then dump them. Not a very friendly market at all right now.

The above two posters are correct, unless you can teach high school math or science, you will have a very, very difficult time finding a teaching job in the US. You'll be subbing for years, with all the other recent grads. Sorry about that, but I don't want you going into this misinformed. Good luck.

[Snowlilly]

Oh wow......didn't realise it was that bad everywhere else because here in Alaska we have such a shortage! Good thing to have so many peeps from different areas on this board.

[Kiyama]

Thanks for all the information. I know it won't be easy but the situation in my state in Germany isn't good either right now. Our birth rates are miserably low so not many teachers needed but too many graduates :/ if you're flexible, you will find something somewhere but if my SO moves over here, that won't be the case.