Threefer? Friend Snark, Dance Dilemma, and the Evils of Cosmo. Advice appreciated!

[Lunar Snow]

I really need to vent and hopefully have some sanity and kindness sent my way by you great forum members...so, there are actually three topics in here. It seemed logical to me to have them all part of one thread, instead of posting several different ones at once...I hope you don't mind.

1. Maybe I was just in a grumpy mood today, but I feel like the chat with the SO did not go well and made me feel even grumpier. I could be being over-sensitive, but since he and I talk almost every night, I am pretty aware of subtle (although weird/annoying/whosamawhatsit) changes from the norm. It seems like almost every time that he hangs out with his friends, he becomes more snarky and antagonistic and I get some sarcasm/ you're not part of the club-ness dished my way. I didn't know he had gone to play tennis with a friend until much later in the conversation today, either. I tried to remain pretty positive throughout the convo, but he set off my fuse when he said "So, did anything exciting and amazing happen to you today?"...after I had already told him about some of the things that happened to me today (I know that is probably just a friendly way of asking me to tell some of the other things that happened, perhaps...but it wasn't really a good follow-up when I had already told him a few of the day's occurances and I have already hinted to him that I would prefer he ask me in a different way). However, I swallowed my pride and figured he might have been feeling the general daily grind, so I talked about everything from the unusual earthquake in Ontario to the 10-hour, record-setting tennis match at Wimbledon. It helped, but he was still kind of snarky. The second thing that really ticked me off (which eventually led to the point of "accidently" turning off my phone and just heading to type to him periodically on Skype--really mature, I know) was when he talked about the tennis with his friend. He told me a bit about it, and also said that she was interested in meeting me when I come to visit him, but then carried on about how she also asked him to meet her new guy, too. There was just a short blip about me and then he went on and on about how the previous guy was and that he is recently way off in Africa and so far away that he could do no harm (excuse me, but don't we have a long-distance relationship? Shouldn't you elaborate on why he is "evil" and could do "harm," because it seems like there are a lot of "evil" exes in your club of friends and I don't want to be one of them) and that she was seeing this new guy and that he is amazingly tall and smart and how odd it was that he is so tall and smart, etc. (I joked that there must be something in the water and said how Isner was 6'5" and looked like he might pass out like a great tree falling on the tennis court today to change the subject, and he barely laughed at all, like he usually would,...just continued on about that guy and was very preoccupied). I was left with one of two impressions--either they were trying to one-up each other in the awesomeness of their partners and I lost out (seriously?) or he kind of digs her and feels insecure about Mr. Newguy being so amazing. Either way, I lose. (Okay, and yeah...a little jealous of tennis girl, anyway. 1) she gets to spend time with him, doing something we could never do on webcam (and which I would likely want to try with him, but would be too spazzy to do without him being embarassed by me) 2) she is decent at tennis 3) paranoid, I know...but many studies suggest that activities which get the heart rate going are great for dates, because they give men that rush of energy that is similar to first falling in like/lust/love with someone...and that many men feel a particular need to be a wild stallion and have flings in the summer...okay, my scientific mind can also poke some holes in those studies, but right now I am lobbying for a dislike of tennis girl). Do you think I should follow this up with him? Does anyone else's SO get kind of snarky towards them after hanging out with CD friends?

2. Okay, this has been eating at me for some time. In sum, I love to dance and I have done all sorts of dancing since I was pretty little--dancing is a huge part of my life. Ballroom dance is a recent activity, which I started in the last 2 or 3 years. My SO knows how much I love to dance, too. There are some other concerns with this topic, but I will leave them for another time. Anyway, last fall (when we were unofficial and things between us were hot or ice cold...well, more how he was behaving toward me than a mutal thing) he would (once or twice a week) abruptly (as in cut any conversation we had short and be even a little rude) take off for a (credit, evening) ballroom dance class at his university (this was his second year) with a female friend (he claimed he wasn't dating anyone at the time, but definitely wanted to be on-time to pick her up and scheduled extra practices with). That class ended by Christmas and through that time he would talk generally about the sorts of dances they were learning, music used, and tests they ("they," meaning the class) were taking, but always seemed a little evasive on the specifics. I have expressed to him numerous times how much I like that he has learned some dancing, that ballroom dancing would be perfect for us to try together because we both have about the same experience level, and how I really, really, really want to dance with him. Even when he visited, I tried to get him into a ballroom hold and do a little dance for fun in my tiny dorm room (it seemed suitable since we were both just having fun, laughing, and in a silly mood anyway). He did the hold correctly, but stood still and glowered at me (definite switch in mood). I tried to move us and said, abashed "well, I don't know how to lead," hoping he would take the hint...and he just changed the subject and wouldn't dance! Then, now that we are serious and committed and have been a couple for a few months now and he is trying his best to be super boyfriend, I mention dancing together from time to time and he changes the subject (either completely, or says that he likes the way I move, etc....and then changes the subject onto something more...er...yeah). Either...he can't really dance (which I know isn't true, because I had him demo a waltz for me on webcam way back when and he did the hold right in person, etc.), he feels a little intimidated by how long I have danced for (but I have been clear that I have around the same experience or maybe even less with ballroom as he has), or there is something that went on with the class that he doesn't want me to probe about. Help! I really want to dance with him as something fun to bond with. I feel like I am jumping to conclusions about the dance class, but he is truly being weird about it, which has me curious about what was happening (I don't think it is delving into his past, when he and I were involved at the time) and also kind of blue (I want to dance with my boyfriend!). Any ideas for asking him about the weirdness? Currently, I just want to be like "BLARGHHH! Hey, you...why on Earth do you get so strange and change the subject when we talk about dancing together? What happened at that dance class in the fall that you won't tell me about? Why does it seem like you won't dance with me? P.S., you have ten seconds to bring me a chocolate chip cookies before I go volcanic rage blackout on you."

3. I seriously have to stop reading magazines like Cosmo. They are absolute confidence-sapping, healthy relationship-robbing rubbish. I would occasionally look at them to have a giggle at some of the silly stuff and read the articles without ever taking anything too seriously. One way or another, though, I have had a bunch fobbed off on me recently (roommates leaving, recycling exchange, etc.) and they are becoming poisonous. My main rant is when they interview guys and have a biased selection of comments. Basically (and I will try and keep this as PG as I can and I hope it will be okay), I am having most trouble with an interview they did asking "most guys" if they thought about their girlfriend/wife during er..."the act" (or variations, thereof). Then, they had all the quotes of the guys claiming that after a couple months (or less), they always plaster the faces of other women on their SOs or think about other adventures they had with other women. That a guy who closes his eyes is thinking about someone else. Are you kidding me!?! Even though I am a jealous, little soul, I grant that we are human and thoughts can slip into our minds sometimes, though it doesn't turn my crank to hear about those thoughts. However, if this is an all or most of the time and across the board thing, it is pretty disheartening. I know this might be opening a can of worms on different viewpoints, but I would be interested in what others have to say. For me, it makes me feel like giving up on love and relationships if it is true. I know (and again, this is just for me...I'm not telling others how to think) that if I am kissing (or what have you) a boyfriend, 99.9% of the time I am thinking about him (unless I have other stressful things going on, etc. and those aren't other guys anyway...more like messy dishes, homework, if my butt looks big in this dress, etc.)...and if thoughts of other men or exes come into mind, it actually grosses me out and turns me off. I don't think any good could come of asking my SO what he thinks about it...I think it would just make me feel insecure. Thoughts?

You are a miraculous person for reading my rant. I hope that you will demonstrate your fantabulousness publically by leaving a comment to some (or all) of my rant.

[Swederica]

1. That sounds really strange. I can't really get the point in talking to you of all people on how amazing his friends boyfriend are? Do he want you to fall in love with that guy or?
I just don't plain out get that part.
But i do understand that you feel jealous. Not very long ago i had an incident with my SO when she started hanging out with a guy that she knew liked her, but she wouldn't tell him she got a boyfriend cuz she didn't want to hurt him.
Ofc she ended up destroying their whole friendship when she finally told him.

I've always been a follower of the talk-to-your-SO-about-it policy.
So that's personally what I would do. Tell him how you feel.

2. the feeling i get is that he's nervous about it. Or in that general direction.
That sounds a bit similar of how i try to get out talking about stuff i'm uncomfortable with.
A bit like when my SO talks about how we can run together, she loves to run and i'm running now and then, which i'm not particularly keen on since it would be embarrassing when i'd have to stop every kilometer to get in some air haha.
Once again i think, to be sure, you should talk to him about it. In a friendly way, not like aggressively and mad haha.

3. Hmm. Well many guys are jerks. That is a fact.
Personally i can't really say, since i've never really tried the act yet so to speak.
But i can' imagine myself thinking of someone else than my beautiful girlfriend, in any situation
So for me i doubt it's true, but on the other hand i try atleast to not be like other guys.

[Tanja]

I DID read through it all but now I don't remember what I was gonna say

You need to talk to him about all of this, he can not change his behaviour/reactions if he doesn't know how you feel when he does certain things. Talk talk and talk, that's my advice on most things and it often works lol.

ps stop reading Cosmo

[LadyMarchHare]

1. I've actually never had my SO act that way after being with friends. The only time he acted different after being with one was when his drunk gay friend came over and tried getting in his pants. He was livid. Do you talk to any of his friends? It seems unusual to reach a high sarcasm level like that with anyone after being around friends unless it's someone you don't like which, obviously, he likes you. And I can understand the, excuse my language, 'pissing contest' between him and the girl. It happens with my best friend and I over various subjects and it's almost subconscious. That aside, I'd tell him bluntly to tone it down the next time. Plenty of guys don't take hints well, or at all even, so you're better off dropping a bomb in terms of telling him to stop than leaving breadcrumbs.

2. I agree with swederica. Embarrassing points tend to be heavily avoided even if they did it for you or it's something you two share. As for the lesson, unless you feel major bad vibes off it, I'd let it be.

3. Cosmo, Redbook, Seventeen, and any other magazine tailored for women/teenage girls are designed to make us feel bad in terms of our appearances, our lives, our clothes, and our relationships. You're nothing if you don't have even designer LIPGLOSS, own shoes that cost more than the rest of your outfit, and know all these insane, and often dangerous, sex positions to "please your man." They aren't there to help, it's monthly belittling and sexism. (sorry, I've read a few over the years and learned the pattern) The guys they interview for these things are either made up, or jerks with nice hair they find off the street. You'll notice sometimes there's a balance between the "good" and "bad" comments. I'm not saying that whole face-over-your-spouse's thing doesn't happen, but it doesn't ALWAYS happen. You can't stop 'em, so all you can do is make sure you're doing everything you want to do, or can do whatever floats your boat here, to ensure they want YOU and not some supermodel they saw on a magazine cover. Most guys are not that shallow, though. And if it bothers you about the possibility of it happening with your SO, bring it up with him. Not in the "would you ever think about someone else while we made love" sort of way. More the "so I read in x magazine about these guys saying they think of other girls when they're with their girlfriends. Kinda silly, don't you think?" And see what his response is.

[Swederica]

Haha. I understand that Tanja. For that reason i decided to write down answer for one point at a time

[Belle]

1. My SO never really talks about his friends that much.i dont really know much about them except when he complains about them being unreliable or jerks about our relationship. I think i would be put off if he suddenly decided to tell me about his friend's bf/gf. It sounds pretty odd that he went on to give you so much unneeded information. I would be on an anti-tennis girl rant too so i think you should talk to him about it.
2. The same goes for the dancing issue. You wont really know why he is avoiding the subject until you ask. It may be that he feels embarrassed about not dancing as well as you or maybe he didnt enjoy it as much as he led on. As a dancer, he might have just tried to impress you, idk.
3. LOL, you definitely need to stop reading those magazines if you are taking them too seriously. I dont know what they are meant for but i know for sure that without a good self esteem, they crush you. Its ridiculous all the stuff they come up with. Although it might be true that sometimes a guy's mind might wander off, i doubt it happens as often as the magazine said, or just to men for that matter.

[MadMolly]

Sometimes I imagine a certain celebrity when I am with my guy, but... heh. I don't think it's a big deal.

[Lunar Snow]

Hello, thanks for all the comments. I found them really helpful and, also, it was pretty fun reading some of your responses, too (seriously read through them a few times...I'm a nerd, I know). This forum really does a great job of building a sense of community--just thought I would give you all props. (...and even if you read the posts, but didn't respond, I hope that some of the discussion might have been useful to you, too).

What is my progress on the first two points? Well...we had a long talk today, but it was just so-so and general (he was tired and unwinding from work stresses and I was in really blah mood)...so, I totally flaked out and didn't bring the troubles up! What's worse, is that I slipped in comments about tennis (the results of the Wimbledon match) and dance (the results for So You Think You Can Dance) to make a smooth transition to my concerns, but when the time came to "casually" bring up my concerns...I failed! I even hinted that I had difficulty sleeping last night because some troubling things were on my mind. He DID ask what they were, but I pulled a him and gave a long pause, then changed the subject. :s ...and, okay, it didn't help that my Mom plonked herself on the couch to watch TV in the middle of our conversation...and when I went up to my room for some privacy, my Dad came up after awhile and knocked on my door (and opened it without waiting for my response), telling me that they were going to bed and to turn off the lights and my computer that I had left on. I kind of feel like writing an email about it to him, but as far as the tennis goes, I think anything but casually bringing it into the conversation would sound confrontational. Sigh! What's a girl to do?

As a related aside, I should also mention that he didn't take the ballroom class for me. He had taken the beginner part the year before (when we hadn't met) and was following it up with the intermediate class. I would really like to think that he did it for me (and without me writing a thesis like last time), but I am fairly certain that it was for other reasons.

LadyMarchHare: No, I haven't really talked to any of his friends. I kind of just wish he would promote that a little more. He seems to think it would be really weird unless we had met in-person (but a little "hi," "can't wait to meet you/ ___ seems really happy now that you two are dating," "Bye for now " would make me feel really good, especially since he has met some of my close friends and I have offered for them to talk from time to time, too). The only time it ever happened was when we updated our relationship status on Facebook and a woman on his friendlist messaged me and added me pretty soon after. I thought she was nice at first, but kind of weird/ probing too much and it turned into this big debacle (where HE asked me to delete her from my friendlist...and he ended up doing the same) because she was his "evil/crazy" ex from awhile back (boy, did it feel even worse, because I found out from her that she dated him, just after I was suggesting that I would enjoy having an insider to help make suggestions on the birthday gift I was thinking of for him)! Okay, that's making him sound kind of rotten maybe, but she is now married and has two kids and really has some stalkerish behaviour going on with him or any of his female friends, when she should be focusing on her own family. Unfortunately, this all also happened pretty soon after he returned home from visiting me for the first time and our official relationship was just getting off the ground, so it was rather problematic for a time. So...I don't know if I will get that option of talking to them. He seems very protective of his friends and kind of turned on me once when I commented that one of them was superficial/bratty (she had basically slighted our relationship and changed the topic to when they would be going to a concert together, just after he had first told her that we were seeing each other seriously. He didn't take any afront at the time, but I certainly did and I festered about it, which made it turn into a big row when I finally did bring it up. Coincidently, this is the same girl I am suspicious of being his partner for the dance class...hmmmn...). Or, when I was recently trying to help him see my perspective on something I was upset about, I asked him what advice he would give to one of of his best female friends if her boyfriend did something similar. Instead of giving the advice, he paused forever and said something like "sympathy and empathy for friends is very different from being in the sitation myself." Grrr...okay, now I am getting really annoyed with him...we've talked through some of this stuff and he is growing and our relationship is growing, but maybe you guys can see why I am being such a nut about some of these issues.

Cosmo and those magazines should mess off. Maybe we could make a giant pile of them into a cap for the BP oil spill...except that probably wouldn't work, either. So, I think we should still gather them all and they should be recycled into textbooks and inspirational novels.

[LadyMarchHare]

I think writing it out when you're in a clear state of mind is a good idea. Even if you don't send it in an email, you still have it in a word document to prompt you during an IM convo or skype/phone. I've done it before when something's bothering me and I tend to waffle when I have the opportunity to say something or I word it all wrong because I'm nervous. Doesn't matter how you get it out, as long as you do and you've made it clear it's how you feel without trying to sound overbearing, which can be hard if the subject is very touchy or personal. So yeah, I'd totally go for the writing idea!

I had a similar situation happen with my SO, but it began before we were dating. He introduced his best friend to me (a girl) and we three were pretty chummy. Unfortunately she liked him a LOT and was very clingy/needy and tended to stalk him on sites. Long story short after a month of her knowing we were dating she blew up in his face, physically threatened me, and has become a psycho 'ex' of sorts. My best friend hasn't met him but she flops between liking him and thinking he's a rapist. But anyway, the bad instances aside (and really you're going to have them LD or CD) I think it's a good thing you at least know his friends casually through passing FB convos or whatever just as he could know yours. It doesn't hurt and it's like being a little more integrated into their lives.