From "normal" to LDR - looking for some words of wisdom!

[EllieGirl77]

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years and living together for 2. We have a great relationship, love spending time together, and eventually would like to get married and have kids but not anytime soon

Recently I decided I wanted to go back to school for my masters and got a great opportunity to study in London for a year. He has been extremely supportive through the entire process, but at the same time it has been very difficult for the last several months the closer and closer my travel date comes.

Not going isn't an option - I have my apartment, my tuition paid, and my flight booked. He doesn't want me to miss out on this great opportunity either, but lately he has been saying how afraid and worried he is that this year apart will be very damaging to our relationship. He is worried we will grow apart and essentially "ruin" a great future together because we'll be apart. I don't know what to do with this. While I'm scared too, I certainly don't believe some time apart will ruin our chances of a happy future!

He travels a lot for work, and oftentimes we will go 3, 4 or 5 weeks without seeing each other - so I feel that a year apart won't be the end of the world. We will probably be able to see each other for about a week every 8-10 weeks, which I think it a fair amount of time given the circumstances. I really think this year apart will be great for me personally and professionally, and I think it will help to solidify how we feel about each other - is it wrong of me to kind of see it this way?

We are both awful on the phone, terrible. Usually when he travels we Skype once a week while he's gone and talk on the phone every 2-3 days, then text throughout the day every day. I told him I'd like to keep that type of routine when I'm in London, but he's panicked saying that it will "suck" and be "very difficult" and just doesn't know how he's going to handle it.

He isn't sentimental, or romantic, so he doesn't like "cheesy", "cutesy" things like care packages and mix CDs. His big thing is spending quality time together which is obviously going to be difficult. Does anyone have any advice on how I can be supportive and re-assuring while we're a country, not to mention a 9-hour time difference, apart? And any words of wisdom to help me not freak out and worry about what could go wrong in the next year? I keep telling myself it's only a year, and we've already discussed how I'll be moving back home with him once school's over - but I'm also pretty scared that this decision may negatively affect our relationship but I'm sincerely trying to be optimistic, where as he is being "realistic" according to him.... it's a little stressful, any help would be amazing!

[Jayburr]

Honestly, I think you both have realistic concerns, but I think I'm more on your side. It's only a year, and you'll be investing that year into something that will potentially provide a better future for yourself, and him as well. If you plan to be together forever, a single year isn't going to kill him. You're going to be doing something that will help to provide a stable, comfortable, happy future for the rest of your lives...isn't a year investment into that worth the temporary separation? I think so. Without a doubt.

[Jessipoo]

Be super clear about communication expectations, if you don't hear from him for xyz reason, don't get frantic even if it's unusual. Could be something like reception..

my close distance turned LDR failed due to many things but if both people are willing to put in the work, be patient, be clear, be as supportive as you can be and always be there for one another, especially when it gets emotionally rough, it should work. It will be hard, and you have to tell him that you may have weak moments, especially at the beginning, you may get jealous of his new life without you, but it is normal. If he is understanding and loving, he will be there for you and you will be there for him.

[Kiyama]

He doesn't want me to miss out on this great opportunity either, but lately he has been saying how afraid and worried he is that this year apart will be very damaging to our relationship. He is worried we will grow apart and essentially "ruin" a great future together because we'll be apart. I don't know what to do with this. While I'm scared too, I certainly don't believe some time apart will ruin our chances of a happy future!

That sounds just like me when my SO moved back to the US
The concerns are legitimate but with communication on both sides you'll be able to get through. It is only a year and I strongly believe that if a relationship is meant to be, it can survive a long distance. Regular chats even with a nine hour time difference are possible, even though I agree that it can be difficult. As long a you're both happy with the amount of talk time, I can't see a problem with not talking every day. Quite the contrary, it might give you even more to talk about.

I would like to add one thing and that is that I can see why it is more difficult for him than for you. You are the one going on a great adventure. A year of excitement, lots of new experiences and friends while he will be stuck in your old life- just without you. He is the one left behind and he'll have to face the loneliness of his normal life. That's tough so I can imagine he is a little insecure as well and the fact that he thinks about it so much shows how much he cares.
I'm sure you can work it out.

[Jessipoo]

I would like to add one thing and that is that I can see why it is more difficult for him than for you. You are the one going on a great adventure. A year of excitement, lots of new experiences and friends while he will be stuck in your old life- just without you. He is the one left behind and he'll have to face the loneliness of his normal life. That's tough so I can imagine he is a little insecure as well and the fact that he thinks about it so much shows how much he cares.
I'm sure you can work it out.

True. Be understanding that he may get jealous of your new life, feel insecure or left out.. abandoned. Always find a way to make him feel included and share as much as you can with him. It's ok to be excited with this new life but also stay excited about you guys.

[flugelhorn]

Be super clear about communication expectations, if you don't hear from him for xyz reason, don't get frantic even if it's unusual. Could be something like reception..

To add to this I would say have a mutual agreement about how often & by which means you will communicate. My SO & I email every day & Skype once a week. Maybe you want more, maybe you want less.

If you want to keep texting throughout the day it might be worthwhile to do that over Skype or some other app that allows free texting (if you both have smartphones). One of my friends recently became addicted to this app called HeyTell where you can leave walkie talkie-like messages to each other. I thought it was fun.

I agree with you & Jayburr - it's only & year. You know when the distance will be over, so I think it's manageable. I also agree with those above me, that you get to go off on the adventure while he stays back. I say plan at least one trip, not too soon into when you arrive, to show him your new life & around the city... since London is AMAZING! (I'm moving back in October to close the distance with my SO & I can't wait!)

[Rebecka]

I have kind of the same situation!
We were together for eight months in the same city, but now I have moved to the US for one year to be an au pair. That means 9 hours time difference!
But he was very supportive and understood that I have to go since it is my big dream here in life. I really think that we will make, but of course it will be hard.
But I use think like this
Situations:
1. you brake up and donīt become together again when you come home again (probably wouldnīt have made it more then a couple of years close distance then because it wasnīt the distance that broke it)
2. you brake up and meet when you come home again (the distance was to hard for you, but you still love eachother. Sure you had a couple of rough months there then, but probably worth it)
3. You make it (PERFECT)

I just decided I have to go because it is my big dream and I would be so mad if I stayed home and we broke up a couple of years later. Then it is to late for me to do this!
Me and my boyfriend will probably not even be able to meet eachother even once during this year, so meeting every 8-10 months seems really good especially if you are use to being apart from eachother.

I say go for it!! but of course you have to decide one your one what you want to do But remember that what other people also have said, itīs harder for him becuase he is the one who becomes left behind. So you really have to be nice to him and try to understand what he is going through because of this.

[EllieGirl77]

Thanks so much for all of the advice everyone!!! He is really trying to be supportive throughout this, and I am going to try and just be as supportive and listen to him and be patient. I don't want to downplay his feelings, because they are legitimate. He isn't into "romance" but I put together an entertainment box for him that has gift cards for iTunes and the bookstore and the movies, and some car models to put together, so when he's bored or lonely he can pop open the box and do something fun

I guess I didn't think about it from the perspective that I was going off to do this amazing thing and essentially he was "stuck" here in our regular life. I think he's really afraid I will change a lot in the next year, and admittedly I will - part of this is about learning who I am. I'm only 26 and he's 30, so I am right in that "what do I want out of life" phase He knows that's important for me, and honestly I probably couldn't do this and would never have thought of doing it if it wasn't for his support. I think we'll make it one way or another, it's just going to suck

We've had really good conversations about our communication expectations and just relationship expectations while we are apart, we are really open about talking things out so I think that's going to go a long way to help the next year. And I am really decided on keeping him involved in my life, even though I'm out doing this for me I want to share this with him too - so pictures, letters, everything to help him feel like he knows whats up with me and what I'm experiencing will be a priority

[11MikesGirl21]

Are you sure you're not me and my SO? We have the same basic story. It just takes talking. ALOT of talking. And you seem to have a pretty good plan in place. My SO and I are still working through some kinks. But I think we're going strong. We're both in for the long haul.

[Kristin91]

First, since you both know it's just for a year I think that might make it easier on you two. Most LD couples have a seemingly infinite amount of time before they can close the distance, which can be hard to bear at times. However, since you do know that it's just a year you can count down together.

Secondly, you mentioned neither of you are big phone talkers anything like that. I think you're going to have to make some sacrifices. Skype is free for video calls no matter where you're calling to or from (as you probably know), so they're great for LDRs. As for him saying it will "suck", tell him there are ways you can make skype dates interesting. Watch a movie together, play an online game (virtual world or even something like monopoly). You don't have to sit and stare at each other the whole time. I think you'll actually find a lot of couples that do more than just talk when they're on skype together.

Third, if you and your SO are as committed to each other as your post lets on then the distance won't change how you feel. If you love them you love them. Have faith in each other and your love for each other. Know that the distance can't come between you.

And lastly (and this one is my honest opinion), tell him everything. Email, text, IM, Skype, share an online journal, write letters, etc. Sometimes things are very difficult to share, but it forms a stronger bond between couples. I think this is why many LDR's are success stories because we have to form a bond over something besides the physical stuff.

Good luck!