Visiting SO and jealous friend

[HeartInTexas]

I'm not positive where to start, but here goes nothing.

So, I have a close friend named Ellie, and she lives only a half hour away from my SO, Luke. Well, let's dive back to about May of this year before I went to visit my SO for the first time. I had plans set with my SO to meet him for the first time and see if we liked each other in person. This was very important to me since it was going to decide if we really wanted to date or not. A couple days before my trip there, my friend Ellie threw this huge fit at me.

Basically, she was jealous that I would go meet my SO I've known for 3-4 yrs, but I would not go on a trip special just for her after knowing her for about 8-9yrs (I've never met Ellie in person, by the way). Although I find it to be ridiculous because she's been in an LDR for 6 yrs now so I thought she'd understand (Although she never met her SO in person before, maybe she's also jealous that I was able to see mine?). Well, we made up and I told her I would go see her for Christmas, but I was still going to see my SO during that trip too, because I promised winter break to him as well.

When I finally got to Texas to meet my SO, I spent about 9 days there. I tried several times to make plans with Ellie and invited her to the anime convention my SO and I were going to for the weekend. She kept flaking and saying she didn't have money or that her dad hurt himself doing something. She basically kept doing that the entire time I was there. So now I kind of feel like..."Wow, you live 30min away from this place and won't hang out with me? But then you want me to make a trip just for you?"

Lately she has been very flaky online too. I got Terraria specifically to play with her about two months ago. At first we didn't play because she needed to get servers set up. But now that servers are set up, she only plays it with her SO or random guys she met on the 360. In fact, that's all she's been doing lately. But I know if I bring this up to her, she will magically have a great reason for it. One of mine and Ellie's other friend said it's escapism and playing games with me doesn't help her escape as well. And I can't play anything with Ellie and her SO because he hates me (I swear he's on his man period 24/7).

So by the way, she has an abusive dad, so she says. She's shown me photos of blood on the floor and broken glass from their fights. She tells me how he's constantly calling her names and shoving her around. He smokes inside, and I get really sick around cigarettes. Then she wonders why I have never thought of visiting her before. I mentioned her dad's attitude to her and she was just like, "Oh don't worry, he'll be fine!" She has no license yet either, which means we'd be relying on either my SO to get us, or her dad to take us somewhere.

Basically, I'm regretting splitting my vacation in Texas between Ellie and my SO. What I'd really like is to stay at my SO's most nights, then maybe stay a couple with Ellie. My SO works so much, it'd be fun to see her during the day while I wait. I don't know what to tell Ellie without hurting her feelings. I definitely promised Christmas to her at the very least, and she's the only one with time to pick me up from the air port so I certainly need to spend my first bit of vacation time with her.

What should I do? What should I say? The trip isn't until December so I have a bit of time to think at least. Any advice would be quite great! Thanks for reading!

[Moon]

Are you sure this friendship is still worth it to you? Maybe it's run its course, not all friendships last forever. She sounds kind of spiteful and jealous, she should understand that, being in an LDR herself, that time is limited and moments are precious. I can see her expecting a few hours of your time, or even a whole day, but expecting you to split that time is absolutely ridiculous. It sounds like you're being more than accommodating and sensitive to her feelings, she needs to return the favor, you know?

[ashdav2010]

SO's and friends fall into 2 very different categories. I personally would have no room in my life for someone who was so demanding of my time and was a complete jerk when they didn't get their way. As Moon said, being in an LDR herself, your friend should realize that the time you get to spend with your SO is precious and she shouldn't be so rude and aloof to you - you're friends! I wouldn't let her make you feel guilty at all for spending time with your SO, and if you don't want to split your vaca with her, then don't do it. Say plans changed and you are only available for X time and you hope that you can still get together.

[Caitlin2009]

big ditto to what Moon said

[rawrimolivia]

Well, In my opinion both relationships and friendships are important but the way that she's explaining all this time that she wants to have with you (ie. splitting the time) is not fair. When I go see my SO, I mainly want to be with him because I rarely get to see him. And the fact that she's being extremely jealous and getting mad at you for seeing your SO is not being supportive as a friend. The only thing I might suggest is talk to her about it, you can't know anything for sure until you talk. Bring up what's bothering you and tell her that you will hang out with her a few times while you're there but that you want to spend as much time as you can with your SO. The fact that she is also avoiding you while you while you two are talking online is really rude. Why would she expect you to spend time and take a special trip just for her when she can't even keep in touch with you while you're NOT there. What I would reccomend is talk to her and set a few days aside to spend with her. Maybe she just feels neglected and unimportant. just talk

[Black_Halloween]

I can understand why she was upset but the way she told you wasn't the best. I hate it when my friends ignore me and go off with their SOs, especially when we've known each other for so long. I totally understand wanting to spend the entire time with your SO but it would have been nice if you asked her to do something in the first place. Sometimes when we're in love we forget about the people that have always been there for us through every relationship.

With that out of the way, it was rude of her to ignore and avoid you. If you can't get her to talk by the time the trip starts to roll around then just tell her "oh well" and spend Christmas with your SO. xx

[ushiwakafox]

I can definitely understand not wanting to go see her because of her dad. Why should you risk yourself? And she should never expect you to either. He's capable of hitting his daughter, there's no reason he wouldn't hurt you. I highly suggest steering clear of that situation.

[Sora1101]

Am I the only one getting some major red flags here? If this were a guy she was meeting I know a bunch of you would say that he might be some internet creeper, having never met and all that so what's so different about a girl? I'm sensing she's not who she says she is and now that you're actually trying to meet her she's suddenly flaking and avoiding you, sometimes people create online personas and become addicted to them, she'll act as though she really wants to meet you, be all friendly and all that jazz but as soon as the time comes around she disappears or becomes unfriendly just so that she can keep her online character going.

I could be totally wrong but that's just what my gut is telling me. :/

[Decrepit]

I agree with what sorra said. Lot of red flags around her, just to be safe I'd avoid her. Im just reading the story and It doesn't sit right with me so I highly recommend not visiting. Even I'd she says who she says she is, the whole thing with her dad is a HUGE red flag. Trust me, he'd hit you to, sadly been there done that with an old friends dad. I'd really consider avoiding this

[Malaga]

Am I the only one getting some major red flags here? If this were a guy she was meeting I know a bunch of you would say that he might be some internet creeper, having never met and all that so what's so different about a girl? I'm sensing she's not who she says she is and now that you're actually trying to meet her she's suddenly flaking and avoiding you, sometimes people create online personas and become addicted to them, she'll act as though she really wants to meet you, be all friendly and all that jazz but as soon as the time comes around she disappears or becomes unfriendly just so that she can keep her online character going.

I could be totally wrong but that's just what my gut is telling me. :/

I agree, it was my first thought as well. She sounds like an attention seeker who made up most of the things about herself. The whole abuse story sounds a bit farfetched too. Attention seekers often make up stuff like that to get sympathy. I would advise you to distance yourself from her. At the very least she's going to cause you loads of drama.

[HeartInTexas]

Thank you for the advice, everyone!
I actually ended up just telling her about how I felt and she actually didn't freak out at me. She was really understanding and willing to let me just have my time with my SO. I told her if she wants to meet us somewhere to eat or join us at Dave and Busters, etc. she still can. I've webcammed with her, had phone chats, and played countless MMOs and games while on voice chat, etc. I'm not actually worried about her being a creeper. I know she is very overweight and constantly lies about it because it embarrasses her. I don't doubt she is an attention seeker or a compulsive liar, but I do doubt her being a creeper. I dunno, the friendship is probably something you'd have to experience to actually believe me when I say she isn't a creeper. Still, "You never know!"

But any way, I got my quality SO time back for my vacation! =) Thanks again for your time, guys.

[Sabbilicious]

Considering she basically blew you off..after you tried to make time with her..if that was me, I probably wouldn't want to split my trip between my SO and her. She seems very demanding and jealous..which isn't healthy for a friendship.