Chemistry vs Compatibilty

[BlueEyedBoiseGirl]

So here's my question... Are any of you in relationships or in love with someone, but lacking that butterflies-in-the-stomach natural chemistry?

My SO and I have only been dating for a few months. We have a huge amount in common: religious views, political views, family values, TV shows, music, hobbies, sense of humor, and several weird little quirks that I have never had in common with anyone. We enjoy each other's company. We're attracted to each other. We both want the same things out of life, and it seems like we would be very compatible in the long term. However, things occasionally feel a little awkward. My SO also feels this way, as he mentioned this week that our time together (both sexually and just hanging out) lacks an "ease." From my perspective, there doesn't seem to be that excitement/chemistry that I have had very early on with past relationships. Then again, my past relationships had all the excitement/chemistry one could ask for but virtually no long-term compatibility.

My SO and I agreed that the lack of "ease" doesn't pose an actual issue at this point, but we both notice it. We're still attracted to each other and putting plenty of effort into maintaining and growing in the relationship. We have both had our share of completely crazy relationships and are more interested in finding someone to settle down with at this point.

My thought is that life partners should be best friends, and that excitement/butterflies fade over time anyway. What do all of you think? Can the chemistry develop later on, once we are CD and spending more time together? In the long-run, does it matter anyway if both parties are committed to the relationship? I'm just curious to see what some unbiased third parties think, since I have never been in this sort of a situation and find myself a little bit confused about it.

[kittyo9]

I never really got butterflies with my partner either, nor did I get that "rush" of falling in love like I'd had in previous relationships. I knew I'd end up with him and let it happen. There wasn't much more to it. I've discussed it with him and he said he felt pretty much the same, but he wasn't worried. I thought something was wrong for a little while and started doubting my relationship, but then I just accepted it-- I've never been so comfortable or confident in any relationship before, it seems kind of silly to doubt it just because I don't get a ~*~wash of emotions~*~ every time I think about him. It feels like it's a more mature love, where we kind of skipped over the "honeymoon" phase and settled into the long-term part right away. Nothing wrong with that! I have also found that as my relationship progresses, I find more ways to appreciate my partner, and I think this is the "chemistry" that you are referring to. If you are both committed to making it work, you should see this happening as time goes on, too.

[lucybelle]

I guess everyone feels love in different ways. If you don't need the butterflies to feel happy, then so be it!

Me? I still feel all fluttery when I kiss my SO, and we've been living together for 1.5 years. When I think about our lives together I get excited. I feel so incredibly in love with him I sometimes don't even know what to do with myself. I get overwhelmed with emotion.

But just because I feel this way doesn't mean it's the right way or the only way. I think as long as you all are committed to making that "comfort" not turn into "boredom" you'll be fine.

[Anubis1311]

I think i'm the opposite. We have a great chemistry but nothing in common. I think it's really dependant on the two of you. When you're with the right person you know. It might not be butterflies and excitement for you rather stability and knowing he's your best friend. Either way i'm sure deep down you know the answer

[TwoThree]

Frankly I don't associate butterflies with being "at ease" with someone. From my experience, butterflies is something I get at the beginning of something, and then they fade. I haven't had that fluttery feeling with my SO in quite some time, but I'm more comfortable with him than with anyone else. What's more important to me in a relationship is that special, strong bond you have with one another. So long as I have that I don't look for anything else.

[Moon]

Frankly I don't associate butterflies with being "at ease" with someone. From my experience, butterflies is something I get at the beginning of something, and then they fade. I haven't had that fluttery feeling with my SO in quite some time, but I'm more comfortable with him than with anyone else. What's more important to me in a relationship is that special, strong bond you have with one another. So long as I have that I don't look for anything else.

I agree with this. Also, it takes some time to establish "ease", especially in an LDR when you spend much less physical time together than in a traditional relationship. My experience has been that, in the early stages of a relationship, the more chemistry, the less ease! But really, what it comes down to, is how comfortable are YOU with this? Sometimes a relationship can look perfect on paper, but in real life, "something" just isn't there. Yes, it totally does matter in the long run, btw, which is why I'm divorced now. My relationship should have been great, everyone told me so but that "something" was completely missing, and that's not a part you can overlook and be successful in the long run.

[Snowlilly]

Chemistry and what it is/feels like for people varies from person to person. I think too many people place too much emphasis on chemistry and what we "should" feel (butterflies) vs what is important in a relationship. Chemistry might be the initial attraction that gets two people together, but by no means is it a guarantee your relationship will last. Compatibility hands down will win over time. It has been proven that the butterfly/chemistry feelings fade about 18 months into a relationship. Your body just gets too used to having those chemicals float around and can not sustain that emotional high forever. What you are then left with is whether or not you are compatible and feel an emotional connection/bond with that person. I am sure all of us have had relationships where there was an instant physical attraction but then there was nothing else. Those relationships don't last. What makes someone attractive to one person, again, differs from one person to another.

I would say, if you are attracted to him, then you have chemistry. Feeling at ease with someone comes with time and learning about each other. I feel at ease with Trepis, and I do get the butterfly feelings when I think about us meeting in 92 days, but what I love is the emotional connection I feel with him and how compatible we are and I know the butterflies will fade over time and that is normal. What will sustain our relationship then will be the emotional bond we have and that's whats important.

[Alemap]

There's no point in analysing it if you're genuinely happy, only if it actually feels like an issue to you.
Don't let preconceived notions of what love is meant to feel like get in the way if you actually are enjoying this - just go with it.
But if you want those butterflies, and you miss them, then you need to decide how important they are to you, always keeping in mind it's not an either/or situation; it's perfectly possible to find someone with whom you are highly compatible and with whom you have powerful chemistry.

P.

[Kiyama]

I think it comes down to only very few questions:
Do you love this guy? Is he the person you want to wake up next to for the rest of your life or do you "just" have feelings because he is a great person and you care a lot about him because of that?
Just the mere thought of breaking up with my SO almost breaks my heart and my world would be shattered in pieces. We have troubles mapping out our future and I've always been reluctant to make compromises for a guy but I simply can't imagine my life without him. He's all I ever wanted and my love for him is infinite.

[BlueEyedBoiseGirl]

Thanks for all of the responses. I still can't decide if the chemistry/butterflies are that important to me, but I am pretty sure that the "ease" will develop as we spend more time together. We are still in the early stages of the relationship, and definitely not to the point of I-Love-You's yet, so I can't say that I know he is the one for me. What I can say is that I love spending time with him, and I can see so much potential in the relationship. Heck, the fact that I'm doing the LDR thing at all definitely indicates I think something more is there, since I always swore up and down that I would never be involved in a long-distance sort of thing. I'm pretty sure that he felt the same way prior to this LDR. I guess I'll just continue on the path we're on now and see where life takes us.

[Darth_Taco]

I notice a lot that you tend to over analyze small things like this. I don't say this to make you feel bad, I tell you cuz you worry me @_@. I personally haven't felt any of those butterfly type feelings for Enrique in so many years, I don't even remember what it feels like xD. We've reached the point of our relationship where we're stable, happy, and fist fighting only happens when we schedule it ahead of time :P. You really don't need to sweat it, in the end it doesn't really matter what chemistry you felt in the beginning, all that matters is that you don't have a relationship crisis over how he never seems to take any initiative in the relationship because he can't choose what salad dressing he wants :P. No, seriously, I've seen this fight happen @_@.